Page 7 | They must be available at some point.

botheritsgone · 2023-05-28T22:36:05+00:00

My MIL is about to have a milestone birthday. We are not in the habit of giving lots of gifts or having big parties. However, Mil did mention she would quite like a photo of all the grandchildren together. This is proving very difficult. I enquired locally and told my SIL about the availability around here for photographers. I also said that if it was helpful we could come to a location closer to them. They are about 150 miles away. SIL said that she wouldn't be able to get her teens together for a photo because she couldn't tell them what to do and all have busy social lives. I realise my kids are much younger at 5&3 but can you really not even ask your 14&16 year olds to keep a couple of hours free one weekend to get a photo for their grandma? I'm unsure what has been said but Mil is making comments about SIL feeling I was being bossy. That wasn't my intention. I was just trying to get something organised. I can't see there ever being a point where my nephews aren't busy and the photo actually happening. Mil does a lot for everyone so it would be nice to do the one thing she has asked for but hey not my mother. AIBU to just give up on the idea? Maybe just get a photo of my two for their Gran.

Nicecow · 29/05/2023 09:12

You've already failed as a parent if you've raised teenagers who are this apathetic towards their own granny, can only imagine what kind of adults they'll turn out to be 👹🤡💩

WonderingWanda · 29/05/2023 09:18

Your sil sounds like a pain in the arse who is making excuses and being obstructive because she is jealous of you and would not like you to get credit for organising such a thoughtful gift.

I have no time for all this 'I can't make my teenagers do this' nonsense'. If they are nice kids, well brought up they would want to do this for their grandparent. Sil should want to do this for her mother. I suspect it has more to do with it being your idea than the actual logistics.

Going off topic a bit, but I speak to parents all the time (teacher) who seem to have no control over their teenagers. They often seem astonished when I suggest they put in place some sort of consequence for undesirable behaviours. Usually they say it's not possible because then their teenagers would be moody or shout at them 🙄

RecklessBlackberries · 29/05/2023 09:25

It sounds like you did go about this in a bossy way, so I'm not surprised SIL has her back up.

Why did you enquire about local options when SIL is 150 miles away? That just sounds like pressure to get her to come to you. Like "oh well I've already spent time and effort researching this, but I guess we could also do it nearer to you if you insist..."

Normal people would have just said "MIL wants a photo of all the kids, would that be possible?" and then gone on to research and discuss the practicalities. Not assumed it was fine and only researched and presented convenient options for themselves.

Conkersinautumn · 29/05/2023 09:28

Before my grandparents died we wanted a group photo but struggled, so we took family groups (their four children and their families, children and grandchildren and great grands) and a lovely picture of them separately then had them made into a large poster size with some picture apertures in a nice frame and a copy for each family group. Definitely the practical option.
So four group pictures and a lovely picture of them as a couple in the centre. They loved it.

But it should be fairly easy to book an hours photo session and expect teens to do as they're asked for their grandmother!

GoodVibesHere · 29/05/2023 09:29

MrsMikeDrop · 29/05/2023 08:44

There was a thread yesterday talking about how old people were treated in UK vs. Other countries. I can't imagine many other cultures where young children adults show such disregard for their own grandmother

Oof, that old chestnut. Other cultures. In reality, you would find that the obligations demanded of younger generations by elders, and the duties involved to ensure that the matriarch gets what she is 'owed', result in a life which is not quite so rosy as you envisage I'm afraid.

The practices of these 'other cultures' aren't necessarily what we should aspire to (before you ask, yes, I speak from personal experience).

adrem · 29/05/2023 09:31

CeeceeBloomingdale · 29/05/2023 08:34

While I don't disagree with you OP your timing is atrocious. Slap bang in the middle of GCSEs. It's a stressful time for students and parents, they are probably trying to hold things together. Perhaps as you are married into the family and SIL is blood she feels like you are stepping on her toes and making her feel a bit inadequate for not organising anything herself. I'd throw the ball into her court.

Only the 16 yr old would be doing GCSEs.
OP has said she’ll travel to them.
It’s an hour !

SoShallINever · 29/05/2023 09:33

Your children are very young, teens are a different ball game. I disagree with people saying "what kind of grandchild won't do this little thing for Granny". For some teens, struggling with their own body image, having a photo session and being immortalised on Granny's living room wall forever is too horrific to contemplate.

Mikimoto · 29/05/2023 09:37

Do one of those fold-out stand-up 2-frame thingies: one pair of kids in one, one in another. Can all be done with a phone, sent away for printing - would take 10 mins tops to sort the whole thing.

adrem · 29/05/2023 09:38

Truly unbelievable that parents take any notice of 14/16yr olds saying they don’t want to get their photo done for their grandmother.
Entitled little brats!

