Guest every other weekend

[Sampron20]

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

I wouldn’t be getting a sofa bed to make herself comfy in

This is what I keep asking, to no avail.

The OP doesn't seem to want to discuss why they aren't buying together or plan to. Maybe there are very sound reasons for that.

She may love her home, the area, the school for her DS, but it would be interesting to know why a man in his mid 40s+ is effectively homeless, (other than renting.)

As for those who as concerned about my DC. Let me assure you, I fought too long and hard for his safety- that's another story. I will not ever do anything that would have my DC living in another volatile environment

But you are doing just that. The DP might be ok but the DSD definitely is not.and DP is questionable as he's changed her mind about DSD at the last minute.
More fool you.

You are out of your mind going forward now that you know that he would go back on what he said.

Father and daughter are now about to make real fool out of you.

Your poor son, his privacy about to be violated any weekend he is not there.

Kindly meant but wake up.

They both think you are good to be taken advantage of.

No man who valued you would back peddle like that.

Its not an accident it happened when you think it is too late.

You are being foolish and your poor son will be made to feel uncomfortable in his home.

You will bitterly regret this.

But you have been warned!

Then no. She’s an adult. It’s not a child custody arrangement and she doesn’t need to stay over every other weekend. Maybe invest in a sofa bed so that she can stay occasionally without massively intruding on your DC’s private space. If your DP is unhappy with that then you need to delay him moving in until you sort it.

The move is happening now, as I type this. So it is too late to back out.

But he hasn't signed the co hab agreement yet has he.

Fools rush in and all that...

Such a nasty trick for him to pull just as he's moving in. He's set you up as the evil stepmother who won't let his daughter use your home as a dosshouse even though he's told her that he'd be fine with it. So spineless.

@Sampron20

Putting your foot down ahead of time is all well and good. But if he's so wet he can't put his own foot down (and past history proves this), what's going to happen when she shows up on your doorstep one night or nags him to stay? Either he's going to tell her to come without telling you because it will be easier to ask you for forgiveness than permission, or he's going to put all the blame on you for not allowing it, which is not going to encourage a 'pleasant' relationship between you and DSD. Neither one of those is right or fair on you OR your DC.

And what's going to be his attitude when your son leaves home? Will he accept that the situation is different or will he take the attitude "If my DD can't stay, neither can your son. They must be treated equally".

Frankly, I wouldn't let him move in. And I'm not saying he doesn't want to live with you, but I think part of his motivation for moving in is that it's a 'blameless' way of DD out of 'his' home.

Please read the thread - or at least OP’s updates.

You know your DP best but I really can’t understand or respect the “suddenly the night before the move” request on behalf of the daughter. A grown human being ought to have been able to handle the daughter’s absurd request on his iwn without even asking you.

“No that is not possible it is not my agreement with my girlfriend and I am moving into her space.”

He should never have asked you. The fact that he did shows what a weak, indecisive, and unreliable person he is. He can not manage his own affairs.

I think you are going to have a hard time with this guy. And you need to be prepared to ask him to move out again if he can not manage saying “no” to his adult daughter.

Just because this man isn't as terrible as your ex/whatever awful situation you rescued yourself from, doesn't mean he isn't bringing another set of problems to your door. It's not too late to say no.

I am betting that it's a more convenient location. Bin this man, this is probably the thin edge of a very large wedge.

Am I being thick?

Why would his daughter want to kip over at all?

She lives with her mum, 5 miles away.

So it's not as if she has a dad who has moved hours away and she can't get home after seeing him.

The dad says he almost had a breakdown when she lived with him (smoking, drinking, making the place a mess, lying in bed all day, spending money and demanding more from him) YET he wants her to bed-down in the OP's home.

What am I missing?

I’d not say it’s too late if the terms have changed massively. It would be a huge red flag that my child’s privacy and safe space meant nothing just to keep life easy with an adult who to be honest has no reason to stay.

