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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD left wedding early cos of work - should family of kept out of it

1000 replies

Safarigiraffe · 29/05/2023 23:07

Hi went to family wedding last night & stayed overnight in hotel. DD couldn’t stay overnight as she was working today however she did come to wedding but here’s the AIBU or not - wedding was running later than expected & DD had to leave by a certain time to be back home as she was up 630 today for work. When DD went to leave everyone on our immediate table (MIL, BIL mainly) made a huge scene about why DD was leaving early as food hadn’t yet arrived (Starters she had but as main food was running a hour late she couldn’t wait for that) & as my husband went to walk DD to car park MIL ran after them both expressing herself over why DD was leaving early (she knew she had to leave early for work)
So AIBU to think that maybe no one should have got involved causing a scene or was DD being unreasonable for having to leave without eating main food when it was already running a hour late and she had to leave to get back home (journey home was hour and a half so she didn’t get in until 8/815)

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 30/05/2023 10:45

If she knew she had a wedding that day and an early start the next morning, I would thought she sorted her work stuff the day before.

MIL obviously behaved ridiculously.

Getting home for 8.30 is also OTT for a 6.30 wake up

Sandylanes69 · 30/05/2023 10:47

Iwasafool · 30/05/2023 10:23

You do realise that not everyone is the same? If she knows she needs to be home because she needs her sleep do you think it would be responsible for her to stay late and cause and accident?

I don't really know what you being older has to do with it but personally I need less sleep now than I did when I was a teenager but again we aren't all the same are we.

Currently I've been up for 4 hours, done two loads of washing, watered front and back garden (hose pipe ban so carrying cans of water) sorted out the recycling as it is bin day, prepared breakfast and had a sit down and look at the internet. Teenage grandchildren, aged between 15 and 18, are still in bed. Shock horror teenagers like their sleep.

Show quote history

Then please don't let them accept invitations to expensive, formal events!

ExpectingToBeBashed · 30/05/2023 10:52

Leaving part way through the meal was rude. If she was about to miss the last train home it would be different.
Getting home an hour or two later would have been fine even with an early start it was OTT leaving that early so I can understand why the family members you were with took it badly.

Hersetta427 · 30/05/2023 10:52

So this is the same 19 yr old DD who wanted you to pay for her BF to come on holiday with you?

She has form then for spending other peoples money !

KimberleyClark · 30/05/2023 10:53

NoTouch · 29/05/2023 23:38

Ffs lay your clothes out the day before if you know your going to a wedding and shower in the morning. Its called making a (tiny!) effort. The dd obviously was at the wedding under durress, couldnt wait to leave, had had enough and simply didnt give a shit about leaving mid meal.

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Yes I agree. She’d have booked another day’s leave if she really wanted to be there.

SoupDragon · 30/05/2023 10:55

Summertimesmile · 30/05/2023 10:41

She was rude. She did not need to leave at 6.30pm and be home by 8. She should have left at about 8.30 / 9 to be home for 10 / 10.30 and have finished the meal and you should have told her so

How on earth do you know what she needed to do? Are you her?

Sandylanes69 · 30/05/2023 10:56

SoupDragon · 30/05/2023 10:55

How on earth do you know what she needed to do? Are you her?

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You don't need to be her to know what's good manners and what isn't.

IncomingTraffic · 30/05/2023 10:57

Hersetta427 · 30/05/2023 10:52

So this is the same 19 yr old DD who wanted you to pay for her BF to come on holiday with you?

She has form then for spending other peoples money !

Maybe that’s why MIL was so pissed off. She knows her granddaughter.

Postbox87 · 30/05/2023 10:57

There was no need to cause a scene, but I think it's rude of your DD to leave before dinner was served. The meal was paid for by someone else after all.

PossiblyNotOne · 30/05/2023 10:58

Toddlerteaplease · 30/05/2023 10:02

@Sugarfree23 I'm a nurse and would happily have stayed till 19 or then end of the meal. I have to be up at 5.45.

I remember the days of going out getting about 2 hours sleep and rolling into work at 7am. Probably shouldn’t admit that, but everyone did it. Wouldn’t do it now. Couldn’t do it now.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 30/05/2023 11:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

It is rude to leave an event considerably early when someone has paid a substantial amount of money for you to be there, your potentially taking up the place of someone else and you haven’t cleared it upfront. We have no idea whether the bride or groom are happy about it, they probably wouldn’t share their true feeling.

Newname211 · 30/05/2023 11:01

Safarigiraffe · 29/05/2023 23:24

DD left early as she had been up from 630 like the rest of us but wanted to come home around 8pm to get ready for work next day

What exactly does getting ready involve that requires well over 12 hours to get ready for?

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 30/05/2023 11:02

LittleBearPad · 30/05/2023 10:28

You genuinely think it’s ok to walk out in the middle of a wedding breakfast? Wouldn’t it be better to say you can come to the ceremony but need to leave pre-reception?

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As I said, I would inform the bride and or groom as soon as possible and apologise.

If I knew that I couldn't stay for the main courses, I would probably offer to leave after the ceremony.

But in this case the DD would have had time to sit down for the first and main courses if there hadn't been a delay. She wouldn't have walk out in the middle if everything had gone as planned.

I therefore think that it was perfectly alright. (If she informed the bridal couple beforehand.)

=> Yes, I do think it's okay.

alphajuliet123 · 30/05/2023 11:04

Hersetta427 · 30/05/2023 10:52

So this is the same 19 yr old DD who wanted you to pay for her BF to come on holiday with you?

She has form then for spending other peoples money !

Oh is it? The Dubai one?

