Guest every other weekend

[Sampron20]

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

Just seen your update.

Make it clear to HIM and make sure HE is the one to say no - and not because of you, but because HE sees it will not work. Be very careful.

You can still stop the move.

The move is happening now, as I type this. So it is too late to back out.

Well, it isn't really, but you've decided it's going to keep on happening so it is.

I really do hope it all works out. But he's done a real number on you waiting till it's happening to announce the change of plan, so I wish you all the luck because I think you'll need it.

Do not let this man move in. At all. When he complains that he has nowhere to go, you tell him that that is his problem. If he does another u-turn, don't fall for it, because he will be saying anything in desperation to get you to change your mind and he will not be in the least bit sincere.

As PPs have said, he has changed the terms of him moving in at the last minute. This is called "bait and switch", it is a well-known technique for scamming people and otherwise getting them to agree to something they would otherwise say no to. It's manipulative, it's immoral, and it shows utter contempt to you and your son. It is a form of abuse. Get rid of him, full-stop.

PPs have said to tell him that your son said "no" to timesharing his room. Do not do this. Do not use your son as a shield for your decision. Your "D"P will coerce your son into agreeing to timeshare. If "D"P asks you what your son thinks, you say that you respect your son too much to even ask him to timeshare his room and you refuse to let him be pressured into agreeing.

He has bait-and-switched you at the last minute. If he moves in, he will pressure your son into timesharing his space. He will only get worse. Dump him.

I am sorry that the move is happening now. This isn't going to work out. He hasn't put down his foot for DSD before and he isn't going to step up now. He is already trying to palm the work off on you. Unfortunately I think you are in for a rough ride for the next couple of months until you get him out of your home again.

Sounds like a smart move. OPs protecting her home and her child's security. What does he get out of it? Well let's see. He can't bear living with in the rented place with his daughter anymore so he has choices. He can rent/buy separately or he can stay at OPs home and contribute to living expenses (probably much cheaper). I'd imagine if that works out well, years down the line they might review the living situation as a couple.
I'd also imagine if he suggested to OP that they get a place together now she'd say no and that if he doesn't want to move in that's fine too, he can stay over occasionally and they can have time away together. Either way he's as good as homeless atm

Omg, he dropped this on you last night giving you no time to say no really 🤦🏻‍♀️

I am really glad to hear you arent going to allow it.

I would however, just be aware that there may be some emotional blackmail coming your way in the future from him in terms of "But I hardly see my daughter" "I dont want to cause problems in our relationship", "maybe we could try just this one weekend and see how it goes?" etc.

Just be aware that this may happen as it sounds like he is quite easily manipulated by her (the disappearing deposit money, etc)

It is never too late to say no. Don't let this happen.

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

OP, why have you and your boyfriend not found a home together after all the years you have dated?

(I refuse to call him partner as that IMO is for someone who shares bills and the responsibility of sharing a home.)

Why has he faffed around renting flats, handing over money to his daughter for a house (which she didn't buy) and is now effectively homeless?

If she is in her 20s, he must be mid 40s at least.

Does he has financial issues and what is the plan longer term for you both regarding a home together?

She wouldn’t be stepping foot in my house, let alone smoking in my child’s room every other weekend. Fuck that. I’d have probably called a halt to the move, too, but that’s just me.

Eh? Where has she said she won't allow it? She's here asking for advice.

Will he be paying equivalent of rent or lodging?
All properties are owned by someone. If he is signing a legally binding agreement, he would be wise to stipulate any terms that he would like included. If he were renting anywhere else, he could have visitors of his choice on his own terms.

This move sounds like a problem before it has even launched. You would be wise to continue living apartment.

Don't think OP is coming back somehow.

Her most recent update.

This. He has manipulated you into letting him move in on his terms.

You can still stop this. Call out an emergency locksmith, get the locks changed, and put his still-packed possessions outside the house.

