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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They must be available at some point.

227 replies

botheritsgone · 28/05/2023 23:36

My MIL is about to have a milestone birthday. We are not in the habit of giving lots of gifts or having big parties. However, Mil did mention she would quite like a photo of all the grandchildren together.
This is proving very difficult. I enquired locally and told my SIL about the availability around here for photographers. I also said that if it was helpful we could come to a location closer to them. They are about 150 miles away.
SIL said that she wouldn't be able to get her teens together for a photo because she couldn't tell them what to do and all have busy social lives.
I realise my kids are much younger at 5&3 but can you really not even ask your 14&16 year olds to keep a couple of hours free one weekend to get a photo for their grandma?
I'm unsure what has been said but Mil is making comments about SIL feeling I was being bossy. That wasn't my intention. I was just trying to get something organised.
I can't see there ever being a point where my nephews aren't busy and the photo actually happening. Mil does a lot for everyone so it would be nice to do the one thing she has asked for but hey not my mother. AIBU to just give up on the idea? Maybe just get a photo of my two for their Gran.

OP posts:
GuitarsUnderTheStars · 29/05/2023 02:29

@YesItsMe44 I’m self centred, unkind and thoughtless because I don’t make my teenage children have photos taken if they don’t want to?

Its actually a great trait to teach your children that they don’t always have to say yes to please others if they are uncomfortable or busy. Even their ‘elders’.

@ThePlan Agree completely.

Original poster
botheritsgone · 29/05/2023 02:42

I'm organising as DH is working abroad for the foreseeable future. SIL is MiL's daughter. We used to get on well but have grown apart. During pandemic, DH was stuck abroad for a very long time and my PIL were very supportive as DH missed the birth of our youngest and a lot of that newborn stage. It was really tough. SIL appeared jealous that he mum helped me with my children but not her with hers. I was extremely grateful for any help. My own DDad is disabled so couldn't help much and my mum is no longer with us.
We are looking months ahead to get a slot with someone so it really wouldn't necessarily clash with exams. I did suggest SIL find someone closer to her but I don't really know about photographers in her area.
It might be down to the boys not wanting to but she posts photos of them after swimming comps so I find it doubtful.
I maybe will suggest a drawing of them all so we don't all have to get together. Thank you for that suggestion. I hadn't thought of that.

OP posts:
JandalsAlways · 29/05/2023 02:47

Thedogscollar · 28/05/2023 23:43

Yes just do your kids. Your SIL is being ridiculous a 14 and 16 Yr old could easily spare a couple of hours.
I can't understand why people are so difficult. It's the least they could do for their gran as it is a big birthday.

I was going to say this. Do a nice one of your kids, tell her the time and place in advance and let her welcome to know she can come along of she wants to. (Or else arrange with MIL to do with her too, you can get a photographer to come to you so you could always arrange it for the day she has her celebration when everyone is in the same place)

JandalsAlways · 29/05/2023 02:50

Shocked at all the posts who wouldn't get their teens to do it, how sad that you can't be bothered for your own grandmother. Great family values right there 😑

BridgetsBigPants · 29/05/2023 03:26

I have a 14 and 15 year old. I teach them to respect their own boundaries, one isn't keen on photos and generally speaking I don't force it. However if their Nan wanted a special photo of all of her grand children together, I would 100% tell him to get over himself and take the bloody photo.

I really struggle with the way that we have taken notions about self care and prioritising our needs and turned it in to no one else's feeling matter. Yes of course people are allowed to say no but do we really need to turn in to a society, where taking care of ourselves means being so self involved we begrudge a Nana a photo of her grand kids?

I hope you get the photo for your mother in law op but if not the drawing or photo montage sounds like a beautiful present too.

MeAndZee · 29/05/2023 03:29

I think the distance makes it difficult and maybe the family issues you have mentioned are a part of it too. She might be covering up for her kids not wanting to do it by saying that they don’t have time. You know her best.

I do agree with the posters who say that their older kids would not want to do it. My kids said no to this a couple of years ago and I respected that.

adrem · 29/05/2023 03:39

My 3 did all sorts of sports first teams, matches etc. All weekend practices Saturdays and matches Sundays. However if the teams are given sufficient notice then there is no reason they can’t be available to have a photo taken for their grandma.

