Mum friend with possible munchausens by proxy

[Schooldinners1]

What would you do?

I can't go into all the details RN but it's been going on for years.

Constant doctorsce trips in different cities, requesting different hospital when one hospital won't believe here, unexplanable illnesses, lack of diagnosis, mystified specialists, sitting in GP surgery waiting room for hours, hospital waiting room A+E, lots of messages about it all sending people photos.

Teachers suspicious and saying “don't think it's constapation”, doctors refusing to write up letters she's requesting.

Blaming allergies that are unproven and reactions for bad behaviour and constapation for when he's naughty.

Says he can't join in sports or plays because of bib or costume and his “allergies”.

There is always a drama and she seems to get pleasure from telling people about it all. Longer it goes on it looks more and more like her own “accounts” of these things happening.

The doctors stopped listening at a point she then became addicted to the homeopath. Who kept giving “pills” she then kept paying for calls even when on holiday to shamanic therapist cause his behaviour was so bad.

I don't even know when she will stop.

True.

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM yeah great for you to lord it over people who can never have children.

I think, given all the professionals involved there would already be a referral to social care would already be in motions at some point.
I think of the OP wanted to contact them, she would have by now.
And I think the OP is getting more kicks out of slagging her off on here instead.

Please report
Report and report

Follow your gut

Stand up for this boy!!!!!

I'm halfway between each side here.

My ds actually use to react to some tomato products - but not others and had an epipen as he has an unexplained reaction when his lips and eyes swelled he wasn't allergic to tomato or any of the allergens tested for. But he reacted horribly when outside during summer including hives that appeared all over his body.

He randomly grew out of it at around 10/11 years old.

He also suffered constipation.

He also started to refuse to walk because his legs hurt.

His secondary school just short of accused me of FII (what it's now called).

He actually has a very rare genetic neurological condition and no one can explain if there's a link to any of it (except the constipation).

He also swims and swims a lot but yet other days is in a wheelchair/ on crutches.

So whilst I've actually also seen a case of FII in RL I also know what it's like to feel and be ignored.

The only difference in my case if there were so many symptoms of something which the doctors witnessed they just kept changing and didn't all seem to be related to each other!

If you have concerns report to social services.

@Namechangedagain20 - but maybe there is a little space between dealing with the same issues as you, and "loving the drama" where this mum might find herself.

Perhaps.

Whether his mum has Mbp, or whether the child is sick, or whether mum has a mental illness other than Mbp, or whether the child has ADHD, ADD, ASD
, allergies, constipation, emotional problems or behavioural problems is not for you or anyone here to decide.
You have concerns about a child, you have an instinct from things you’ve observed that the child might be at risk so report your concerns to the school and to SS. Your details won’t be passed on or disclosed
I had a suspicion about parents, a couple of things were “off”, their behaviour was “off”. I spoke to a social worker who suggested I call the health visitor and give her the info. I felt a bit foolish tbh as I only had a few vague things to report. Turned out this was the final piece of the puzzle, Mbp not just affecting this child but two others in the family.

Oh yes I was called neurotic and an "anxious mother" in the early days too. I wish they had been right and I was just an attention seeker.

Instead my DD lives every day with a host of allergies that could cost her her life and god knows how many intolerances. I'm believed now (so long as I emphasize she has epi pens and has spent time in A&E) but many other health conditions, especially autoimmune diseases, are extremely hard to diagnose. The medical profession simply does not understand them but that doesn't mean they aren't real.

My DH was only diagnosed with Crohns at age 21 meaning he spent a whole childhood in pain with gastro problems. A whole childhood with a painful and debilitating illness that wasn't taken seriously, including by arrogant teachers who forced him to drink milk EVERY DAY when he's lactose intolerant.

I suggest you give the mum the benefit of the doubt here because it's far more likely that she's telling the truth than that she's got MBP.

I thought that nowadays medical records were accessible to medical professionals in other establishments or does one have to opt into this?

Id report t op-running around playing rugby and then in a wheelchair or being carried doesnt make sense

shes hadno proof (yes i know sometimes hard) but it allsounds contradictory

The thing is to me this DOES make sense. My dc would run about at nursery and then be exhausted and need the pushchair the rest of the day and had a 2.5 hr nap after nursery. It’s the boom/bust cycle but they said ‘he’s fine when here and zero physical issues ‘ so me explaining that after he was wiped out all afternoon very afternoon wasn’t believed and when I said he had a nap plus an early night it was twisted into ‘mother makes him nap and go to bed early to avoid having to meet his need’

You know what op, stay out of it. Not every single observation needs "reporting", especially by people who don't know all the details. Presumably the medical professionals that have dealt and are dealing with her will notice if something is up, as she will have told them, I expect, of various tests and treatments. If they think they need to investigate they will, not you.

They are supporting her and her child. If it was hidden behind closed doors then that would be more of a concern. If you tell someone anonymously then you might drive her anxiety more underground because then she will feel as if people are judging. You are not helping you are making it worse.

It's funny, after I read you say "you have concerns about the child" I re-read all the OP's posts and I could see her express any concern or worry about the child himself.
All I read was judgment of the mother, judgement about her choices, judgment about her parenting a child who expresses unwanted behaviours and no concern about the child at all.

