To think no one goes into mourning now

[NotYetButSoon]

My DH is dying and I'm trying to get things prepared while I'm still coping mentally. Are there any rules/expectations regarding mourning these days, or does no one really bother with it?

I mean, I'm not going to go out clubbing in a luminous pink mini skirt the day after his funeral or anything, but are there more subtle expectations I'm not aware of?

For example, is it socially acceptable for a grieving widow to: go out shopping for non-essential items, visit friends in their house, go to a cafe with a friend, go to my book club at the library, go for a quiet drink with mates in the pub, go to the cinema with family, drive up to visit my family for a week? Should I wear dark clothes all the time, and how soon is it reasonable to wear brighter colours? If mourning still exists, how long should it last? Just until after the funeral? 3 months? 6 months? In Victorian times it was a year for a husband.

Obviously, I can do what I like, but I don't want people thinking I'm not respecting his memory.

What are your thoughts?

YABU= It's expected to observe a mourning period
YANBU= No one cares

Anyone who's opinion is worth anything will have the emotional intelligence to know that when it comes to dealing with grief, you do what feels right for you. For some that might be withdrawing from usual activities, for others it's taking opportunities for distraction and a little lightness in an otherwise dark time. In both my significant bereavements I've taken the latter approach and never felt anything but supported and understood. The only thing you may encounter with people who are more acquaintance, is a little awkwardness because they don't know what to say to you.

Sorry that you are going through this OP. I lost my DH a few years ago, formal mourning didn’t even occur to me, I did whatever I felt like and I didn’t feel that anyone judged me.

Do what you feel like.

What I found /not UK, Europe, in a city/ that even if I did wear black noone noticed because its so normal to wear black. It doesnt speak to people the way it was intended anymore.

I'm very sorry. I believe it should be personal to you, whatever brings you comfort, how you want to celebrate your loved one or cry until you have no tears left. For myself and my husband we visited the lake district straight after the funeral, very early in the morning walked round Buttermere talking about our loved one and even dipped our toes in the cold water. It brought us a sense of peace.

I remember my Gran dying and we drew the curtains and it was very solemn - very unlike her in spirit, I again retreated to nature - escaped to her garden and touched the plants we chose / planted together, watched the clouds.

Sometimes I grieved alone and sometimes with another loved one. I hope you find some peace.

Firstly I’m very sorry for your situation. Assuming your (or potentially DH’s) background has no specific religious or cultural things to observe that you feel are “necessary” then you deal with your own way. The only thing I find odd that people do now is post about how sad they are all over social media but then that’s just me.

My husband died six months ago today. Do whatever you want, whenever you want, as long as you're safe and it's something you want to do. Fuck what anybody thinks. Do what you need to do to help you survive.

How dare anyone judge. Makes me feel angry. My DH had a direct report whose wife died of cancer and she’d been ill well before my DH met him. He couldn’t believe how he looked after her funeral when he came back to work - he’d never seen him with colour in his face.

That’s the reality of long term illness, anticipatory grief (or any grief). Not everyone can return straight to work (caring duties), but many have to. And many choose to return before they need to anyway - for their sanity. It’s one of the quickest ways back into ‘normal’ if you have a good working environment.

I am sorry for your impending loss. I think you should do whatever you need to do to get through the aftermath of the death, so long as it is not actually self destructive.

I lost my husband some years ago now. No rules at all. In fact, as a mother of small children, I had to do everything as usual as no relatives nearby. If someone had ever commented that I was doing too much, I'd have told them who else was there to do it?

What's acceptable is you doing whatever you feel you need and/or is best at the time. There's no etiquette or rules for the grieving process. Just grieve in whatever way you need/want to.

My mum died at the weekend. She & Dad were together since the 1960s.

All we care about is that he does whatever makes life less shit for him.

