To think no one goes into mourning now

[NotYetButSoon]

My DH is dying and I'm trying to get things prepared while I'm still coping mentally. Are there any rules/expectations regarding mourning these days, or does no one really bother with it?

I mean, I'm not going to go out clubbing in a luminous pink mini skirt the day after his funeral or anything, but are there more subtle expectations I'm not aware of?

For example, is it socially acceptable for a grieving widow to: go out shopping for non-essential items, visit friends in their house, go to a cafe with a friend, go to my book club at the library, go for a quiet drink with mates in the pub, go to the cinema with family, drive up to visit my family for a week? Should I wear dark clothes all the time, and how soon is it reasonable to wear brighter colours? If mourning still exists, how long should it last? Just until after the funeral? 3 months? 6 months? In Victorian times it was a year for a husband.

Obviously, I can do what I like, but I don't want people thinking I'm not respecting his memory.

What are your thoughts?

YABU= It's expected to observe a mourning period
YANBU= No one cares

Been there and collected the t-shirt a couple of years ago. Agree with (most of) the previous posters that you do what works for you.

Personally I was back out working the day after my wife died. Self-employed as a driving instructor and so no worky, no pay. Had a client relying on me doing an intensive course with a test coming up in a few days, nothing much to do admin-wise as everything was waiting on a call from the registrar (covid times - don't know if you can now do it in person) which could have been any time in the next few days. So did a half day - it kept me busy and otherwise I'd just have sat around the house. Plus the cats expected someone to earn some cash so they could have some cat food - my wife would have been on board with that...

In her final days, I can remember my wife telling me that she knew I'd be ok, and that it annoyed her... I understood. She was both upset that she knew me well and how utterly phlegmatic and pragmatic I am (which could easily look like I didn't much care) and bolstered because she knew that I wouldn't fall apart when she died and would get on and deal with everything.

Sometimes people say it helps when the death of a loved one is a while coming, that you do some of your processing before they die. Perhaps that works. Probably did for me. Most of all for me I think it helps that I was brought up (as was my wife for that matter) in families that, whatever dramas occurred, big or small, they just got on with it. I guess that's always been my model as an adult for dealing with the big bad things that sometimes happen in life.

Do what matters to you, and remember you have a free pass for a few weeks to tell anyone you like to do one if they are pissing you off.

Do whatever you need to whenever you need to. I hated being in the house when my DD passed away, the silence and reminders were too much. I’m sure there were some people who thought I should be curled up in a ball crying all day, and there were plenty of times like that. But there was also lots of times when I just wandered round the shops and went to the gym. To an outsider, that probably looked crazy, heartless and not the done thing. But I needed to distract myself and exhaust myself in the hopes of getting some sleep. I felt horrific inside but on the outside I probably looked as if I was carrying on as normal. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, I’m sending you a big virtual hug. X

I think you should do exactly what you want to do.

My Mum died on 14th May and a very good friend took me out for a walk to a local garden centre where we had scones by the river. In the evening we went out for a meal at an excellent restaurant. It made a very sad day into one I will remember with good memories.

I hope you feel better soon.

You must do what you must do to keep going and to cope.

Perhaps stock up on some easy to cook things, biscuits for the visitors. Only just because you might not feel like going to the shops just after it happens.

It's mundane but i remember when my mum died, after we left her at the hospitals I went home and ate toast. It's a weird memory now as it's so mundane but we hadn't rated in over day while she was in hospital.

Keep going and do what you need to

What matters is how you feel emotionally.

Bereavement is a very individual experience, whilst for some, the first few weeks and months are a period of restricted activities by choice, for others what helps them is to immerse into everyday life. It's nobody's business but yours as to how you behave etc.

I'm sorry you are facing this, and when it happens just take each day, week, month at a time and do what feels right for you.

Going through your activities etc, it's perfectly acceptable to do all of those things straight away if you want to, also perfectly normal to have a period where you take time out. As for clothes, no people don't wear restrictive coloured clothing now, but equally wear what you wish.

Take care

And finally, for some people who have been caring for an terminally ill person for a long time, the death actually brings relief, I've had people come to talk to me because they felt so guilty at feeling relief so I reassure them that it's actually common in these situations

My friend WAS dancing after her beloved DH died.

Life is beautiful and for the living, so we must follow our hearts into whatever season feels right.

My thoughts are with you 💗

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't think there are any 'rules' but that doesn't matter anyway. Do exactly what you need to do to get through this. Anyone who cares for you will have your best interests at heart and would never judge you for whatever you do.

Do whatever you want. Having to stick to some "expected" rules for grief is a really bad idea. Grief affects people differently, and you do what's right for you. Bugger everyone else.

This.
After my Dh died unexpectedly I found there were people who were wonderful and some who were just batshit mad, going to huge effort to avoid me. I remember one hiding behind shelves in Tesco and peeping out SAS-style before she could dash from aisle to aisle. She thought I hadn't seen her🙄It amused me but I found it pretty despicable. Others were a bit too sacchariney though I know they meant well. That sad puppy dog face and subdued voice!

There's a huge amount to do in the first days. The bit between the death and the funeral is grim - a sort of limbo time and quite challenging, though getting the funeral right can be a consolation. Then there';s the nothingness, as someone rightly said. Life defined by what you no longer have to do. I was glad be invited for a meal with friends or to be included in a day out. Otherwise I filled my evenings by binge watching stuff or anything else that would distract me from the lack of my DH. The not-thereness.

Don't bother about what anyone thinks. It's your bereavement not theirs. You'll know what feels right for you when the time comes.
So sorry for you. It's hard.

That's a very useful line to answer enquiries, thank you.

I'm still reading everyone's replies; although I can't respond to you all, I'm grateful.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Whatever feels right to you is right for you.