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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD left wedding early cos of work - should family of kept out of it

1000 replies

Safarigiraffe · 29/05/2023 23:07

Hi went to family wedding last night & stayed overnight in hotel. DD couldn’t stay overnight as she was working today however she did come to wedding but here’s the AIBU or not - wedding was running later than expected & DD had to leave by a certain time to be back home as she was up 630 today for work. When DD went to leave everyone on our immediate table (MIL, BIL mainly) made a huge scene about why DD was leaving early as food hadn’t yet arrived (Starters she had but as main food was running a hour late she couldn’t wait for that) & as my husband went to walk DD to car park MIL ran after them both expressing herself over why DD was leaving early (she knew she had to leave early for work)
So AIBU to think that maybe no one should have got involved causing a scene or was DD being unreasonable for having to leave without eating main food when it was already running a hour late and she had to leave to get back home (journey home was hour and a half so she didn’t get in until 8/815)

OP posts:
crumpet · 30/05/2023 12:50

Plus wedding food is not cheap, so a wasted cost.

MargotBamborough · 30/05/2023 12:50

GeekyThings · 30/05/2023 12:48

Actually using the OP's calculations she left at 6pm, as it takes an hour and a half and she was home around 8 to 8.15.

I don't even start eating until 6pm, hahahaha!

Show quote history

So if her daughter left at 6pm and the meal was an hour late, that means the meal was due to be served at 5pm or earlier?

Why do people think this is a meal time? What meal is this? It's too late to be lunch and too early to be dinner.

Sugarfree23 · 30/05/2023 12:52

Reading Ops other posts the DD is 19 and has a BF. BF has issues at home. And likes to spent as much time at Ops as possible.

My conclusion is she was going home to get the BF.

Throwncrumbs · 30/05/2023 12:53

All depends if she had to catch a train, bus etc. Also whose wedding was it, brother or sister a bit off but anyone else I would do the same. Maybe she couldn’t get AL, try getting that in some professions during school holidays ( been declined loads of times in my nursing career)even if you ask loads in advance. I would have just snuck out tbh, can’t be doing with guilt tripping. If she had asked for AL and it was declined, it’s really hard to pull a sickie then!

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/05/2023 12:55

MargotBamborough · 30/05/2023 12:50

So if her daughter left at 6pm and the meal was an hour late, that means the meal was due to be served at 5pm or earlier?

Why do people think this is a meal time? What meal is this? It's too late to be lunch and too early to be dinner.

Show quote history

@MargotBamborough

you don’t have to stick rigidly to meal times! It’s a wedding - you go with the flow!

Titchyfeep · 30/05/2023 12:55

Why didn’t she just decline the invite or in advance say she could only attend the ceremony. Even taking in to consideration it running late it sound like she left ridiculously early and before an evening reception had even begun. Wedding breakfast is incredible expensive so it was rather rude to leave without eating when the meal would have been paid for. You don’t say how old your DD but having to start getting ready at 8pm for a 6.30 start still seems a tad extreme.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 30/05/2023 12:57

MargotBamborough · 30/05/2023 12:50

So if her daughter left at 6pm and the meal was an hour late, that means the meal was due to be served at 5pm or earlier?

Why do people think this is a meal time? What meal is this? It's too late to be lunch and too early to be dinner.

Show quote history

Pretty standard time for a wedding breakfast. Most I had been to start around 2, then have drinks and chatting till about 4:30 when people start sitting down to a meal that combined with speeches lasts till around 7:30

Frabbits · 30/05/2023 12:57

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/05/2023 11:57

@Frabbits

it is rude though

Show quote history

Why is it rude though? Really, why?

Sugarfree23 · 30/05/2023 12:58

@Throwncrumbs she was driving. So no time constraints there also we are in June it's light until after 10pm at the moment so not even an excuse to be home before dark or bad weather

Nodinnernogift · 30/05/2023 13:01

Obnoxious behaviour from your DD but you enabled it OP. I can't believe you think it's ok to have the wedding couple foot the bill for a meal she didn't even stay for. Next time politely decline with lots of notice so they can invite another guest or save on the cost of her meal.

MargotBamborough · 30/05/2023 13:03

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/05/2023 12:55

@MargotBamborough

you don’t have to stick rigidly to meal times! It’s a wedding - you go with the flow!

Show quote history

I agree you should go with the flow at a wedding, which is why the daughter should have loosened up a little and stayed for the meal. But if you eat your dinner at 5pm, you're going to need another meal later.

Is this just a con by the wedding industry to make couples pay for an evening buffet as well?

Sugarfree23 · 30/05/2023 13:04

Frabbits · 30/05/2023 12:57

Why is it rude though? Really, why?

Show quote history

Its rude because she has taken up a space at a wedding and run before the dancing has even started.

You know when you come access threads where people are treated shabbily by friends and people reply "they aren't your friend"; " ditch and find new friends".

This girl has just told half her Dad's family I don't give a shit about you. You might care about me, but I don't care about you. Actions speak far louder than words.

GrinAndVomit · 30/05/2023 13:05

MargotBamborough · 30/05/2023 12:50

So if her daughter left at 6pm and the meal was an hour late, that means the meal was due to be served at 5pm or earlier?

Why do people think this is a meal time? What meal is this? It's too late to be lunch and too early to be dinner.

Show quote history

I think it’s reasonable. If the ceremony was at 1-ish then people will have eaten before that (11-12 or earlier) and be hungry by 5pm. Then the evening usually has a buffet too.
I’m usually famished by the time the food is served at weddings; all that waiting around while they’re having photos etc.

