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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 17:55

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 17:48

He raised it on credit cards and selling stuff.

She raised £1000 towards it but then said it was stressing her out to much and affecting her mental health.

Show quote history

So he is still financially illiterate?

Taking out a CC loan to give his DD a house deposit- which she has squandered and not repaid - and is still on his credit card?

Why would he take out a loan (on credit cards) to give a early 20s DD a house deposit? Most young people work hard and save. Yes, parents help out f they can but not by getting themselves into debt in the process.

Honestly OP give your head a wobble as they say!

He sounds a walking disaster and he's taking you to the cliff edge with him.

SophieJo · 29/05/2023 17:55

I hope you take note of the advice on here and don’t rush into anything you might deeply regret.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 29/05/2023 17:55

And your mh certainly won't be taken into account with the set up that has obviously been planned for some time op. Or that of your dc either.

Mydusa · 29/05/2023 17:57

It's not too late, he can move straight back out again. DS needs a lock on his door, for his own reassurance if nothing else.

Also make it very clear she is not to have a house key.

BishopRock · 29/05/2023 17:57

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 17:48

He raised it on credit cards and selling stuff.

She raised £1000 towards it but then said it was stressing her out to much and affecting her mental health.

Show quote history

OP,

You said your ex husband just about bankcrupted you.

Why is this man raising money on cards and selling stuff to give his daughter a deposit not a massive red flag for you?????

Why is him and his ex wife being crap with money not a massive red flag?????

It's still not too late OP. It really isn't.

FairAcre · 29/05/2023 17:58

I think people are genuinely concerned for you and it comes across as giving you a bit of a hard time. You have protected your assets in case things don't work out so you are doing the right things. You do need to lay your cards on the table before things go further though. Start as you mean to go on. It is non negotiable that your child gives up their room at the weekend. It is completely out of order that he thinks it is acceptable for his daughter to turn up drunk and sleep off a hangover in your child's room. Just be firm. Good luck.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 18:00

She raised £1000 towards it but then said it was stressing her out to much and affecting her mental health

Completely pathetic of his DD. Stressing her to try to save a house deposit.

He gives in to her and gets himself in debt as well.

Run OP while you can.

maddening · 29/05/2023 18:00

I would say he needs to stick to what was agreed or you need to pause moving in and consider renting out your house and rent a 3 bed so dp can provide a space for his, albeit adult, child as what he has now decided the arrangement should be does not work.

butterpuffed · 29/05/2023 18:05

Perhaps it's more that, rather than being manipulative, he is actually scared by his DD [almost had a breakdown due to her you said] , giving her money he cannot afford ,agreeing not to let her stay at yours then changing his mind , which could have been instigated by her .

If this is the case, it's a red flag in itself .

ButterCrackers · 29/05/2023 18:07

Can he stay living where he lives now? Your daughters room is not his property. Your place belongs to you.

Runaway1 · 29/05/2023 18:07

I can’t believe you’re going to put your dc through this.

Doodar · 29/05/2023 18:11

You’re crazy taking him in. The drama with his Dd won’t stop. He’s a cocklodger. Also very odd at his age to not have a penny. Run for the hills

CuddlesPleaseTiddles · 29/05/2023 18:12

she is his daughter. It is perfectly normal for his child to come and stay, even if as an adult. Being an adult doesn’t mean you stop staying at your parents as and when you like to. At least not in my culture. The father should either not move in with you or you should accept the fact that he has a child. Just like he accepted yours. Thats how I would see it, and I would never consider moving in with someone being hostile to my child, adult or kid. For the moment, you should not go onwards with the move and just stay partners, so much easier when everyone has their own freedom and space. Imagine if tables were reversed, would you have liked to be told every two weeks it is too much for your DC to stay with you?

Northernparent68 · 29/05/2023 18:14

Does your son get on with your partner ?

Clymene · 29/05/2023 18:15

CuddlesPleaseTiddles · 29/05/2023 18:12

she is his daughter. It is perfectly normal for his child to come and stay, even if as an adult. Being an adult doesn’t mean you stop staying at your parents as and when you like to. At least not in my culture. The father should either not move in with you or you should accept the fact that he has a child. Just like he accepted yours. Thats how I would see it, and I would never consider moving in with someone being hostile to my child, adult or kid. For the moment, you should not go onwards with the move and just stay partners, so much easier when everyone has their own freedom and space. Imagine if tables were reversed, would you have liked to be told every two weeks it is too much for your DC to stay with you?

It depends on the child.

