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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
CantGetDecentNickname · 29/05/2023 13:55

longtompot · 29/05/2023 11:48

Well, in light of your most recent post, this would be a no for me. She can come for dinner, lunch, a visit, but no staying over.

Show quote history

I agree with this. She’d be going through your DC’s things and yours. Tell DP to let go of the feeling of guilt which is probably why he’s saying this and tell him that it is your house and you won’t be having this drama descending upon you ever. He may thank you for doing what he feels too guilty to do. Have you asked your DC how they feel about having an adult stay in their room?

I’d stop him moving in to be honest. She could well keep pushing for this and bringing the drama to you. It’s never too late to change your mind, just tough to do sometimes.

MeridianB · 29/05/2023 13:57

Oh @Sampron20 it’s not too late to stop this happening.

It may be awkward and inconvenient but it’s not too late.

Because a bit of hassle and embarrassment now is definitely preferable to the nightmare he can bring into your home. He KNOWS what he is doing. So you shouldn’t have any qualms about slamming the brakes on.

Your son’s safe space trumps this man and his wants.

Newestname002 · 29/05/2023 14:00

Letting him move in is a really bad idea. I agree with other posters: he's moved the goalposts at your, and your own child's disadvantage. You are allowing yourself to be manipulated by someone who cares more for what he wants, and to avoid dealing with the actions of his difficult daughter who he can't even handle himself. I feel sorry for you, but worse for your child. 🌹

NewUserName2023 · 29/05/2023 14:01

You must tell him right now that he moves in today only on condition that he tells his DD in your prescence that she can't stay overnight with you. If he won't agree to that conversation then you know to tell him to turn around and book himself into a b&b. Otherwise you'll end up with a fulltime (DP) AND part time (his DD) cocklodgers in YOUR home at your expense and will be spending more in legal fees getting him out.

Pawpatrollermum · 29/05/2023 14:03

What about if she has to sleep on the couch rather than your daughters bed? Is that likely to put her off?

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/05/2023 14:05

MeridianB · 29/05/2023 13:57

Oh @Sampron20 it’s not too late to stop this happening.

It may be awkward and inconvenient but it’s not too late.

Because a bit of hassle and embarrassment now is definitely preferable to the nightmare he can bring into your home. He KNOWS what he is doing. So you shouldn’t have any qualms about slamming the brakes on.

Your son’s safe space trumps this man and his wants.

This ⬆.

If he's homeless and you feel guilty, don't. HR is the one who moved the goalposts, not you.

This isn't your circus but you will end up covered with monkey sh!t if you let him move in while he is reluctant to tell his DD to sort herself out.

gamerchick · 29/05/2023 14:06

It's not way too late. Tell him he needs to think of something else for his adult kid or the moving in can't happen. It's not fair on your bairn having someone sleeping in their bed and private space every time they go to their dads. People can get territorial over their bedrooms. Has the poor kid even been consulted at all?

Maybe a futon in the living area might be the way to go.

And a lock on kids door so they can lock it when not there

MeridianB · 29/05/2023 14:06

Pawpatrollermum · 29/05/2023 14:03

What about if she has to sleep on the couch rather than your daughters bed? Is that likely to put her off?

OP has a son.

But anyway, why should she use a family home as a drunken crash pad (potentially with smoking, stealing and strangers)? There is no need.

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/05/2023 14:07

Pawpatrollermum · 29/05/2023 14:03

What about if she has to sleep on the couch rather than your daughters bed? Is that likely to put her off?

If she gets into the house at all she will end up bringing drama with her.

Testina · 29/05/2023 14:07

I predict that Fag Ash Lil will be hanging out at your place whatever you say, and whether you put a lock on your child’s bedroom door or not.

Because this is all about control. No fucking way is she going to let you get away with this. There’ll be friends of hers - random strangers to you - coming over to watch a film or get ready to go out, even if she doesn’t stay over night. As a PP said - watch out for when you go on holiday and she sleeps in your bed with whomever. She absolutely will come and piss on your territory.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 29/05/2023 14:09

@Sampron20 Get the locks changed to ones that you have to have a password to get copies for and then only give your Partner one. That way he can't go behind your back and get a copy done for her. Avocet ABS locks are good. You can get all locks keyed alike so one key works all doors.

viques · 29/05/2023 14:09

Have the posters suggesting sofa surfing or a futon read about how revolting the daughter is? Rolls home drunk, stinks of cigarettes, brings home randoms, is abusive and disrespectful? Who wants to come down to that in the morning? Or lie awake at night listening to her thumping about, hoping she has locked the door and isn’t going to throw up.

Thighlengthboots · 29/05/2023 14:11

viques · 29/05/2023 14:09

Have the posters suggesting sofa surfing or a futon read about how revolting the daughter is? Rolls home drunk, stinks of cigarettes, brings home randoms, is abusive and disrespectful? Who wants to come down to that in the morning? Or lie awake at night listening to her thumping about, hoping she has locked the door and isn’t going to throw up.

