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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to see her son without her grandson & me

341 replies

Grxcegrxxn · 29/05/2023 23:34

For a bit of context, myself & my partner have been together 4 years, we had our son 18 months ago. Partners mother has only seen our son twice. We have encouraged her to schedule a day to come & see us or we can travel to her, but she either cancels plans or just doesn’t show up. She missed our sons first birthday, didn’t see him over the Christmas break, even though she lives a few streets away. FIL sees our son regularly but always comes to ours alone without MIL. We’ve been in no contact with MIL for 10 months now but recently she has started getting FIL to communicate for her instead of just reaching out herself. FIL invited us to a bbq at their house, we agreed we’d go, then the day of FIL messages & says ‘mom recons it’s best to leave it, I think you and her need to chat face to face privately’. When my partner asked what about (assuming she was upset about something & wanted to talk it out) he responded ‘it’s nothing bad your mom just wants mom and son time with you away from everyone els’. Insinuating she wants to be alone with him away from myself & our son. Usually I wouldn’t be bothered if it was directed at me, BUT I don’t understand why she wants to be away from her grandson as well? Am I taking this too personal? :/

OP posts:
booksandbrooks · 30/05/2023 08:14

Honestly, sounds like something bigger is afoot but even if it isn't, so what?

I love spending time with family away from DH and kids. You go into a different a familiar rhythm.
I actually book something in for my in laws to have the same time each year, no partners no grandkids because after doing it myself I realised how special it was.

You have an 18 month old. Can you imagine only ever seeing your child as part of a play date? Obviously it's different with adults, no one owes you anything etc. But don't make a drama of it. If OH is happy to go then he should and your role is to be supportive rather than making it all about you.

EggInANest · 30/05/2023 08:26

Your DH needs to have one face to face conversation with her, alone, to find out what on earth is going on.

It sounds far more to me as if she wants / needs A Talk with him.

Better to find out what it is about and get it sorted than refuse this conversation now.

It might not get sorted, but then you are no worse off than at present, so ‘nothing to lose’.

knittingaddict · 30/05/2023 09:09

Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 03:09

If you read my main post, I did clarify that he has been trying to see her but all he ever gets is ‘we’re busy, we’ve got plans’ or they’ll agree then cancel the day of. The problem is she doesn’t want to see us unless it’s on her terms. FIL has seen us & partner as asked ‘where’s mom?’ & she’s usually busy doing something els. & she’s in her early 40s, she’s not exactly at an age where we should worry if we haven’t heard from her. She’s simply just ignorant unless it’s on her terms.

Show quote history

You seem to be talking about all of you seeing your mil. I think what other people are saying is why doesn't he call or pop in to see his mum? That would be a normal thing to do. At least then you would have some contact, even if indirect, and some idea of what might be going on.

We live 2 hours away from my parents and I would see them on my own most of the time. They weren't the sort to issue invites to their house and certainly not to have bbqs or meals at theirs. If I waited till my husband was available we would have been waiting a very long time. Why isn't your partner being more proactive with HIS mum?

MiddleParking · 30/05/2023 09:32

Rightsraptor · 30/05/2023 07:39

There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend time alone with adult children. When yours are grown, you will probably feel the same. It's very different when they have partners and children with them. It all depends how it's done.

Your MiL lives so close, it's weird that your partner doesn't pop round after work or whatever for a short time on a regular basis. Then, in my house at least, it'd be fine to have the rest of his family round for BBQs and social events.

There is something odd about your situation and your partner needs to find out what it is.

There would be nothing wrong with her liking to see him alone occasionally in the context of a close relationship with him and his family unit. There is absolutely something wrong with wanting to only see her adult child alone - and only communicating that wish via a third party - when he lives close by with his partner and his own child, her grandchild, who despite the proximity she’s met twice. Something is very definitely wrong with that.

longwayoff · 30/05/2023 09:48

I need to talk to my two grown children about health, funeral and other stuff that needs to be done after I die. Neither their partners nor the grandchildren need, nor would want, to be there for this and I will tell them that when we arrange a date. Perhaps you're being over sensitive?