Occasionally people are ill , accidents, injuries.etc It happens.

I cannot understand why your nephews wouldn’t want to do this, why teenagers would turn around and just say No. Surely this has to be coming from the SIL.

I would ask again, it doesn’t have to be a professional photographer, take some joint photos yourself ( I’d say with a decent camera ) and get them professionally printed up. It should only take minutes.

If SIL still won’t allow it then just take photos of yours. It would be such a shame tho. At least you’ll know you tried your best.

adrem · 29/05/2023 03:41

BridgetsBigPants · 29/05/2023 03:26

I have a 14 and 15 year old. I teach them to respect their own boundaries, one isn't keen on photos and generally speaking I don't force it. However if their Nan wanted a special photo of all of her grand children together, I would 100% tell him to get over himself and take the bloody photo.

I really struggle with the way that we have taken notions about self care and prioritising our needs and turned it in to no one else's feeling matter. Yes of course people are allowed to say no but do we really need to turn in to a society, where taking care of ourselves means being so self involved we begrudge a Nana a photo of her grand kids?

I hope you get the photo for your mother in law op but if not the drawing or photo montage sounds like a beautiful present too.

Well said. I would be exactly the same.

TheseThree · 29/05/2023 03:43

BridgetsBigPants · 29/05/2023 03:26

I have a 14 and 15 year old. I teach them to respect their own boundaries, one isn't keen on photos and generally speaking I don't force it. However if their Nan wanted a special photo of all of her grand children together, I would 100% tell him to get over himself and take the bloody photo.

I really struggle with the way that we have taken notions about self care and prioritising our needs and turned it in to no one else's feeling matter. Yes of course people are allowed to say no but do we really need to turn in to a society, where taking care of ourselves means being so self involved we begrudge a Nana a photo of her grand kids?

I hope you get the photo for your mother in law op but if not the drawing or photo montage sounds like a beautiful present too.

Ding ding ding!

I have a nearly 15 year old who hates photos, but she understands that they have value for some people. She will participate for the people she loves because she understands that participating is a way of showing that love. Does she exude joy? No. But she is present, dressed appropriately and doesn’t have a hissy fit about it. She’s not there out of coercion or because she is required to meekly please others, but rather because she’s been taught autonomy is not a pass for being inconsiderate.

Agree the drawing sounds lovely if you can’t get an actual photograph together.

DreamTheMoors · 29/05/2023 03:56

I’d tell those two teens to sit their asses down because Nana wants a photo.

Christ. It’d take less than an hour and a phone. It’d actually take more like 20 minutes.

The excuses on here for the 15 & 16-yr-old are absurd.
Who put the teens in charge, anyhow?

Nobody’s asking for them to lie down in the street or to drink poison or eat poo or to walk naked to school. It’s one photo for Nana. Surely they can sacrifice 20 minutes for that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/05/2023 04:14

I have a dd, who is the age of one of these teens. Too damn right there’d be an expectation of her to be in the photo. I wouldn’t be able to get her to smile terribly nicely as she’s self conscious. But that’s just life. This is not trampling over her boundaries but showing her she has basic familial obligations for her grandparent, who has given a lot to her. I also cannot imagine refusing for a sport event. Even elite athletes can fit things in a busy schedule and the crucial ones would not be every weekend.

stayathomer · 29/05/2023 04:21

How is 150 miles (or 70 off if you do it closer) away during the day of a weekend a couple of hours? My nieces and nephews of that age have part time weekend jobs and sports, my son does grinds on a Saturday and actually yes when I was a teen I would have dragged my heels to try to get out of it as weekend ls would have been study /work and meeting friends

AConstantGreyInTheClouds · 29/05/2023 05:15

My children would probably both say no to this request. If it was made by someone in my family that I liked, I’d try to persuade them, but if it was still a no, then it’s a no. I may try to soften the blow by saying they’re busy which is maybe what your SIL is doing.

Is SIL and her kids close to their mum/nan? If they’re not, maybe they just won’t put themselves out for her which would be fair enough.