*couldn't see any concern or worry expressed

I'm not going to go back and tag you, because I really wish I hadn't just noticed your posts, but the two mothers who are so pleased with themselves because they got the right diagnosis, and then disparage other people who SAY they're children are sick but clearly aren't... well shame on you.

To the mother who's child was 7 at GOSH - So you got the right referrals, the right hospital, a timely diagnosis. Bully for you. The other child can't bend their thumb back.. so you know how you sound? Ignorant. There are different forms of EDS, did you know that? How can anyone, whose experienced the worries you've had with your child, have such a smug dismissive attitude to another mother and child?

And the other one. Lucky you, your children only deal with the CMPA etc. Try figuring that out with 3 other things going on.

I was accused on mn, many years ago, of being a misanthrope. This is why I wear the badge happily. FFS.

I completely agree with this.

One of my DC, who already had a lot of allergic/atopic issues (virus-induced wheeze, eczema, hay fever etc) and whose father has a history autoimmune conditions, developed gastro symptoms and general lethargy at late primary age. He had already had a lot of hospital input, including some scary A&E admissions when he was tiny, so we were on their radar and I didn't hesitate to raise it with our GP as an issue that needed investigating. I suspected food allergies and didn't see why he shouldn't have his asthma clinic appointment brought forward so as to do skin tests promptly, and also asked for a coeliac screen and diabetes bloods while we were at it. Our GP (who with retrospect had some issues of his own) told me my requests for 'over-investigation' were sinister and insinuated that he would report to social services if I didn't back off. Fortunately, I'm medically trained myself and told him where to go, but very few parents would stick up for themselves in that situation.

I think the homeopathy/shamanic healing thing is worrying, whether the DC has anything physically wrong or not, but you can understand how parents get to the stage where they're desperate to be listened to and treated with something the approximates respect. I don't think it necessarily signals an abuse situation but the truth is you can't really tell from the outside and we definitely can't tell from your retelling of things.

However, of course, if you have worries you must raise them, either directly with social services or indirectly with, say, school. But don't do it anonymously. Quite apart from anything else it virtually ensures your concern won't be followed up and may be seen as malicious. In any case, why would you not put your name to it? The reality is that the most likely scenario of all is a complex picture comprising some physical problems, some behavioural problems, some parenting problems, and an utter lack of support with any of them. Be a grown up and stand by your decision to try and get this child the help he needs and deserves.

I'd be very surprised if this was not being reported and flagged up but if you really have concerns then Social services would be place to report.

I don't see how anyone here can help you - because it's impossible to tell if this is just the mother's mental health problem - the child actually having rare condition not yet identified (bizarrely know a few families who had this situation ) or some mix of the two ( seen that once and professionals were aware and working with both mother and child).

I've also found schools vary widely between conditions and children to how they respond to medical conditions and even know family armed with diagnosis and NHS pediatricians letters and support be dismissed by school school staff.

So no-one here can do more than suggest if you have real concerns then report then to the correct place - Social services who are in best place to investigate and will have more access to information than you or anyone here.

That doesn't mean OP shouldn't be suspicious. You had your own experience, but that doesn't mean this situation isn't different and this child isn't being abused.

It would be like OP knowing a constantly bruised child and me dismissing it by saying 'My child has X syndrome which causes bruising. Teachers were all suspicious of me until it was diagnosed. Next question?'

You should never 'just stay out of it' if you're worried a child is being abused.

I must add most recently she heard of someone elses child being diagnosed with dyspraxia and is now thinking he has that and has taken him to the doctors regarding feet. Again nothing came of it.

She contacted council to send in independent assesors to look at his class environment as she didn't feel he has enough support and school was doing nothing. He now regularly gets taken out of lessons to a self-regulation room which he enjoys for a break and attention.

School always complain of his behaviour so she said well get him a 1:1 so he will be watched and no longer be a danger or problem to anyone.

As he cannot keep up with class work he misbehaves to divert attention from this point.

It's absolutely not like a child being bruised.

Perhaps have a scroll back on this thread and have a read of the experiences of parents of the non-ige allergic child.

Or maybe read the allergy forum on here.

Or anywhere for that matter, and see how painfully, painfully common it is to not be believe by professionals, or friends (going by the OP!)

There is nothing you can do....and it will not be investigated even if you do report it

If you honestly believe that the parent is fabricating illness then you have a duty to report it to a child safeguarding social worker.

I'm an allergy mum and it's so so so hard. You get written off as 'crazy mum' by professionals. The only time I've been taken seriously is by a private gastro who finally diagnosed my DC with allergies and an auto immune disease. What I will say is because no one believes you (note that they do believe DH because he's a man) you end up having to do a ton of research yourself and have to be very careful because the allergy info is also bound up with a host of other propaganda like anti vax, homeopathy, mthfr 'practitioners' etc. And when you're in a bad place and you are desperate to get someone to notice your DC's issues then it can be tempting to go down those roads, like homeopathy. Obviously you also look at peer reviewed articles but then you realise that actually there's hardly any research on these areas because most children's allergy issues rely on women to be heard by health professionals and they're not.