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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
Blueblell · 29/05/2023 19:01

She will be living 5 miles away and is in her 20,s. She doesn’t need to stay overnight. She can come over for dinner ect and then go home. I would just tell him that it isn’t necessary fir her to stay the night but that you will welcome her for socialising with you both. I would also say that your son won’t want someone staying in his room when he is not there and that he might not go every weekend that he is meant to anyway.

As his daughter is an adult I would be inclined to talk to her directly and say look your dad mentioned you want to stay every other weekend but it’s not going to work with my son ect and we would love to have you over but as you live so close I think there is no need to have an arrangement like this set in stone.

isthismylifenow · 29/05/2023 19:02

OP, don't let him bully you just because the van is packed. No such thing as too late the horse has bolted. He's moved in pretty fkn fast in one day. He can do the same in reverse.

FriendsDrinkBook · 29/05/2023 19:02

Nobody in this situation has appropriate boundaries op. And your child will be the one that suffers.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 19:03

He then said we needed to try it. He did not want to fall out with her. She is his daughter and he's still a dad blah blah blah.

Oh dear God.

OP I want to come over to where you are and give you a great big hug!

This is one shit show. You've tried to do the best by your son and yourself, but this guy is manipulating you.

Being her dad means standing firm and having rules. It means creating boundaries and not being a 'yes man'.

He doesn't need to fall out with her. He only has to say' this is @Sampron20 's house and she doesn't want you sharing her son's room. End of , love'.

Don't allow him to unpack the van. Tell him to find a B&B or leave his stuff in the van and find somewhere else tomorrow.

What do you see in him? Truthfully?

He's a financial disaster, he's weak, he lies, and manipulates you.
Please love, kindly, open your eyes.

isthismylifenow · 29/05/2023 19:03

Oops posted too soon...

Please listen to your gut.

BishopRock · 29/05/2023 19:04

Testina · 29/05/2023 19:00

You’re cross with him for having no backbone, but you don’t have one either.

True.

Shhhquirrel · 29/05/2023 19:04

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 29/05/2023 11:28

Of course it’s not too late. Keep you and your kids home to yourselves and date the boyfriend without the drudgery and steamrollery of moving him in to your kids home.

This, never too late to change your mind. The alarm bells are ringing.

Beelezebub · 29/05/2023 19:05

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 18:48

I reminded him of his own reasons why he did not want that to happen. I also told him that I liked my own space, it would impact the time we had alone and that it wouldn't work. He then said we needed to try it. He did not want to fall out with her. She is his daughter and he's still a dad blah blah blah.

Show quote history

“She’s his daughter…” - and? It’s your son’s room in your house! Tell him to get a bloody grip.

MeridianB · 29/05/2023 19:06

He then said we needed to try it. He did not want to fall out with her.

But he’s happy to fall out with you. He’s looking you in the eye and saying “She still comes first”. This is not what a loving partner does. He won’t change.

It’s never too late. He can go to a hotel. Put his stuff in storage, stay with friends. Don’t let this horrible cuckoo move in because it was too awkward to say no.

Checkandcheckagain · 29/05/2023 19:06

I could be completely wrong but it sounds as though your partner is insecure and is not getting the attention he wants. Perhaps he needs to feel heard and to know you care for him. You may also want his approval. Rather than concentrating on whats wrong you both could improve things by concentrating on understanding each other rather than becoming defensive with each other. Try being the person he needs and asking him to do the same.

Coralsunset · 29/05/2023 19:07

“We need to try it” He hasn’t finished moving in and he’s already dictating how your house is going to run.

OP you really have to woman up. Tell him he accepts this is not happening, or he moves all his stuff straight back out again.

I have a horrible feeling you are going to back down just to “keep your man” no major it affects DS. I really hope I am wrong.

Coralsunset · 29/05/2023 19:08

no matter how it affects DS

FriendsDrinkBook · 29/05/2023 19:08

@Checkandcheckagain insecure? He's a nasty manipulater. Plain and simple.

BastetsWhiskers · 29/05/2023 19:09

@Checkandcheckagain 😯 the person he needs??

He is moving into her house and expecting to set the rules

3BSHKATS · 29/05/2023 19:10

@Checkandcheckagain FFS. Just No.

Lindjam · 29/05/2023 19:10

@Checkandcheckagain are you posting on the wrong thread?

Gothambutnotahamster · 29/05/2023 19:12

It's not too late Op - you need to stop him moving in.

BishopRock · 29/05/2023 19:12

I have a horrible feeling you are going to back down just to “keep your man”

This is the vibe I'm getting. OP seems to have put up with playing second fiddle for years, when someone with better boundaries would have knocked the relationship on the head ages ago.

Instead, in an act of desperation, she suggests the man moves in, hoping he's going to have a personality change and start prioritising her. At the eleventh hour he makes it clear he'll still not be prioritising her, and OP let's him. Unable for some reason to say no.

MotherofTerriers · 29/05/2023 19:13

It's not too late
He timed it deliberately
The longer he stays the harder it will be to get him out

YukoandHiro · 29/05/2023 19:14

This is a very long and complex thread but I would not move in with someone who took our credit card debt just to fund a DC's house deposit. That's really extremely stupid. He's not sensible with money. I wouldn't entangle your lives any further tbh.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 19:14

Going back to your first post @Sampron20

feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. [????]
AIBU?

There should have been a question mark there. Because that's what you were asking. "Is it way too late?"

But now 99% of posters have said it's not too late, and now we know his history, what are you going to do?

Your entire thread has been a waste of bloody time if you are simply going to proceed with this arrangement.

It's gone from bad to worse.

Earlier, you said NO WAY.

Now, you are accepting LET'S TRY- from HIM!

IVbumble · 29/05/2023 19:14

It might help to show him this thread so that he may begin to understand the part he plays in enabling his adult DD to behave the way she does.

Rosesbloomingnow · 29/05/2023 19:16

I do hope this works out in the end, but you need to listen to your gut and do not allow DSD to stay in your son's room.
Your son might be there every weekend, the room is never empty - it is his room, end of story.
DSD has a home and has no need to stay at your house. If she was someone who behaved, I would suggest a sofa bed so she can stay, but after reading about her past behaviour I would certainly say no to having that person stay in my house ever again. She had the opportunity to have her own home and blew it, this is another reason to say no.
She needs to move into her own adult life, not try to push her way into her father's.
She has no need to live or stay with you.
You dont want to live with her, and you have been clear about that, your DP cannot force you into this and should not be trying to change what you both agreed prior to him moving into YOUR home.
Stick to your guns, no to DSD staying over, and I hope that you and DP enjoy living together once he has set boundaries with DSD. Part of parenting is saying no, and he needs to do that as a good parent. If I were your DP, I would not have even considered the idea for a moment.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 19:16

YukoandHiro · 29/05/2023 19:14

This is a very long and complex thread but I would not move in with someone who took our credit card debt just to fund a DC's house deposit. That's really extremely stupid. He's not sensible with money. I wouldn't entangle your lives any further tbh.

and the DD didn't buy a house but kept the money. You couldn't make it up.

Oh, hang on....

willWillSmithsmith · 29/05/2023 19:16

It is not too late. This would be a terrible situation and how awful for your ds to have to share his personal space even if it is when he’s away. Would your dp be ok with your sister and her dh (or whoever in the family) taking his room every other week? Please don’t accept this as it will pave the way for all sorts of other arrangements and decisions you don’t agree with. This sounds like a disaster in the making. I’d be having second thoughts, very serious second thoughts on the whole set up of him moving in.

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