Guest every other weekend

[Sampron20]

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

The intention was it to be our home, I do not see him as a paying lodger.

So is he not paying rent, then?

I think you're crazy, tbh. Your EXH tried to bankrupt you. This one is trying to bring his drunk daughter to stay in your son's room.

Why are you doing this to yourself? Why would you want to connect your family to this man's, when he's bringing nothing but trouble to the party?

The "child" is an adult and it does sound, from having read the OP carefully, that this is going to cause inconvenience and stress.

Unless you are registering him as a joint owner on your home, he can't take you to the cleaners and almost bankrupt you. And to prevent that you get a Deed of Trust whereby you retain whatever percentage of the value of your house( when it is sold) that you put in .

If you have been together for years and he's been divorced all of that time, and he's given his DD a house deposit (which she appears to have wasted- no house bought) why have you not bought a house together?

Is he as bad with money as he is with managing his daughter?

Stop the moving in plans. The fact he is trying to pull a flanker like this at the last moment is a huge red flag. It’s suggests he is controlling at the very least. He’s hoping you’re going to agree as plans in place or if not he’ll back down and then do what he wants once he’s in. This is unlikely to be the only issue imo.

Given your problems with your Ex, and now this please do the Freedom Programme, if you have already do it again!

It is perfectly possible to have a great relationship without living together. I had for over fifteen years although we live together now. Just a thought.

Just out of interest Op,
What are you going to do ?

I agree. Poor DC having their personal space invaded by this skanky sounding adult woman.

I genuinely can't believe what I'm reading here.

Please put your DS above this other adult, who yo've admitted as much is a lazy person with zero drive to get their own place and has made her father'slife a misery. Said father doesn't get to foist her on to you. If he wants his daughter to stay over, he probably should have thought about that when you went looking for places to live and you chose a 2 bed rather than a 3 bed flat/apartment.

Then you need to say No. Not happening.

It's your son's room in your house.

I'd back out completely if I were you as he's likely to try and run roughshod over you.

What is wrong with you op?
How are you even entertaining this

Tell your "d"p that he wont be moving in

In no situation is this going to be one that has a happy ending if you do let him move in with you .

For the sake of your son;say no!

I would not let anyone else sleep in my kids room, you want to say over you sleep on the sofa xx

I agree with Cordelia, he shouldn't move in. But OP won't even consider that.
I will await your next thread . . .

She doesn’t get to stay overnight, no way. Your dp needs to be the one to tell his ADULT daughter that she can’t use YOUR house as a doss house.

It isn’t her house, never will be, she has no right to stay there and if she’s filthy, then no way do you want her staying over.

Why does your dp want her to, given he’s trying to get away from her because she nearly caused him to have a breakdown?!

he probably should have thought about that when you went looking for places to live and you chose a 2 bed rather than a 3 bed flat/apartment.

It is not a home they own together @LookItsMeAgain
He is moving into her home.

The thing is that you can see the problem now and he isn't even living with you. Far better to deal with it now rather than trying to manage it when he's moved in. It's easier to stop someone moving in than it is to tell someone to get out.

I also agree and the worst part is, the kid will probably get so fed up with it he'll end up living with his dad and then the OP will be saddled with sharing her home with a spinless man and his revolting daughter (because, after all, if her son has moved out, it makes sense for the daughter to move in permanently, right?) 🙄

No way would I allow this, your poor DC. Before you know it, SC will move in followed by a boyfriend.
what are you going to do then?
I would say no , it’s your child s personal space unless you want to give up your own bed and sleep in the floor

No. No no no no no.

And this is what he should be saying to her as well, not getting you to parent her for him. I would be mega pissed off.

Absolutely no way should anyone have access to your DS's space when he's out, esp not someone who behaves like she does, with no respect.

You sound a bit adrift OP on the legal side of this,.

It's not a co-hab agreement.

Have you actually seen a solicitor yet?
Because if you have, they would correct you on what the legal document is.

How does your son feel about your boyfriend moving in?

I can't call him your 'partner' as you are not living together and he doesn't own his own property.

Why not? Did his divorce leave him unable to find the money for a house of his own?

There is nothing to stop him meeting his DD for lunch, or a walk, or dinner. Or going to the cinema,or a theatre or a concert. Or even her coming to the house for a meal or just a cup of tea and a chat. There is absolutely no need for her to stay over.

If his current flat is a short term rental until she went to uni, where was he going to go after she went to uni? Was it always the plan to move in with you at that point? What would his DD have done in the holidays?

If it was always his plan to move in with you, is it possible you've been a bit naive and he was always going to expect his daughter to live with you in the holidays?

OP you are answering fact-based questions but you're not answering the most important one: why on earth are you entertaining this?

I'm sorry to say it, but threads like this should not exist. They give women a bad rep, as it paints a picture of a woman so enthralled by a man that they will sacrifice not only their own well being, but that of their child/ren in order to be with said man on HIS terms.

So he couldn't handle her and has moved out to save his mental health but now wants you to put things in place. He wants you to be the bad guy tgere is no way she should ever stay there and I'd be thinking twice about him

Well I'm glad you were sensible about getting legal paperwork to protect your house, now let me implore you to be sensible again Op. This man is half afraid of his own Daughter, he lets her behave appallingly and now wants you to take her on as a twice a month houseguest _ No, No No, don't do it Op. Tell him he can tell her it's never happening or he can turn around and leave, no maybe, no now and again, just No.
If you don't his DD will turn up drunk, try and bring boyfriends with her, smoke in your house and expect to be pandered to. As a pp said she'll be copying the keys so she can let herself in. And all the time it will be your job to stand up to her and chuck her out when you've had enough. Start as you mean to go on Op, so much easier than trying to back pedal later

@Sampron20 You wrote He is moving out as he could not cope with her any more. She was making his life very stressful to the point where it thought he was going to have a breakdown. Not paying her way, strangers in the house all the time. Smoking in the house, going through his things. Asking for money constantly. Refusing to be clean and tidy to the point of filth. Lying around in bed all day. Calling him for lifts early hours of the morning in the weekends. Drama. Constant drama.

1. Why are you even considering him moving in when he's bringing ^ this into your home?
2. What does YOUR child think? and when are you fitting a lock to their bedroom door to prevent your "D"Ps adult child from accessing their safe space?

He wouldn't be moving in with me. He's already proved he's a walkover (1. he's trying to move out without her; 2. where is all the money for the deposit? 3. it sounds like he's told her she can move in.)

No chance.

Tell him to find a bedsit to rent. He's not bringing all of her "Drama" to you and your childs home.

Seldom have I ever wanted to shake a bit of sense into an OP more. Your poor son, having his bedroom taken over by a vile sounding woman every other weekend and a mother who is too bloody pathetic to do anything about it. Dear god!