Guest every other weekend

[Sampron20]

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

I feel sorry for the op, she's has been outplayed and out manoeuvred

It's still her choice though. She could perfectly well have said "On second thoughts this isn't going to work" when he crapped all over her wishes, but instead has chosen to prioritise him over her own son and the future peace of the home

It's things like this which prompt teens to get out of the family home at the first opportunity, so if and when it happens let's just hope OP doesn't wonder why

Sadly I think this is absolutely correct

It sounds like you had an awful time with your ex, why on earth did you plough ahead with this? Just make sure you go to the solicitors and get some thing drawn up. This man is not daft and it ain't going yo end well.

😂 and he brings nothing to the table by the sounds of it, other than his cock.

he has to have one attribute worth hanging on in there for surely.

This is a big mistake op. I know it’s already all been said but step back tonight and reach out to your support network. I’m not calling this man abusive (yet) but I feel you still have work to do on your boundaries and him moving in at this stage will not help you do that.
You and your lovely ds are survivors and you need to continue to heal together. This man will stomp all over your healing.

This is not a healthy relationship. This man is reckless financially, he does not plan well for his future, he does not make wise decisions for himself, he does not make wise decisions around parenting or relationships and he lies. He lied to you. He told you what you wanted to hear about his dd. He said “of course she won’t stay she’s a nightmare” but he never spoke to her about it and he didn’t mean it. It was his way of pleasing you until it was too late. He is also an always victim, someone who is always the wronged person or who has suffered at the hands of injustice, it’s never his fault or his doing ! In his eyes at least. But we all know it is actually. He makes poor decisions and is all poor me then looks for someone to correct his mistakes. Unfortunately that is you at this time op. He has nothing to lose here but you have everything to lose.

This man has no drive to forge an equal relationship or a good life, he’s simply drifting along finding someone to manipulate to do his dirty work. Again that’s you this time op.

Before the month is out his dd will have fallen out with her mum and she will be living with you. I can hear it now “she’s my dd, il have to move out and get a place with her, do you want me to be in that situation op, don’t you care about me”.

It may feel too late but it is never too late.

You need to continue to protect your son who has already been traumatised. You have been strong once, you can again. Don’t forget what you did. Don’t let this man take that away from you and your son.

I don't think its reasonable to say the DSD can never stay at yours... who knows what genuine reason there may be for it in the future... buuuuuuuuuuut...

On the sofa, only.

In an emergency or where it is only practical option.

HE explains the rules (not drunk, no friends, tidy up after self, ask before eating food from cupboards/fridge/freezer etc etc) and HE enforces them.

Your DC's room is their room, not a guest room. Totally inappropriate for her to think she can kip in there every other weekend and wildly inappropriate for his parent to permit that, so that has to be your non-negotiable starting point.

I think once she realises this isn't a cosy comfy option whenever she wants to avoid her DM or tap her DF for money, she will quit asking. If not and he kicks off and leaves over it... well theres your answer as to where the relationship is going.

If you're saying his attention to his DD makes you feel like the OW, let me ask you this: what do you expect to change simply because he's changed addresses? She's still going to create the same 'drama', he's still going to get the same phone calls or knocks on the door, and you're still going to have the same arguments when she does. Only now it will be worse, because all that drama is going to be 'in your face', rather than in his home, where you either didn't hear about it because you didn't live there, or you could simply go home if it got to be too much.

I think you are expecting far too much from a simple change of abode. And frankly I think he was too. I think both of you thought that his DD would simply take her behaviour 'elsewhere' once he moved to yours. But it's become apparent that she has no intention of doing so AND that wants her to be able to stay at 'your and his' home. Because once he moves in, it will be his home and right or wrong he's going to feel he has some 'say so' in who and what takes place. You say 'no' (don't blame you) but do you really think that's the last word that will be said by either of you on this? I don't. You say you had a titsful of it, well I think you're in for many, many 'discussions' about her and a lot of pushing and 'guilting' to get you to agree with his apparent point of view or to 'support him' in dealing with her 'crises'. Living 'together apart' you could wave him off from your doorstep and settle in with a nice book and a glass of wine whilst he's off mopping up her tears, her latest mess, or her hangover vomit.

I think there is much more likelihood of your relationship hitting the skids with him living with you and you having to deal with him dealing with his DD's 'issues' with no escape than if he still had his own place where she could make her literal and figurative 'messes' without you having it brought into your 'space'.

Just my long 'two pence'.

So today is moving day.

Please do not let him unpack anything until he has agreed to the former terms that his DD WOULD NOT be staying with you.

The timing of him dropping this bombshell was deliberate.

You don’t need to do a damn thing. It’s your child’s room, not a hotel that has various guests. Tell him if he doesn’t like it, he can move his stuff straight out again. His dd will not be staying over in your child’s room. EVER. End of discussion

Put your young dc first!
You are their protector,if you won't do it who will?
Sorry but you cannot put your dp and his adult child before your dc.
To take over your child's bedroom is totally unacceptable and you must put an end to this right now.

