Guest every other weekend

[Sampron20]

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

He literally told you the day before moving that the goal posts have been changed ie. DSD staying over every other wknd.
That is a big change from what it was originally agreed.
He didn't change his mind yesterday when he told you.
He told you yesterday bc he knew "it would be too late".
It was on his mind well before yesterday. Oruginally he told you what you wanted to hear. I wonder what he told his daughter.
Tell him that the original agreement stands, she is not staying over. OP, if she stays once she 'll do it all the time.
She 'll go through you don stuff, she 'll smoke and she'll leave the place a mess, that I can promise.
Dad is at fault here for not setting boundaries.

We did have a conversation about me selling up and getting one big place but I said no. I was not willing to put my own money into a larger property to subsidise his adult child as she refuses to be independent. I told him straight this was never an option for the table and it was a hard No. I was not willing to increase my lending so much later in life.

This suggests he has no equity.
The bigger house would be funded by you rather than 50-50.

Is that right?

Why has he little money when he's in his 40s or older?

He gave some to his daughter- what about his own situation?

i think you possibly need to rethink moving in together soon. And it’s never too late to change your mind about this.
What does your teen think about someone else in their room.
That could well be the deciding factor.
Just say no

If he has done an about turn on his DD staying what’s to stop him doing an about turn on signing the legal agreement?

"The relationship needed to either end or move forward with the next natural step."

@Sampron20

So why is this the 'next natural step'? I can see this for a young couple who want to build a home and have a family together. But for two mature adults who have already had their children and established their own homes, why is living together a necessity? Especially when there are children (young or adult) involved. And 'doubly especially' when there are already problems visible on the horizon!

You can share a life and still maintain separate homes. I know of any number of couples who 'live together apart', spending the majority of their time together in one or the other home, yet still having 'me time' in their own space and homes for their children to visit or move back into in times of need. Yes, I know 'two can live as cheap as one', but at what cost and why should they if both can afford to maintain their own residences?

I think you need a frank conversation with him about his relationship with his kids. So I don't think it's out of order for a parent to provide a room for an early 20s adult. Clearly this DD was living with him for a while so there was some expectations there on his side about parenting and providing for her, given he has offered to help out etc.
It's also not reasonable for fair for your DC to have someone sleeping in their room on a regular basis, occasionally is fine of course. But if she's there regularly will she want space for clothes etc?
Frankly you need a 3 bed place if you are to accommodate both kids. And if you are not then he needs to be on board with that. And what it means for his family

@nevynevster Have you read the OPs posts? The daughter lives with her mother. She's not homeless. She is early 20s and works- so no reason why she can't find a house share with other people if she isn't happy living with her mother.

Interesting question.

I would recommend you read up on boundaries op. This man is trampling all over yours because he has none himself being unable to stand up to his dd. As someone else said, you’re being made into the unreasonable one, who is standing in the way of his daughter.

The situation fits neatly into the Karpman drama triangle. You are at risk of him and his dd dragging you round in circles within the triangle. You’ll be the persecutor btw with either one of them as the victim or rescuer depending on the circumstances. Then when you try to stand up for yourself, you’ll feel like the victim and one or both of them as the persecutor and switch quickly back to victim again. Idk if he will be the rescuer. Possibly, to placate you and to reach a compromise. https://www.makingbusinessmatter.co.uk/drama-triangle/

Welp, that was a heck of a dripfeed! (I appreciate unintentional)

I don't care if it IS moving day today, you can still 100% tell him it's not going to work with this new information coming to light and can he go back and stay at his tonight (then for as long as you want him to while you work this all out). Changing his mind on this on moving day/the night before moving day is a HUGE red flag, and I'm worried that you might not be seeing it as this. It's still YOUR home, and YOUR ground rules need to be respected by both him and his daughter. She has very clearly proven that she doesn't respect ground rules set by her dad, so why on earth would she respect any set by either of you?

He has already been won around by his daughter. He's trying to win you around to what she wants. This is going to be a nightmare for you from day 0.

On to the solicitors - I don't think you need the contract or whatever in place because I don't think you should let him move in at all, based on this. IF you go ahead regardless, I think you need to make provision for what happens if it goes tits up - in all honestly I think you need to be able to kick him and his daughter out legally with very little notice if it comes to it - and I think you need to be able to understand how much power you have and what you would actually be able to do if they refuse and end up as squatters - this isn't hyperbole. I think you will also need something in writing and signed by both you you around overnight guests (including family) and the use of your son's room (i.e. it CANNOT be used by anybody except your son and his guests) - buy a sofa bed for the lounge), and something to cover the fact that any of her living expenses are entirely his responsibility not your joint ones (i.e. he buys her food, cigarettes, whatever entirely outside of your joint finances). To be honest you could do with seeing a financial advisor by yourself before the solicitors meeting and telling them everything.

