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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They must be available at some point.

227 replies

botheritsgone · 28/05/2023 23:36

My MIL is about to have a milestone birthday. We are not in the habit of giving lots of gifts or having big parties. However, Mil did mention she would quite like a photo of all the grandchildren together.
This is proving very difficult. I enquired locally and told my SIL about the availability around here for photographers. I also said that if it was helpful we could come to a location closer to them. They are about 150 miles away.
SIL said that she wouldn't be able to get her teens together for a photo because she couldn't tell them what to do and all have busy social lives.
I realise my kids are much younger at 5&3 but can you really not even ask your 14&16 year olds to keep a couple of hours free one weekend to get a photo for their grandma?
I'm unsure what has been said but Mil is making comments about SIL feeling I was being bossy. That wasn't my intention. I was just trying to get something organised.
I can't see there ever being a point where my nephews aren't busy and the photo actually happening. Mil does a lot for everyone so it would be nice to do the one thing she has asked for but hey not my mother. AIBU to just give up on the idea? Maybe just get a photo of my two for their Gran.

OP posts:
Lidlpopdrinker · 29/05/2023 12:32

Her own kids need to organize the picture of her grandkids.

luckylavender · 29/05/2023 12:52

@CurlewKate - family dynamics are complicated things. Or you're being obstinate on purpose.

Bargellobitch · 29/05/2023 12:52

I'd leave sil to it. She sounds like a dick head and tbh I know teens are selfish dicks lots of the time as were we all! But I was taught to value my loved ones more than they obvs were. I find it really sad they can't make time for a picture.

luckylavender · 29/05/2023 12:52

@Lidlpopdrinker - 100% this

LaMaG · 29/05/2023 14:36

GoodVibesHere · 29/05/2023 08:00

Surely the entire point of a group photo is that a group of people are together having fun (e.g. a meal/get-together/ holiday/day trip) so you take a snap of you all together to remember it by? Somehow driving for two hours purely to pose for a photo is a bit odd? You'll get them to line up like an official royal family portrait? It all seems so false to me.

Must we really bow to the demands of 'elders'? Does the MIL actually desperately want the photo?

Totally agree. While MILs request seems reasonable, at the same time she is saying she doesn't want a party which would be the perfect opportunity for the photo so she is kind of suiting herself too. Seems strange to me that someone wants a picture of their GC but not actually want to be with the GC. If you want people to get together in your name, invite them to something.

NatashaDancing · 29/05/2023 14:46

LaMaG · 29/05/2023 14:36

Totally agree. While MILs request seems reasonable, at the same time she is saying she doesn't want a party which would be the perfect opportunity for the photo so she is kind of suiting herself too. Seems strange to me that someone wants a picture of their GC but not actually want to be with the GC. If you want people to get together in your name, invite them to something.

Show quote history

OP is expecting the other side of the family to drive 150 miles, so nearer 3 than 2 hours for nothing more than getting a photo taken. There's no suggestion of a party, a meal or any purpose other than a group photo.

OP could put together a compilation photo album of the grandchildren at different ages, doing different things. It sounds far more about the OP than anyone else.

PennyWeisse · 29/05/2023 14:58

Do the kids have any relationship with each other? How often do they see each other?

If there no relationship or feeling of kinship between the older kids and the younger kids then the photo would feel like a farce to me. Putting them together smiling in a photo against their will to give the notion of a happy loving group of cousins.

There's no point in doing it in that case.

Original poster
botheritsgone · 29/05/2023 19:19

Gran mentioned the photo idea to both of us when we were all together at Easter. I thought SIL was up for it. I just sent a text asking if she had thought of a date, just so I wouldn't organise anything else for us whenever they were available.
Maybe she is jealous but she got similar help from Mil when her kids were little. She had been based in Cyprus and mil went over to stay with them. Then when they were posted back in UK, Mil did loads to get them settled back here.
We did bubble up together as when I went into labour my eldest needed to stay somewhere. I laboured alone.
As soon as restrictions slackened a little Mil was straight over to SIL and the kids and stayed for weeks.
DH often doesn't get great reception where he is and isn't always sure when he will be able to be in touch. We are a team. I've never thought - his family- his responsibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
botheritsgone · 29/05/2023 22:10

Not sure why it sounds about me. Mil asked us together about it. I said I knew a few photographers around here but it might be better if we travelled to them.
We have previously done loads together. I used to travel to them lots to help juggle childcare when my nephews were little. Not so much recently but we have done things together.
Due to Fil having had a stroke, going for meals out together is not great. He sometimes requires help with feeding himself so wouldn't enjoy it. Same goes with a bigger party.
Gran has many photos of the kids individually. Maybe that will just have to do her.
Making it all about me, is the last thing I intended. But hey ho.
Maybe I will feel differently when my kids are teens but I know I would have had a photo taken for my Nan. Mil has done loads for everyone in the family. She never really asks for anything so I find it sad that we can't seem to organise this for her.

