Guest every other weekend

[Sampron20]

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP you don't have to put up with his bullshit.

@Spicypeanuts it sounds like OP thought she was giving him an ultimatum but it's backfired on her as now daughter thinks of it as her place as well as her dad. Don't be a pushover OP, no man is worth this.

Is anyone else concerned about the credit card debt? How much was this for?

For example, A 10% deposit on a £200000 house is £20000 which is a serious amount of debt on a credit card - the interest on that is huge. Has this been paid off, or is he coming to you with this debt? (Let me guess, he’s not paying rent to pay this debt off…). Putting this money on a credit card, however well meaning, shows financial irresponsibility.

Lots of us.

And as someone pointed out, bringing his debt to the OP's address could impact her credit rating, and bring with it some of what she wants to avoid vis a vis her previous experience of a man almost bankrupting her.

Tell him clearly his adult children can visit overnight once a month. That your conditions are non negotiable. she'll need to stay on a pull out bed in the sitting room or the sofa. And no house guests at all.

Your sons room is his. No conflict, it just is and always has been his.
Put a padlock on his room or better get someone in to fit a key lock on the handle.

Then remind his daughter that she's welcome now and again but lay down the guest rules as she seems the type to take as much and do whatever she pleases.

To be honest, if you are clear from the start ( you need to be) with her, lock your sons room and don't accept any bad behaviour or extra guests of hers. I think her enthusiasm to stay will pass pretty quickly.

He's weak. That's why he's in this mess. You'll have to be very clear. Start with a room lock for your son.

The other thing you'll need to pay attention to is things in your bathroom that might be precious and things you don't want her to go through. Papers, alcohol, expensive perfume. Just put it out of sight for a few months.

She's likely to try to assert herself reading your responses. She wants to follow her dad to his new place as dad is a pushover by the sounds of things. Then you'll have a much bigger problem.

I agree with this.

Prioritise your DS , their home needs to to calm and peaceful and he needs a nurturing supportive with 100% attention from you to guide him through his childhood / teenage years to adulthood.

He has already had a huge derailment with the breakdown of his original family and the insecurity he has with his own father. He has a lot to make up if you want his emotional well being to be secure.

He doesn’t need this anxious and disingenuous fool (the BF) moving in even if you never heard from or saw his DD.

You a bringing a RS which is on the rocks into your child’s home.

Why?

Why be preoccupied with this feckless fool - his values and behaviours sound totally at odds with yours….invest that time and attention on your DS. He needs it.

You can’t be in two emotional spaces at once. Choose your DS - give him the security of a calm and peaceful home with his DM 100% focused on him - so that he can grown to be the best emotionally stable adult.

@Sampron20 "I reminded him of his own reasons why he did not want that to happen. I also told him that I liked my own space, it would impact the time we had alone and that it wouldn't work. He then said we needed to try it. He did not want to fall out with her. She is his daughter and he's still a dad blah blah blah."

Actually, you don't need to try it. He doesn't want to fall out with his daughter but he clearly has zero issues falling out with you, the person putting a roof over his head about it. He has zero respect for you as he could have given you more than a few hours notice of this happening. He's making this your issue, your problem to resolve for him. He has a van packed? Tell him it's not going to your address to be unloaded.

If your relationship is strong, it will recover from this. If he was trying to pull a fast one, you're better off without him.

When she turns up op you go out and leave them to it. And when he realises it won't be you hosting he may change his mind.. And certainly no adult fun when she is there... Make sure the fridge is empty also. He is a prize twat. But you are ultimately a mug for allowing this to happen.

I wouldn't allow it either. It's disrespectful to your DS.

But!

Never ever let her to come in every second week and sleep in the lounge. DSD and your DP will be occupying it at the weekends and you will be exported to your own bedroom because you will never feel welcomed. Spending time in your own and resent all this situationship.

Guess how do I know that?

It's not worth it. With what I have been through, I would cancel his moving in. How can you trust him when he turns everything upside down last minute cos he thinks you have no choice. Oh yes you do. No man is worth it

Keep your house as it is, you will need it as your safe place to get away from both of them

This. The whole thing has "Awful situation that will impact badly on the OP and her child" written all over it.

He must have told his daughter your son will be away alternate weekends, leaving an empty room. He should have kept his mouth shut!
It is not too late at all to tell him your son’s room - his personal, private space - is not to be commandeered by his daughter and it’s none negotiable! Sod ‘try it and see’.

He's showing no respect for your house and he isn't even here. Stop. Stop loading the van, tell him that he can't come unless he is clear that your son's room is his room 100% of the time.

Inevitable she will be shagging in your dc's bed at some point isn't it?

I think you have to stick to your guns and not let DSD stay

Aha @custardcreme77 , he apparently even said 'we' will try it and see.

OP he's not the moon and stars. Stand up for yourself for a change and not be pushed over by your 'prize'.

It sounds like he’s backtracked on what you initially agreed as he can then turn it round on you when telling his dd why she can’t stay over therefore absolving himself of any wrongdoing! He certainly knows what he’s doing.

But you must not under any circumstances let this happen, this is your home for both you and your ds.

I seriously hope this works out for you op as it sounds like your dp has trouble saying no to his dd. And I suspect she’s got him exactly where she wants him, ie round her little finger.

This time next week she will have her own key and there will be bags of her stuff everywhere. Op will come home from work to find her holed up in the house, with dads say so and she will be causing a big issue about how op hates her and wants to see her homeless etc etc. Her mum won’t want her there for long and this has been planned all along. He will be getting up in the night to bring her back to ops, drunk and with random blokes on tow to stay over, making a mess and using up all food and drink without a thought, cos dad says so. OP will be back on here soon enough for episode 2

If she's early 20's and not at University then she should be working full time and possibly be living independently even if it's a houseshare.

If she was 18/19 or still at university then maybe I'd understand such an arrangement but obviously not the case.

Maybe she could stay occasionally on a blow up mattress in the lounge etc but not in your child's bed.

I don't see why she needs to stay over at all if she is reasonably local.

This honestly sounds like he's done this on purpose and it was his plan all along.

This is your DCs bedroom, not a guest room. It should be out of bounds completely when DC is not there.

I'd get a key / lock and tell him that it will be locked when your child is not there. He can like it or lump it.

I get the timing is off but this all sounds underhanded on his part and I'd be pulling out of this agreement. He can find somewhere else. His housing situation is not more important than your DC comfort and privacy and he obviously thinks very little of both if he actually thinks it appropriate for his daughter to use your DCs room.

Excellent post

And unless drama queen goes only holidays with OP, DP and DC lord knows what may happen if DP talks OP into letting her stay in the house.

Genuinely can’t see how any could think you were being unreasonable OP, I really can’t!

OP, you really cannot allow him to move in. You just can't.

@Duckingella apparently daughter does work fulltime on an okay salary

Oh gosh no! I’d have been horrified as a teen to have to share my room with an adult. Not a reasonable expectation at all. If she really wanted to stay I’d offer her the sofa.