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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 12:59

@viques It appears that the daughter wants a doss house after a night on the town, and presumably doesn't want to drive back to her mum's place (because she'd be over the limit) and maybe her mum is not tolerant of her coming in late.

Coralsunset · 29/05/2023 13:00

MinxieMax · 29/05/2023 12:58

I'm sorry to say it, but threads like this should not exist. They give women a bad rep, as it paints a picture of a woman so enthralled by a man that they will sacrifice not only their own well being, but that of their child/ren in order to be with said man on HIS terms.

I totally agree. It makes me sad and angry in equal measure.

viques · 29/05/2023 13:01

And don’t do any sort of legal agreement with him, it is your house, you own it. If he wants to chip in with a donation to utility bills and food bills because everyone needs to eat, wash and be warm then fair enough. Remember you will lose your single person council tax discount too, so he can reimburse you for that in cash. No need for legal complications at this stage of the game.

AlisonDonut · 29/05/2023 13:01

Good lord what have I just read?

OP if you are genuine you'd have to be out of your fucking mind to let him move in.

LadyShimura · 29/05/2023 13:02

Ask how your DC feels about their stepsister using their room as a crash pad, potentially puking all over the place after a night out and fucking randoms in their bed.

If you or your partner wouldnt like it, then a teenager should be expected to put up with it either.

neilyoungismyhero · 29/05/2023 13:02

Littlethingsmeanalot · 29/05/2023 12:23

Lol this thread is like pulling teeth. 😂

so she’s lived with her dad, he’s decided to move in with you, she’s had to move in with her mum, and she wants to stay wit her dad, in his home, every other weekend,

so you need to decide, is it his home and can he treat it as such, or is it your home and he’s a paying guest,

From what the OP said he's moving in with her because his daughter's lifestyle and behaviour are far too much for him to cope with. He's not kicking his offspring out to go and live with his girlfriend, in fact he was supporting her purchasing a property wasn't he? She's in her 20s she's not a child, she needs to take some responsibility for her future for goodness sake.

Unicorntearsofgin · 29/05/2023 13:02

OP its your place not your partners. You are perfectly entitled to say that it isn’t fair to your son.

viques · 29/05/2023 13:03

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 12:59

@viques It appears that the daughter wants a doss house after a night on the town, and presumably doesn't want to drive back to her mum's place (because she'd be over the limit) and maybe her mum is not tolerant of her coming in late.

Oh, I misread, I thought it was being promoted as a bonding time for him and the dd. In that case no, she can do what everyone else does, pay for an Uber to get home and try not to throw up in it.

Famzonhol · 29/05/2023 13:03

He doesn’t sound in a position to set up home with you. Too much going on in his own life just now. Give it a year or two.

continentallentil · 29/05/2023 13:04

Under these circumstances OP you need to put a stop to your partner moving in. He clearly cannot manage his daughter / or she is unmanageable right now.

So no staying till she has sorted her life out, and then rarely. If he's not happy with that then - no.

I don't know what a co-hab agreement is but don't agree to anything that let's him decide how the house is run. Once you've lived together a year or two and want to make it permanent then that's different.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 13:05

He sounds weak and pathetic.

OP you can do better than this.

Do you always choose the wrong men? Seriously, and kindly, you had a bad divorce and now it looks as if you are setting yourself up for another dose of misery.

Clymene · 29/05/2023 13:05

Can I just clarify something?

Is this:

DSD lived with dad. He is moving out as he could not cope with her any more. She was making his life very stressful to the point where it thought he was going to have a breakdown. Not paying her way, strangers in the house all the time. Smoking in the house, going through his things. Asking for money constantly. Refusing to be clean and tidy to the point of filth. Lying around in bed all day. Calling him for lifts early hours of the morning in the weekends. Drama. Constant drama.

the person who your partner wants to have stay in your child's bedroom every other weekend?

L0bstersLass · 29/05/2023 13:05

Obviously she can't move into your son's room every other weekend.

Why can't she just move into her mum's and see her dad when they both feel like it?
As she's only 5 miles awat she clearly doesn't need to stay over.
Unless there's another complicating factor meaning that her mum is expecting her to move out every other weekend? Is that the case @Sampron20?

swayingpalmtree · 29/05/2023 13:06

So, I'm guessing the money he gave her for a deposit on a flat has been frittered away? as its mysteriously disappeared and she has no flat. If he can give her a lump sum for a flat, why cant you both buy a larger place together?- or does he have no money left? this just gets worse and worse.

I agree with PP, rarely do I read threads on here that make my jaw drop but this one does. This shouldnt even be a question on here- it blows my mind that you are even thinking about this. WTF is wrong with you??

RandomMess · 29/05/2023 13:06

Offer her Sunday nights once a month by agreement on the sofa to fit in with other visitors and plans you have.

