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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
OooYoureHard · 29/05/2023 15:28

You're off your head

ChristmasFluff · 29/05/2023 15:29

I don't understand how you didn't lose all respect for him when you discovered he was utterly incapable of parenting his child - adult or no.

And now he pulls this manipulative stunt??

I'm pretty sure the next thing will be all sorts of hold-ups on him signing the agreement that protects you - if he ever does.

billy1966 · 29/05/2023 15:36

You are uneasy because you are letting a grifter move in.

You are most certainly not putting your son first, don't kid yourself.

You are going against your gut to move in a man of no property who the night before has added his feral adult daughter to the mix.

Your poor son.

Another women putting a man ahead of her own child.

You will see the real him soon enough.

He's a manipulater and you have fallen for it🙄

Poor boy.

Original poster
Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 15:40

Mirabai · 29/05/2023 14:28

If he had money to give his DD for a deposit on a flat why didn’t he buy one himself? Or does he see you as his meal ticket?

Why is he so impecunious at his age?

We felt after the length of time we have been together, the next move was to live together. The relationship needed to either end or move forward with the next natural step.

We did have a conversation about me selling up and getting one big place but I said no. I was not willing to put my own money into a larger property to subsidise his adult child as she refuses to be independent. I told him straight this was never an option for the table and it was a hard No. I was not willing to increase my lending so much later in life. I was also not willing to live with his adult child. Again, I was very clear on this and explained the reasons for this. IE I could not put up with the behaviour or mess.

OP posts:
YerArseInParsley · 29/05/2023 15:40

@Sampron20

Omg, no! That's your child's bedroom, the stepkid/adult has her own room elsewhere. I wouldn't be doing anything for your partner to make a claim on your home either. How old is his daughter?

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 29/05/2023 15:45

If he's not on the same page with you, as in done a 180 on moving in day, you need to tell him to not unpack as he's going to have to go if he's backtracking.

Your agreement still stands; if he's changed his mind, then so have you and you're not having him live with you.

You were foolish to let him move in before you got the legal agreement in place, too ... he's likely to reneg on this, too.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 29/05/2023 15:47

He's changed the goalposts since you agreed he could move in... because he doesn't want to upset his DD? Bloody cheek! Doesn't mind upsetting you or your DC though does he
Personally I'd put a stop to moving in this weekend until he understands your house, your rules and any doubts I would stay as you have been

BurntOutGirl · 29/05/2023 15:48

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 15:40

We felt after the length of time we have been together, the next move was to live together. The relationship needed to either end or move forward with the next natural step.

We did have a conversation about me selling up and getting one big place but I said no. I was not willing to put my own money into a larger property to subsidise his adult child as she refuses to be independent. I told him straight this was never an option for the table and it was a hard No. I was not willing to increase my lending so much later in life. I was also not willing to live with his adult child. Again, I was very clear on this and explained the reasons for this. IE I could not put up with the behaviour or mess.

Show quote history

However... you are now going to be doing exactly that unless you have told DP no???

Have you spoken to him yet?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 29/05/2023 15:50

God reading your update just NO

pikkumyy77 · 29/05/2023 15:50

I notice that there is no AIBU poll. If there were I think you would find that MN is 100 percent against your Boyfriend here.

Gymnopedie · 29/05/2023 15:51

Even if he's moved in today, you can still tell him he has to move out. It's absolutely not coincidence that he's said what you want to hear about his DD up to now, and then changed his mind (which actually he hasn't, this was what he wanted to do all along) now when he thinks you will be too committed and will believe it's too late. So he'll get his own way.

Don't get him to sign the agreement if it at all says that he can live in your house, even if he gets no stake in the property. Tell him you've changed your mind and you don't want him there either, with or without his DD. Because if he says OK she won't come I wouldn't believe him. He doesn't have the balls to say no to her.

Clymene · 29/05/2023 15:53

You don't ever have to live together. Relationships can continue perfectly well for years without cohabitation

YerArseInParsley · 29/05/2023 15:53

I just saw your last comment as I didn't read through.

I'm glad your putting your foot down. And adult child doesn't need am arrangement to stay with her dad every second weekend and u shouldn't be responsible for the lazy git. I'm glad you're staying in your own home and not buying a bigger home for this adult to move in. Even if u did own a bigger home it doesn't mean u need to let another adult move in.

How did your DP react when u told him your sons room will not be used by his adult child?

