Page 7 | DD left wedding early cos of work - should family of kept out of it

Safarigiraffe · 2023-05-29T22:07:20+00:00

Hi went to family wedding last night & stayed overnight in hotel. DD couldn’t stay overnight as she was working today however she did come to wedding but here’s the AIBU or not - wedding was running later than expected & DD had to leave by a certain time to be back home as she was up 630 today for work. When DD went to leave everyone on our immediate table (MIL, BIL mainly) made a huge scene about why DD was leaving early as food hadn’t yet arrived (Starters she had but as main food was running a hour late she couldn’t wait for that) & as my husband went to walk DD to car park MIL ran after them both expressing herself over why DD was leaving early (she knew she had to leave early for work) So AIBU to think that maybe no one should have got involved causing a scene or was DD being unreasonable for having to leave without eating main food when it was already running a hour late and she had to leave to get back home (journey home was hour and a half so she didn’t get in until 8/815)

olympicsrock · 30/05/2023 00:35

Sorry but DD was rude. She could have stayed another two hours and still been home in plenty of time. MIL was also rude to make it even worse.

Thank god you can pick your friends!

BelleMarionette · 30/05/2023 00:36

She arrived home by 815, so she left before 7? And before the main had come out?

I agree that is rude, and awkward. Wedding meals are really expensive.

One of my guests didn't turn up till a few hours late, after the meal was served. I found that rude, given they didn't give advance notice. If they had wanted to arrive late (and we could have had another day guest), that would have been fine, but it was rude to just turn up late without notice.

I think the same in this situation. Leaving before the meal finishes, without prior notice, is unfair, especially given how much it costs.

HollaHolla · 30/05/2023 00:37

Caterina99 · 30/05/2023 00:30

Starting work at 6.30am or getting up then?

Don’t most people with jobs/kids get up around that kind of time anyway? My alarm goes off at 7 and I’m usually asleep by 11.30ish (clearly not tonight though!), although I appreciate some people seem to need a lot more sleep than I do.

I think your MIL escalated the situation, but leaving before the main course of a wedding is served because you have to get up at a perfectly normal time the next day is really bizarre. Unless your DD has some kind of medical issue or another reason she absolutely had to be home so early, could she really have not waited another hour?

Exactly. Without making this into a competitive 'no sleep' race, I was up at 06:15 this morning for my train into the office. Still up now as have been coughing.
I'm up at 07:30 in the morning, as I'm WAH.

pizzaHeart · 30/05/2023 00:42

It was odd that she left so early, I think she could stay for a bit more. However those who made a scene about it were much more rude.

BusyMum47 · 30/05/2023 00:44

Bunce1 · 29/05/2023 23:23

Really odd to leave so early in the evening? Does DD have a medical condition or something that affects sleep? It’s strange she couldn’t have left at 9/10pm and still had like 7 hours of sleep for work. That’s quite strange.

DD shouldn’t have left.

MIL should have not made a scene.

This! ⬆️ Appreciate she had to be up early but 1 late'ish night for a family wedding? She could have left as late as 9pm - definitely after the meal & speeches etc & still been home & in bed for 11pm - getting at least 7hrs sleep! Why leave so early?? In the middle of the meal??

alphajuliet123 · 30/05/2023 00:45

The way OP has described it (“my husbands cousins son”) makes it sound like a convoluted extended family situation. But for MIL and her sibling - ones grandchild was getting married and the others grandchild left abruptly. Bit closer to heart for her.

Cornchip · 30/05/2023 00:45

DD was being rude.

I often start work at 6am (ie there before shortly before 6am) and when I returned after maternity leave, there were plenty of days I’d not got to bed until 12 or 1, or was woken up in the night. 4am was the prime time for these wake ups which was heartbreaking as they’d often be asleep again at 5am, of which then my alarm would go off!

It was one day- she easily could have toughed it out and napped when she got home from work.

Of course if she was a surgeon or something I’d completely understand, but in a regular job? She was being rude.

Does she never go out for a meal or anything on nights before work? It seems weird to be so rigid.

