Guest every other weekend

[Sampron20]

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

She's NOT her STEPDAUGHTER.

The OP isn't even living with her boyfriend yet, so calling his adult daughter a stepdaughter is wrong.

view his dire judgement around finances as yet another reason to keep him out of your home life.

FTFY.

OP, I suspect that you fear being single. I'm single, have been since 2018, and don't regret it. I too was faced with a "D"P challenging the limits I had set around my home. For me, it was a decision to prioritise DCat, rather than DC, over "D"P, but the principle is similar. When I wake up every morning with DCat next to me on the kingsize bed that I bought to accommodate ex-P's height, I know that I chose well.

My point is that you can be single and happy. You don't need a man in your life. You especially don't need one who is shit with money and won't be firm with his own kids.

Sell your home and buy another jointly, with more space. I know to some it would seem an adult child early 20s shouldn’t be residing with their parents, but it’s the norm now for many. Not many 20+ year olds can afford their own place so are staying with parents. Personally, I think you should cancel him moving in, and have a relationship which doesn’t involve you living together, so you both can set your own boundaries and make independent decisions about your own living arrangements.

I feel so sorry for you, OP. You thought it was all sorted and then - bam! Shot to pieces.

Your bloke must stay true to the initial agreement. He can't change the terms of the agreement like that and you can't have such mayhem in your home.

I'd be very concerned that he had capitulated to his daughter and I'd be wondering what else might be further down the tracks.

He chose his daughter over you, in circumstances when he had no right to even consider doing so. This does not bode well.

Don't do this!! Just say why do you think you can stay here? There's no room. Just drive home!
EVERY SINGLE TIME

Really?

Have you read the thread?

The OP would fund the larger house.

Long and short of it is, you don’t have the room to support this arrangement. There is no spare room to offer, it’s your DC’s and that’s not the same thing.

Perhaps as a compromise suggest, that given the circumstances it’s more practical if she stays over once a month?

That way at least he maintains that contact with his daughter and you also get a weekend to yourselves- if he isn’t prepared to compromise, then perhaps you do need to rethink him moving in, sounds like things could get tricky!

When he says, 'we need to try it', what he really means is 'you (and your son) need to 'try it').

If that's the Dad he wants to be, that's cool. But he needs to do it on his own dime, and in his own space.

Because it sounds like you and your DS have been through enough already, and your dimes, and your space, have been too hard fought for, and won. Which, I imagine, has scarred both of you. So don't give up that precious, hard fought for, peace of mind, and sovereignty of space, for this man and his trainwreck of a daughter that he has helped create and enable.

Rather don't unpack them...

The move is happening now, as I type this. So it is too late to back out. The convo about this happened last night. Again, all a bit too late in the day. I did not see a U turn on the horizon.

If it's too late to back out of the move, it's definitely too late for him to change the terms of the move unilaterally. You absolutely have to make it clear to him that if he's not prepared to accept your terms he doesn't move in, or (if he has already) that he moves straight out again.

It's blatantly obvious that his daughter views regular overnight stays as the first stage of her putting her foot back in the door, and every time she falls out with her mum or just fancies a change she will be turning up on your doorstep again expecting to stay. He can keep his relationship with his daughter going quite easily by meeting her during the daytime, either outside the house or maybe on the basis of short visits from her. When she lives only 5 miles away it's just ridiculous to expect to stay overnight. But him being a dad and wanting a relationship with his daughter absolutely cannot come ahead of your right to your own space and your son's right to keep his bedroom strictly to himself. If that's not acceptable to your partner, he will just have to work out his own alternative.

She lives 5 miles down the road she never needs to stay for any reason. Read the description of this adult child she's a bloody nightmare.