ProudThrilledHappy · 29/05/2023 15:59

He sounds like a total pushover, he is trying to move in with you to pass on the problem of his disrespectful daughter rather that deal with her himself. Now he is trying to put the onus on you to negotiate with her or force your DC to deal with the consequences. You said she goes through your partners things and is messy and lazy, but he thinks your DC should just be fine with this lazy selfish ADULT in their private space?? Honestly OP your partners gutlessness would be deeply unattractive to me and a massive turn off. I wouldn’t even want her in my home at all from what you have written

Hairpinleg · 29/05/2023 16:04

"The relationship needed to either end or move forward with the next natural step."

Did your boyfriend say this? You needed to provide him with a place to live, an out from living with loser daughter, or he'd leave you? I can't see why else you'd suddenly decide to change a living arrangement that worked for you.

DPotter · 29/05/2023 16:04

Sadly I have a very bad feeling about your situation Sampron.

Please do yourself a big favour and promise your son and yourself this - at the very first, faintest smudge of a hint about your DP's DD staying over - you ask him to leave. Whatever the situation - come hell, high water, hurricane force winds and a DD so drunk she's throwing up everywhere. He gets a taxi out of your space.

Your home is your sanctuary, his room is your DS's safe space.

Your DP has already pushed his luck - you need to be on your guard from now on.

Willing to bet you a pint of something of your choosing the first request for his DD to stay over comes the next weekend your DS is away

AnaLaBooth · 29/05/2023 16:05

The relationship needed to either end or move forward with the next natural step.

What a weird ultimatum.
Not everyone has to be in the nuclear family unit, not everyone has to cohabit. Be mindful of what is societies 'script' for success and 'normality' and what actually benefits you as a person.

If your relationship is healthy then you would NOT split up due to a preference not to cohabit. Living apart is NOT a sign of failure. That is simply ludicrous. You are basically telling us that if you don't conform to a societal norm then the relationship is of no value.

If it has value, then not living together won't harm your relationship. He is a human being, as are you, you are not 'contracts or arrangements'.

VDisappointing · 29/05/2023 16:10

I think since you clearly have been concerned this would happen and it has happened - to continue with him moving in would be like watching yourself crash into a wall and not turning the steering wheel to avoid it. Why put yourself through this - its your house for goodness sake. You say he is moving out to avoid her but then letting her follow him to his new home? Nope would not be happening with me and relationship crunch time I think.

ColdHandsHotHead · 29/05/2023 16:13

Honestly, I think you need to be prepared to tell him to move out again if he continues to try and move his daughter in two weekends a month. She sounds like a nightmare.

FriendsDrinkBook · 29/05/2023 16:15

This will not end well op. You are being manipulated. Open your eyes.

PatAndMat · 29/05/2023 16:17

YANBU

Your dc needs there own space.

I think you need to review him moving in, he’s starting to move the goal posts already

billy1966 · 29/05/2023 16:21

Hairpinleg · 29/05/2023 16:04

"The relationship needed to either end or move forward with the next natural step."

Did your boyfriend say this? You needed to provide him with a place to live, an out from living with loser daughter, or he'd leave you? I can't see why else you'd suddenly decide to change a living arrangement that worked for you.

He needed somewhere to stay and gave an ultimatum 🙄 to the OP....and she fell for it.

She'll have some job getting this grifter out.

What's that saying..."no man as loving as one that needs a place to live"🤣

Coralsunset · 29/05/2023 16:26

FriendsDrinkBook · 29/05/2023 16:15

This will not end well op. You are being manipulated. Open your eyes.

The relationship would end unless you let him live with you, you say?

Are you desperate?

He has really done a number on you OP.

SnugAsA · 29/05/2023 16:26

Yeah, I'd be putting the brakes on him moving in. Do you really want to invite his chaos and drama to embed itself even further into your life?

Having a 'partner' isn't the most important thing. I'd put the priority on maintaining a safe, calm sanctuary for myself and my child. This so-called partner should understand that you need to put your own child first, well above him and his adult child.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 16:28

How old is your son OP?

I think I'd have waited till they were older and perhaps left home before allowing a man move in.

It is going to be hard for your son to have a man living with you all, in a small 2-bed home.

How well do they get on? How does your son feel about it?

There's still no real explanation as to why your boyfriend doesn't own his own home. Is this a financial issue?

There are many committed couples who live separately while their kids are still at home. Was it him or you who decided that it was living together or not continuing the relationship?