I do think it would be advantageous to have some sort of socially accepted visual signal of mourning. Not a ridged rule that must be followed, just something that people could adopt if they needed because they were feeling fragile and being out in the world felt harsh. After my mother died, just going to buy groceries or doing the school run felt like I was walking around in a fog while the rest of the world was oblivious. I wanted to scream and shout that the woman who loved and protected me was gone. I wanted people to know, even though I knew intellectually, that my grief did not matter to anyone but myself. I found myself wondering if mourning clothing and all those rules were perhaps a way of protecting the grieving and a way of allowing them to make their grief quietly public. It should be a balance point though. No one should feel trapped by symbolism and that is why the old rules don’t work.

sorry youre ging through this-i say do what you want to do

my mum was jewish so i had to follow that and it was awful sitting around all week having people over i just wanted to go to bed and cry

I'm also a widow and I'm not aware of anyone following what seems now like outdated rules. That said, I think there are social kindnesses such as letting you have time off work, and support from friends, which are invaluable in that early grieving period.

I am sorry OP.
No one will judge you if you carry on your normal routine.
My brother died 9 weeks ago and I find it very hard to function with jollity. I took 3 weeks off work (unpaid). I didn't want to go on long lunches which is part of my job. I did have to put a post up on a business forum saying I was on bereavement leave because I had quite a lot of calls. One person even wished me a lovely weekend!
Don't forget Cruse is there if you need it.

I mean do whatever you like, it's obviously going to be very difficult so do whatever you feel is best for you. I've never known anyone have a period of mourning even elderly reles, this isn't a thing, not in normal English culture today. A lot of people don't even wear black to funerals now, I went to my husband's grans recently and many were wearing bright colours (including her children), I don't think she said don't wear black, people just wore what they liked.

There are no special rules these days.

You grieve and process things in the way that suits you. That is all.

I personally think that getting out and about again and easing yourself back into normality is very important for many people. It's what keeps them feeling human and sane. I know it is what I found after my Dad died two years ago.

I am very sorry you are going through this, and I wish you well.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. In answer to your question, you do whatever please. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Take things one day at a time and deal with things as they come x

Yes this!! Thank you @Ponderingwindow you said it so much more poignantly than me.

I couldn’t quite believe it when the world carried on and winter starting turning into spring - but without my DH - that’s really how it is in the early days. Yet despite such overwhelming states of mind I still had to navigate the normal day to day reality, at least enough to get my children fed

You do whatever gets you by. Whatever distracts you for 5 minutes and gives you some comfort. Some days you will feel you are coping. Other days can knock you sideways. Do what's necessary and don't put pressure on yourself to do everything. So sorry you are having to go through this.

Also it’s just so exhausting. On every level. That needs better awareness beforehand - for ourselves and those around us.

In the early weeks the only respite I had was the time asleep (not a lot) and then a few moments when I first woke up before I remembered.

It’s not common knowledge but it should be. I had so much more birth preparation. But death isn’t any less common, obviously

All of those things sound important for grieving and healing - if that’s what gets you through.

Do whatever your gut tells you in the moment.

In my experience grief comes in waves - some big and intense that take you right under with brief periods where your head might get above water when being with others brings comfort.

I am sorry for your situation. Take it easy, hour by hour, day by day.

There is no set answer for this. In my mind make sure you have a good cry and have a group of people you can confide in and talk through if you think this is something that will help you. Grief will come in waves and I don’t think you will ever get over it, you just get better at coping and dealing with it. My husband lost both his parents and there is always certain events as you would expect that upset him like birthdays, mothers days, Christmas etc but also seeing his dads favourite cricket team do well or eating a particular brand of chocolates that his mother treated herself to at Christmas.
Culturally for his side of the family there is a 40 day period of grief where people bring around food and help with childcare and cleaning so you can focus on your emotions.
my suggestion would be to make sure you have someone to confide in and if need be think about counselling.
Be kind to yourself 💐

Just 'do you'.
Grief is different for everyone, we cope in our own way.

Don't overthink this part. Be 'selfish', you need to put yourself first, whether that be a film, haircut or return to work. There are no rules.

I'm in the same position as you, OP. When the time comes I will go whatever it takes to get through it. It hasn't occurred to me that anything might be expected. When my parents died we just got on with whatever had to be done & accepted social invitations if we felt like it.
Thinking of you OP. It's a hard path to tread.