FictionalCharacter · 30/05/2023 00:47

Safarigiraffe · 29/05/2023 23:14

Its more the way that it became a massive issue which resulted in MIL running after her causing a scene

Yes that's ridiculous. Unnecessary drama and definitely would have caused more disruption than dd leaving in the first place. Does mil tend to be an attention seeking drama llama?

bidenfor · 30/05/2023 00:48

I'm sure a scene wasn't made

CovetedAsFuck · 30/05/2023 00:53

SweetBirdsong · 30/05/2023 00:15

Oh do give over. It's not 'precious' or going OTT about etiquette to expect someone to stay for a WEDDING MEAL that someone's hard earned money has gone into providing. Leaving at 8pm and not be arsed to finish the meal was breathtakingly rude. There are some people on this thread with manners that would make a flea ridden camel blush. Disgusting attitudes honestly.

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Obviously it’s not precious to expect that in the first place or you’d never plan anything.

It absolutely is precious to get worked up and offended when for whatever reason, a guest makes an early exit for reasons of their own. It’s incredibly short-sighted to judge that person as rude when for all you know, there could be more going on than you’re aware of.

Hosting a celebration is about generosity of spirit and to me that means giving people — people I care about, or they wouldn’t be there — the benefit of the doubt for this kind of thing. I’d hate anyone to stay beyond their comfort zone at my wedding out of a sense of obligation or even worse, fear of angering me.

Also — it’s just a wedding meal, it doesn’t warrant shouty caps. I could understand the outrage if someone flounced out during the actual ceremony.

alphajuliet123 · 30/05/2023 00:56

FictionalCharacter · 30/05/2023 00:47

Yes that's ridiculous. Unnecessary drama and definitely would have caused more disruption than dd leaving in the first place. Does mil tend to be an attention seeking drama llama?

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I think it’s fine for a grandma to have a word with a granddaughter when the parents don’t instil good manners. She was just embarrassed, and I doubt she actually ‘ran after her’ or that the scene was ‘massive’.

Fizzytea · 30/05/2023 01:00

I think it was perfectly reasonable of your daughter to leave at the prearranged time. Presumably she had explained she would be leaving early when she accepted the invitation. I don't know why others are assuming she didn't.

Hankunamatata · 30/05/2023 01:03

Dd was rude leaving during the meal. Of course the bride and groom were fine they can hardly say anything

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 30/05/2023 01:16

If an early start there next day was work at 8am, then she was unreasonable for leaving early. If an early start was working from 5am, then more reasonable. Without "early" being defined it is hard to comment.

Cornchip · 30/05/2023 01:17

CovetedAsFuck · 30/05/2023 00:53

Obviously it’s not precious to expect that in the first place or you’d never plan anything.

It absolutely is precious to get worked up and offended when for whatever reason, a guest makes an early exit for reasons of their own. It’s incredibly short-sighted to judge that person as rude when for all you know, there could be more going on than you’re aware of.

Hosting a celebration is about generosity of spirit and to me that means giving people — people I care about, or they wouldn’t be there — the benefit of the doubt for this kind of thing. I’d hate anyone to stay beyond their comfort zone at my wedding out of a sense of obligation or even worse, fear of angering me.

Also — it’s just a wedding meal, it doesn’t warrant shouty caps. I could understand the outrage if someone flounced out during the actual ceremony.

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Do you often go to dinner with folk, have them pay for your meal and then just leave so it’s wasted?

It was so rude. Fair enough if she had an actual emergency to attend to but bailing out early so she can have… 8 or so hours sleep? Rude.

It wouldn’t have killed her to leave after the meal and be slightly tired for work the next day. The bride and groom, as a PP has rightly pointed out, are hardly going to tell her it’s rude in the middle of the meal.

There are too many folk nowadays who can never put themselves out for another person just one time. So many people are just utterly self absorbed and selfish.

