To think no one goes into mourning now

[NotYetButSoon]

My DH is dying and I'm trying to get things prepared while I'm still coping mentally. Are there any rules/expectations regarding mourning these days, or does no one really bother with it?

I mean, I'm not going to go out clubbing in a luminous pink mini skirt the day after his funeral or anything, but are there more subtle expectations I'm not aware of?

For example, is it socially acceptable for a grieving widow to: go out shopping for non-essential items, visit friends in their house, go to a cafe with a friend, go to my book club at the library, go for a quiet drink with mates in the pub, go to the cinema with family, drive up to visit my family for a week? Should I wear dark clothes all the time, and how soon is it reasonable to wear brighter colours? If mourning still exists, how long should it last? Just until after the funeral? 3 months? 6 months? In Victorian times it was a year for a husband.

Obviously, I can do what I like, but I don't want people thinking I'm not respecting his memory.

What are your thoughts?

YABU= It's expected to observe a mourning period
YANBU= No one cares

Interesting about 40 days in your DH’s culture @DomPom47

I think there is something about the 40 days after a birth or death that we’d do well to observe.

It’s a time period established by many cultures that haven’t had contact with each other - maybe they’re onto something??

For example, is it socially acceptable for a grieving widow to: go out shopping for non-essential items, visit friends in their house, go to a cafe with a friend, go to my book club at the library, go for a quiet drink with mates in the pub, go to the cinema with family, drive up to visit my family for a week?

Of course it’s socially acceptable.

We didnt even wear black to MILs funeral never mine FIL wearing black for so many weeks after.

You just do what it takes to get through but anyone who has expectations of someone else mourning is in the minority and fucked up.

You do whatever you need to do to get you through.
You wear whatever makes you comfortable
I lost my husband. I was quite young, 40. For me it felt odd being out as I had lost the role of carer and that took a good while to adjust

Thank you all so much for your helpful and supportive responses xx

In my experience of people, SOMEONE will make a stupid comment. For no apparent reason, some people feel it’s their job to have an opinion on everything. So even if youre in official mourning and playing by the “rules”, there will be some tit who decided because you wore make up or were laughing with a friend, youre not as sad as “they would be”.

Sorry didn’t answer your question did it…No point to my post other than, I guess, to say let it be water off a duck’s back. Much better than to let it bother you.

this goes for every situation in life actually where someone offers an unsolicited judgement

best wishes for this time

Do what YOU feel is right, and YOU alone, take it at a pace that YOU are comfortable with 👍

I have been where you are and I'm so sorry you are there too. My DH died of cancer in 2019.

I agree with all of those who say you should just do what feels right for you. The day after DH died I went for a long walk on Dartmoor (I live there) with my DSis and my DDs and we looked at the new foals and got some sunshine and fresh air.

I do a hobby which involves performing as part of a group. We do very frequent events. During DH's final days and afterwards I wasn't going to events or performing. But about 2 weeks after DH died we had an event at a place I always love, it was sunny and I really wanted to go and take my mind off doing death admin/funeral stuff. I went and the group welcomed me warmly and were really happy to have me back. It was lovely and I didn't feel at all guilty for going out.

DH definitely wasn't a person who believed in sitting around wearing black. He would (and he expressed this firmly) have wanted me and DDs to do anything that made us happy.

Sending you lots of love.

As a lot of people have said, do what you feel comfortable with. I live in jeans so for my mother’s funeral, I wore my jeans with a smart blouse and jacket, and a nice pair of boots. She would not have approved (which was part of the appeal).

For a friend’s dad’s funeral a few weeks later, we were instructed not to wear black but to wear bright colours (he was an avid gardener and loved colourful flowers).

As for going out, go with how you feel. If you want company go to your book club, have drinks with friends and all the rest. If you want to be by yourself, do that too, but don’t hide away from people.

Been there, do what you feel like. It affects each of us differently. Whatever you do people will try to get you to do the opposite.

There are things that happen after death, it’s a free for all. You don’t have to engage with people you don’t like anymore.

Im sorry you’re having to go through this too.

Other than in very orthodox religious groups I think the rule is that you do what feels necessary to you in order to keep going and allow yourself to process your loss. I reacted very differently to my husband's death (we were separated and divorcing, it was not amicable) than to my mother's (we celebrated her life, talked about her a lot, listened to music she liked etc.). It's a very individual thing.

My fiancé passed away 7 years ago and for the first week I barely remember but I pretty much stayed in the house. Then I had to get out and I did normal things with the kids. It was hard. I sat and sometimes just cried. I didn’t care who was looking because it was something I couldn’t help. Don’t listen to anyone at all. Cry if you need too, or don’t cry. There is no right or wrong. I had very bad days and days where everything seemed ok. As much as it is painful you just go on living. Do what you need to do whenever you are ready. I needed to be around ppl so I went to shops, cafes, libraries pretty much after he died.