WaltzingWaters · 30/05/2023 10:00

It’s odd. I’d say it’s fine this once, maybe she has something important to discuss with him. But I think if that’s not the case and she just doesn’t want a relationship with her GS, then it’s up to your DP whether he wants to maintain any contact. So sad that she doesn’t make any effort with her own GS.

stealthninjamum · 30/05/2023 10:13

I wouldn’t be happy if I were you but I think I’d suggest he sees her once and gives her the opportunity to explain what’s causing her behaviour - just in case she has a health issue, anxiety issue etc. if there isn’t a good reason then I’d just tell her she knows where you are and it’s her turn to make the effort.

beachcitygirl · 30/05/2023 10:14

Lobelia123 · 30/05/2023 08:04

I think all the kind and accommodating advice is quite frankly ridiuclous. Theres a lot more going on than someone not wanting to host a BBQ. She is deliberately excluding the OP and her child and setting up an adversarial situation where her husband is being pushed to choose between seeing his DIL and grandchild, and being on her side. I think its time this passive aggressiveness was confronted head on. i would absolutely make my husband bring it out into the open and sto[p pandering to his horrible, manipulative mother. If shes not interested in you or the little one, thats her loss, but she has no right to prevent the granddad from having a relationship with you.

Finally some sense.

I do think on Mumsnet people bend over backwards to excuse mothers/Mil's.

Some are just manipulative narcissists.

I wouldn't put up with this shit for a second.

Littleroseseverywhere · 30/05/2023 10:18

I don’t get why you’re taking issue with this. There is clearly a problem and she wishes to speak to her son privately about it. In this instance I’d be happy for that as it may mean resolution. If she says it needs to be like this every time, take issue, but In this instance support him. She maybe ill

Newyearnewmeow · 30/05/2023 10:39

It sounds like she doesn’t like you and therefore doesn’t like your child even though it’s her grandchild.
I couldn’t be arsed with such nasty behaviour. I would be telling your partner to go to her house(without a ridiculous appointment) and ask her what the hell is going on.

Original poster
Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 10:50

Ragwort · 30/05/2023 04:53

Does your DP just never pick up the phone and have a chat with his DM? Why does it all have to be so formally arranged if you just live a few streets away? Did he get in touch on Mother's Day? Can't he just drop round on the way home from work or something? It seems odd that he hasn't made an effort to see her in ten months ... maybe she doesn't want to be seen as an interfering MIL ... or are you both quite young, if she is in her 40s perhaps she feels (rightly or wrongly) that her DS has become a parent too young and she is disappointed?

Nope dp has contacted her regularly but she doesn’t respond & doesn’t pick up her phone, she’s blatantly ignoring him at this point, that’s why I’m confused as to why she’s ignored us for over a year then randomly decided she needs mom & son time. Dp has been quite hurt over the period where mil hasn’t contacted him so he’s reluctant, which I don’t blame him. It’s giving him mixed signals.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 10:53

Newyearnewmeow · 30/05/2023 10:39

It sounds like she doesn’t like you and therefore doesn’t like your child even though it’s her grandchild.
I couldn’t be arsed with such nasty behaviour. I would be telling your partner to go to her house(without a ridiculous appointment) and ask her what the hell is going on.

Realistically this is what I think it is, as cruel as it is & dp did try & just drop in the day she asked to see him alone but she wasn’t even home, she’d gone to the pub with a friend & said she wasn’t going to be back till late.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 10:56

longwayoff · 30/05/2023 09:48

I need to talk to my two grown children about health, funeral and other stuff that needs to be done after I die. Neither their partners nor the grandchildren need, nor would want, to be there for this and I will tell them that when we arrange a date. Perhaps you're being over sensitive?

I don’t think being annoyed that MIL hasn’t seen her grandson in over a year is being ‘overly sensitive’.

OP posts:
Coralsunset · 30/05/2023 10:57

I think he needs to pursue this urgently and get to the bottom of it. No point us lot trying to guess what her problem is.

If I had to hazard a guess, given her lack of interest in her DGC, could someone have been dripping poison saying your child isn’t his?

Could be anything really. Once you know, you can take appropriate action.

Northernparent68 · 30/05/2023 10:57

let your partner decide, but warn him his mother is being manipulative. it might be a good idea for him to examine whether she has form for this type of behaviour

mamabear715 · 30/05/2023 10:59

I just cba with it all.
Instead of everyone tiptoeing around her, just cut her out.
If there's some problem, all she has to do is phone her son. That's it. If she doesn't want to, end of.

