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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 29/05/2023 18:23

You sound very weak to allow this to happen. Tell him no to moving in, it's not too late. You're silly to allow it. Why wouldn't you put your daughter first? It's her room, not a crash pad for pissed up 20 year olds. Stand up for your daughter. It's your home.

3BSHKATS · 29/05/2023 18:27

I have a 10 year gap between my eldest and my youngest and no way would my oldest daughter come into the youngest space drunk and hung over, the little one would want the room fumigated and rightly so and they are blood relations. So disrespectful of the girl and her father.
Neither are the kind of people you want around your child in it's formative years.

Itsbeenalongwhile · 29/05/2023 18:28

OP, really sorry that you are greeting so many negative responses but in all honesty with everything that you have written PPs are right. He should not be moving in with you. You should not be allowing it to go ahead. He has backtracked on initial agreements, it is only going to get worse. You fought so hard for your son's safety... the moment he changed his tune, everything is you should have been screaming 'hell, no. This is not going to happen'.

I can't see this ending well. And I am really sorry. You sound nice and like you have thought about it all properly but you are letting your feelings let you walk into another crappy relationship.
What is the rush?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 29/05/2023 18:29

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/05/2023 18:15

The move is happening now, as I type this. So it is too late to back out. The convo about this happened last night. Again, all a bit too late in the day. I did not see a U turn on the horizon.

And that is exactly what he is relying on…

He’s making his daughter your problem.

If you let her stay in your DS’s room i doubt you’d get her back out - especially if her mum is stricter than her dad.

In your shoes I’d be telling him not to unpack his stuff and giving him two weeks to find somewhere else to stay.

This.

I’d be putting the breaks on this move right now op.

OneLittleFinger · 29/05/2023 18:29

I'm assuming this wouldn't work from what you say of your ex, but any chance your ds could change his weekend at the last minute and need his room? Just to underline to the dd that it's his room.

BreadInCaptivity · 29/05/2023 18:29

I don't understand why it is too late.

If he can move in he can move out.

He's the one that's changed the terms of the agreement at the 11th hour, not you.

Honestly him doing that would be a huge red flag for me. It's a massive breach of trust.

You child deserves their privacy and for their space not to be invaded by someone who neither needs it (given she live a with mum 5 mins away) or is likely to respect it.

There is no "trying this out".

It's a hard no.

His child sounds lacking in responsibility and self awareness.

That tends to happen when you are pandered to and poor behaviour is without consequence.

Your partner sounds to me like he wants to check out of the drama and leave you handle it.

Again - a hard no.

He tells his DD why she can't stay over. Why that is not an option.

At this point I'd seriously be considering LTB I'd be so cross with his u-turn.

Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 29/05/2023 18:30

This guy sounds more and more like a potential cock lodger who has another cock lodger in tow.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/05/2023 18:30

I will be putting my foot down. This will not be happening

What are you going to do? Have you told him he can’t move in?

BastetsWhiskers · 29/05/2023 18:36

OneLittleFinger · 29/05/2023 18:29

I'm assuming this wouldn't work from what you say of your ex, but any chance your ds could change his weekend at the last minute and need his room? Just to underline to the dd that it's his room.

That's a point actually, dad could be sick or away.

OP please make it very clear DS bedroom out of bounds. Have you spoken to him about it yet? Does he get on with partner's daughter?

Ultimately you want harmony, and respect for space. You bought the place so your word is final.

Is it your DS or DD? People keep saying different things!

UniversalAunt · 29/05/2023 18:37

Oops, just twigged that DC is a boy.

greyhairnomore · 29/05/2023 18:39

Floofydawg · 29/05/2023 12:29

The replies are interesting (and I do agree with them all). But when I posted something similar about 22yo SS wanting to come and stay part time post uni, I was mostly told that I was unreasonable.

This dsd is a nightmare though and wants to stay in OP's son's room.

coconutpie · 29/05/2023 18:40

Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 29/05/2023 18:30

This guy sounds more and more like a potential cock lodger who has another cock lodger in tow.

This.

BlackandGold · 29/05/2023 18:41

At the very least I hope you've put a lock on your son's room and are keeping the key safe somewhere only you know.

The whole thing sounds dreadful.

Original poster
Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 18:42

No not spoken about it to him yet as he is loading a van to move in here, dropping off sold furniture to buyers, moving stuff to DSD's mothers. It's bank holiday and we are all back in work tomorrow which is why this is being done in one day. This is why this is such akward fucking timing.

I appreciate everyone saying stop it now but it really is shutting the door after the horse has bolted.