Frabbits · 30/05/2023 13:06

So presumably if say you are having a wedding and a guest can't stay the entire time, you would rather they didn't come at all?

Or if they dare to leave a bit early because they aren't fussed about staying to dance and drink, or whatever, you would rather they didn't come at all?

Such a weird attitude to have.

MargotBamborough · 30/05/2023 13:07

GrinAndVomit · 30/05/2023 13:05

I think it’s reasonable. If the ceremony was at 1-ish then people will have eaten before that (11-12 or earlier) and be hungry by 5pm. Then the evening usually has a buffet too.
I’m usually famished by the time the food is served at weddings; all that waiting around while they’re having photos etc.

Show quote history

I always find this very odd at weddings in the UK. I much prefer continental weddings.

When I got married the church service was at 4pm, the reception started at 6pm and the meal was served at 8pm.

And the carriage didn't turn into a pumpkin at midnight 11pm.

Frabbits · 30/05/2023 13:07

Sugarfree23 · 30/05/2023 13:04

Its rude because she has taken up a space at a wedding and run before the dancing has even started.

You know when you come access threads where people are treated shabbily by friends and people reply "they aren't your friend"; " ditch and find new friends".

This girl has just told half her Dad's family I don't give a shit about you. You might care about me, but I don't care about you. Actions speak far louder than words.

Show quote history

But people have other obligations at times. That's unavoidable. Maybe the could have stayed a bit later, maybe she couldn't. That's just life. To get the arse over it is weird.

alphajuliet123 · 30/05/2023 13:08

The timing of the meal is wholly irrelevant. The fact that the daughter couldn’t even manage an extra half hour or an hour is pathetic. And incredibly rude.

At the very least she owes whoever paid for her wasted meal a massive apology and a reimbursement of the cost. OP, make it right.

MargotBamborough · 30/05/2023 13:08

Frabbits · 30/05/2023 13:07

But people have other obligations at times. That's unavoidable. Maybe the could have stayed a bit later, maybe she couldn't. That's just life. To get the arse over it is weird.

Show quote history

I mean, if the only reason she left early was because she had to get up at 6:30 for work, and she was home by 8pm, clearly she could at least have stayed until after the main course.

Chickenwing2 · 30/05/2023 13:09

You're DD is very rude. To leave a wedding meal that early for no good reason is ridiculous. Wedding meals are so expensive.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/05/2023 13:09

MargotBamborough · 30/05/2023 13:03

I agree you should go with the flow at a wedding, which is why the daughter should have loosened up a little and stayed for the meal. But if you eat your dinner at 5pm, you're going to need another meal later.

Is this just a con by the wedding industry to make couples pay for an evening buffet as well?

Show quote history

@MargotBamborough

the meal will last probs 1.5 hours to 2 hours
starts at 5 ends at 7 for example
likely a three course meal
so no you wouldn’t need another meal later

Ginandrosemary · 30/05/2023 13:09

DD was unreasonable and could have stayed later. I'm up at 5am for work every day and I would stay later than that. In-laws shouldn't have made a big deal about it either.

alphajuliet123 · 30/05/2023 13:10

Frabbits · 30/05/2023 13:06

So presumably if say you are having a wedding and a guest can't stay the entire time, you would rather they didn't come at all?

Or if they dare to leave a bit early because they aren't fussed about staying to dance and drink, or whatever, you would rather they didn't come at all?

Such a weird attitude to have.

I’d rather they said “I’d love to come for the service but need to get off at 6ish for my beddy byes so please count me out of the dinner.”

Sugarfree23 · 30/05/2023 13:10

For a genuine reason I'd understand, illness, a nightshift, kids, caring responsibility.

But a 19 yo fucking off at 6.30 to be home for 8.00 on the basis of it being a work night I'd call bullshit.
And see it as I obviously thought more or them and they do of me.

Fizbosshoes · 30/05/2023 13:12

I haven't RTFT. I would agree everyone is unreasonable!!

it'not unreasonable for the DD to want to be home for 8pm for whatever reason. It is unreasonable to expect a wedding to cater for that and ensure a meal is served and finished by 6.30. Even if food had been served "on time" (I've never had a timetable at a wedding) its still feasible they might still be eating an hour later. (It would be different if it was a buffet) It would be better to have already mentioned at the time of invite, to the Bride and Groom, that you need to leave at, or before 6.30 and therefore will leave before a meal is served. (To save them money and potentially arrange tables differently)

What was most unreasonable imo was everyone getting up from the table. If DD had to leave they could have tried to do discretely (but ideally wouldn't have wasted a meal) but then for OP, her DH, MIL (possibly BIL too) to all get up and cause disruption seems ridiculous. Why did anyone need to walk DD to her car, at 6.30 when it's daylight....?

LolaSmiles · 30/05/2023 13:12

So presumably if say you are having a wedding and a guest can't stay the entire time, you would rather they didn't come at all?

Or if they dare to leave a bit early because they aren't fussed about staying to dance and drink, or whatever, you would rather they didn't come at all?

Such a weird attitude to have.

If someone, for whatever reason, can't attend the whole thing then the polite thing to do is tell the couple.( E.g. "I'd love to attend your wedding. Thank you for the invite. I'll only be able to make the ceremony as unfortunately I'm working a night shift". Or "Thank you for the invite. We're both coming, but won't be able to attend the evening reception because we've got to travel back relieve my parents of babysitting duties"). Very few people would object to that.

Leaving mid evening because you're tired or not feeling great, or you're conscious of the drive home, or any other reason is also something few people would mind. Not everyone wants to party until midnight.

Rsvp-ing yes to a wedding and then buggering off half way through the wedding breakfast at 6/6:30 is simply rude.

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