Original poster
Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 11:01

knittingaddict · 30/05/2023 09:09

You seem to be talking about all of you seeing your mil. I think what other people are saying is why doesn't he call or pop in to see his mum? That would be a normal thing to do. At least then you would have some contact, even if indirect, and some idea of what might be going on.

We live 2 hours away from my parents and I would see them on my own most of the time. They weren't the sort to issue invites to their house and certainly not to have bbqs or meals at theirs. If I waited till my husband was available we would have been waiting a very long time. Why isn't your partner being more proactive with HIS mum?

Show quote history

Again, dp has been contacting his mom on a regular basis BUT she never responds, she hasnt seen him, hasn’t spoke to him over the phone or over messages in over a year. & MIL is hardly ever home, she works away. So we can’t just ‘drop in’ whenever we feel like it, we have tried but she’s usually not in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 11:03

Coralsunset · 30/05/2023 06:42

There’s obviously more to this than meets the eye. As PP have said, why hasn’t DH called his mum?

Once you were together, have all meetings been with both of you? I adore my DIL but I still see DS on his own regularly and would hate it if I never got to see him alone.

Wait until DH has seen his mum and the back story should reveal itself.

again, he HAS called his mom, she doesn’t answer.

OP posts:
bluebeck · 30/05/2023 11:04

The fact MIL works away and is hardly ever there could have been mentioned upthread. Alongside the fact that she lived a few streets away maybe?

I would like to hear the other side of this. Clearly something has gone very wrong indeed.

TheSnowyOwl · 30/05/2023 11:07

You don’t sound as if you like her, so I would be pleased to not have to see her or spend time with her. Your views are either correct, so why would you want your son spending time with someone like that? Or they aren’t and she maybe she needs some support seeing her son and having time with just him. Either way, you and your son don’t need to worry about it and can leave her and your OH to meet up.

Original poster
Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 11:10

Lobelia123 · 30/05/2023 08:04

I think all the kind and accommodating advice is quite frankly ridiuclous. Theres a lot more going on than someone not wanting to host a BBQ. She is deliberately excluding the OP and her child and setting up an adversarial situation where her husband is being pushed to choose between seeing his DIL and grandchild, and being on her side. I think its time this passive aggressiveness was confronted head on. i would absolutely make my husband bring it out into the open and sto[p pandering to his horrible, manipulative mother. If shes not interested in you or the little one, thats her loss, but she has no right to prevent the granddad from having a relationship with you.

finally someone with sense

MIL clearly has an issue with me for whatever reason & is trying to push myself & my son out by manipulating her son into ‘mom & son time’. After ignoring him for a year. Mom & son time is a sugarcoated way of saying ‘I want to see you but I don’t want the extra baggage like your partner and child’. I’m glad someone can see it from my perspective.

OP posts:
Creamyoda · 30/05/2023 11:10

Can't say I find it overly weird for a mother to want to see their son really. If I were him I'd be keen to see her and find out what was going on.

Original poster
Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 11:20

UPDATE - dp did drop in after she asked for mom and son time, he got there & she wasn’t home anyway, his brother who was home said she’d gone to the pub with a friend. Dp called her, no answer, left a message to see when she’s free for him to go and see her, still no response days later. Surely if she was eager to see him she wouldn’t of responded? Even FIL hasn’t responded. It’s giving dp mixed signals, one minute she wants the see him the next she ignores him.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 30/05/2023 11:27

It's fine she wants to see her son alone

Original poster
Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 11:30

Scarydinosaurs · 30/05/2023 04:12

What was the set up before the baby came? Did he see his mum alone then? Now the baby is here are the only arrangements to see her as a family?

something has clearly happened with her and she wants to tell your DP on her own away from you.

Early 40s is very young so I assume you are also young? I’d think that if your MIL has something difficult going on for herself, although seeing your son is important, it just isn’t a priority right now for her.

Nope MIL used ask us both to visit & on the occasions I would stay home & just dp would go she would get upset that I hadn’t come along. Back then she used to like seeing us together as a group. & yes myself & dp are in early 20s.

OP posts: