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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
Hellenabe · 30/05/2023 06:15

OP, i feel for you and am not sure how you can manage this one out. Can you say this isn't working after a month and suggest finding elsewhere? Or has he let go of his former place to move in with you. Personally I'd make up an excuse a few weeks in then help him find somewhere else.

My ex did similar and we had his troublesome daughter so much. She's fine now but it was a thankless task plus I didnt have children at the time. I think you need to ask yourself also, separate to his daughter, he wasnt keen on commiting anyway but you forced his hand. That to me, tells me he's not right for you.

Queenager · 30/05/2023 07:18

OP- you said that you wanted him to move in with you because you wanted to be his priority ( over his daughter) and not be left with the crumbs.
Listen …. You will never be his priority.
Your relationship is not going to get any better- it’ll probably get a hell of a lot worse.

NosyHamster · 30/05/2023 07:26

Assuming the move went ahead yesterday, there no reason why you can’t discuss his daughter today and make your position clear. Just because he’s now “in” doesn’t mean the subject is closed?

ShippingNews · 30/05/2023 07:36

I feel so sorry for your poor son. His dad often doesn't want him, and now he doesn't even have his own secure territory. This grown woman is promised occupancy of his personal room , whenever it suits her , because you can't say no to this grifter. I personally think you could lose your son over this.

MzHz · 30/05/2023 07:51

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 17:01

Tbh, living apart often made me feel like I was the other woman and it caused problems. It come down to me explaining that after so many years together I should not be feeling like I'm the other woman and that something needed to change as the relationship wasn't going anywhere.

He spent so many hours worrying about what was going on at home. Having to drive back and fore there at every created drama. Leaving early hours of the morning as she wanted to be picked up. I got to the point that I had a titsfull of the situation. His mental health was declining due to home, I was constantly feeling pushed out by the drama always taking priority every damn time we actually spent time together.

It was a case I guess of me saying move the commitment along or this is going nowhere.

I wasn't happy to be playing second fiddle for the foreseeable future. And for anyone who is concerned I was asking to be his priority. I certainly wasn't. I was fed up getting the crumbs left from all the time, effort and everything else his daughters constant demands left behind.

He said he realised when I put my foot down how bad things at home were and how much impact they had on all of us.

Tbh I am really pissed off that he's reneged on the whole thing now at this stage. I genuinely thought he had grown a back bone and was trying to disengaged from what was an enraged shit show.

Show quote history

This was when you should have demanded more for yourself and ended it, not begged for more crumbs. That’s what he’s seeing this as.

as far as I can see, this was his investment plan all along. You’re a mark, he’s worked on you for years and you’re moving him in. What happens when he can’t afford the 50/50 split on bills?

cos that’s what is coming PDQ.

he knows what he’s doing

DeliciouslyDecadent · 30/05/2023 08:03

The posters saying give the daughter the sofa or put a lock on the son's bedroom door...

Really?

There is no way she should do either. The daughter lives 10 mins away with her mum. She's an adult who was buying her own house till she pulled out of that.

She ought to tell this useless man to GTF out of their lives!

Honestly, her poor son. He's already been through his parents splitting up, doesn't have a sound relationship with his dad, and now his mum is inviting this piece of uselessness into their home!

Teens are very vulnerable anyway to changes and this poor lad is having his needs put way down the list. (And I'm not talking about his room being used.)

@Sampron20 You need to step up the parenting of your son. This is not the right time to let this man live in your small house. Put your own romantic life/ sex life/ whatever this man gives you on hold and wait till your son is through his exams. Give the poor lad a break from your emotional dramas.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 30/05/2023 08:16

Obviously I don't mean stop having sex, per se, but you really can't introduce this man and his own parenting issues into your son's life.

Can you imagine his narrative in a few years when he is talking to a counsellor, (or not speaking to his mum) and telling them how his mum fucked up his life as a teen by letting her boyfriend move in and having to allow that man's daughter sleep in his room when he wasn't there?