He is moving out as he could not cope with her any more. She was making his life very stressful to the point where it thought he was going to have a breakdown. Not paying her way, strangers in the house all the time. Smoking in the house, going through his things. Asking for money constantly. Refusing to be clean and tidy to the point of filth. Lying around in bed all day. Calling him for lifts early hours of the morning in the weekends.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/05/2023 18:15

The move is happening now, as I type this. So it is too late to back out. The convo about this happened last night. Again, all a bit too late in the day. I did not see a U turn on the horizon.

And that is exactly what he is relying on…

He’s making his daughter your problem.

If you let her stay in your DS’s room i doubt you’d get her back out - especially if her mum is stricter than her dad.

In your shoes I’d be telling him not to unpack his stuff and giving him two weeks to find somewhere else to stay.

RoseRobot · 29/05/2023 18:17

It's not a dosshouse. Say she can stay on the sofa from time to time if she likes. Or ask him to buy a good quality sofa bed to replace your current sofa if necessary. And fresh bedding, a new duvet and pillows for her, with a storage unit.

I'd want her to feel welcome - and other guests of his too, as it is now his home - he's not your lodger, so he should feel comfortable inviting family to stay. But not in your DC's room. No way.

BastetsWhiskers · 29/05/2023 18:17

CuddlesPleaseTiddles · 29/05/2023 18:12

she is his daughter. It is perfectly normal for his child to come and stay, even if as an adult. Being an adult doesn’t mean you stop staying at your parents as and when you like to. At least not in my culture. The father should either not move in with you or you should accept the fact that he has a child. Just like he accepted yours. Thats how I would see it, and I would never consider moving in with someone being hostile to my child, adult or kid. For the moment, you should not go onwards with the move and just stay partners, so much easier when everyone has their own freedom and space. Imagine if tables were reversed, would you have liked to be told every two weeks it is too much for your DC to stay with you?

But the OP's son is at a critical teenage stage where he's starting to establish independence and needs privacy.

The property belongs to OP and is 2 bedroom. The partner's daughter wants to take over OP's child's room when he isn't there, by the sound of things a crashpad for coming back drunk.

It's not a question of shutting her out, she could come round for meals etc.

Americano75 · 29/05/2023 18:18

Oh fuck this, absolutely all the no! And you've to lay down the law to her? Yeah, very good pal.

Theredjellybean · 29/05/2023 18:19

I just cannot get around the act he is moving into YOUR home and you had already said NO or you thought you had BOTH AGREED NO to his daughter using it as her party crash pad alternate weekends..when he gaily moves in and in and say so DD daughter will be living here every other weekend...IT IS NOT HIS HOUSE TO DECIDE THESE THINGS
While i cans ee oyu wanting to help him/rescue him and the situation seems rather au fait compli ....i would just say up front and straight out..' I asked you to move in, not your dd, she is welcome as a guest when we invite her but she is not living here, it is not her home to pick and choose when she stays, you need to tell her straight to wait to be invited and if that doesnt suit you or her you will need to make alternative living arrangements'

Testina · 29/05/2023 18:19

@RoseRobot have you read all the OP’s posts? Nice fresh bedding for her to dump on the floor unwashed after she’s blocked the living room all day lounging around under it with a fag in one hand and a random bloke’s hand in the other? Because that’s what it sounds like to me.

BishopRock · 29/05/2023 18:20

RoseRobot · 29/05/2023 18:17

It's not a dosshouse. Say she can stay on the sofa from time to time if she likes. Or ask him to buy a good quality sofa bed to replace your current sofa if necessary. And fresh bedding, a new duvet and pillows for her, with a storage unit.

I'd want her to feel welcome - and other guests of his too, as it is now his home - he's not your lodger, so he should feel comfortable inviting family to stay. But not in your DC's room. No way.

She lives with her mother five miles away? Why would an adult woman need to sleep on OP's sofa when she lives a short distance away?

BungleandGeorge · 29/05/2023 18:21

It’s your house and your child should not have to share their bedroom. He ran around after his daughters every whim before, unfortunately I think he’s shown that isn’t going to change. Hopefully he can be a better partner than he has been a parent

Theredjellybean · 29/05/2023 18:22

also OP you do realise that this new arrangements will not stop the drama.
She will still be ringing for lifts, asking for money, and causing drama from her mothers ...infact i would put a bet on it getting much worse now she doesnt have dad at her immediate beck and call and he has switched priority to you

3BSHKATS · 29/05/2023 18:22

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 17:55

So he is still financially illiterate?

Taking out a CC loan to give his DD a house deposit- which she has squandered and not repaid - and is still on his credit card?

Why would he take out a loan (on credit cards) to give a early 20s DD a house deposit? Most young people work hard and save. Yes, parents help out f they can but not by getting themselves into debt in the process.

Honestly OP give your head a wobble as they say!

He sounds a walking disaster and he's taking you to the cliff edge with him.

Show quote history

I'm sorry I do not believe a word of that story.