OP posts:
Sue2704 · 30/05/2023 18:59

I have 3 sons now in their 20’s. They would definately have responded better if asked directly rather than receive a request via me. It’s their gran. Whyever would they not want to make her happy. SIL is being totally unreasonable not even asking them. At the very least ask them to take a great picture of themselves holding up a happy birthday gram banner and send it to you to get printed and framed. You could do same with your little ones so she has a nice memory at least.

03jill26 · 30/05/2023 19:26

We have family living around the Uk and in Australia. When we wanted a photo for a landmark photo we arranged for each family (9 of them)to take a photo and send it to a named photographer who pulled them all together. It was a long photograph but my MIL loved it. Easy to do. The only stipulation was no coats or wellies.

changeme4this · 30/05/2023 20:16

Restinggoddess · 28/05/2023 23:43

Is your SIL the daughter of your MIL or are you both married to the sons of MIL?

The reason I ask is that I don’t organise things for MIL now as it always backfires. Your DH needs to take a lead on this and speak to his brother or sister
Yes, teenagers can be at a photo shoot - your SIL is coping out and then telling MIL to get herself off the hook

Get your DH to do this or arrange a photographer for the big party and take the photo when ever is together

I agree based on my own experiences with a SIL who was the daughter in the family dynamic.

You’ve done nothing wrong OP other then take the lead to try and organise something for MIL that she wants.

but you won’t win by questioning why SIL feels she cannot tell her kids what to do, as I bet she does when it suits her!

get the photo organised of your children, if DH is home at some point include all of you and give it to MIL Framed so it can be placed in a prominent spot. Let the SIL dwell on that every time she is around at her parent/s home.

moving forward, just do what you feel you can and want with MIL but leave SIL right out of any planning, as she will just be as difficult regardless.

(I actually stopped communicating with mine, lived os at the time so easily done, and several months later was accused of sending a nasty email which MIL never saw, just took her D’s word for it. Fractured my good relationship with MIL beyond belief, and I see my cousin currently doing it to her SIL with her parents. Protect yourself)

TomRaider · 30/05/2023 20:22

I assume they'll all be available for the party, free food and booze?

So it can be done.

Callipygion · 30/05/2023 20:22

I haven’t read full thread (I know, I know) and someone may have suggested this already, but when I worked in a nursery school, for a class photo, the photographer would take photos of a few children in a group at a time against a white background, then they would put them all together onto one photo. Could you do something like that? Get your families done separately then photoshopped together?

Mummabear89 · 30/05/2023 20:54

Could every family unit get a photo of their family unit and then someone who is good at Photoshop combine them all into one big photo.

PaperYarnandThread · 30/05/2023 20:56

Hi botheritsgone! I'm Beth, one of the lovely mums in the thread recommended me to you! I draw portraits from multiple photos. I'd love to help you out and solve the problem for you! Hi all mums on here! This is my first ever post! Hope everyone is well! Beth x

PaperYarnandThread · 30/05/2023 21:00

Here are a couple of examples. You can find me at Paper Yarn and Thread on Instagram :-)

They must be available at some point.
They must be available at some point.
Angrywife · 30/05/2023 21:06

Give her a voucher for a family photo shoot and canvas of a chosen photo?

minisoksmakehardwork · 30/05/2023 21:29

Do you have the teens numbers to phone/text and ask them yourself?

Toomuchfun · 30/05/2023 21:41

Do you have any photos from when teens were little. Can you get photos of your little ones and photoshop the photos together? That way you don't need the teens to be free and MIL gets a photo of her grandchildren... kind of.

Macinae · 30/05/2023 22:06

If DP is unable to organise and you can't agree suitable dates with SIL I'd look at doing a scrapbook of a variety of photos.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 30/05/2023 22:19

Can you text the teens and ask them? They might be more amenable if asked by you rather than their mum?

wentworthinmate · 30/05/2023 23:05

Get all the available GC together. Don’t worry about the absentees.

CelestiaNoctis · 31/05/2023 02:46

In response to that, I'd just ok well I was just following on from what mil said she wanted. But if its not possible on your end then I'll go ahead and just book it for my 2 then. And leave it at that. You can't force someone.

noimaginationforausername · 31/05/2023 10:53

My god I despair for my teens having to work with ones similar to those mentioned on this post, how are they ever going to integrate into society when everything is just ALL ABOUT THEM! 😩