To think no one goes into mourning now

[NotYetButSoon]

My DH is dying and I'm trying to get things prepared while I'm still coping mentally. Are there any rules/expectations regarding mourning these days, or does no one really bother with it?

I mean, I'm not going to go out clubbing in a luminous pink mini skirt the day after his funeral or anything, but are there more subtle expectations I'm not aware of?

For example, is it socially acceptable for a grieving widow to: go out shopping for non-essential items, visit friends in their house, go to a cafe with a friend, go to my book club at the library, go for a quiet drink with mates in the pub, go to the cinema with family, drive up to visit my family for a week? Should I wear dark clothes all the time, and how soon is it reasonable to wear brighter colours? If mourning still exists, how long should it last? Just until after the funeral? 3 months? 6 months? In Victorian times it was a year for a husband.

Obviously, I can do what I like, but I don't want people thinking I'm not respecting his memory.

What are your thoughts?

YABU= It's expected to observe a mourning period
YANBU= No one cares

I empathise, I went through this with late DH.
Do everything you feel like doing, don't worry about other people.
I wore black top clothes for the funeral as expected, but also because I wanted to.

This is what my mum did too - bought a round the world ticket and went to Japan new Zealand Australia and USA. That two month break really helped her to adjust to life without my dad after 40 something years of marriage

I certainly won't be visiting his grave every day! He will be cremated and then we'll scatter his ashes in a place used for other family members. Interesting point about not playing music or TV, do others think that's usually 'not done' at least until after the funeral?

Sorry posted too soon. I am so sorry you are facing this. Rest assured that the only right way to do things is whatever is right for you.

In my own most intense mourning experience their were only a few people I could stand being with during the early weeks. We would have gone bonkers without both music and television.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. In my experience the opposite is expected. It felt like there was a rush to get over my grief and move on.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. The first year of grieving is mind numbingly difficult jydt do whatever helps you feel a moment of joy. It doesn't get easier but you build a new routine and learn to manage your feelings a bit better. I hope you have a lot of support and I wish you all the very best ❤️

A lot of those examples are surely needed to help you get through it? Locking yourself away all in black is not going to help you.

There must also be differences in when you know the loss is coming or not. If you know it's coming a lot of the mourning may have happened in the lead up to it? I know of someone who just nursed his wife through motor neurone disease, as soon as she died he sold the house and is holidaying and very much out and enjoying life- but this man took early retirement to nurse her and was nothing but loving and compassionate. I would be shocked if anyone was judging him the last few years have been hell for him.

You are facing a very difficult and terrible thing. Don't stress on what others might think it's not them going through it. I'm sorry you are going through it xx

I think it might have been a 2 year mourning period for a widow but 1 year for a widower in past times?? Need to have a look.

First of all I’m really very sorry OP. My DH died very suddenly (heart failure) but the friend that helped me the most (ie didn’t give up on me, invited me round every couple of weeks) lost her husband after an illness.

As regards mourning rituals I can honestly say that some of them would have really helped me. A veil, for instance. I felt so exposed and vulnerable at his funeral - yet had ‘a job to do’ and my children were young at the time.

Arm band. My DF is Irish but I grew up in the uk. After my DH’s death I can understand the value of an unspoken indication of bereavement. You really are vulnerable for a good amount of time, but can’t hide at home!! That doesn’t mean you want to talk about it, necessarily, but you actually do need to be treated differently for a while. Not patronised, obviously. Your mind doesn’t work as usual, you’re very raw and vulnerable and the world seems brusque. That was my experience at least.

Yet being around people is important, and there’s nothing like a bit of meaningless banter to make a bereaved person still feel part of humanity. So although I don’t believe in empty rituals, I gained a whole new understanding about the purpose of the armband after my DH died. If it makes people feel ok and normal and confident about how to treat a bereaved person without a word spoken - well surely that has to be better than people (who do know the gossip) crossing the road to avoid you.

Of course rituals shouldn’t restrict or tie. There’s a madness in grief - you just can’t predict. Yet - there’s also wisdom in the maxims about grief precisely for this reason. Like not making big decisions for at least a year. Some can’t be put off, obviously, but otherwise it is wise advice.

Those are the main ones that come to mind but I’ll let you know if I remember any more

you do your grieving as best suits you

i used to walk the streets every morning at 5am
do admin a little each day to pass the time
went on holiday for a week with family

there aren’t set rules & sadly grief is a lonely place.

You do whatever you need to do to get through it.