Not to mention lying in all day which means noone else would be able to use the living room!

jeaux90 · 29/05/2023 14:11

OP I'm a lone parent and understand very well the sheer guts it takes to work, bring your kid up on your own and buy a home.

My DP and I will be moving in together next year, he has a DS 18.

There is a absolutely no way I would allow him to come into my DDs personal space EOW. It's an invasion of her boundaries.

You found a solution, his DD was moving in back with her mum, you agreed you didn't have the space etc

He is walking back on your agreement. No way would I tolerate this.

dontgobaconmyheart · 29/05/2023 14:15

Definitely not too late to tell him that it was a mistake and won't be working after all. Unfortunately saying it is aloud OP, doesn't make that true in real terms even if you feel unable to make a change to it. Your gut feeling is right, there is absolutely no reason an adult needs to spend any time overnight at your home, particularly when there is no spare room and least of all when it affects your own DC.

I can't see what the benefits are to anyone (your DC) included of this arrangement, though there appear to be plenty for a potentially cocklodging DP and his freeloading adult child who wants to usurp a child's bedroom in their home as a free place to stay when they need to. Once he has moved in all you will hear is that it's his home now too, and his DC should get the same as what yours get, or you will be held over a barrel and made the reason why he has fallen out with his daughter. Protecting your assets at the solicitor is one thing but you need to protect what you have worked hard to get - which is the right to enjoyment of your own home, with your children as the priority. This is not the route to that.

Furthermore I would want a lot more information on this mans future plans to support himself, answers as to why he is not intervening in his daughters behaviour and where the deposit he gave her for a home now lies. If there arent answers to these things when why are you going out on a limb. Those who say he knows what he's doing, are absolutely right. His primary concern is himself.

Inuno · 29/05/2023 14:18

Op, you have proved yourself to be a strong sensible woman who has battled hard for yourself and your Ds , you know in your heart you’ll continue in this vein , you don’t need validation from anyone else, you
Are Definitely Not Being Unreasonable !
Have the courage of your convictions .

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/05/2023 14:19

Excellent post bacon

Hayliebells · 29/05/2023 14:20

Yeah, I'd back track on him moving in, even if it compromises the relationship. He's back tracked on what you agreed before deciding he could move in, so in effect it's him changing the "terms" (for want of a better phrase!). If he doesn't like it, he can jog off. It sounds like you'd get on much better continuing to live separately.

gamerchick · 29/05/2023 14:24

viques · 29/05/2023 14:09

Have the posters suggesting sofa surfing or a futon read about how revolting the daughter is? Rolls home drunk, stinks of cigarettes, brings home randoms, is abusive and disrespectful? Who wants to come down to that in the morning? Or lie awake at night listening to her thumping about, hoping she has locked the door and isn’t going to throw up.

I did miss it.

I wouldn't have agreed to let him move in at all. OPs walking into a lot of shit here. There's going to be a battle to get him out once she's taken over. He's weak.

Better get yourself out for a lock to protect your kids safe space then.

OhwhyOY · 29/05/2023 14:25

Glad you've decided to put your foot down. If his DD wants to stay she can stay on the sofa, and as and when it suits you and DP (not EOW). Agree with a PP, get a lock on DC's door so if DSD is visiting she can't 'accidentally' go and stay in there, she will be forced to stay on the sofa. Also be clear with DP she can only stay if she behaves, if not she will no longer be welcome. If she lives so close he can easily see her during the day without making life difficult for you and your DS.

MeridianB · 29/05/2023 14:25

Once he has moved in all you will hear is that it's his home now too, and his DC should get the same as what yours get, or you will be held over a barrel and made the reason why he has fallen out with his daughter. Protecting your assets at the solicitor is one thing but you need to protect what you have worked hard to get - which is the right to enjoyment of your own home, with your children as the priority.

@dontgobaconmyheart is spot on with this!

Mirabai · 29/05/2023 14:28

If he had money to give his DD for a deposit on a flat why didn’t he buy one himself? Or does he see you as his meal ticket?

Why is he so impecunious at his age?

Shakespeareandi · 29/05/2023 14:30

Based on what you have said then no. DSD doesn't get to use your DC bedroom. Sounds very strange that she would want to. It's your DC's bedroom. Perhaps a one off would be fine, but I would say to my OH to get a sofa bed for her to sleep on if staying over became more frequent.
Hope it works out. Also, have a good open conversation with your OH about expectations etc of living togeher. It could save a lot of upset later on.

Testina · 29/05/2023 14:33

@Shakespeareandi “but I would say to my OH to get a sofa bed for her to sleep on if staying over became more frequent. “

Have you actually read the thread?!! 😳🤣

diddl · 29/05/2023 14:39

What a shit show.

I think you are an absolute fool to let him move in.