FinallyHere · 30/05/2023 08:19

Goodness, I hope this one is a wind up

Azealeasinbloom · 30/05/2023 08:20

Op, I have read all your updates but not the full thread so forgive me if this has already been suggested. When you get your legal agreement in place, please include a notice clause ( as short as allowed) so you can kick him and his feral daughter out if needed.
You may also be able to include a clause about her anti social behaviour being a reason for them to leave immediately ?

Good luck with it all, but remember that you are strong enough to be without him .

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 30/05/2023 08:28

Dad buys a sofa bed for his daughter. Your DCs room is exactly that.

Testina · 30/05/2023 08:41

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 30/05/2023 08:28

Dad buys a sofa bed for his daughter. Your DCs room is exactly that.

@WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing another one?!! Have you actually read the OP’s posts and still think a sofa bed is the way to go? 😳

Newtt · 30/05/2023 08:42

WateryDoom · 29/05/2023 11:32

You say firmly "This is not what we agreed, and not what I want. We'll just give it a miss and continue as we are. It's far too complicated for you to move in and so the answer is No. We've been fine as we are for years. Let's keep it that way'.

Also agree with this.

Just don’t get in to this!!!
Moving him in is not a good idea as there is already friction - it won’t get better and you risk alienating your DC.

Kugela · 30/05/2023 09:03

‘I’ve thought about what you said about DSD staying here and I’m absolutely not prepared to ‘try it’. My DS’s room is his and nobody else can use it. End of. I don’t want her staying over in my home due to her behaviour and lack of respect towards me. If you feel you can’t agree to this, you will need to think about finding another rental’

CannotDoThisAnymore · 30/05/2023 09:10

So op, i guess hes moved in now. How are things? What are you thinking about the situation? Any sight of the DD yet?

FinallyHere · 30/05/2023 09:11

While I generally agree @Kugela I think he has already shown himself as weak and willing to swivel the full 180degrees in the prevailing wind.

If you feel you can’t agree to this, you will need to think about finding another rental’

Of course he won't rethink such a sweet deal for him, of course nothing will change.

OP should do her future self a favour and pause his moving in until this is fully resolved. Not that I can imaging how you could ever be sure about him.

Much better to not have him move in the first place.

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/05/2023 09:12

DeliciouslyDecadent · 30/05/2023 08:03

The posters saying give the daughter the sofa or put a lock on the son's bedroom door...

Really?

There is no way she should do either. The daughter lives 10 mins away with her mum. She's an adult who was buying her own house till she pulled out of that.

She ought to tell this useless man to GTF out of their lives!

Honestly, her poor son. He's already been through his parents splitting up, doesn't have a sound relationship with his dad, and now his mum is inviting this piece of uselessness into their home!

Teens are very vulnerable anyway to changes and this poor lad is having his needs put way down the list. (And I'm not talking about his room being used.)

@Sampron20 You need to step up the parenting of your son. This is not the right time to let this man live in your small house. Put your own romantic life/ sex life/ whatever this man gives you on hold and wait till your son is through his exams. Give the poor lad a break from your emotional dramas.

PLEASE @Sampron20 - take notice of Decadent's post.

Your son deserves better than this, and so do you.

If he is already in your home, don't give him a key. Send him away today. Tell him NO.

Ignore any pleading, and arguments - just "broken record" "This isn't what we agreed. This isn't what I want". over and over.

He will try to guilt and manipulate you - close your ears to his "reasonable" arguments - he's already shown he can't be trusted. His DD will move in - a night here, a weekend there, and then you will be stuck with the two of them and so will your son.

This man is a grown up. He is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

Draw the line now. You will thank yourself in the future, I promise you. (And as long as he is in your life, leeching off you, you will never have the chance of a decent relationship with a decent man.)

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 30/05/2023 09:19

Anyone think op isn't responding as she is making breakfast for the 2 cheeky fuckers?

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/05/2023 09:23

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 30/05/2023 09:19

Anyone think op isn't responding as she is making breakfast for the 2 cheeky fuckers?

Or sitting sobbing because their feet are well under the table and she can't see what she can do about it.