OPs daughter should absolutely be sending something as an apology.

marapournumber4 · 30/05/2023 01:21

Well you've a very well mannered young woman there! ( sarcasm). Why didn;t she just reply that she would love to come to the ceremony but would leave before the meal as she has extra special sleep needs? Really not that hard.

alphajuliet123 · 30/05/2023 01:22

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 30/05/2023 01:16

If an early start there next day was work at 8am, then she was unreasonable for leaving early. If an early start was working from 5am, then more reasonable. Without "early" being defined it is hard to comment.

The early start was getting up at 6:30am for work. Which is 12 hours after she left the wedding for a 90 minute drive home.

Kennykenkencat · 30/05/2023 01:25

Being up for 6.30 isn’t exactly extraordinarily early.
That is about the average time I would think most people have to be up by to get to work, kids to school or even just start the day.
Dd was getting up at 6am for school and was doing activities until 10pm the previous evening for years

Personally I think I would have wondered why she was leaving that early for a normal start time.
Presumably she is still quite young. Maybe look at her fitness levels and diet and see if something doesn’t need attention because it does come across as a bit strange that she left a wedding that early

When I was quite young I would go from job to job to job and would work or sometimes party throughout the night then go straight to work and change into spare clothes I kept in my desk

Guessthevoice · 30/05/2023 01:28

Hugasauras · 29/05/2023 23:40

I think it was a bit bonkers, sorry. She's a young woman, presumably in okay health? It's a special occasion and if she was home by 8pm then what time did she leave?! I'm sure she could manage one work shift on slightly less sleep than usual. Christ when I was in my late teens/early 20s I was going to work straight from a night out sometimes
(disclaimer: I was not a lorry driver or a brain surgeon).

😂 this!

Guessthevoice · 30/05/2023 01:30

Hugasauras · 29/05/2023 23:43

Sometimes I wonder if this 'I have to protect my own well-being/look after myself/self-care' stuff has swung a bit too far in the other direction. It seems to make people
think they are excused from basic manners.

And also this...

Jellycatbat20 · 30/05/2023 01:30

I think this kind of thing is why lots of my friends recently have decided to get married in secret.... I live with a nurse, they need their sleep if they're going to be functional on a 12 hour shift the following day....so if we ended up attending a ritual dinner that was an hour late, I think they also might leave earlier than those in other types of jobs or retired or never having worked at all might deem appropriate.

Those wondering why annual leave might not have been an option, catch yersels on, the DD might not have been able to or it might have been cancelled. And if you think that doesn't happen in the NHS and other public sector departments with current staffing levels then think again!

bidenfor · 30/05/2023 01:38

Rude. She shouldn't have gone.

Grumpy67i8 · 30/05/2023 01:38

Bit rude and don't get why she had to be so strict about her bedtime. She shouldn't have come at all if it wasn't workable.

CovetedAsFuck · 30/05/2023 01:54

Cornchip · 30/05/2023 01:17

Do you often go to dinner with folk, have them pay for your meal and then just leave so it’s wasted?

It was so rude. Fair enough if she had an actual emergency to attend to but bailing out early so she can have… 8 or so hours sleep? Rude.

It wouldn’t have killed her to leave after the meal and be slightly tired for work the next day. The bride and groom, as a PP has rightly pointed out, are hardly going to tell her it’s rude in the middle of the meal.

There are too many folk nowadays who can never put themselves out for another person just one time. So many people are just utterly self absorbed and selfish.

OPs daughter should absolutely be sending something as an apology.

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No, and I bet the OP’s DD doesn’t do it “often” either. Do you not understand the difference between giving someone the benefit of the doubt once (as I am saying I would do here) and simply having no sense of what’s reasonable?

So many of the outraged responses on here are about the money spent on the meal, which suggests this is partly about people planning weddings they cannot afford and then, because the expense is such a worry, getting locked into a controlling mindset about how guests must behave to justify the cost per head.

If you opt to have an expensive celebration it should be because you can afford to do it without becoming so highly strung that one guest leaving early, for personal reasons you cannot assume you fully understand, is a huge insult at which you take enormous offence.

People aren’t purely characters on your stage, even when you’re throwing a wedding party.

Rubychews · 30/05/2023 02:13

You in-laws behaved badly, trying to make it all bout them.