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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
MinxieMax · 29/05/2023 12:35

Your child seems to have no voice in all this. Have you spoken to them about it or what?

Anyway, you believe it's too late now, so over to you to find a solution. You know deep down what it is, so do the right thing and give your child your back, or you will regret putting DP and his daughter above both of you.

Your choice.

Woman2023 · 29/05/2023 12:35

Floofydawg · 29/05/2023 12:29

The replies are interesting (and I do agree with them all). But when I posted something similar about 22yo SS wanting to come and stay part time post uni, I was mostly told that I was unreasonable.

I didn't see your thread but generally believe step children should be treated as children. The issue here is a young adult not taking responsibility for themselves, and the dad moving into a house where there isn't space for his daughter. And the dad isn't taking responsibility for ensuring his daughter understands this.

It's just a bad move all round.

Littlethingsmeanalot · 29/05/2023 12:35

endofthelinefinally · 29/05/2023 12:34

No. Just say no. Keep your space and your privacy.You are being taken advantage of here and you will regret it.
Stop everything now. That will be so much easier than trying to undo all the legal stuff later.

Good lord, taking advantage for a couple moving in for him to have his child to stay? You do get he’s not the lodger?

flexigirl · 29/05/2023 12:36

Now is EXACTLY the time to put a stop to this. Your life will be quite miserable, not to mention your own dear child being made to feel like they don't have their own safe space. I think moving in sounds like the kiss of death on this relationship. You already resent your partner for being weak. He won't change, moving in together will only multiply your feelings towards him. It's only going to get much messier if you don't back out now. Do is presenting you with a life you don't want, in your own home! Pay attention to the red flags OP

Clymene · 29/05/2023 12:36

No way! It's your son's bedroom - it's not his to give away.

Cancel the moving in.

SwishSwishBisch · 29/05/2023 12:36

Honestly OP, if you can’t put your foot down on this right now, your relationship is done for anyway.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 12:36

The co hab agreement sets out that I own the property and he has no claim on it, it's equity or any goods not jointly purchased.

So what exactly does he get out of the agreement?

Why are you even setting it up?

You need a wake up call. This is a potential disaster.

CwmYoy · 29/05/2023 12:37

Put your foot down. If she stays she sleeps on the sofa and not in DC's room.

Kugela · 29/05/2023 12:37

Tell him you’ve changed your mind about him moving in because he’s going to allow his DD to do exactly what she wants instead of saying no to her.

FriendsDrinkBook · 29/05/2023 12:39

Please don't let him move in op. It will make you and your child miserable. The sd won't be any different at your place , she'll possibly be even worse , and those with such thick skin are hard to get rid of.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 12:39

If he gave his DD money for a house deposit, (and she'd kept it) why did he not use that to buy a bigger place for you both?

Why is he having some legal agreement to live with you?
What exactly does that mean?

Does it mean he is a special kind of lodger and you can't kick him out if your relationship ends?

Longdarkcloud · 29/05/2023 12:39

You need to put this on hold until the matter is settled to your satisfaction, OP.
Maybe this will make DP see you are serious about it. It is outrageous that he is contemplating bringing his problems into your life.
Remind him that he was at breaking point with his D previously and how she fails to observe any boundary.

Original poster
Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 12:39

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 12:36

The co hab agreement sets out that I own the property and he has no claim on it, it's equity or any goods not jointly purchased.

So what exactly does he get out of the agreement?

Why are you even setting it up?

You need a wake up call. This is a potential disaster.

I am setting up the agreement to protect what I have worked hard for financially. My ExH practically bankrupted me and I am not going down that road again.

OP posts:
CannotDoThisAnymore · 29/05/2023 12:40

And what about if she goes out and brings a boyf/ONS back when staying at yours? Doesnt sound like she has boundaries so i wouldnt put it past her using your sons bedroom. Its just not on. Not enough room. Fair enough if both kids under 10 but not a teen/adult situation

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 12:41

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 12:39

I am setting up the agreement to protect what I have worked hard for financially. My ExH practically bankrupted me and I am not going down that road again.

