To think no one goes into mourning now

[NotYetButSoon]

My DH is dying and I'm trying to get things prepared while I'm still coping mentally. Are there any rules/expectations regarding mourning these days, or does no one really bother with it?

I mean, I'm not going to go out clubbing in a luminous pink mini skirt the day after his funeral or anything, but are there more subtle expectations I'm not aware of?

For example, is it socially acceptable for a grieving widow to: go out shopping for non-essential items, visit friends in their house, go to a cafe with a friend, go to my book club at the library, go for a quiet drink with mates in the pub, go to the cinema with family, drive up to visit my family for a week? Should I wear dark clothes all the time, and how soon is it reasonable to wear brighter colours? If mourning still exists, how long should it last? Just until after the funeral? 3 months? 6 months? In Victorian times it was a year for a husband.

Obviously, I can do what I like, but I don't want people thinking I'm not respecting his memory.

What are your thoughts?

YABU= It's expected to observe a mourning period
YANBU= No one cares

There are no formal expectations, you do what helps you when the time comes.

In fact, I think it’s more common for people to try and help by gently suggesting that you do nice things/spend time with friends/family, than to expect you to wear dark clothes and stay at home(though of course, both options are fine).

Whatever you choose to do, please don’t worry about what people think. Nobody worth caring about will judge how you grieve.

I’m so sorry you are having to think about this .

You do what gets you through.
I've gone to the beach, shopping, and out for coffee, in the days immediately following close personal bereavements. No-one is going to spit at you in the street for not having black curtains drawn in your house all day.
It's tough enough; I'm so sorry to hear of your situation.

So sorry you are facing this

Do whatever you feel you need to

Has your DH given you any direction regarding his funeral? Just so that will be one less thing to have to think about when the time come

Im very sorry for the situation your family is in.
I’ve been through a mourning period as a child, and I think it has its place. It was something like this:

The first 9 days:
Wear black
Visit grave daily (rituals there, I remember pouring wine on the grave, fresh flowers, burning candles)
Stay home; no music or TV on

The first 40 days (after the original 9):
No black clothes, but subdued wear
Visit grave daily or every few days, same rituals
Going out allowed, but not parties and big celebrations
Music and TV allowed

After the 40 days and up to 1 year:
Parties etc allowed, life returns to normal
Weekly visits to grave, same rituals

Have you listened to the podcast Widowed AF? There's all the advice you will need and join the group on FB.

@7Worfs that's really interesting.
Where was this? In the UK? Rough region/area? Is it related to a particular faith?

It's not something I've ever heard of.

Struck by first 9 days visit the grave because in modern UK it's fairly rare to have a very speedy burial.

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about your husband.

Grieve in the way that suits you. Sod everyone else's expectations. Just because you go out for a coffee doesn't mean you're not grieving, and if anyone saw you they would probably think you wanted to talk to a friend/have a change of scenery/keep busy...and if they don't, are they really the kind of people you want to keep in touch with anyway?

European country, Christian Orthodox faith.

I should have said, the rituals started from funeral onward, prior to it it’s pretty much like the first 9 days, but very hectic with the logistics of death. I was 8 years old then, it was 30-odd years ago.

Personally I think us (Orthodox Christians) are a bit… over the top with death, and Westerners a little too light with it. Both ways have merits.

A colleague of mine was widowed while on maternity leave. While I didn't think badly of her or anything I was slightly confused how on Friday she was posting instagran stories about going to dinner and movies and then on Saturday pictures of the funeral and then Sunday pictures of aoftplay with friends and kids. She deserves to fo whatever the fuck she wants but I did pay attention when she was so active on social media with everything she's been upto.

There is no expectation and you shouldn't care what others think. But if you do then not posting social media "best day with the girls" day after the funeral. Only thing I've heard judgement about is how quickly people start dating (usually men who get out there within weeks) but who cares about others.

I am so sorry you and DH are facing this, OP.

After he dies, you need to follow your instincts. Your energy levels may have a lot to do with what feels right. No one worthy of a moment’s thought will judge you.

However one advantage to living within a culture that observes mourning is that it acknowledges the need for the time, space and support to heal. I think it’s too bad we’ve lost that — eg in many jobs people are supposed to back at work with few concessions very shortly after losing a partner or child. It isn’t humane.

If imposing a bit more structure on the mourning process would help you create some useful time and space — this doesn’t seem like your perspective, but it is a possibility — then go for it.