I’d have had major issues with someone using my bedroom (would your DP mind sharing his bed/ room every other weekend? I think not) and I’d never even ask it of my child either.

If I was your daughter, I would be mightily pissed off to share my room with a stranger and have them go through my things. Moving in together doesn't sound like a good idea.

”I will not ever do anything that would have my DC living in another volatile environment.”

I’m afraid I agree with all the others who believe that, by letting him move in, you are doing exactly that.

If you’ve been on Mumsnet a while, you will be familiar with Maya Angelou’s saying:

“When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.”

It isn’t coincidence that he did a U-turn when he thought it was too late for you to back out of him moving in. It’s the start of his controlling behaviour, now the circumstances between you and him have changed.

If you aren’t having misgivings about this now, you 100% should be.

I know it’s not what you came here for, and not the question you wanted to ask, but you came here because you weren’t even sure whether he was being unreasonable, so you should be aware now that even having that doubt means your judgment on abusive men is still far from adequate.

You’ve been in an abusive relationship before and you’re walking into another and making the excuse that it’s too late to back out now. Don’t do it. Pulling back looks like the difficult option right now, which is exactly why he’s pulled this stunt, but it’s a mirage. Pulling back now is the easier option. Please listen to all the women here who are telling you this.

His slippers are already under the table now.

Moving in as we speak.

Not a great start.

This would be a hard no from me.

Why on earth would he expect you to put up with that in your home if he couldn't?

Why does he think it's fair that your son has his private space invaded?

I'd be asking him them questions as well ^^

Tbf this thread has given me the rage a bit.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

Not sure OP if this was a cry for help, or you wanted agreement that it is too late.

I agree 100% with the PP who said that by asking for opinions on your judgement, you are missing the 'red flag' gene.

This behaviour smacks of a controlling and manipulative man. He's waited till the day before he moves in to drop the clanger.

I wonder if all the time you have known him, there have been other signs of this behaviour which you ignored?

Leopards and spots etc.

I've read all of your responses, OP. I know you are saying it's too late to put a stop to this move but it absolutely is not. Or at the very least, you can put your foot down and say it is a very temporary stop while he finds another place to live.

You talk about drawing up contracts to protect your living arrangements, which is a good thing. But if you consider what he's said already, he essentially verbally agreed to a host of things (no sharing your DD's room etc) and has already backed out on those things.

He is ABSOLUTELY planning to make you the bad guy, to make you the one to try to sort out his adult child whom he's never been able to say no to. In fact, he's literally moving house so he can avoid having any tough conversations with her.

It is NOT your job to tell her these things (I know you know this, I'm agreeing with you, and my caps are for emphasis, not shouting at you!) You don't want to go down this road. You currently have a nice living situation with your daughter, she has her own room, which as a teen is very important to her, she should not be feeling guilted into agreeing to have some adult passing out in at the weekends (or worse, if she's bringing randos home with her!) I know YOU aren't trying to guilt her but I bet your DP is, or would be.

You need to be firm now, as this is the big moving in point. Start as you mean to go on: absolutely no to her staying over unless it's on a sofa bed in the shared living space. I'd say no to her, full stop, but people will jump on me for suggesting it. I mean yes, in a perfect world, the man's daughter should be able to come visit him. However it isn't a perfect world, this is a man with a spine of spaghetti when it comes to his child, and it isn't up to OP to fix that situation.

Honestly he needs his own place.

No way Jose! He has the choice of finding somewhere else to live or accepting that he daughter will be an occasional guest only sleeping on an air bed or sofa with a no smoking house rule. If she proves that she respects your home, DC may allow her to use their bedroom at some point down the line.

At best he sounds like he's easily manipulated by his adult daughter. This doesn't bode well. Very tough for you OP.

You absolutely do not have to indulge his very unpleasant adult child. Just say NO every time she asks to stay or she’ll be up to the Sam shittybehaviour in your house! I cannot believe the pair of them have the bare cheek to ask! As if