Show quote history

why would he have a claim on your home anyway?

This is called a Deed of Trust whereby you protect your equity in the even ot a sale (for any reason).
But it usually only applies where the other person is paying towards the mortgage .

Newyearnewmeow · 29/05/2023 12:42

So he’s waited till the last minute to go against what he said. Sneaky and planned?
He wants you to allow his disruptive and disrespectful adult daughter to come and go as she pleases in YOUR home, your safe place, your kids safe place.
You would be an absolute fool to allow this. I would be telling him he is not moving in. They are going to run rings round you and you will massively regret it.
Now’s your last chance to tell him it’s not happening.

Mikimoto · 29/05/2023 12:43

Say you're sorry if your teenage son's sheets are a bit spaffy, but you didn't get time to change them...

cordelia16 · 29/05/2023 12:44

OP is only replying to the safe posts.

Based on MN experience, what will happen is that OP will still allow the guy to move in this weekend, the guy's daughter will crash there EOW (or more) in her son's room, bringing her awful habits with her. Her son may become extremely angry with her and may lash out or want to live at his Dad's full time.

OP will then start a post in 1-2 months bemoaning how much she hates her life.

I rarely get invested enough to feel anger, but I do here. So I'm out. Best of luck to you, OP.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 29/05/2023 12:44

you needed to have sorted things like this way before now. However, it is not too late as he hasn’t moved in yet. He’s already making demands over your home and your DC’s space with no respect for either of you. Red flags all over.

if you let him move in without a firm no then please don’t post I. A month or so saying how terrible life is with your DSD smoking and creating filth in your DC’s safe space.

Testina · 29/05/2023 12:44

“My ExH practically bankrupted me and I am not going down that road again.”

Unless the road is letting a man treat you like shit, in which case you’re already half way down the road again.

u turn!!!!

Peachy2005 · 29/05/2023 12:45

This is a different kind of disaster about to happen than the one with your ex-DH. Your DP is about to bankrupt your peace of mind and happiness massively and it’s NOT too late!! He needs to rent somewhere and sort himself out. Personally, I wouldn’t let his daughter stay the night ever, given the problems you’ve described. At her age, there’s no need. In any case, please listen to all of us telling you these are massive red flags and DO NOT let him move in at this point in time.

realityhack · 29/05/2023 12:46

cordelia16 · 29/05/2023 12:44

OP is only replying to the safe posts.

Based on MN experience, what will happen is that OP will still allow the guy to move in this weekend, the guy's daughter will crash there EOW (or more) in her son's room, bringing her awful habits with her. Her son may become extremely angry with her and may lash out or want to live at his Dad's full time.

OP will then start a post in 1-2 months bemoaning how much she hates her life.

I rarely get invested enough to feel anger, but I do here. So I'm out. Best of luck to you, OP.

Sadly, I think you are spot on. Poor kid.

dreamingbohemian · 29/05/2023 12:46

Wtf am I actually reading

OP it's crazy that you even needed to post this. I can't believe you even need to think about whether you should give this woman access to your son's room and belongings, are you nuts.

It is not too late, he hasn't even moved in yet! Get a lock for your son's room, tell DP his daughter can sleep on the sofa, if she causes one hint of trouble in YOUR house she will no longer be welcome.

If he doesn't agree, he doesn't move in. If he agrees and later backtracks, then he moves out. You need to be firm here.

Alleycat1 · 29/05/2023 12:48

Whatever you do please don't move to a larger house. DSD would want to move in and you would never get rid of her. The co hab agreement sounds like a very good idea.
You must be firm with DP. It will be enough upheaval for your DC to share the space with another adult let alone some slob of a woman invading his only private space twice a month. Your DP sounds a bit of a wet lettuce where his Dd is concerned so you are going to have to stiffen your spine to deal with her and him.

Phoenix1Arisen · 29/05/2023 12:48

The lack of bedrooms is NOT the issue, OP. You could have 10 bedrooms but she would still be a horrible person and your so-called partner (who wants to dump on you at the 11th hour) would still have a grave lack of moral courage.

He is proving that he cannot be trusted with your welfare or safety.