Guest every other weekend

[Sampron20]

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

Thanks @realityhack

@Sampron20 - if you don't have enough self respect to stand up for yourself, stand up for your child. It's their room. It's not yours or your boyfriend's room to give away. You know she'll trash it.

You absolutely DO NOT ALLOW THIS.

If she stays then it’s on the sofa, or an air bed in living room that she brings and absolutely NOT in your sons room! This is not fair at all on your child and please don’t allow this. I’d be so pissed off if someone was in my room anytime I was gone, especially an adult that had been drinking! What if she vomits in his room?! Or damages his stuff?! This isn’t ok at all and her stupid Dad is being really really unfair towards your child. Please stick up for your child here!

Don’t make it comfortable for her or her moron Dad. She stays in the living room if she HAS to stay and you get up normal time and make noise etc. You aren’t a b&b and it’s not her Dad’s house. Every other weekend is a big no too.

That's exactly why the threads should exist, so that tons of women with experience of living with all types of men can advise the OP that this is a very bad idea.

OP, I think that seeing as he has not yet moved in and (at the last minute) has just sprung this on you, it's definitely not too late for you to say no to him moving in. Listen to your gut feelings: you're already feeling uneasy about it all. Don't invite trouble into your home. After the shit I had with XH, I now have very clear boundaries on who I would allow into my home.

My ExH practically bankrupted me and I am not going down that road again.

Yeah, right. Seems that you are already putting dp above your son

I have 2 teen DC and their bedrooms are their sanctuaries. There is no way in hell I would ask them to let a DSD use their room when they are out for the night. I think this is a hill to die on and would happily wave your DP back to his own property if this becomes a condition of him moving in. Your DC have to come first.

It isn't fair to her, either!

Op has disappeared, wonder if they all live happily ever after ?

I think you need to step very carefully here.
This man has said one thing and waited until he’s about to move in with you before announcing he has changed his mind. I suspect he had this in mind all along. But knew you would not agree. Now he thinks it’s too late, but it’s really not. Tell him you need breathing space and he can’t move in just yet. He can find a hotel or a friend to stay with or a short term rental. Give yourself some breathing space and think very hard.

He can’t control his daughter. Her behaviour is unacceptable and he wants you to deal with her. You know how awful she can be. Why would you want her in your house? And once your partner is in she will be invited. You will be told oh I forgot x is coming over in 5 minutes. And it’s very hard to say no she’s not at that stage. Gradually she will move in, and then you will be stuck with the two of them.

You say you’ve been together for ages, so it obviously works. Why change things? His daughter is always going to be there….. telling him she can’t have the room won’t really make any difference. She will come round when you are out. Do you want to live like that? Does your child?

I would say you are not happy and he needs to find somewhere else where his daughter can stay with him. But she cannot stay at yours.
You need to be very firm here OP this man has tried to deceive you… don’t allow him to make you feel guilty.

I reckon your boyfriend will take it hard if you tell him he can't move in - he's looking at a rent-free existence, isn't he?

He’s done a 180, you can too!

think of your son, this will be crap for him too.

No sofa for her! It'll stink of unwashed drunk person. Do you want that in your living room?

Just please put a stop to this all now. No moving in , no sd sleeping over. Just say no! What are you so afraid of?

No. He changed the arrangements. He doesn't move in. End of story.
You can't trust him.

The whole thing has red flags all over. He says he's moving out because he can't stand living with the daughter anymore because of the drinking, smoking, slovenliness etc. He gave her deposit money for a house which seems to have disappeared. So now he wants to move in with you? How convenient. He gets to save on rent cocklodging living with you and can save money until he basically gets the deposit back. I wonder if he's had financial difficulties because of the deposit - it all has a whiff of hobosexuality about it - someone needing a place and then suddenly either falling in love with a new woman and moving in with her or moving in with a long-established partner.

I was talking to a relative about this sort of thing just this morning. We have a friend who is heading towards a similar disaster (but not because of a DSD). I really don't understand why women who are established in life, with their own homes, and perhaps adult children would move in some man who is bringing a whole load of baggage with him.
Why do they do it? Why risk everything you have worked for? Why disrupt a young person's life by moving in a boyfriend and everything associated with that? Why bring in someone who potentially just makes a mess and causes havoc? Why risk having a cocklodger situation develop, having someone living off your own back - because this guy in the OP isn't going to be paying rent so that's a huge expense he's free of?