At least she will have to get up for work!

realityhack · 29/05/2023 13:06

Clymene · 29/05/2023 13:05

Can I just clarify something?

Is this:

DSD lived with dad. He is moving out as he could not cope with her any more. She was making his life very stressful to the point where it thought he was going to have a breakdown. Not paying her way, strangers in the house all the time. Smoking in the house, going through his things. Asking for money constantly. Refusing to be clean and tidy to the point of filth. Lying around in bed all day. Calling him for lifts early hours of the morning in the weekends. Drama. Constant drama.

the person who your partner wants to have stay in your child's bedroom every other weekend?

Yes.

Whiteroomjoy · 29/05/2023 13:07

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:36

Early 20's

Show quote history

Where does she stay currently when DP not at your house? Does your Sd regularly stay with her father every other weekend currently at his place? If so does she have her own room with him? If so, you’re both being silly and doesn’t matter how,old she is, you should have sorted this out and bought somewhere togther, or phased it in when we was able to live independently for both her own mum and dad
if she doesn’t stay with him currently, she and him are dicks. Just say no .

TeeBee · 29/05/2023 13:07

Just give him a flat no then. You don't have the space and you want the drama. If he doesn't like that, he lives elsewhere. Simple. Sounds like a bloody nightmare.

FOJN · 29/05/2023 13:07

cordelia16 · 29/05/2023 12:44

OP is only replying to the safe posts.

Based on MN experience, what will happen is that OP will still allow the guy to move in this weekend, the guy's daughter will crash there EOW (or more) in her son's room, bringing her awful habits with her. Her son may become extremely angry with her and may lash out or want to live at his Dad's full time.

OP will then start a post in 1-2 months bemoaning how much she hates her life.

I rarely get invested enough to feel anger, but I do here. So I'm out. Best of luck to you, OP.

This is exactly what will happen.

The partner can't even enforce boundaries in his own home and has backtracked on his daughter staying so there is no way he will back the OP up when his daughter breaks house rules, which he expects OP to enforce, so it will be two against one in her own home with a disrespectful slob making her own child feel like a lodger.

Why, just why would OP agree to this?

CannotDoThisAnymore · 29/05/2023 13:07

Getting him out of your house in 6 months time when things have gone to shit will be so so difficult.

also, what about when you want to go on holiday and the dear daughter is staying over yours for two weeks, using your bed, mates over etc…. I just feel for you op and you probably don’t want to be the bad person here - has he handed in his notice on the rental? I expect he cannot get that back/a new one will cost him more money etc. but save yourself from this.

as others have said, there’s potential that your teen may just move out and the adult will take the spare room over. Is this really what you want??

Bluebells1970 · 29/05/2023 13:07

Op, are you this desperate to be in a relationship?

He's already walking all over your feelings - basically walking in and pissing everywhere to mark his turf. Only that turf is actually yours.... and you're letting him.

Nanny0gg · 29/05/2023 13:08

Iheartmysmart · 29/05/2023 12:59

Seldom have I ever wanted to shake a bit of sense into an OP more. Your poor son, having his bedroom taken over by a vile sounding woman every other weekend and a mother who is too bloody pathetic to do anything about it. Dear god!

^^This. With bells on.

@Sampron20 What the hell are you thinking?

Have you actually broached any of this with your son?

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 13:08

A title change might be in order here.

Rather than 'guest' (which implies something else) it ought to be

'Should I allow my partner's smoking, disruptive, adult daughter sleep in my teen's bedroom every other weekend?'

bjrce · 29/05/2023 13:09

If this thread is for real

Don't for the love of God let this weak willed excuse of a Dad thrust all his problems onto you.

Just because he can't deal with /say no to his waster/ freeloader of a daughter doesn't mean he can bring all his shit to your door. Guarantee she won't last any time in the mums house. She's just waiting for the dad to get in to your home and she'll follow suit. Best of all, none of them are paying any rent. FFS!
Do you see yourself as his saviour?

Do you really need a man that much?

Your poor child - he has no idea of the shit that is about to unfold in his life. HIs safe home is about to be opened up to a idiot and his scummy entitled drunken brat of a daughter.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

You are supposed to be looking out for you child. If you let this man into your home its going to be a disaster and you'll get it very hard to get rid of either of them.

Testina · 29/05/2023 13:09

@LadyShimura “Ask how your DC feels about their stepsister using their room as a crash pad”

Can we not call some skank adult daughter of a pathetic loser boyfriend a “stepsister”?

Although I completing agree with your post!

But people need to think twice about forcing “family” relationships onto their children who don’t need or benefit from them. Which tbf is also your point, letting this woman into the child’s room.

But I think OP needs to revisit letting this sneaky pathetic man into her child’s home too.