Guest every other weekend

[Sampron20]

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

She lives 5 miles away!

Just say no when he asks if she can stay, or kick her out if she turns up. I know a woman who's husband has 4 little kids she won't allow over the threshold unreasonably so, but she still does it and is still married. Men will push their luck until they hit a boundry in my experience so this is yours. No drunk daughters. End of conversation.

@Sampron20 no no no no no you don't need to 'try' it. That's put me off your partner a bit. He used 'we' need to try it? Sod off with that

It’s not “awkward” timing.

Its deliberately controlling timing.

He’s absolutely relying on you being too polite to say “not happening”.

And then once he’s in the house it’ll be “well, she’s my DD so…”

You absolutely could stop it. It’s your house and he’s not entitled to be there.

But you won’t. And he knows that, and is relying on that.

Good luck @Sampron20 - I have a feeling you’re going to need it as he has no respect for your home already and he’s not even unpacked.

I know, but they both can't stay in the mother's house, so off they go to the B+B or Travelodge and enjoy each others company.

Just say that your child’s room is out of bounds but if the DSD wants to stop over now and again they can use a put you up in the living area (your DO can purchase one)

This isn't fair on you or your DC

How will your DC feel with somebody sleeping in their bed? I find it really odd that an adult daughter would even want to come over EOW

It also won't be long until she's shagging random ONS in you child's bed

Why is your partner now calling the shots?

Is Madam putting pressure on him?

Put your foot down on this. I wouldn't want the adult daughter coming over every wkend, sounds like she wants somewhere to doss

Your house, your rules. I'd put this move on hold if he doesn't like it

So he’s already backed down…

He’s using you to sort his problem with his DD.

Don’t do this to yourself and your son.

Just keep saying No. Don't agree to try, or anything else.
If he wants his adult to stay with him that badly he shouldn't have moved in. It's a room already in use and filled with your teens private stuff. She wants a doss house for occasional use. Put your foot down and don't waver

It will make staying all the more attractive to her, because this is about power and control. If she is forced onto a sofa bed, she’ll cause a drama and piss on her territory. Like make so much of a mess of the lounge and take it over that OP is forced into containing her in the son’s bedroom, or she’ll simply walk into it anyway. “for a daytime nap”. Read the posts. This is not about wanting to visit dad or having a place to sleep.

He did not want to fall out with her. She is his daughter and he's still a dad blah blah blah.

Was he not her father when he agreed to the rules?

Was he not worried about falling out then?

He's lied to you. Plain and simple.

Move in and then throw you and your child under his bus.

He's not a nice person.

Honestly I couldn't look at him never mind help him move in at this point.

I am really pissed off that he's reneged on the whole thing now at this stage. I genuinely thought he had grown a back bone and was trying to disengaged from what was an enraged shit show

But not pissed off enough to tell both him and DD to sling their hooks

You said upthread that there's no way you'd allow your DS to live in a difficult situation ever again, and yet here you are allowing someone who treats you like this to move in ... the whole thing's just beyond parody

I wonder if the ex wife has only agreed to have the daughter back if your boyfriend still has her part of the time. She should be in a house share if she's earning good money.

So, your dp is moving in with you, he and his daughter were living together until now. Because he is moving in with you, she is now having to go to her mothers.

They don't seem to have a good relationship from what you say, so reading this sounds like he is moving in with you as a way to no longer have to live with his dd.

But the dd still wants to be living with him when the opportunity arises, ie the weekend your ds is at his dad's.

Can you not see how this looks OP.? It would appear he is using moving in with you as an excuse to not house her, but is feeling guilty about it and agreed to the eow arrangement. At the 11th hour.

You are you ds lives are going to completely change now. And I can't see for the better as it seems you are introducing a whack loaf of stress into your home. YOUR HOME!

Is it worth it if the relationship was already becoming a bit stagnant. This is one hell of a route to take to see if it could really work.

(in going with it isn't worth the risk)

‘WE’ need to try it? what an absolute CF. I wouldn’t let him move in but you seem determined to screw up your life so…….

