Page 20 | DD left wedding early cos of work - should family of kept out of it

Safarigiraffe · 2023-05-29T22:07:20+00:00

Hi went to family wedding last night & stayed overnight in hotel. DD couldn’t stay overnight as she was working today however she did come to wedding but here’s the AIBU or not - wedding was running later than expected & DD had to leave by a certain time to be back home as she was up 630 today for work. When DD went to leave everyone on our immediate table (MIL, BIL mainly) made a huge scene about why DD was leaving early as food hadn’t yet arrived (Starters she had but as main food was running a hour late she couldn’t wait for that) & as my husband went to walk DD to car park MIL ran after them both expressing herself over why DD was leaving early (she knew she had to leave early for work) So AIBU to think that maybe no one should have got involved causing a scene or was DD being unreasonable for having to leave without eating main food when it was already running a hour late and she had to leave to get back home (journey home was hour and a half so she didn’t get in until 8/815)

IncomingTraffic · 30/05/2023 09:43

The thing about self care and setting boundaries and all that stuff is that it happens at the invitation stage.

You see the wedding invitation and if your personal priorities are a long bubble bath and an early night, then you politely decline.

You don’t decide to leave midway through the bloody meal at a wedding because you want to be in the your pyjamas before 8.30.

As for the whataboutery that maybe she was unwell. That’s different - obviously. And she’d have quietly left without making a fuss.

Going up to the top table to interrupt the meal to say goodbye because you’ve decided you want to go home is not leaving quietly without a fuss.

TheCyclingGorilla · 30/05/2023 09:43

Not unreasonable. I attended a birthday dinner for my Mum then left to do a night shift. I tried to get annual leave but it was declined. It's just how it is.

Your DD did nothing wrong.

Sandylanes69 · 30/05/2023 09:44

TheCyclingGorilla · 30/05/2023 09:43

Not unreasonable. I attended a birthday dinner for my Mum then left to do a night shift. I tried to get annual leave but it was declined. It's just how it is.

Your DD did nothing wrong.

Did you leave after the starter and waste a main meal though?

ArdeteiMasazxu · 30/05/2023 09:46

MiL was very unreasonable to cause a scene. No call for that. DD is free to be where she pleases and if she didn't want to be there she didn't have to be.

But DDs behaviour does seem a bit off. Sure she would have needed to be home by 10ish with a 6:30 start but getting home by 8:30 and thereby wasting a £50 meal - if she didn't really want to be there for the meal she should have declined that part of the invite and saved the hosts £50, and if she did she could have stayed another hour without harming her capacity to work next day. So yes she handled it badly but mil kicking up a huge fuss about it was worse.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/05/2023 09:46

Sandylanes69 · 30/05/2023 09:44

Did you leave after the starter and waste a main meal though?

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@TheCyclingGorilla

you were doing a night shift. That’s fair enough. OP’s daughter wasn’t doing a night shift. There was simply no need for her to leave so early.

TheCyclingGorilla · 30/05/2023 09:46

@Sandylanes69 no but I run out of the restaurant at 9.30 after the mains. 🤷🏼‍♀️

IncomingTraffic · 30/05/2023 09:47

TheCyclingGorilla · 30/05/2023 09:43

Not unreasonable. I attended a birthday dinner for my Mum then left to do a night shift. I tried to get annual leave but it was declined. It's just how it is.

Your DD did nothing wrong.

That’s completely different though.

You actually had to work a night shift, during the event. So you tried to get time off work, couldn’t and attended for the bits you could make then went to work.

You didn’t decide to leave your mum’s birthday meal after the started because you wanted to be home for 8pm
because you had work the next day and would be getting up at a pretty normal workday getting up time for most people.

Sugarfree23 · 30/05/2023 09:47

@TheCyclingGorilla leaving to do a night shift is a totally different senerio.

Leaving a 6 30 to be home for 8.00. In order to get 11.5 hours of beauty sleep is a load of nonsense. She's not a baby who needs 12 hours sleep.
She had other plans.

ChrisPPancake · 30/05/2023 09:48

Mil shouldn't have caused a scene but imo your daughter was rude to leave early. She could have managed another hour.

Sandylanes69 · 30/05/2023 09:48

TheCyclingGorilla · 30/05/2023 09:46

@Sandylanes69 no but I run out of the restaurant at 9.30 after the mains. 🤷🏼‍♀️

So totally different scenario 🤷‍♀️

LolaSmiles · 30/05/2023 09:51

The thing about self care and setting boundaries and all that stuff is that it happens at the invitation stage.