I don’t think I’ve missed anything (?) - but if his daughter is in her early 20s why does she have to stay at yours at the weekend if she lives with her mum?
surely she can just pop and see her dad for a few hours in the evening sometime or a meal out at the weekend ( or at a push the occasional Sunday lunch at yours?)
She must not stay in your son’s room. Why? Because it’s his! The idea of girl in her 20s coming every weekend with a back pack full of stuff is ridiculous.
Also - at the beginning of this thread you said you wanted this relationship to ‘go somewhere’ . I don’t understand. Why should a relationship when you have children have to ‘go somewhere?’ Surely it’s just enjoying each other’s company.
You seem to be quite insecure. Prioritise your son, focus on good healthy female friendships - and get a fulfilling, creative hobby.
living with this man will be so stressful!!

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia good choice about cat.

It seems like OP's partner already thinks her place is joint.

I know you won’t want to do this as your dp is just moving in and it should be a happy time, but he dropped this bombshell with the same timing and I’m not sure this wasn’t on purpose. You need to get this sorted asap. That’s your child’s space. If your dsd does stay then it needs to be the sofa/sofa bed, your room, not your dc’s room.

Blow up bed in lounge, I’m sure after a few times of putting on radio on a Sunday morning at 7am whilst making coffee she will get fed up.
deff no to your dd room, urgh stranger in her bed yuk

This is chaos.

You have been steamrolled and deceived by this fool.

He has reneged.

You need to renege.

He doesn’t have a back bone with his DD or his XW (always the ‘victim’?!?) - but he has a backbone to manipulate his way into your life.

If the RS was pants living apart it will be pant x100 under your roof.

He is a cockroach cocklodger who is now bringing his nonsense feckless life to your home 24/7 which will derail your own DS as you will be preoccupied trying to manage this constantly.

Get him gone.

Reclaim your home for your DS.

Good luck

It sounds like you are going to have a huge mess on your hands. He’s not changed from the person that allowed the situation to get so bad in the first place. He’s running from it now, but moving in with you but then allowing it to follow him.

He's really done a number on you hasn't he. Manipulation 101 - leave it to the last minute to change the narrative and make you feel you don't have any other other option so he gets what he wants anyway and knew he'd get right from the beginning.

She lives 5 miles away with her mother - she is in her early 20s - she doesn’t need an EOW deal with her DF at OPs house - unless that’s what the BF negotiated with the mother behind OPs back so mother would take her back.

She is a grown arsed woman working full time on a good salary why doesn’t she just rent like everyone else?

Why is your BF infantalising her? Whilst exploiting you?

He spent so many hours worrying about what was going on at home. Having to drive back and fore there at every created drama. Leaving early hours of the morning as she wanted to be picked up.*

I doubt very much any of that will change. He'll still be doing it when he lives with you. It's started already with the weekend stay demand.

Putting her in the lounge, as many are suggesting, is a terrible idea imo.

That gives prime opportunity for her to feel unwell and need an early night, or have a headache and need a lie in - basically setting the Op and her DP against each other further in an attempt to have control of the living space. Also gives prime chance for more pressure to be piled on for her to be allowed in one of the bedrooms.

@WateryDoom is exactly right.

no way is he moving in to my opinion and it is your home not a bloody hotel for his ADULT daughter to use for a partying flop house. Clearly she doesn’t stay with your DP every other weekend at his place, it says to me your house is in a much more desirable area for his ADULT daughters weekend escapades.

so sorry OP

Your child deserves so much better than this. Imagine having a whole new person in your home with all the adjustment he will have to make and then on top of that some strange immature and possibly drunk and smelly woman taking over his room when he is away at the weekend watching through his stuff. This is so unfair on him, if your partner wants to make a home for his daughter let him get on with it but to move into your home and take over, I would struggle to respect him. Think of the impact on your child he is in your life forever and the decisions you make now are so important. I hope you can work it out.

I think you need to nip this in the bud right now and tell him that if he cannot move in and live with you under the terms you previously agreed then he shouldn't bother unpacking and should start looking for alternative accomodation where he can entertain his daughter to his own detriment if he chooses but you will not tolerate her drama being brought under your roof.

If he is unable to accept no as your final answer then it may be time to consider your future together.

what will happen if your dc is home when dp dc thinks they’re staying.
Where will dp dc sleep - sofa bed in the living room.

Or maybe a sofa bed in the living room always for when they want to stay.