Agree with PPs, absolutely don't ever let this girl into your home! She's obviously a spoilt entitled brat of a human being, and the last thing you need anywhere near your home life (apart from occasional visits or meals when invited etc). Make that crystal clear to DP right from the outset. You both know what was the original plan, so he can't complain if you won't change it now.

It does sound as though he has been underhand and probably saying one thing to you and one to her. Stand firm OP, and never let her stay over (unless pre-arranged and on the sofa). You are not a freebie place for late night drunks, and your DCs room is not negotiable!

If DP complains he doesn't want to ruin his relationship with her, then as PPs have said - point him in the direction of the nearest travelodge. She's not a child. Don't ever give in, even once - or this will become your worst nightmare!

This situation has disaster written all over it...

Ask her who stays in her room at her mum’s when she intends to stay at your place in your sons room? Perhaps the mother could rent out her room every other weekend? I bet she wouldn’t want this.

*He spent so many hours worrying about what was going on at home. Having to drive back and fore there at every created drama. Leaving early hours of the morning as she wanted to be picked up. I got to the point that I had a titsfull of the situation. His mental health was declining due to home, I was constantly feeling pushed out by the drama always taking priority every damn time we actually spent time together.

It was a case I guess of me saying move the commitment along or this is going nowhere.

I wasn't happy to be playing second fiddle for the foreseeable future. And for anyone who is concerned I was asking to be his priority. I certainly wasn't. I was fed up getting the crumbs left from all the time, effort and everything else his daughters constant demands left behind.*

This will continue just now under your roof.

You always have been and will continue to be 2nd fiddle. And so will your DS - in his own home. Even if she never stays he will be preoccupied and running around after her.

Tbh, living apart often made me feel like I was the other woman and it caused problems. It come down to me explaining that after so many years together I should not be feeling like I'm the other woman and that something needed to change as the relationship wasn't going anywhere.

Clearly nothing has changed. The RS hasn’t gone anywhere and you are not his priority.

I am setting up the agreement to protect what I have worked hard for financially. My ExH practically bankrupted me and I am not going down that road again.

Looks like you are. He brings nothing to the table. Just benefits himself financially (he must be laughing all the way to Cocklodger Bank PLC) - and if he doesn’t cripple you financially - he will emotionally bankrupt you and your DS.

This man is a liar. Cannot be trusted. Get him gone in the next 2 weeks.

Your poor poor son getting dragged into this shit show.

You are prioritising your boyfriend and his daughter over his well being and security.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Very simple answer, lock for your child's personal space.
If Dad wants her to stay she can fall drunkenly into living room and her dad can deal with it while you go to bed.

Jesus Christ, sorry, the notions of this man!

Definite lock for your son’s room and only you have the key. If he does move in, which id advise against.

Yes, do ask who sleeps in her room when she’s not there.

Some women will put up with abusive useless scrotes sooner than be single. It makes me utterly despair.

OP you really need to let go of this idea that it's too late now to change him moving in with you. It isn't. He's a grown man and he will have to find alternative accommodation. With room for two if he wants somewhere for his DD to stay at the weekend.

Have you read what you've written? About her behaviour, about how your 'D'P has told you exactly what you wanted to hear while you had time to call a halt and then tells you that she will be coming and you'll have to 'give it a try'? Like hell you do. This is your home and your DS's. YOU make the rules, not him. I bet he thinks all his Christmases have come at once. He doesn't have to rent any more, someone else provides the roof over his head.

He's barely got his foot through the door and he's throwing his weight around. Telling you and DS what's going to happen, deciding that DS's room will be his DD's. OP he's showing you who he really is. He's a Disney dad who won't say no to his daughter and is quite prepared to throw you and DS under the bus. You should be blazing angry about what he's done, not wringing your hands about it being too late.

Find your anger and get him out. When he knows you mean it, don't give in if he says she won't come. She will. And he will back her, not you.

My DD would be upset if someone was in her room whilst she was not there. You need to stand up for her (I’m not implying you don’t stand up for her, but more to prove a point).
Also, you’ll never get any time together if there’s always someone there.

I’d be interested to read how OPs boyfriend moving into her kids home is for her child’s benefit, how it centres and prioritises him. That would be the only reason to move this pisstaker in. Offering up your kids room to placate a boyfriend is shocking. ‘Too late’- nope.

Given the updates, I’d be immediately putting a lock on ds’s room and it is never available. If she wants to stay once a month maybe there is the sofa, and that’s it. Dp doesn’t have a key to ds room as you can’t trust him on this.

Your poor ds. Not just one but potentially two cuckoos in the nest. Believing that your boyfriend could just run away from his dd without putting up any boundaries when by the sound of it he’s never put a healthy boundary up in his life was magical thinking. I really hope you can sort this out before it affects his mental health or his studies.

Your child does not have to lend their room to anyone especially someone who is likely to trash it. Honestly if you let this happen your child will be looking to move in with their Dad asap. She can sleep on the couch.

I am worried that he will move in and refuse to sign the agreement. Why wasn’t that done beforehand? He has left it until the last minute to let you know that he has changed HIS policy about his troublesome DD staying in YOUR home. He sounds utterly spineless.