You see the wedding invitation and if your personal priorities are a long bubble bath and an early night, then you politely decline.

You don’t decide to leave midway through the bloody meal at a wedding because you want to be in the your pyjamas before 8.30
This!

Even if the meal wasn't running late (even the late meal was a typical evening meal time), the OP's daughter wasn't going to be present for the whole meal.

PossiblyNotOne · 30/05/2023 09:53

I think she probably left early to get her bf round, judging by previous posts.

Mrsglitterfairy · 30/05/2023 09:54

DD was rude AF! I’m up at 5.50 for work and last week I went to see a friend for her birthday and didn’t get home until almost 11. Was it ideal? No. Was I tired the next day? Yes. But it was a one-off and I made that sacrifice to put someone else first. The next morning I just got my clothes out and put them on and bought lunch for a change as I didn’t make it the night before.
Then as I was tired, I went to bed a bit earlier that night

Iwasafool · 30/05/2023 09:55

LittleBearPad · 29/05/2023 23:32

Your daughter could have waited for her main course at least. She didn’t need to be home over ten hours before starting work.

How do you know she didn't need to? She'd been up for 14 hrs by the time she got home so maybe she didn't want to risk driving when she was over tired. Maybe she had a 12 hr shift the next day and knew if she didn't get a good nights sleep wouldn't be able to do her job properly. Imagine if she's a nurse in intensive care and your life depends on her reactions, still happy that she is too tired for work? Maybe she's only just passed her test and it was a long drive for her or she wanted to be home before dark, not unusual for a new driver. The point is you can't state that she didn't need to be home because you don't know all the circumstances, I've given examples but there are probably dozens of other reasons she might need to be home at that time.

I learned to drive 50 years ago and I still remember my instructor saying I had to make the decisions about what was safe, not the back seat driver, not the man in the car behind who wants me to disappear into a hedge so he can overtake on a narrow road. This young woman made a decision and it was her decision to make. If the B&G are bothered they need to take it up with the venue as the meal shouldn't have been an hour lat.

Whatnow321 · 30/05/2023 09:56

Your MIL shouldn’t have made a scene as highlighted it more but agree with others your DD was rude accepting then leaving so early.

I was at a family event Sunday evening, unavoidably things changed so I had to be out the house at 7am the next day. I stayed till 10.30pm and then did a 2.5hr trip home getting back at 1am. Was tired but I accepted the invite so made it work. Surely your daughter could have stayed for another hour and go after the main and still been home for 9ish. Seems strange she needed to be home so early.

Sugarfree23 · 30/05/2023 09:58

Iwasafool · 30/05/2023 09:55

How do you know she didn't need to? She'd been up for 14 hrs by the time she got home so maybe she didn't want to risk driving when she was over tired. Maybe she had a 12 hr shift the next day and knew if she didn't get a good nights sleep wouldn't be able to do her job properly. Imagine if she's a nurse in intensive care and your life depends on her reactions, still happy that she is too tired for work? Maybe she's only just passed her test and it was a long drive for her or she wanted to be home before dark, not unusual for a new driver. The point is you can't state that she didn't need to be home because you don't know all the circumstances, I've given examples but there are probably dozens of other reasons she might need to be home at that time.

I learned to drive 50 years ago and I still remember my instructor saying I had to make the decisions about what was safe, not the back seat driver, not the man in the car behind who wants me to disappear into a hedge so he can overtake on a narrow road. This young woman made a decision and it was her decision to make. If the B&G are bothered they need to take it up with the venue as the meal shouldn't have been an hour lat.

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If she didn't feel she could stay for the meal & evening reception she should have declined the meal.
Let someone who actually wanted to celebrate 🍾 with the couple have it.

Rude very rude.

Toddlerteaplease · 30/05/2023 10:02

@Sugarfree23 I'm a nurse and would happily have stayed till 19 or then end of the meal. I have to be up at 5.45.

