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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They must be available at some point.

227 replies

botheritsgone · 28/05/2023 23:36

My MIL is about to have a milestone birthday. We are not in the habit of giving lots of gifts or having big parties. However, Mil did mention she would quite like a photo of all the grandchildren together.
This is proving very difficult. I enquired locally and told my SIL about the availability around here for photographers. I also said that if it was helpful we could come to a location closer to them. They are about 150 miles away.
SIL said that she wouldn't be able to get her teens together for a photo because she couldn't tell them what to do and all have busy social lives.
I realise my kids are much younger at 5&3 but can you really not even ask your 14&16 year olds to keep a couple of hours free one weekend to get a photo for their grandma?
I'm unsure what has been said but Mil is making comments about SIL feeling I was being bossy. That wasn't my intention. I was just trying to get something organised.
I can't see there ever being a point where my nephews aren't busy and the photo actually happening. Mil does a lot for everyone so it would be nice to do the one thing she has asked for but hey not my mother. AIBU to just give up on the idea? Maybe just get a photo of my two for their Gran.

OP posts:
mumda · 29/05/2023 08:34

Tell them they're not in the will unless they make the effort.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 29/05/2023 08:34

While I don't disagree with you OP your timing is atrocious. Slap bang in the middle of GCSEs. It's a stressful time for students and parents, they are probably trying to hold things together. Perhaps as you are married into the family and SIL is blood she feels like you are stepping on her toes and making her feel a bit inadequate for not organising anything herself. I'd throw the ball into her court.

fridaynight1 · 29/05/2023 08:36

I’m not so sure the uncooperative refusal to have photos taken is 100% coming from the teens. I think their mum could persuade them if she was more inclined to do so. She sounds jealous of your relationship with your MIL and doesn’t think it is your place to arrange her family like this.

I know your DH is abroad but hasn’t he got access to a phone? Your SIL may be not like being organised by you in matters regarding her children and own mother but surely she can’t object to a request from him?

But in all honesty I think you should give up on this one. I think it’s a lovely thought to have a grandkids photo done for her but it doesn’t look like your SIL wants you to be the one who gets the glory. I would back off and suggest to MIL that she asks her daughter to arrange. You don’t need to tell MIL why.

If it’s more of a surprise thing - what about FIL arranging it?

FarmGirl78 · 29/05/2023 08:37

ThePlan · 29/05/2023 01:19

My aren't you self-centeted, kind and thoughtful, and you think it's a nice trait to teach your children. FFS it's a milestone birthday present that an elder said she'd like. Also, they don't celebrate big birthdas with parties (if I recall correctly). Is it so difficult to think of someone other than yourself.

Lol. An elder.🤣

Its nice to listen to your teens and give them a choice with things like this.

Its nice to teach your teens they don't have to do everything. But it's better to teach them that sometimes they really do need to 'choose' to instead put themselves out and sacrific 1 weekend out of 52 to do something they're not keen on to make someone else (who is hopefully precious and important to them) very very happy.

Costacoffeeplease · 29/05/2023 08:39

‘yet another mumsnet thread where it is obvious why a lot of teens are defiant, rude and think the word revolves around them.’

THIS

MrsMikeDrop · 29/05/2023 08:41

ZeroFuchsGiven · 29/05/2023 08:26

Not everyone wants to sit in front of a camera for a fake photo. Personally I think they are the worst, I would much rather see natural photos.

Show quote history

The whole point was it was what their grandmother wanted for her birthday. Glad I don't have family who care this little about me.

RooftopParty · 29/05/2023 08:42

I think that's selfish. It's not about you all the time! You should give some thought to other people's feelings sometimes, try it one day. Maybe MIL ought to reconsider who she gives Christmas and birthday presents to! Bet your ungrateful children would soon object if they got given nothing on special occasions.

I don’t care that a random person thinks it’s selfish. If you read my posts, I’ve said that my children would give their time to spend with loved ones. They have their reasons for not wanting a professional photographer making them pose for photos.

My children don’t get presents from GPs. No, they don’t object. They’re nice people, loving, funny, kind and grateful. They also have their own boundaries.

They wouldn’t go online judging other people and calling them ungrateful when they have no clue about their circumstances. Unlike you. I know who I bet is nicer. 🙃

PoseyFlump · 29/05/2023 08:43

Costacoffeeplease · 29/05/2023 08:39

‘yet another mumsnet thread where it is obvious why a lot of teens are defiant, rude and think the word revolves around them.’