Agree that you don’t need to observe formal rules but you might feel like wearing black or dark colors, not socializing as much — up to you. In the US it was traditional to put a black ribbon on the front door. I think that’s a good way to let people know what’s happening.

Just do what feels ok for you 💐

I am so sorry for the hurt you are going through. In response to what you've asked the simple answer is no one really has any expectation that you will 'go into mourning'and that's a good thing. The flip side to that is a year or two down the line some people do expect you to be getting on with your life and not 'breaking down' eg weeping because it hurts.
I think there are 2 important messages to take on board.
We are all different. The way a person grieves is not related to how much that person meant you. Some people just cope better.
Secondly it's OK (and normal) to feel more than one emotion at once. You might laugh with a friend, be excited about a holiday, enjoy simply relaxing in your garden or going for a walk....but you might also be feeling an acute sense of loss. This will hit you most when you're enjoying sonething and for a short moment you'll forget and think 'I can't wait to share this with X' then it will hit you again.
You do you. If your OH is ill lm guessing you've already started that process of saying goodbye.
Here's a line I used when folk asked if I'm OK...'No, not really, but I know I shall be'...and you will x

When my father died, I only felt like wearing dark, sombre clothes (not my normal style) for about a year afterwards. So that's what I did. The idea of traditional "mourning clothes" made sense to me after that, because it was what I'd naturally felt like wearing.

When my friend's father died, she went out and bought some quite wild prints and wore them over the next few months (also not her normal style). It looked like it might be some kind of life-affirming thing, although I didn't question her about it.

Both of these are ways of grieving. You will find your own way of grieving which is right for you.

As everyone has said NotYetButSoon, you do whatever feels right for you. Nobody will judge you, and, in my experience, everyone is hugely supportive when they know you’re grieving, so don't be shy of asking for help - most people would feel honoured to help, even if it’s just sitting with you in silence for a while, or making a meal….

So sorry you’re facing this

I never realised grieving was a trend

There are no rules at all but when my mum died I found the idea of wearing black for a year really helpful. It somehow gave it the weight it needed in my life. A rule to be followed, something that kept it foremost in my mind. I lasted about 6 months before naturally coming out of it. It is an outdated thing, but it was very useful to me

Just stop, She’s watching her dh die and those of us who’ve done that know it’s not a time for having a dig.

Shes trying to prepare herself.

I’m sorry what a horrible situation. There are no rules, do what feels right for you. When I was growing up people would close their curtains for a few days when someone died, you knew someone had died if they stayed closed all day. Now no-one seems to do that, or wear black or have any rules. Just do what you feel up to, seeing friends and getting out of the house will help I’m sure

I'm so sorry that you are facing this - my Mum is terminally ill and I wouldn't wish witnessing this long, excruciatingly painful and drawn-out process on my worst enemy. I wish you strength and peace in the time ahead.

Right now for my answer - I haven't got one! For once, I don't think I can press the voting button because there IS not wrong or right answer. The only 'wrong' thing that you could do is something that just doesn't sit right with you, but that are finding yourself doing because 'it's expected' of you. You are the one who's having to cope with this, and you are the one who's got carry on after this and rebuild a life without your DH by your side. Nobody but nobody should or would judge you for going through that process in your own way, your own time and on your own terms.

I can’t quite believe what I’ve just read tbh. I’ve been in mourning for my husband who passed at age 38 years for 5 years. But my mourning looks like this: the day after my kids got up and went to school (their choice) 4’days later my lad competed in his sport, a week later I got a tattoo, 6 weeks later we went on our holidays. I could go on but my point is you don’t have to show the world that you are mourning with some symbolic shit like wearing black clothes or keeping the curtains closed unless you want to. The people close to will know you are mourning.

@NotYetButSoon < do whatever feels right for you. This may change from day to day or even minute to minute at the beginning. Whatever you choose to do is completely ok and fuck what anyone else thinks.

💐

Just do what you need to do to get through the day. I don't think it's healthy to sit and brood. Nor do I think it's healthy to ignore your grief. If book club and seeing friends helps, then do it. I think it's better to be around people than home alone.

Wear what you like. No one normal will give a second thought to what you're wearing unless you turn up in a feather boa and thigh high boots (unless that's your usual uniform of course).

Sorry you're going through a shit time.

Your feelings are not wrong. Do what YOU need to in order to get through the day. Don't focus on outside opinion. Decent people won't be judging.

People that mind don't matter and people that matter don't mind.

I'm grieving my SIL right now and that's my approach.