Takoneko · 30/05/2023 10:03

It feels like we are becoming increasingly individualistic as a society. I don’t know if it’s creeping over from the US, which is historically more individualistic and less collectivist than the U.K. Of course, the daughter is a guest not a captive. She can leave should she choose to. But when you accept an invitation there’s a social contract involved. The bride and groom paid for her to be there, the polite thing to do would have been to stay for mains at the very least. She didn’t have to accept the invitation, but having accepted, she’d committed to attending the event. 6.30 is incredibly early to leave a wedding. I’d imagine her grandmother was deeply embarrassed. We aren’t islands and social obligations help us all rub along together. Politeness plays an important role in society.

fernsgotlegs · 30/05/2023 10:04

I'm on the fence.

On the one hand I think your relatives were a bit over-dramatic. Adults can leave events early if they want and other people might feel a bit annoyed privately, but really no need to make a big fuss, run after you etc. From the bridge and groom's point of view they are more likely to be upset by people making a drama, than by one person quietly leaving.

But on the other hand it does seem a bit extreme to need to need to get home by 8 just because you've got to get up at 6.30. She could have stayed an extra hour or hour and a half and still been in bed by 10/10.30. If she need to prepare stuff for work, then better to plan ahead and get all that done before leaving for the wedding.

ManateeFair · 30/05/2023 10:05

Nobody should have made a big fuss about your daughter leaving, but it was incredibly rude of her to leave halfway through the meal (that the bride and groom had paid for!) at 8pm because she had work the next day. It wouldn't have bloody killed her to get home a bit later than planned. Worst case scenario, she's a bit tired the next day. So while it obviously didn't help that other guests made a fuss about it, she really needs to learn about manners.

Shade17 · 30/05/2023 10:05

Most young adults can cope with a few hours sleep as a one off. It’s not like she was even drinking. She could have the left the wedding at 10:30pm and still had a decent 6+hrs. It was VERY rude of her.

LittleBearPad · 30/05/2023 10:06

Iwasafool · 30/05/2023 09:55

How do you know she didn't need to? She'd been up for 14 hrs by the time she got home so maybe she didn't want to risk driving when she was over tired. Maybe she had a 12 hr shift the next day and knew if she didn't get a good nights sleep wouldn't be able to do her job properly. Imagine if she's a nurse in intensive care and your life depends on her reactions, still happy that she is too tired for work? Maybe she's only just passed her test and it was a long drive for her or she wanted to be home before dark, not unusual for a new driver. The point is you can't state that she didn't need to be home because you don't know all the circumstances, I've given examples but there are probably dozens of other reasons she might need to be home at that time.

I learned to drive 50 years ago and I still remember my instructor saying I had to make the decisions about what was safe, not the back seat driver, not the man in the car behind who wants me to disappear into a hedge so he can overtake on a narrow road. This young woman made a decision and it was her decision to make. If the B&G are bothered they need to take it up with the venue as the meal shouldn't have been an hour lat.

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“She’d been awake 14 hours”

Not 14 hours! 🙀. The horror!

She was rude.

astarsheis · 30/05/2023 10:07

I thought you were going to say...didn't get home until mid-night.
Surely she could have staid to have the meal. UABU

LolaSmiles · 30/05/2023 10:07

How do you know she didn't need to? She'd been up for 14 hrs by the time she got home so maybe she didn't want to risk driving when she was over tired. Maybe she had a 12 hr shift the next day and knew if she didn't get a good nights sleep wouldn't be able to do her job properly. Imagine if she's a nurse in intensive care and your life depends on her reactions, still happy that she is too tired for work? Maybe she's only just passed her test and it was a long drive for her or she wanted to be home before dark, not unusual for a new driver. The point is you can't state that she didn't need to be home because you don't know all the circumstances, I've given examples but there are probably dozens of other reasons she might need to be home at that time.
That's a lot of whataboutery, but if she really did have a lengthy list of reasons why she had to leave 6/6.30pm then she should have politely declined the invitation.
Even if the meal had been served when planned, she would have had to leave during the meal, so she should have declined.

Sugarfree23 · 30/05/2023 10:10

Toddlerteaplease · 30/05/2023 10:02

@Sugarfree23 I'm a nurse and would happily have stayed till 19 or then end of the meal. I have to be up at 5.45.

5.45 is 45mins earlier than the DD needed to be up.
If she'd hung around until 19.45 - 20.00 finished the meal saw the first dance and then left with the drive & work excuse home for 9.30 - 10 it would have been more acceptable.

But leaving at 6.30 - home for 8.00 just stinks of other plans.

Putting it into perspective my 12 yo does a club on a school night that doesn't even start until 8pm.