I couldn’t listen to music because every song seems to hold a memory or meaning.
I couldn’t read as my concentration level was poor.
I drank tea with friends and cleaned a fair bit. Then I immersed myself into work ( not the best plan tbh).

Even though i respect what this persons family did i can't think of anything worse following a bereavement.
I lost my beloved dad a few years ago and for me and my family there was no 'normal' we came together in the family home a lot more but equally we did regular things like cinema , meals ,seeing friends .
Grief is still there whether alone behind closed curtains whilst wearing black or sat with a gin with friends that care about you.
Do what feels right for you , i'm so sorry.

Lack of music & TV seems to me to have a religious connection, or a very out-dated view of what is "proper".
Play what helps you. "Our Tunes" can be either good or bad, only you will know which.

I’m so sorry OP 💐

I personally think there is a place for a mourning period - and based on a close family member passing last summer (terminal cancer - expected death) it still took 5 weeks before he was buried, and so I classed the time between his death and the funeral as “mourning”. I mean life continued as normal - work, shopping, lunch dates etc, but there was also this underlying focus of arranging death certificate and funeral etc. and just coming to terms with that sudden void of not having him call you up needing xyz, and just allowing ourselves to grieve a little.

do what suits you though. Wear what you fancy. Go where you want, don’t let people judge you

Unfortunately people expect you to be fine after a week weeks these days.
Do whatever you want, its your grief and your husband no one elses.

I wish you all the best at this awful time.

No one cares.

Although you may get a few ‘oh she’s so brave to be going out at a time like this, she must be crying inside’ type comments.

Do whatever you want to do or need to do to get through it.

You may find that you will be fine now and then it’ll hit you a few months later where you want to hide away for a few days or mope about crying a lot, which is absolutely fine.

There is no right way to mourn.
Even if you have strict traditional rules for grief you still can’t control it.

I was halfway through a canal boat holiday with my children when my mum died. We carried on with the holiday as there wasn’t much I could do for those first 2 or three days. I also went on my pre-booked holiday the day after her funeral. TBF, I didn’t mention my mum’s death while on holiday and I didn’t post any holiday snaps on FB for either holiday. I wouldn’t have chosen to book either of those holidays if I had known my mum was going to die, but I couldn’t really see the point in cancelling them. If anything, having to carry on for the sake of the kids made it all a bit easier to bear.

You do what feels right for you. My brother died in Iraq. I had to get on with things, just to be able to pay my bills. When my MIL died, my boss was horrified I took time off after the funeral as we had to clear her council house that week.

The most difficult thing I've found is people expecting you to be back to normal so soon. I was really struggling a couple months after I lost mum as it was coming up to our birthdays and I got asked if I might be depressed as it had been a while now. I was like nope, grieving not depressed. I did an NHS bereavement support online course and that was really helpful in acknowledging the difference too.

In some cultures, mourning is still very prescribed. If you’re talking about general secular UK culture, then I don’t think there’s any social expectations at all in this regard. I think you will find many people are very uncomfortable talking about death and there may be some unspoken pressure to “bounce back” or be happy long before you feel ready. I think you need to find the people who will be supportive. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. What matters is you grieving in your own way.

People do judge, but probably not people who matter.

my DH went back to work almost immediately after his son died…. He’d had terminal cancer. A lot of the grieving had happened before…and work helped him. I know people who judged that.

the family afterwards clung together, day trips to the beach.

I think there is a place for some kind of mourning and I think it’s sad there aren’t more markers in our society for it for those who would find it helpful.

but seriously just do whatever you need to.

Do what you can, when you can. I struggled to go out for a meal with my husband when I lost my father. We needed to eat, but going out felt too fun. Would I judge anyone else going out? Absolutely not. But it wasn’t right for me.

I am so sorry you’re going through this.
There are no rules, you do whatever feels right for you. Look after yourself and reach out for support from family, friends or support groups.
If your DH has hospice support remember they are there to support you too, for as long as you need them.

If you want to play music and watch tv after you do that. Do whatever gets you through. There are no rules.
When you know someone’s dying you start to grieve before they have passed. Especially if much of the person they were has already gone.
Do what makes you happy and brings you joy. The person who died wouldn’t want you to live in sadness for any period. They would want you to be happy

Unless from a very specific, strict culture, which you aren't, then there aren't any social rules on mourning any more. My parents and their friends are very proper but carry on socialising if they feel like it, albeit feeling a bit sad. One of the biggest shocks is the loneliness, so shutting yourself away is the worst thing to do.