When he complains, you tell him that he shouldn't have tried to change the terms of him moving in at lord knows what time last night.

I've only read OP replies.

I'd definitely not allow this, your DS has a right to his room remaining his own.
Your DP has moved the goal post so either get him to move them back or you shut him down and tell him you're also doing a 180 and he's not moving in.
He's not even in yet and is dictating what you and your DS should have to do just so his life is made easy.

The DSD sounds a nightmare and I wonder how long it'll be before her and her mum get fed up with each other and your DP pays for a new place for her or your settee becomes her new bed.

If things do go wrong saying no in the first instance will be a lot easier than having to try and get her out if she decides to stay put.

Oh he definitely did this on purpose, he toLd you what you wanted to hear to get you to go along with the move then changed his mind when he thought you were trapped?! @Sampron20

Sorry OP I missed your update a few minutes ago.

The move is happening now, as I type this. So it is too late to back out. The convo about this happened last night. Again, all a bit too late in the day. I did not see a U turn on the horizon.

It's not too late to say no. Your boyfriend could find somewhere else, like a holiday let / airbnb/ hotel.

considering your ex took yo to the cleaners, why on earth are you allowing a man move in with you and rent-free? Have you agreed the terms this- ie 50-50 on all outgoings?

Are you effectively housing him as you are paying the mortgage?

This doesn't sound like an equal relationship.

If that is what you want, no one can stop you but it sounds very dodgy to me.
After being burned once, don't you see the potential pitfalls?

She's going to come because your boyfriend is too wet to say no. It will cause conflict and he's deliberately moved the goalposts now he thinks it's too late for you to stop him moving in.

I'd be very very wary.

@Sampron20 "I fought too long and hard for his safety- that's another story. I will not ever do anything that would have my DC living in another volatile environment"

Please say this to your partner tonight. Be very clear that she is not welcome to stay under any circumstances and if he won't agree to abide by this he needs to move out asap. Too bad if he has given up the rental.

If he agrees but then he breaks that trust, even once, he's out. It's very likely she'd just turn up late one night pretty soon, pissed and demand to be let in and because he is spineless he will allow that and leave you to be the one on the doorstep telling her she can't come in. With him arguing with you not to be so unreasonable. You have to establish the expectations now and stick to it.

I agree a lock on DC's bedroom door is a good idea too. But it shouldn't be needed.

Well done OP.

Keep repeating that DSD cannot stay here. Do not yield.

It is slightly worrying that you initially agreed this with DP and THEN THE NIGHT BEFORE HE MOVES IN he pulls this shit. Be wary OP, be very wary.

Yes terms agreed 50/50 split on all living related expenses.

THIS!!!

In SPADES!!!!!

He's trying to manipulate YOU into :

a) Allowing his DD to stay every other weekend - despite having feigned not wanting her to.

b) Making you the "bad guy" in all this - Lovely dad is letting his beloved child effectively squat (I'll bet there's no mention of a contribution to food etc) , but Wicked "Stepmother" is laying down all of these horrible rules.

She will loathe and resent you, and you have a chance to end up either fighting with her (and you know whose side your DP will take - he's shown you that) or you will have to bite your tongue as she ignores every restriction.

This is not your child - she's not anyone's "child" - she's your partner's ADULT daughter. Tell him "No'. Maybe once every couple of months - IF your DC is happy to have someone kipping in her room - if not, then it's a straight "NO!".

This is your home - if he's trying this stuff on at this early stage in your relationship, it will not get any better. He will use boundaries right, left and centre, and then you may have a real job getting him out if you and your DC aren't happy with his presence (and hers).

Obviously, this is your decision, but personally I'd tell him I'd been thinking about things and you aren't ready to have anyone move in with you.

What's being proposed by your DP is ridiculous. Your child should absolutely not expected to have their space invaded in that way. Good luck. I hope your partner sees that his attempt to avoid an argument with a daughter shouldn't be at the expense of you and your child.