AConstantGreyInTheClouds · 29/05/2023 05:18

To add, you have said you are not close to this SIL, maybe she thinks it’s a bit false to pretend to play happy families to pose for a photo.

Tlolljs · 29/05/2023 05:21

Whatever happens make sure you tell your mil you tried to get the pic for her but sil wouldn’t co operate.
Otherwise I can see you getting the blame.

Ffsmakeitstop · 29/05/2023 05:24

JandalsAlways · 29/05/2023 02:50

Shocked at all the posts who wouldn't get their teens to do it, how sad that you can't be bothered for your own grandmother. Great family values right there 😑

This.

ginnybag · 29/05/2023 05:27

While I would expect my DD to understand and take part - and she's 13, autistic and absolutely hates photos - we'd need a fair old bit of notice to make it. Right now, if you needed her at a weekend in a studio 'round the corner, you'd be looking at slots Sunday morning before 11.30 only. At any distance more than an hour drive, it realistically couldn't happen this side of November.

At 14 and 16, I can well believe they're busier still. You mention swimming comps, and there may well be other hobbies, too. The older one is probably mid-GCSE and may also be working part time. If that's the case, park the conversation full stop till July.

After that, if you can find a photographer who'll do it, you might have better luck with on a weekday evening after 6.30/7ish rather than a weekend.

Honestly, though, if its important to your MIL, get SIL to organise and you fit in with her. It's probably the only way it's going to happen.

Hellenabe · 29/05/2023 05:32

I think the underlying situation here is they don't care for the grandmother enough to bother. My ex MIL is awful and I know her grandchildren wouldn't do the photo thing at all. However had it been someone they genuinely cared for, they would do it

user1492757084 · 29/05/2023 05:36

Plan to visit your SIL family on a weekend when you know the hobby is not intense. (Speak directly to teenagers and also text the date to them.)
Research a cafe or place to eat out together near a park or a nice tree. Or have the teenagers suggest a place to eat with a photo sit option nearby. Have your husband, yourself or SIL take snaps before the meal. Then all enjoy yourselves.
Make it more than just about photos but do make the photo idea known to the teenagers and give them some organising kudos..

user1492757084 · 29/05/2023 05:38

Alternatively, your kids could be spectators at their older cousins' hobby and have a photo and meal then and there.

newname642 · 29/05/2023 05:45

As it's a milestone birthday for your MIL, is there going to be any family gathering at all? I know you've said you're not ones for big parties but hopefully SIL and her kids will be seeing MIL at some stage to celebrate her birthday? Could you all meet for a picnic or lunch? That way you could take photos that would have MIL in as well as the grandchildren and would be a reminder of a happy day.

Roselilly36 · 29/05/2023 06:20

Honestly I would just leave it, SIL must have reasons why she is being obstructive, who knows why that would be. Just give your MIL a photo of your kids on her birthday, others can take photos of theirs should they want to and perhaps they could go in a frame with multiple photo slots? It was a nice idea though, OP.

Batalax · 29/05/2023 06:22

BridgetsBigPants · 29/05/2023 03:26

I have a 14 and 15 year old. I teach them to respect their own boundaries, one isn't keen on photos and generally speaking I don't force it. However if their Nan wanted a special photo of all of her grand children together, I would 100% tell him to get over himself and take the bloody photo.

I really struggle with the way that we have taken notions about self care and prioritising our needs and turned it in to no one else's feeling matter. Yes of course people are allowed to say no but do we really need to turn in to a society, where taking care of ourselves means being so self involved we begrudge a Nana a photo of her grand kids?

I hope you get the photo for your mother in law op but if not the drawing or photo montage sounds like a beautiful present too.

This.

ToeJammed · 29/05/2023 06:28

Horrible that the teens mentioned here won't spare a couple of hours for their grandmother, yet their grandmother would probably lay down her life for them.
Still, I suppose if it's not a selfie then it's not worth the effort.

Batalax · 29/05/2023 06:30

I'm unsure what has been said but Mil is making comments about SIL feeling I was being bossy.

That is sil trying to get in first, to justify what she knows is poor behaviour. Otherwise it doesn’t look good if you tell mil the nice thing you are trying to do that sil has blocked.