YerArseInParsley · 30/05/2023 09:42

@Sampron20 No, your daughter can't stay in my sons room and that's final.

That's all that should be said.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 30/05/2023 09:46

YerArseInParsley · 30/05/2023 09:42

@Sampron20 No, your daughter can't stay in my sons room and that's final.

That's all that should be said.

Have you read her posts?

She has said that.

The man says they have to give it a try.

How does he even dare utter those words when she's already said she doesn't want it?

YerArseInParsley · 30/05/2023 10:01

EnjoyingTheSilence · 29/05/2023 22:35

You don’t need to do a damn thing. It’s your child’s room, not a hotel that has various guests. Tell him if he doesn’t like it, he can move his stuff straight out again. His dd will not be staying over in your child’s room. EVER. End of discussion

I don't understand why op isn't this assertive. S plain no she's not getting in my sons room should be enough to end the discussion.

Someone suggested a sofa bed for the livingroom, he'll no!

Famzonhol · 30/05/2023 10:51

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 17:01

Tbh, living apart often made me feel like I was the other woman and it caused problems. It come down to me explaining that after so many years together I should not be feeling like I'm the other woman and that something needed to change as the relationship wasn't going anywhere.

He spent so many hours worrying about what was going on at home. Having to drive back and fore there at every created drama. Leaving early hours of the morning as she wanted to be picked up. I got to the point that I had a titsfull of the situation. His mental health was declining due to home, I was constantly feeling pushed out by the drama always taking priority every damn time we actually spent time together.

It was a case I guess of me saying move the commitment along or this is going nowhere.

I wasn't happy to be playing second fiddle for the foreseeable future. And for anyone who is concerned I was asking to be his priority. I certainly wasn't. I was fed up getting the crumbs left from all the time, effort and everything else his daughters constant demands left behind.

He said he realised when I put my foot down how bad things at home were and how much impact they had on all of us.

Tbh I am really pissed off that he's reneged on the whole thing now at this stage. I genuinely thought he had grown a back bone and was trying to disengaged from what was an enraged shit show.

Show quote history

Your update here makes me a lot less sympathetic towards you. He was doing his best to support a clearly struggling adult DD. You wanted him to pay more attention to you so you pushed him to move in. He explained that he would still want to support his DD. You hoped he’d just forget about her but it turns out that he hasn’t.

Is that what he would say, if asked for his side?

knobheeeeed · 30/05/2023 11:47

What an absolute fucking mess. But there were loads of points along the road where you should have said no. I do not understand your reasoning at all. It's absolutely ludicrous to allow this man to move in and at any one of those points where you were concerned about the daughter you could have said, no, I don't want this move to happen as it doesn't work for my son.
He deliberately waited until the last minute to tell you his daughter would be staying there EOW.
I'm sorry OP, this is going to be a disaster but you have brought it on yourself by ignoring red flags and putting some man's wants and needs above yours and your DS.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/05/2023 12:17

When you get your legal agreement in place, please include a notice clause (as short as allowed) so you can kick him and his feral daughter out if needed.
You may also be able to include a clause about her anti social behaviour being a reason for them to leave immediately?

I'd lay good money that there isn't going to be a legal agreement, Azaleasinbloom
As a PP said this guy knows exactly what he's doing - hence waiting until he's actually moving to change the goalposts - and sadly OP somehow believes she's "won" something in moving him in

The best she can hope for is that he'll ask his DD to keep it down for a few weeks so he can insist everything's fine and future problems are a one-off, but more likely the finances will become a major clue when he fails to contribute properly and blames the DD's latest "crisis"

OhComeOnFFS · 30/05/2023 12:30

Livelovebehappy · 29/05/2023 19:19

Sell your home and buy another jointly, with more space. I know to some it would seem an adult child early 20s shouldn’t be residing with their parents, but it’s the norm now for many. Not many 20+ year olds can afford their own place so are staying with parents. Personally, I think you should cancel him moving in, and have a relationship which doesn’t involve you living together, so you both can set your own boundaries and make independent decisions about your own living arrangements.

You really think she should buy a house with him? Are you crazy?