I'm not saying all men are bad. Some are great and maybe things could work out fine but if there are any red flags at all about how they live their life in their own place (cleanliness, bad habits, issues with children, MIL etc) why would you risk it?
Surely if you want a shag and intimacy and some nice dates you can do that living separately. You can also support each other and enjoy a great life together, but keeping your own financial security and stability, and most importantly, providing a home for any children for as long as they need it. (And that includes the OP's boyfriend - if he wants to offer his adult daughter a place to stay EOW then that's his responsibility to sort out, not move her in to the OP's son's room so she can trash the place).

Long post can be summarized as give yourself a long, hard talking to OP. You do not need this man moving in.

STOP! Listen to your instincts. Don't allow this man to move in until this is cleared. Id start with these questions
Is your step daughter actually planning to visit her dad ie spend family time together?
Why does she need to stay overnight? Eg could they meet for say Sunday lunch?
What is their arrangement atm?

If she's just using your home as a base thst would be a no from me. Let's say you lived in London. I wouldn't be averse to her staying over occasionally because she was going to a gig or show and then spending some time together with the family but I wouldnt let anyone stay alternate weekends (too much) or treat my home as a free B&B

OP, you and DP have been together years. There's zero reason for your current set up to change. The only difference is that your OP is moving in to get away from a problem he didn't have the ability to solve.

You're totally setting yourself up to "go down that road again". He and his daughter are going to emotionally bankrupt you because he isn't going to change and start dealing with his daughter. It'll be left to you.

He can use his deposit money to put down on somewhere else.

Please, please, please DON’T let him move in @Sampron20

He knew exactly what he was doing when he first mentioned his D stating but pretended he wanted to put her off. At the last minute he’s done a complete turnaround to move her in every other weekend.

He is showing you who he is and it’s not someone who puts you and your son first.

There’s no need to ask your son how he would feel about this because it simply shouldn’t be happening.

The D is coming in late, stealing money, smoking and inviting strangers back - and he thinks it is OK for her to do that in your home, too? Sorry OP but you deserve so much better than this ridiculous man and his vile daughter.

@Testina

I only used stepsister because it was easier.

But yeah, I have a teen DD and I would have shut this shit down quicker than the Flash if I were in this situation. If I had to sacrifice the relationship, then so be it.

What will happen if the DC doesnt go to dad's one weekend for any reason? Are the DP and daughter gonna kick off because she cant stay because the teenager is using their own room?

Cocklodger in the making

Your poor child is about to
lose his privacy because both you and your partner are too cowardly to say no to an adult who is old enough to be living independently.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. Your partner doesn’t move in while his daughter is calling the shots over your house.

So what is the set up where he lives at the moment - does his daughter stay with at weekends?

Ridiculous. He's moving in to escape living with the loser daughter and now he's decided to bring her with him (part-time to start with). It would be appalling of you to let her stay in your child's room. Put your child first. He thinks you'll be able to manage the daughter better than him, but you won't.

Are you even married? Otherwise she isn’t a step daughter she is a partners child and not your issue. I’d stop him moving in asap.
I couldn’t be dealing with a weak man like this, expecting you and your DC to bend for Him and his. Absolutely no way.

I was just initially answering direct questions asking for clarity, not just the safe ones. I was reading through the other replies.

Some of these comments about being desperate and lacking self respect are a little off the mark but everyone is entitled to an opinion.

As for the legal bit, the appointments with solicitor next week. I may have got the terminology wrong. The long and short of it though, as i am not legally trained, I am putting in place a legal agreement that protects my assets and finances. Whatever that is called!! It doesn't really matter. What matters is protecting me and DC legally.

I was genuinely posting on here to see if my thought process was in anyway unreasonable. I have lived alone with my DC for a long time and have no experience of step parenting and what is reasonable/unreasonable in such circumstances. This post was simply a sense check.

The move is happening now, as I type this. So it is too late to back out. The convo about this happened last night. Again, all a bit too late in the day. I did not see a U turn on the horizon.

As for that to do. I have listened to opinions and thank you to those who have replied in a sensible and kind way. It is appreciated.

I will be putting my foot down. This will not be happening. As mentioned, this was a sense check to see if my thought process was reasonable or not.

As for those who as concerned about my DC. Let me assure you, I fought too long and hard for his safety- that's another story. I will not ever do anything that would have my DC living in another volatile environment.

He obviously wants to make you the ‘bad guy’ - as in, “I would love you to stay over but X is so mean and awful - she said no right to your face…”

He’s deliberately sprung this on you at the last minute and doesn’t want to take responsibility for the fall out he knows will come from his daughter.

Your call for what happens next.

@Sampron20

I recommend getting a lock for your DC bedroom then. The daughter has a habit of taking the piss and your DP has no spine.