OP you really have raised an entitled little brat.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 30/05/2023 11:05

Frabbits · 30/05/2023 10:27

Since when was an invite a summons to a complete commitment of someone's time? Someone at my wedding wasn't able to attend for more than a couple of hours; I was just happy that they made the effort with the time they had.

This person - for whatever reason - had to be away. What is rude is making that person feel fucking bad for having to do that. It wasn't DD's fault that the meal was running late. If it hadn't been she would have stayed for the meal and left at a time when people start filtering away anyway, as people do once the formal events are over and it just turns into a drinking session.

It’s not a summons on a time but they are inviting you for an event and are paying for you to attend and by accepting the invite you are agreeing to join. It’s not rude to leave before the end but leaving before the main event/substantially early is.

IncomingTraffic · 30/05/2023 11:05

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 30/05/2023 11:02

As I said, I would inform the bride and or groom as soon as possible and apologise.

If I knew that I couldn't stay for the main courses, I would probably offer to leave after the ceremony.

But in this case the DD would have had time to sit down for the first and main courses if there hadn't been a delay. She wouldn't have walk out in the middle if everything had gone as planned.

I therefore think that it was perfectly alright. (If she informed the bridal couple beforehand.)

=> Yes, I do think it's okay.

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The plan (the DD’s plan that is) involved walking out mid dinner either way then.

Obviously it was rude.

Of course the B&G didn’t make a fuss about the second cousin who decided to say goodbye as the main courses were being served at their weeding. Doesn’t mean they don’t think she’s rude and annoying.

UWhatNow · 30/05/2023 11:09

IncomingTraffic · 30/05/2023 10:57

Maybe that’s why MIL was so pissed off. She knows her granddaughter.

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And the op will happily let everyone do the usual witch burning of the ‘rude’ MIL but let her dd get away with murder. Leaving in the middle of a wedding meal with a lame excuse is ridiculous and no wonder MIL wanted to point this out. She sounds like the only sane one in your family. You sound like a permissive parent who lets your kids do whatever they want however bad mannered.

IncomingTraffic · 30/05/2023 11:10

The ‘it’s an invitation not a summons’ point is relevant at the invitation point.

Once you’ve committed to attending, you do need to think about other people. That means recognising that getting up to say goodbye in the middle of the symbolic and celebratory communal meal that’s part of the wedding is not OK.

Waiting to leave quietly and politely after the meal is fine. This isn’t an emergency situation. It’s a young adult who couldn’t be arsed and wanted to be elsewhere.

RampantIvy · 30/05/2023 11:11

Waiting for the drip feed/back story.

MinxieMax · 30/05/2023 11:12

I reckon DD didn't want to be there in the first place and couldn't wait to escape. But her tactics were amateur.

Get her to ask a pro like me how to escape and I'll give her a few polite and discreet ways to do it!

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 30/05/2023 11:13

IncomingTraffic · 30/05/2023 11:05

The plan (the DD’s plan that is) involved walking out mid dinner either way then.

Obviously it was rude.

Of course the B&G didn’t make a fuss about the second cousin who decided to say goodbye as the main courses were being served at their weeding. Doesn’t mean they don’t think she’s rude and annoying.

Show quote history

Not staying longer than one feels comfortable with is not inherently rude imo.
Nobody is owed our time and attention.

This is actually a healthy boundary imo.

I (personally) usually would not want to leave early, I enjoy weddings and similar occasions. But that doesn't make it inherently rude IMO.

Inform the bride/groom, discuss what works best for everyone(just the ceremony, parts of the breakfast etc) and leave.

BonnieBobbin · 30/05/2023 11:15

Your DD made a very odd choice. If she had to leave so early (although God knows why she couldn't have stayed out later since it was a special occasion. I've been to family events and had to get up for a 6.30am shift the next day. It's not impossible.) she shouldn't have accepted for the full event. She shouldn't have cost them a meal.
Even if MIL hadn't followed her out, everyone would have noticed someone leaving a third of the way through the meal. It's very rude.

Biker47 · 30/05/2023 11:16

Family reaction was a bit much, but fucking hell, leaving at what, 6:30 to get home at 8:15 for work next day is a bit wet, even if I had work at that time I'd still not leave till about 9 or 10 even with an hour & half journey back home.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 30/05/2023 11:16

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 30/05/2023 11:13

Not staying longer than one feels comfortable with is not inherently rude imo.
Nobody is owed our time and attention.

This is actually a healthy boundary imo.

I (personally) usually would not want to leave early, I enjoy weddings and similar occasions. But that doesn't make it inherently rude IMO.

Inform the bride/groom, discuss what works best for everyone(just the ceremony, parts of the breakfast etc) and leave.

Show quote history

Fine but if you are leaving really early then don’t accept the invite or discuss upfront. What if everyone decides to leave part way through the meal??

IncomingTraffic · 30/05/2023 11:17

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 30/05/2023 11:13

Not staying longer than one feels comfortable with is not inherently rude imo.
Nobody is owed our time and attention.

This is actually a healthy boundary imo.

I (personally) usually would not want to leave early, I enjoy weddings and similar occasions. But that doesn't make it inherently rude IMO.

Inform the bride/groom, discuss what works best for everyone(just the ceremony, parts of the breakfast etc) and leave.

Show quote history

Why has ‘healthy boundaries’ become a euphamism for ‘being utterly self centred’

If your ‘boundary’ is that you will leave ridiculously early, mid-meal because you’re ‘not comfortable with staying any longer’ and ‘no one is owed your time’, decline the invitation entirely.

just don’t go if you’re not happy with upholding your end of the social requirements.

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