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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/05/2023 21:19

No. Absolutely no.

If he’s going to be like this, he doesn’t move in.

When she does stay from time to time, she doesn’t stay in your dc’s room. Not at all. It’s his room and not any kind of shared space. If she’s going to stay over sometimes (which I’m sure is fine) you need to get a sofa bed for her - and any other adult guests- to sleep on.

Im not really keen on adults sleeping in children’s bedrooms at all. My Mum has once slept in dd’s room when she was at her dad’s , with dd’s express permission (I have a really good sofa bed in the sitting room, and that room can be completely closed off to function as a guest bedroom whilst people are staying)

StarbucksSmarterSister · 29/05/2023 21:20

I still don't see why she needs to stay over when she lives five miles away? She can go home after seeing her Dad.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/05/2023 21:21

Mind you I wouldn’t move another adult into my children’s home whilst they’re under 18 either. Screw that.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/05/2023 21:22

StarbucksSmarterSister · 29/05/2023 21:20

I still don't see why she needs to stay over when she lives five miles away? She can go home after seeing her Dad.

This is very true.

Maybe if she ever came to dinner and wanted to have a drink - or if you wanted other guests to be able to stay over - is what I was thinking re sofa bed.

Floofydawg · 29/05/2023 21:25

StarbucksSmarterSister · 29/05/2023 21:20

I still don't see why she needs to stay over when she lives five miles away? She can go home after seeing her Dad.

Exactly this. I don't get this obsession with having people stay if you don't have the room. There's this thing called Uber if you don't want to drive.

BurntOutGirl · 29/05/2023 21:29

I reminded him of his own reasons why he did not want that to happen. I also told him that I liked my own space, it would impact the time we had alone and that it wouldn't work. He then said we needed to try it. He did not want to fall out with her. She is his daughter and he's still a dad blah blah blah.

And you obviously said no this will not be happening when he said "we needed to try it"

Or did you say nothing...

And came on here instead to say.... how awkward it is, such bad timing...blah blah blah

Miscellaneousme · 29/05/2023 21:30

“Sorry but that’s not going to work for me and DS because X Y Z. If you feel so strongly about it that you won’t respect this boundary in my home, then perhaps you shouldn’t move in.”

Thelastofbus · 29/05/2023 21:32

I’m angry on your behalf OP. No you absolutely do not have to ‘give this a go’. It is not what you agreed. And there is no bloody space for her! Any teen I know would bloody hate for their room to be used as a hotel room while they were away. This is so bloody disrespectful to your child.

VaddaABeetch · 29/05/2023 21:32

What would annoy me most from the scenario this man has created is that he obviously believes that you are an utter idiot.

Are you going to prove him correct?

PosseGalore · 29/05/2023 21:34

VickyEadieofThigh · 29/05/2023 11:33

I agree with this.

Show quote history

So do I. With bells on.

Beaverbridge · 29/05/2023 21:37

This wonted end well. Your child entitled to privacy.

ArcticLadybird · 29/05/2023 21:41

you have a straight choice here.
A. You prioritise your DS
B. You prioritise your partner and his daughter
Your son will (rightfully) never forgive you for the choices you are making

NosyHamster · 29/05/2023 21:41

Floofydawg · 29/05/2023 21:25

Exactly this. I don't get this obsession with having people stay if you don't have the room. There's this thing called Uber if you don't want to drive.

Show quote history

The whole overnighting thing never seems to end when the ‘child’ has separated parents, it’s a weird dynamic

Floofydawg · 29/05/2023 21:43

@NosyHamster well it has in this house I'm afraid. SS is 22 - no need for 'sleepovers' any more. Fuck that.

NosyHamster · 29/05/2023 21:48

@Floofydawg DSS is now in his late 20s and DH has only just chilled out re overnighting. A visit didn’t count unless it involved an overnight stay. Very unhealthy

Snazzysausage · 29/05/2023 21:49

This has disaster written all over it. She will still ring him at 2am and he will go to pick her up. He will bring her back to yours,pissed as a fart,and claim he can't possibly take her anywhere else in that state/at that time. Maybe not this week or next week or next month but it will happen. It will cause rows,your DS will be unsettled. He's already moved the goalposts at the last moment.

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/05/2023 21:51

You've accurately read the future @Snazzysausage - and it is going to be awful.

billy1966 · 29/05/2023 21:53

You have been spectacularly out manoeuvred by them both.

Unbelievably so.

Now you are absolutely choosing to put a man ahead of your child and exposing him to this shit show.

Don't kid yourself OP, you have just walked yourself and your son into the most toxic chaos.

One abusive twat in your life wasn't enough.

God love you that you can't even see it.

He's not even in your home and he's telling you what's what.

Truly unbelievable.

As others have said, you have blown up your son's home by allowing these two grifters in and your son will rightly never forget it.

His mothers boyfriend's daughter, using his bed to shag whatever lowlife she picks up when trawling bars

Way to go on the chaos front.

Floofydawg · 29/05/2023 21:54

NosyHamster · 29/05/2023 21:48

@Floofydawg DSS is now in his late 20s and DH has only just chilled out re overnighting. A visit didn’t count unless it involved an overnight stay. Very unhealthy

Ugh, you have my sympathies.

Riverlee · 29/05/2023 21:58

If dp moved today, then this evening should have been spent cuddling up on the sofa with a nice bottle of bubbly and a takeaway. I hope all has gone well.

However, what in reality has happened? Has dp continued to say that his dd can stay or has he respected your decesion? Have you maintained that your Ds’s room is a no go area (rightly so).?

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 22:01

Apart from the intrusion of this young woman sleeping in your son's bed, which is a complete no-no, there is another dynamic which you touched on @Sampron20

Why would she want to 'play gooseberry' to you and her dad?

As a newly-together couple (living together) you would have no privacy if she stayed overnight.

You did mention this. It is going to be the one weekend (each fortnight) when you and your partner are alone in your house.

Does she not appreciate you want privacy?
And doesn't her Dad? 🤔

Is she going to use your son's room as a crash pad after being out on the town? Who's going to change the bedding before and after she sleeps there?

Or is she going to be spending cosy Saturday nights in with you and your DP? (When her home is 10mins away by car.)

Neither is reasonable or acceptable.

VestaTilley · 29/05/2023 22:01

YANBU. Just pause on the whole moving in together thing as he clearly won’t stand up to his DD who will treat your house like a hotel. Say no.

Snazzysausage · 29/05/2023 22:02

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/05/2023 21:51

You've accurately read the future @Snazzysausage - and it is going to be awful.

unfortunately, I think so. I feel sorry for the op, she's has been outplayed and out manoeuvred.

MoirasSaggyBundles · 29/05/2023 22:04

Judging by the OP's anodyne and defeatist responses, she'll be wringing her hands and wheedling about him reneging, all while he is moving his shit in. I cannot in a million years imagine exposing my own child, in his safe home - and let's not forget, OP's DS is also a survivor of her previous bad relationship - to this toxic waste dump of a "man" and his revolting daughter. For absolutely no reason whatsoever, because she clearly doesn't have any respect for him, let alone like him, and he brings nothing to the table by the sounds of it, other than his cock.

BishopRock · 29/05/2023 22:09

Snazzysausage · 29/05/2023 21:49

This has disaster written all over it. She will still ring him at 2am and he will go to pick her up. He will bring her back to yours,pissed as a fart,and claim he can't possibly take her anywhere else in that state/at that time. Maybe not this week or next week or next month but it will happen. It will cause rows,your DS will be unsettled. He's already moved the goalposts at the last moment.

Wouldn't surprise me if she was there now!