THIS

Yep. All those 'cool' parents not pushing their teenagers. They won't thank you in the end for not setting boundaries and you know they don't really think you're cool, right?

MrsMikeDrop · 29/05/2023 08:44

There was a thread yesterday talking about how old people were treated in UK vs. Other countries. I can't imagine many other cultures where young children adults show such disregard for their own grandmother

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 29/05/2023 08:44

@BridgetsBigPants ,
Well said from me, too.

Mydusa · 29/05/2023 08:45

A 16 year old will likely be 2-3 weeks into GCSEs with 2-3 weeks still to go. If they are a serious swimmer they might also have a heap of training and competitions in the mix. It might have been genuinely be difficult for the last few weeks, and for the next few.

Right now, in the middle of their GCSE exams, is not the time to judge them for being self centred.

I would just do a nice photo of your kids for now. Take one of the grandkids together whenever they are next together anyway, maybe at Christmas, and give her that.

Dibbydoos · 29/05/2023 08:48

ZoChan · 28/05/2023 23:46

Paper yarn and thread (Instagram account) does beautiful drawings based on photos. We've commissioned three images from Beth now. She's awesome

OP I think this is a great idea. You can m t get t hem all together so ask for a pick of your DNs and send ghsy along with a pic of your DCs to Yarn and thread
They'll make a drawing picture of all four together.

BTW your SIL is being a bitch. Family....

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 29/05/2023 08:50

Yep. All those 'cool' parents not pushing their teenagers. They won't thank you in the end for not setting boundaries and you know they don't really think you're cool, right?

My children had/have boundaries. They’re just not made to have photos taken of them if they don’t want to. My kids are adults/teens and nothing bad has happened yet. Should I be expecting the sky to fall down soon?

Pushmepullu · 29/05/2023 08:50

Seems like an awful number of parents are happy to have bought up selfish brattish children. Just wait till they have children of their own and expect you to give up time doing what they want. Bet your kids are happy to get the presents from their GP.

3sthemagicnumber · 29/05/2023 08:52

Oh God, I can imagine my mum wanting something like this! Personally, I think it sounds not fun at all.

That said, if she did, I would strongly encourage my teenagers to do it. But in your case it sounds like SIL isn't going to, so you need to either just do a picture of your kids or come up with something else.

Outofthepark · 29/05/2023 08:53

Hey you tried, don't bother further. All you got for your efforts is that you got called bossy. It's for your DH to sort out anyway.

Alternative - the nice picture/drawing someone suggested upthread, or a group pic when everyone is together e.g., Xmas but have a family member take it.

Sigmama · 29/05/2023 08:53

I don't push my kids, they are self motivated, they would also be happy to do the flipping photo, I don't however think the photo is a great idea given the stress it's causing

Redkettle · 29/05/2023 08:54

People don't ask their teenagers to do stuff ... for their nan? What kind of world is this? Ridiculous

Redkettle · 29/05/2023 08:56

Pushmepullu · 29/05/2023 08:50

Seems like an awful number of parents are happy to have bought up selfish brattish children. Just wait till they have children of their own and expect you to give up time doing what they want. Bet your kids are happy to get the presents from their GP.

Spot on

Frenchtoadt · 29/05/2023 08:56

I’d be tempted to get a nice double frame - nice pic in your side and leave the other side for SIL to complete when convenient to her family .. just make sure you explain tactfully why you’ve done that .. something like SIL to get pic after GCSE revision out the way

Sigmama · 29/05/2023 08:57

Or they're just concentrating on exams which trumps nan anyday

Motheranddaughter · 29/05/2023 09:03

I never ‘force’ mine to do anything
But for something like this I would expect them to do it and approach it very much on that basis,and would be very surprised if they did not
They have very much been brought up to see situations from everyone’s point of view
They are very close to grandparents and would want to make them happy

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 29/05/2023 09:04

@ThePlan as well as it being nice to listen to your teens, it’s also nice to teach your teens to be kind and thoughtful human beings. She’s their gran and possibly won’t be around for much longer. It wouldn’t be top of the list for my teens to do but they would do it for granny, as they consider other peoples feelings and have learnt to listen to other people’s needs as well

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 29/05/2023 09:04

And no-they aren’t perfect and drive me up the wall at times!

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 29/05/2023 09:09

The second MIL mentioned being bossy I would quit being involved.
I adored my pil and inlaws but they could not find their way out of a paper bag, and I was the default organiser, until I was told I was bossy. So I stopped completely.
What followed were years of birthdays not being celebrated and everyone wishing they saw each other more.