Guest every other weekend

[Sampron20]

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

It really really isn’t too late

This is exactly what you have done @Sampron20

@Sampron20 in relation to this piece in one of your posts:
"The move is happening now, as I type this. So it is too late to back out. The convo about this happened last night. Again, all a bit too late in the day. I did not see a U turn on the horizon."
It is most definitely not too late to back out now.

Your partner can find alternative accommodation. Something. Anything. A hotel for a few nights until he can find something that is more suitable to his requirements. Your place is not that.

Can I ask how long ago your partner put this suggestion to you? Was it quite recently? If your partner can spring something like this on you, you can equally say "After a lot of deep thinking and consideration, I would prefer to go back to the arrangement we had where you had your own place and me and DS have ours. While this might be awkward for a while, I think it's best overall"

I feel like you've fallen victim to the sunk cost fallacy. This man doesn't prioritise you and doesn't make you feel like you're the centre of his world. But because you've been involved with him for a long time, you feel like you need to do something to change things to make you happier. So you invited him to move in with you in the vain hope that this would change the dynamic of him always putting his awful adult child before you.

Nothing with change. Because he hasn't changed, you've made the change but he's done nothing. Deeds not words. You're flogging a dead horse here. He's always, always going to put her first and always put up with her shit.

Walk away. This must be an absolute dealbreaker. If not for you, for your teenage child who deserves so much better than to have this chaos brought into their home.

I wasn't happy to be playing second fiddle for the foreseeable future.

Honestly? I don't think him moving in is going to change that at all.

I think this change of decision (decision! He has DECIDED something about your house - about your son's personal and private space! He has decided something despite knowing full well that it is your house, and that you had already said no. Please, please I'm begging you here, please let that sink in.

You're already playing second fiddle in the co-living arrangements, and he hasn't even been living with you for 24 hours yet! Nothing has got better, you're just in a MUCH worse situation than you were yesterday!

Kick. Him. Out. tonight, at the very least. Perhaps that will drive home to him that he's still bringing the drama into your home, he's still treating you as second fiddle to drama and that you're not going to tolerate it. Perhaps it will give you the space to see this all clearer.

@UniversalAunt read the rest of the OP's posts. It gets much worse.

You felt like the other woman in the relationship because he has a massively inappropriate and fucked up relationship with his daughter. They are codependent on each other and he cannot and will not be able to withdraw enough from his role as father and quasi-lover to form a real, healthy, adult, relationship with you. Its not going to happen. He responded to a threat from you because he will always respond to pressure but he backslid as soon as the more important woman in his life insisted that she wanted him to. You will never be his priority. He prefers the chaos of his relationship with his chaos muppet of a daughter. Someone upthread referred to the Drama Triangle and its important to remember that each person: rescuer, victim, persecutor gets something they value when they play their role. Maybe up to now you have enjoyed the rescuer position but it was an illusion. He will rocket from victim of you to victim of her in the blink of an eye.

@LookItsMeAgain makes the point succinctly. It's not too late to stop him from moving in, because just last night critical new information came to light that is an absolute dealbreaker.

An indeed courtesy of this thread critical new insights are emerging in real time. I really hope at least some of the more important ones are sinking in, OP. xxx

He spent so many hours worrying about what was going on at home. Having to drive back and fore there at every created drama. Leaving early hours of the morning as she wanted to be picked up. I got to the point that I had a titsfull of the situation. His mental health was declining due to home, I was constantly feeling pushed out by the drama always taking priority every damn time we actually spent time together

Well, this isnt going to change just because he's moved in with you is it? This is the dynamic he is in with his daughter and this will stay the same so how is him living with you going to fix this??!! All it means is, he'll be now be driving during the early hours from YOUR house to pick her up from wherever drunken place she is.

I really worry for you if you think him moving in will mean you wont ever feel pushed out by drama again. Literally everyone in this thread can see that but you. The drama will continue, only it will be in YOUR house now instead of his.

A co-hab agreement is the only sensible way to move in together without being married. When DP and I move in together we’ll have one to ensure that my assets are protected and she we have it written out what happens if we split. Anyone who moves in together and has assets and doesn’t have one is extremely foolish

Basically this. Nothing is going to change OP. Family dynamics dont miraculously change just because their physical location changes.

@Summertimesmile We've moved on from that post ages ago. I was querying her choice of phrase. I know exactly what it is and it's called a Deed of Trust. Many couples have them now. I wanted to be sure the OP knew about them.

Imo he is still insisting you are second place in his priorities.. But now in your own home...
Big massive regrets lie ahead for you op.

Absolutely do not go ahead with this man moving in.

He will back track with others for an easy life and let you suffer.
the bedroom isn’t yours to share, it’s your DCs and why on earth should he have to share it with an adult that has a home but wants to use his bedroom as a doss house?

If you do agree to her staying over then it should be the sofa, but her staying every other weekend when you don’t have DC isn’t on! Tell her she can use the sofa the weekend DC is there because you want alone time when he’s not there!

@DeliciouslyDecadent

Not avoiding just keeping up with the comments.

He and his wife never bought, always rented. Spent beyond their means and he come away with just the clothes on his back.

Along comes adult child who he is then supporting both on a single man's salary.

He got divorced eight years ago. His single salary would not support buying in our area. Also, his age even then would have meant a significantly shortened lending period, increasing the unreachable further.

No secrets, just basic life and cost of living preventing a house buy.

You're going to have to fight to protect you and DS' home now :(

So his daughter is fairly bright (educationally)? Is she looking for work/on UC?

She works full time now and on a pretty decent salary for her age too.

Thanks for your update on his finances.

Look, you've been given a hard time here today. It's coming with the best of intentions from posters who are genuinely worried about your future.

You said he had adult children (more than one) and was supporting them on his income. So the mother wasn't working?

He/they spent beyond their means. That doesn't bode well- a man who's useless with money.

In all honesty, what's the attraction with him?

There seem to be so many red flags and a complicated set of baggage around him.

You are now exposing your own child to this shit show which will continue under your roof.

Why? Please re-think and listen to people's suggestions. They aren't out to hurt you- just trying to help you making a huge mistake.

So if he's on such a strict tight budget how did he give his daughter deposit money for a property? and if she's in a well paying job, where is it?

Ah OK, that's one good thing - time for her to be independent then!

She can meet your partner to do nice things but DS room off limits. Locksmith pronto.

He raised it on credit cards and selling stuff.

She raised £1000 towards it but then said it was stressing her out to much and affecting her mental health.

Crumbs, OP.

You are absolutely nuts to have suggested he move in.

And nuts not to have stopped it when he backtracked yesterday.

And nuts not to have listened to the people on this thread who said it isn't too late.

All you've done is bring the drama right into your home for your child to experience as well.

If you wanted him to show a backbone he needed to do it at his own place, so you could see it first before making any suggestions about him living with you.

Be prepared for a whole load more drama, and you won't be able to get away from it this time.

I think you've been really foolish OP.

And I'm also a poster wondering why you're ignoring questions about why a man in his forties or thereabouts has no money or equity.

At least you didn't buy a separate place and put in the deposit, that would have been unhinged.

So basically if she comes to stay you're out the frying pan and into the fire. He's still prioritising his adult daughter and now you'll be paying for it.

Fuck. That.

Its very concerning he got into credit card debt to give cash to his daughter who then presumably frittered it away? He sounds awful with money and incredibly gullible

Has the daughter seen anyone about her MH? It does sound like they're codependent at present.

You do need to be firm with your partner and say that your place will not be used as a crashpad at the expense of your relationship and DS privacy.