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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think no one goes into mourning now

139 replies

NotYetButSoon · 29/05/2023 18:00

My DH is dying and I'm trying to get things prepared while I'm still coping mentally. Are there any rules/expectations regarding mourning these days, or does no one really bother with it?

I mean, I'm not going to go out clubbing in a luminous pink mini skirt the day after his funeral or anything, but are there more subtle expectations I'm not aware of?

For example, is it socially acceptable for a grieving widow to: go out shopping for non-essential items, visit friends in their house, go to a cafe with a friend, go to my book club at the library, go for a quiet drink with mates in the pub, go to the cinema with family, drive up to visit my family for a week? Should I wear dark clothes all the time, and how soon is it reasonable to wear brighter colours? If mourning still exists, how long should it last? Just until after the funeral? 3 months? 6 months? In Victorian times it was a year for a husband.

Obviously, I can do what I like, but I don't want people thinking I'm not respecting his memory.

What are your thoughts?

YABU= It's expected to observe a mourning period
YANBU= No one cares

OP posts:
Americano75 · 29/05/2023 18:02

Oh love, I'm not even going to sugar coat this. Fuck what anyone else thinks when the time comes. Take it a minute at a time. I'm so sorry you're facing this.

BriarHare · 29/05/2023 18:03

Mourning is a very dated construct that rightfully belongs in the distant past.

You do whatever feels right. Go to the shops/pub whatever. Not one person will judge.

Gtsr443 · 29/05/2023 18:04

There are no rules. None.
You do what is right for you.
I'm so sorry you are going through this very difficult time.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 29/05/2023 18:04

Depends on your background/culture. We are Jewish so for us it is all very carefully laid out. Just do what you feel is right.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 29/05/2023 18:04

Been there, you do you, don’t worry what anyone else thinks ❤️

GoalShooter · 29/05/2023 18:05

All those things are perfectly acceptable OP Flowers

Newnamenewname109870 · 29/05/2023 18:05

You do exactly what you need to do and what makes you feel better. I promise no one would bat an eyelid!

CruCru · 29/05/2023 18:05

I’m sorry to hear about your husband. I agree with Americano75. When my Dad died (on a Sunday in September), some old friends came round to my Mum’s in the early evening, hung out a bit with my Mum and took me to the pub. There is no rule about what you should do when recently bereaved.

morelippy · 29/05/2023 18:06

Definitely do whatever you feel comfortable with. A formal period of mourning is def in the past.. the most recent funerals I have attended have also specifically asked for no black, so it def in the past.

I think you should gently do what you would normally do, taking each day as it comes. Some days you may change your mind and cancel plans.. friends won't mind.

No one with judge you.

I'm sorry you're facing this OP.

parietal · 29/05/2023 18:07

my dad died after being unwell for a long time. 2 months later, my mum went on a big overseas holiday because she hadn't been able to travel in several years due to caring. it was just want she needed and was her type of mourning.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 29/05/2023 18:07

We’re dealing with a very close bereavement just now and couldn’t give 2 shiny shits what anyone thinks!

you do whatever you feel like doing, whenever and however you like.

Original poster
NotYetButSoon · 29/05/2023 18:07

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 29/05/2023 18:04

Depends on your background/culture. We are Jewish so for us it is all very carefully laid out. Just do what you feel is right.

I'm an atheist. DH is Christian but not a regular churchgoer even before his illness.

OP posts:
hashtagmethree · 29/05/2023 18:07

As you say you can do what you like but I'd bear in mind

  • even if he is dying and you are expecting it, be prepared for it to still be a shock when he does die. If someone is dying, you think you are mentally prepared but you aren't at all. It is still a shock when it happens.
  • how people react when they are grieving varies hugely so it is impossible to predict hw you will feel or what you will want to do. So I think you are worrying about a non- problem. You may not feel like doing anything.
  • no one wears dark colours in the UK (if that is where you are) any more. if you want to and feel like it then do it. If you don't don't no one will judge you.
  • personally I'd just do your own thing but do be aware that if you go wild partying, shagging all the neighbours or anything that's a bit inappropriate for someone who has lost a life partner, people will judge you. Beyond that I don't think anyone cares.
  • finally, plenty of people don't like dealing with grief or bereavement and feel awkward around it so you may find some (not all) friends avoiding you for a bit. It's not you. its them.

I'm sorry you are facing this and wish that all is peaceful and painfree for your DH and anticipatory condolences.

MagicSpring · 29/05/2023 18:08

Do whatever you need to get you through each day.

toothbrusher · 29/05/2023 18:09

Sorry to hear what you're going through. No experience but I wouldn't judge you for doing anything above or indeed going clubbing in neon pink. Just do what you feel like and screw what anyone thinks ❤️

Singleandproud · 29/05/2023 18:09

I'm so sorry this is something you are having to think about now.

I think taking the time to mourn is important, taking time to deal with the change in your life and not putting too many demands on yourself but other than that wear and do what makes you feel good.

I don't have a partner but my parents have both told me that they do not want me to feel sad when they die, to celebrate the things they did and the memories we shared and I am on strict instructions to wear something bright and cherry to their funeral.

Oneearringlost · 29/05/2023 18:09

A "period" of mourning also could imply to people (and possibly to oneself), that there is an end point to grieving. There is not.
Do anything and everything you feel like, or not.
I'm so sorry you are facing this.

BogRollBOGOF · 29/05/2023 18:10

Do what you need to do to get through it 💐

Oneearringlost · 29/05/2023 18:10

A "period" of mourning also could imply to people (and possibly to oneself), that there is an end point to grieving. There is not.
Do anything and everything you feel like, or not.
I'm so sorry you are facing this.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 29/05/2023 18:10

Well, even more reason to do what feels right for you.

MadEyeMoodysEye · 29/05/2023 18:11

Do whatever feels right at the time - and that could change wildly from one day to the next.

AnarchoTyrannosaurus · 29/05/2023 18:12

I'm so sorry op. I think you should grieve however you want. It's nothing to do with anyone else. Just be gentle on yourself.

SweetSakura · 29/05/2023 18:12

Do whatever you need to do to get through

Comedycook · 29/05/2023 18:13

I have a relative who wore black for a year after her husband died.

But no, you don't have to do such things.

Take each day as it comes and prioritse your own needs rather than thinking about what people think of you.

readbooksdrinktea · 29/05/2023 18:13

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 29/05/2023 18:04

Depends on your background/culture. We are Jewish so for us it is all very carefully laid out. Just do what you feel is right.

This. It does depend.

Do what is right for you. It's all you can do.