But really. RED FLAG for him. He still CAN go back to live in his rented place tonight until you've had a think, even if most of his stuff is moved in. Heck, he can stay in a hotel if necessary. But for goodness sake have your boundaries extremely clear about this.

Yes it would have been my money as a deposit so it was a no from me.

"DSD lived with dad. He is moving out as he could not cope with her any more. She was making his life very stressful to the point where it thought he was going to have a breakdown. Not paying her way, strangers in the house all the time. Smoking in the house, going through his things. Asking for money constantly. Refusing to be clean and tidy to the point of filth. Lying around in bed all day. Calling him for lifts early hours of the morning in the weekends. Drama. Constant drama."

So he's bringing all this drama to YOUR door because he cant cope with her? Just NO.

Just so we're all on the same page: It is ENTIRELY unreasonable towards the teen for the "stepdaughter" who has a history of smoking inside against house rules, stealing and going through other people's things, to be sleeping in his bed/room every other week. It will be a gross invasion of his privacy and it sounds quite likely that he could have things stolen from his own room. No, no, NO.

@Sampron20 Can I ask (kindly) why you are avoiding any answers to what appears to be a big difference in yours and his finances?

He rents although he gave his DD a house deposit (which she didn't use and has hung onto.)

I think there is something you are hiding because I've queried this several times and you won't answer.

That's your choice! But it's a very big part of this situation.

As almost single poster here says he should not move in, what are your thoughts on it now?

neither of them would be coming near my house

Tbh, living apart often made me feel like I was the other woman and it caused problems. It come down to me explaining that after so many years together I should not be feeling like I'm the other woman and that something needed to change as the relationship wasn't going anywhere.

He spent so many hours worrying about what was going on at home. Having to drive back and fore there at every created drama. Leaving early hours of the morning as she wanted to be picked up. I got to the point that I had a titsfull of the situation. His mental health was declining due to home, I was constantly feeling pushed out by the drama always taking priority every damn time we actually spent time together.

It was a case I guess of me saying move the commitment along or this is going nowhere.

I wasn't happy to be playing second fiddle for the foreseeable future. And for anyone who is concerned I was asking to be his priority. I certainly wasn't. I was fed up getting the crumbs left from all the time, effort and everything else his daughters constant demands left behind.

He said he realised when I put my foot down how bad things at home were and how much impact they had on all of us.

Tbh I am really pissed off that he's reneged on the whole thing now at this stage. I genuinely thought he had grown a back bone and was trying to disengaged from what was an enraged shit show.

So you've brought the shitshow to your own home now.

What @Clymene said.

I’d be putting a strong lock on your DC’s bedroom door and make sure it’s locked any time your DC is not in their room.

Or better still, hard as it would be I’d be telling your DP that it is not going to work out and very sorry but he needs to make alternative living arrangements.

He spent so many hours worrying about what was going on at home. Having to drive back and fore there at every created drama. Leaving early hours of the morning as she wanted to be picked up.

I was fed up getting the crumbs left from all the time, effort and everything else his daughters constant demands left behind.

And you didn't see all of this as massive red flags?

You are mad to let this man move into your house. He's expecting you to indulge and/or manage the behaviour of his woman-child daughter in circumstances where he has failed to do the same. Even if you say no, you'll end up with his cutting her a key and her just turning up while you are out. You are putting your son in a position where his own space is being put up for grabs by 2 virtual strangers, one of whom will be living in his home full time and emotionally blackmailing his mother. You are not protecting your son's wellbeing because that has already been compromised by this impecunious father-failure of a man to moving in. You don't even sound sound like you like this man, and I don't know how you can have any respect for him, given what you have said about him here. FGS, get rid, now!

Is he single?

Or still married but not yet divorced?

Is that why he has no home of his own, other than renting (or moving in with you?)

Why on earth after coming our of an abusive relationship are you involved with a man like this? (there are plenty more fish out there.)

What a mess.

Re-read your last paragraph.
Then read it again.
He changed the agreement - when he knew it would be very difficult for you to say no.
How much harder do you think it will be to get rid of him in 6 months time ?
You should just tell him - this isn't what you wanted

I would be walking, no, running away from all this drama. Not moving him in and as for keeping your space he will cave in in due course then you have the drama under your own roof.
If dsd is as you describe her I can't see her mum putting up with her. I certainly wouldn't tolerate that from my dc.

Not read through the entire post as I am propelled to comment that his tactical shift in understanding about your DD’s space is 🚩.

This to me is a ‘thin end of wedge’ gambit.

His attitude to your daughter is critical, this is her home & you her only mother, & he’s moving the ‘furniture’ about.

I say that you do not yet know enough about his & his family dynamic, so it’s time to slooow everything down.

You mentioned that you had a hunch that some issues may arise, & this is now so. Maybe time for a rethink about merging homes & families?