No means no. You don’t ‘need’ to do anything of the sort. She’s an adult with a home nearby.
He gets two choices. He can play happy families with his obnoxious daughter if he wants to facilitate her demands by moving out again and renting his own place. Or he can accept the perfectly reasonable boundaries you’ve already agreed, find his bloody backbone and tell her no

My DC often doesn't want to go to dads. Dad often screws around with the access agreed in the court order and cancels. It's highly likely that there will be an occasion almost straight away where DC is home when due to not be here

You're leaving it all the chance ? Really ?
You're being rail-roaded here big time

it really is shutting the door after the horse has bolted.

No, it isn't. You phone him up and tell him you have changed your mind about him moving in after he dropped the unilateral change of terms (aka bait and switch) about his DD on you last night and that you no longer trust him to respect your DS's space. You hang up, without giving him a chance to wheedle, you block his number, and you phone an emergency locksmith to get your house doorlocks changed.

And then you give yourself a few days or even weeks to mourn the relationship that you thought you had with a man that you thought you knew. Then you take the Freedom Programme. And then you take the Freedom Programme again.

This is really important. He has debt and no savings, plus a daughter who bleeds him dry.

He will now be living at your address, so please make sure your credit rating is not impacted by him - get a disassociation from him and check your credit record regularly for any applications in your name made by him or his D.

https://www.creditfix.co.uk/knowledge-hub/what-is-a-notice-of-disassociation/

Or - ideally - view his dire judgement around finances as yet another reason to keep him out of your home.

I actually do understand that you feel you can’t stop the train now.
But you need to prepare yourself.
Because you’ve just made it his home, not just yours. He’s going to argue that you’re unreasonable not to let him have his adult daughter over to stay in his home.
She’s already planning to stay.
She was living with him not mum for a reason - how long do you think it’s going to last drama free at mum’s?
You have to tell him that she can never stay over, and you have to mean it, and you have to commit to yourself that if he doesn’t agree - he moves back out.

I would pack his boxes right back up.

You’re cross with him for having no backbone, but you don’t have one either.

Op
I don't want to spoil what should be a happy event for you but be careful here. He doesn't sound like a prize at all and please don't be bullied in your own home.
If he brings it up again , tell him things need to settle down first with just you two before you would consider guests and then hopefully life will get in the way and he and she will 'forget' the whole idea/

It did cross my mind that DS might find partner's daughter amusing, if she's a pretty young adult getting up to mischief. I expect much less so if she was in his room and fiddling with his stuff.

You're going to have to be a lot stronger OP and state your case. I appreciate this was sprung (or is it sprang? Any grammar people correct me) on you last night.

Hey OP, you do seem to be getting criticism for your relationship choices which seem ok!

Looking at it from three perspectives… firstly yours.

I would absolutely not want this irresponsible DSD coming in drunk, bringing strangers to the house and using my child’s room. You’ve clearly worked hard to provide your own DC with a stable home and a 20 year old doesn’t get to compromise the psychological security of a resident child.

from your child’s perspective, it would be unsettling to know that someone has come into your room whenever you go away - especially if they do not respect the space which is anticipated.

From DSD’s perspective, it sounds like she’s really unsettled by the move from living with her dad to her mum and the change in relationship with her dad. She doesn’t need to stay with you if she will only be living five minutes away so she is saying this because she wants to stake a claim on her right to a relationship with her father. Putting boundaries in could actually be quite helpful to her understanding that relationship’s are not a one way street and to sustain them she needs to behave respectfully. What has your DP done to provide her with relationship security? Have the planned regular meet ups and special time together to help her with the transition? He should lead on this and try to support her through what is clearly a difficult experience for her. It shouldn’t fall to you and your dc to make such significant concessions but you should definitely try to include her in things like Sunday dinner or eating out to help her feel part of the family.

Good luck OP.

Remind him of his original agreement. He basically should have a choice between falling out with his fairly useless sounding daughter or falling out with you and finding somewhere else to live. I hope he's left daft than he sounds.