Very best wishes

Op, honestly, do whatever you damn well like. Fuck anyone who judges you for not grieving or mourning right. The people that count know how much you love him and they'll know how heartbroken you are. Screw the rest who judge

Do what helps you. Not going to lie but if you go out clubbing the night after then yes people will judge. But they'll probably also be concerned.

Oh poor woman!

The only right way to grieve is your way. I lost my Dad in January, he had cancer and yet his death still knocked me sideways. It was the "nothingness" that I found hard, no hospice to rush to, no shopping to get, no calls to make. That part really shocked me and I just didn't know what to do with myself.

We were invited to a wedding last weekend, but I just didn't feel up to joining in celebrating. Some days i feel OK, some days I feel overwhelmed and can't stop crying. I do wish that some days I could wear head to foot black and be mourning but I don't think there is just an etiquette these days.

Those who matter, don’t mind.
Those who mind, don’t matter.

Give yourself grace OP. 💐

Between my Mums death and her funeral, my daughter (who loved !y Mum very very much) went on holiday with her partner, came back for the funeral, then back to the holiday. Within a week of Mums funeral, I went abroad, on holiday, for four weeks.

As far as I know, no one batted an eye lid. Sure, both my daughter and I took out grief with us on holiday (how could we not?) But where we chose to grieve, and what we did while grieving, was no one's business.

Do whatever eases your pain, or takes your mind away from your grief, even for a minute or two.

Oh gosh I am so sorry OP. I think it's a really interesting thought though.

We definitely don't tend to officially observe mourning these days. When my mum died, my mourning/grief looked like getting back to work after 2 weeks, wanting to be normal but feeling so numb for the first few months I was worried I didn't actually feel anything other than relief.

Although I was functioning normally to the outside world, I had barely any energy at home and wasn't socialising - and then the anger came. My relationship with my father changed and I don't think things really started to hit me until about 7 months on.

It took about a year for me to stabilise I think. But we are all individual.

Ultimately - you do you, whatever you need. If you want to dress and act like a victorian you do that! If you want to go clubbing, do that as well - whatever gets you through and I'm wishing you strength

The good thing about a codified system of mourning, particularly in dress, was the clear signal it sent to others - strangers especially - that ‘this person is bereaved’, allowing them to adjust their expectations and behaviour accordingly.

My DH is also terminal, although there is still a tiny chance of a transplant I'm desperately holding on hope for.

Do what you need to do for your own mental health. Don't pay attention to what anyone else thinks - they are not the ones going through this.

Self care is going to be so important in keeping yourself sane, never feel guilty for doing things that make you happy. I'm sure he wouldn't want you to spend a year moping around for other peoples benefit either.

You do what's best for you. Nobody gets to tell you how you should mourn. For many people carrying on as normal is how they deal with grief, others might lie in bed for weeks, there are no rules.

I lost my dad after a long battle with dementia and oh god the nothing comment hit me hard. It is so true.

Going from multiple calls to the care home/hospital, visiting after work, chasing up different departments etc. To suddenly nothing was such a strange feeling.

I personally wore black/white/grey/navy for the period between his death and the funeral. I just didn't feel comfortable in colours, I felt like they were happy when I was anything but happy. After the funeral I gradually started wearing colours again.

But even now 4 years later the pain sometimes knocks me for 6 and I just want to wallow in a hole.

I’m sorry.

What people (the people that matter, at least) will care about is how you are and how you are managing. They won’t care how you go about coping and getting through such an awful time.

You just do what you feel is right.

In a way, it sad we have no mourning traditions anymore because the worst part is that no one knows what to do. No one knows what to say. And the world just goes on as normal, but yours has changed forever.

In other cultures everyone knows exactly what is expected of the widow/er and the community around them and that helps.

You need to do whatever gets you through the grief, and if that is sitting in the pub with friends wearing bright yellow and laughing, then anyone who judges you for that is a dick that should be ignored.

Unless you belong to a religious group or the monarchy, there aren't really societal rules and structures about mourning periods these days

I'm so sorry about your husband

When my Mum was widowed (and my Dad passed), she went out with her friends within a few weeks. They all really rallied for her and kept her busy. Not wild nights, pulling men etc. But a few drinks and a laugh. She in turn did the same when 2 of those friends were also widowed a few years later. It really helped the mourning process I think for all of them.

When my Dad passed, I had to carry on as normal as I had 3 kids. I felt like there was no grieving time at all tbh. Straight back into taking the kids to school, kids parties, work to keep the family afloat.