My DC often doesn't want to go to dads. Dad often screws around with the access agreed in the court order and cancels. It's highly likely that there will be an occasion almost straight away where DC is home when due to not be here.

OP posts:
Carryonkeepinggoing · 29/05/2023 18:42

Set up a bed for her in the living room the first time she comes to stay. That will help establish your son’s room as off limits and make staying every single weekend less attractive to her.

coconutpie · 29/05/2023 18:44

As someone else said, it is not too late - if he can move in, he can move out. So it doesn't matter if he has not yet moved in and is due to move in today or tomorrow, or is due to move in next week or already has moved in. He can pack his bags and leave again.

You said that you put your foot down because you had had enough of him and all the drama so you asked for more commitment. What he is doing now is bringing all that drama into your home. So you will be worse off than before. I would not even allow his DC to stay for 1 night on the couch, she sounds awful and not someone you would want in your home. She is not your problem. Do not let him make her your problem. I wouldn't even allow her inside your front door, to be honest. She can see her father for a meal or a coffee or whatever but I would not allow her inside your home. And I would be telling your partner he can take it or leave it. Your house, your rules.

I think him moving in is a huge mistake. TBH, I think you'd be far happier to just LTB.

BishopRock · 29/05/2023 18:45

No not spoken about it to him yet as he is loading a van to move in here

So you've really had all day to stop him moving in if he's only now loading a van.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/05/2023 18:45

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

He sounds like a CF who has deliberately left this until the last minute to throw on you and is expecting you to be the one to have all the ‘difficult’ conversations with her.

What did you actually say when he dropped this bombshell?

BreadInCaptivity · 29/05/2023 18:46

Carryonkeepinggoing · 29/05/2023 18:42

Set up a bed for her in the living room the first time she comes to stay. That will help establish your son’s room as off limits and make staying every single weekend less attractive to her.

Why?

She has a proper bed 5 mins away at mums house?

She's in her 20's. Working. Been given a house deposit and pulled out of the sale.

She doesn't need to be accommodated.

She needs to be told about consequences.

coconutpie · 29/05/2023 18:46

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 18:42

No not spoken about it to him yet as he is loading a van to move in here, dropping off sold furniture to buyers, moving stuff to DSD's mothers. It's bank holiday and we are all back in work tomorrow which is why this is being done in one day. This is why this is such akward fucking timing.

I appreciate everyone saying stop it now but it really is shutting the door after the horse has bolted.

My DC often doesn't want to go to dads. Dad often screws around with the access agreed in the court order and cancels. It's highly likely that there will be an occasion almost straight away where DC is home when due to not be here.

Can I just say OP, that just because he is moving in now, you can still change your mind. Do you think you can't? You aren't signing your life away here. If you decide after 1 day, 1 week, 1 month or 1 year that it is not working out, you can tell him to leave.

Do not allow his daughter in the front door and tell him that he is not allowed to give her a key, under any circumstances. If he doesn't like it, he can pack his bags tomorrow.

Original poster
Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 18:48

Shinyandnew1 · 29/05/2023 18:45

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

He sounds like a CF who has deliberately left this until the last minute to throw on you and is expecting you to be the one to have all the ‘difficult’ conversations with her.

What did you actually say when he dropped this bombshell?

I reminded him of his own reasons why he did not want that to happen. I also told him that I liked my own space, it would impact the time we had alone and that it wouldn't work. He then said we needed to try it. He did not want to fall out with her. She is his daughter and he's still a dad blah blah blah.

OP posts:
BastetsWhiskers · 29/05/2023 18:48

@Sampron20 just leave it for today then as you'll all be exhausted. The decision isn't irreversible. It will be your partner's home for the time being, if not his property, and you obviously care about him. It is not his daughter's home though, except from somewhere she should be welcomed for a visit. Not at 2am however.

How does DS feel about this, does he get on with DP?

Shinyandnew1 · 29/05/2023 18:49

He then said we needed to try it.

Thats the point I would have told him not to move in.

Daleksatemyshed · 29/05/2023 18:49

I know it feels too late for the move but it's by no means too late to put a stop to the situation with his daughter. Just tell him No Op, you've been let down by his last minute change of heart but you don't have to agree _ it's YOUR house, he doesn't get to change his mjnd

MinxieMax · 29/05/2023 18:49

Since you can't or won't change existing plans, then say NO she is not staying here under any circumstances. I am not stopping you seeing each other so get a room in the Travel Lodge down the road any time she wants to see you. Bye now, them's the rules honey.