Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
ChubbyMorticia · 29/05/2023 20:39

I’d put a lock on your child’s door and use it. No way would she even spend a single night there.

And screw trying it. Your home. You said no. He’s not even in the door yet and trying to take over. Nope.

Bunce1 · 29/05/2023 20:41

I know you’ll feel so conflicted but pressing pause is the right thing here.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 29/05/2023 20:42

Suggest getting a huge strap on dick. Tell him to just try it.

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/05/2023 20:42

Clymene · 29/05/2023 17:02

So you've brought the shitshow to your own home now.

This.

You will always be second fiddle and this cocklodger and his daughter will play sonatas on you.

Please don't ;et him move into your home. It will be damaging to you, and incredibly damaging to your son who has to be your main priority.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 29/05/2023 20:42

If he says it isn't his thing just tell him see how it goes...

SleepingStandingUp · 29/05/2023 20:47

You want to live together OP so I wouldn't be kicking him out as he moves in.

But DO get a lock for your sons room. External only so no one can lock themselves in. If he's not here, it's locked and only you and he have keys.

If she visits and he wants her to sleep over, she gets the sofa. If he moans point out he has the option to move with if he wants it. If she sleeps over, no tip toeing around when she's hung over. She's up when everyone else is. Or you book her a taxi at home time and send her home.

Give it a month. You'll see if he's the man you need.

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/05/2023 20:48

Shinyandnew1 · 29/05/2023 18:49

He then said we needed to try it.

Thats the point I would have told him not to move in.

It's not "we" trying it - it's him trying it on, and pushing your boundaries knowing that you are very unhappy with the situation.

You could have said "No"; you could have insisted that he go to a Travelodge, or anything other than dump himself on you.

Please for the sake of your child, do NOT let him stay - get him out as soon as you can.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 29/05/2023 20:49

He then said we needed to try it. He did not want to fall out with her. She is his daughter and he's still a dad blah blah blah.

You need to try it? In your house? No fucking way. Who the fuck does he think he is? What a spineless dickhead.

Good luck. You’ll really need it. That woman is going to be wrecking your son’s room by June.

DixonD · 29/05/2023 20:49

I wouldn’t like this at all OP. Could you perhaps meet half way and agree to once a month, to keep everyone happy?

HaveSomeIntrospect · 29/05/2023 20:56

That would be a hard no from me.
Your Ds’s room is his private space. Maybe if she lived away and came occasionally to stay over, I would consider letting her stay in these circumstances.

He is a grown man who has been treated badly by his dd and has needed you to rescue him from the situation. And now he wants to lumber you with her poor behaviour because he can’t say no!

Tell him that it’s a no, and he has to tell her.

willWillSmithsmith · 29/05/2023 20:59

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 12:39

I am setting up the agreement to protect what I have worked hard for financially. My ExH practically bankrupted me and I am not going down that road again.

Show quote history

You might not be going down that particular road but you’re going on one just as bad.

poppym12 · 29/05/2023 21:00

No. Don't let her use your son's room. That's his personal space.

Do you want to be part of her dad's lame peace keeping 'solution' by risking alienating your son?

He's already going to have changes to cope with with your boyfriend moving in so to expect him to hand over his room every other weekend to a stranger will push him away.

If her dad won't resolve the issue and put his foot down by telling her no, or occasionally she can sleep on the sofa, it really wouldn't be a good idea to allow him to move in either.

FFSFF · 29/05/2023 21:00

This is like watching a train wreck happening in slow motion and being unable to do anything to stop it.

Olive19741205 · 29/05/2023 21:00

CuddlesPleaseTiddles · 29/05/2023 18:12

she is his daughter. It is perfectly normal for his child to come and stay, even if as an adult. Being an adult doesn’t mean you stop staying at your parents as and when you like to. At least not in my culture. The father should either not move in with you or you should accept the fact that he has a child. Just like he accepted yours. Thats how I would see it, and I would never consider moving in with someone being hostile to my child, adult or kid. For the moment, you should not go onwards with the move and just stay partners, so much easier when everyone has their own freedom and space. Imagine if tables were reversed, would you have liked to be told every two weeks it is too much for your DC to stay with you?

Does your adult child behave the same as the DD in this scenario? Why should anyone have to put up with that in their own home? I certainly wouldn't. I don't care who it is.

duchessofginlane · 29/05/2023 21:01

This is the start of a slippery slope. The DSD does not need to stay over, she lives near enough to always go there to sleep. Letting her stay on the sofa or whatever only encourages her using your place as a second home, leaving her stuff in your fridge, bathroom etc. She can visit but no need to feel entitled to a room and definitely no front door key. However, I wouldn't trust your DP not to give her one, let her get away with murder etc. She doesn't sound very mature or respectful and your DP is bringing this shit to your home!

Crumpleton · 29/05/2023 21:01

He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD

I haven't quoted all of what you wrote re DP wanting you to set/tell DSD house rules but as he wants you to set them they should be....
RULE 1....No staying over night.

RULE 2....Rule one is not up for discussion.

RULE 3....Don't visit unless you're happy to follow rules 1&2 it'll save you feeling offended and me being pissed off when I have to repeat rules 1&2 to you.

londonrach · 29/05/2023 21:02

Dp moves out asap.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 29/05/2023 21:04

If I told my DC that a possibly drunken adult would be sleeping, possibly vomiting, and having sex with randoms in their bed they would be disgusted.

I would be disgusted if it was in my bed.

Your poor DC.

NosyHamster · 29/05/2023 21:04

OP, those responding to your post are almost completely unanimous. We can’t all be wrong. Changing the goal posts right at the 11th hour, when he was pretty sure you wouldn’t refuse him moving in, is a very manipulative thing to do.

summerdresss · 29/05/2023 21:05

*He spent so many hours worrying about what was going on at home. Having to drive back and fore there at every created drama. Leaving early hours of the morning as she wanted to be picked up.

I was fed up getting the crumbs left from all the time, effort and everything else his daughters constant demands left behind.*

Him moving in won't change it. It will be worse because it will be your new life, 24/7 without your own space to escape.

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/05/2023 21:08

custardcreme77 · 29/05/2023 20:18

He must have told his daughter your son will be away alternate weekends, leaving an empty room. He should have kept his mouth shut!
It is not too late at all to tell him your son’s room - his personal, private space - is not to be commandeered by his daughter and it’s none negotiable! Sod ‘try it and see’.

More likely he has said "Her kid will be at his dad's alternate weekends. You can crash in his room"

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/05/2023 21:12

FFSFF · 29/05/2023 21:00

This is like watching a train wreck happening in slow motion and being unable to do anything to stop it.

It IS!

I've never met the OP and I'm worried sick for her, and for her son.

Straight over the side of the bridge at full speed, into the river 100 feet below - no survivors.

It's just horrible.

venusandmars · 29/05/2023 21:13

OP I get that you have a long relationship with him and want to move things on, but take a step back and look at his behaviour (towards you and towards his dd).

For whatever reason, his dd was living with him full time. He accepted that responsibility. But he took no actual responsibility. He didn't manage to create a respectful home environment where his dd contributed towards the chores. His way out of that was to throw money at the problem (money he didn't have). Then when that didn't work his answer was to 'run away' to your small house and leave the responsibility with his ex wife.

He didn't face up to the actual issue.

So why would you be surprised that he is not facing up to it now, but instead is trying to leave it for you to police?

Take a further step back. He and his ex never bought a property but lived and spent beyond their means. He didn't face up to that responsibility either.

I don't understand why you want this man to move in with you and your dc. I don't understand why you thought that shifting the problem daughter to his ex was ever going to work. I don't understand why neither of you made plans that would allow his dd to stay over sometimes (e.g. a sofa bed).

Set the ground rules fir your dh. If his dd wants to stay with him, then he rents an Airbnb for them both for those evenings. If his dd wants to be part of your wider family group then she comes when you're all there, sleeps on a sofa bed and contributes equally to chores, maybe even pays for some food...

If that does not happen, then you might need to consider that this relationship can't move on in the way that you wanted.

BurntOutGirl · 29/05/2023 21:17

Testina · 29/05/2023 19:00

You’re cross with him for having no backbone, but you don’t have one either.

Spot on

Crumpleton · 29/05/2023 21:18

NosyHamster · 29/05/2023 21:04

OP, those responding to your post are almost completely unanimous. We can’t all be wrong. Changing the goal posts right at the 11th hour, when he was pretty sure you wouldn’t refuse him moving in, is a very manipulative thing to do.

I can't help but wonder if he knew exactly what he was doing.
Who knows maybe even suggesting to DSD that she could stay EOW in order to get her to move into her mum's house and now is saying to OP "if you don't want DSD staying here it's up to you to tell her".