Too busy, does a weekend job, doesn’t like the camera, has a match,

Cant be arsed as they are too selfious more like.

Cant wait to see how that lot get on with work and bringing up families when it’s not all about them. That attitude won’t survive in the real world,

ThePlan · 29/05/2023 09:39

as well as it being nice to listen to your teens, it’s also nice to teach your teens to be kind and thoughtful human beings. She’s their gran and possibly won’t be around for much longer. It wouldn’t be top of the list for my teens to do but they would do it for granny, as they consider other peoples feelings and have learnt to listen to other people’s needs as well

@FarmGirl78 My children are kind and thoughtful but they didn’t want to have professional photos taken. Thankfully their nan understood. They (and their cousins) organised and paid for something else that they very much appreciated. My daughter and niece also spent hours making them a patchwork quilt/blanket. But yeah, they’re brats who don’t consider others.

adrem · 29/05/2023 09:42

ThePlan · 29/05/2023 09:39

as well as it being nice to listen to your teens, it’s also nice to teach your teens to be kind and thoughtful human beings. She’s their gran and possibly won’t be around for much longer. It wouldn’t be top of the list for my teens to do but they would do it for granny, as they consider other peoples feelings and have learnt to listen to other people’s needs as well

@FarmGirl78 My children are kind and thoughtful but they didn’t want to have professional photos taken. Thankfully their nan understood. They (and their cousins) organised and paid for something else that they very much appreciated. My daughter and niece also spent hours making them a patchwork quilt/blanket. But yeah, they’re brats who don’t consider others.

It doesn’t have to be professional. A nice everyone together photo is all that’s needed.
Gran wanted a photo, they made a blanket. OK

Jibo · 29/05/2023 09:43

BridgetsBigPants · 29/05/2023 03:26

I have a 14 and 15 year old. I teach them to respect their own boundaries, one isn't keen on photos and generally speaking I don't force it. However if their Nan wanted a special photo of all of her grand children together, I would 100% tell him to get over himself and take the bloody photo.

I really struggle with the way that we have taken notions about self care and prioritising our needs and turned it in to no one else's feeling matter. Yes of course people are allowed to say no but do we really need to turn in to a society, where taking care of ourselves means being so self involved we begrudge a Nana a photo of her grand kids?

I hope you get the photo for your mother in law op but if not the drawing or photo montage sounds like a beautiful present too.

This, exactly. Thank god there are still some sensible people out there!

Missedmytoe · 29/05/2023 09:43

JandalsAlways · 29/05/2023 02:50

Shocked at all the posts who wouldn't get their teens to do it, how sad that you can't be bothered for your own grandmother. Great family values right there 😑

I don't see that OP is doing anything wrong. She asked MIL what she'd like, and MIL had made a suggestion.
Perhaps MIL should speak to SIL to say that this is what she wants and not something OP has plucked out of the air.

We did something similar for a family member at their last milestone birthday- siblings, children, grandchildren and nieces/nephews etc. Took a photo ourselves and had it framed.

MarkWithaC · 29/05/2023 09:46

Your SIL is being a cow about it for her own reasons. How mean-spirited she’s been about your MIL supporting you with your newborn.
Can you contact the teens direct? You might get a different response.
I agree with all those saying teens generally benefit from a bit of knowledge that sometimes you need to put yourself out slightly for other people.

NatashaDancing · 29/05/2023 09:46

RecklessBlackberries · 29/05/2023 09:25

It sounds like you did go about this in a bossy way, so I'm not surprised SIL has her back up.

Why did you enquire about local options when SIL is 150 miles away? That just sounds like pressure to get her to come to you. Like "oh well I've already spent time and effort researching this, but I guess we could also do it nearer to you if you insist..."

Normal people would have just said "MIL wants a photo of all the kids, would that be possible?" and then gone on to research and discuss the practicalities. Not assumed it was fine and only researched and presented convenient options for themselves.

Exactly. This is as much all about OP as it is about grandmother.

SpringNotSprung · 29/05/2023 09:47

This wouldn't have been conceivable when my eldest was 16 and mid GCSE. At 14 we were battling an eating disorder and cutting with our dd. My mother, ten years on, doesn't know about the latter.

Teenagers are complex, exam season is fraught. You will learn op. I hope not too hard.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/05/2023 09:47

To everyone saying “oh I’d hate a picture like this” or “I can’t imagine ever wanting a picture like this, they’re so naff…” well so what? It’s not for you. It’s what OP’s MIL wants. You don’t have to like it.

I didn’t especially like the coat I bought my mom for her birthday. I can’t imagine ever wearing a coat like that. But that doesn’t matter because mom liked it and she’s going to be wearing it.

Q2C4 · 29/05/2023 09:54

RooftopParty · 29/05/2023 07:08

Horrible that the teens mentioned here won't spare a couple of hours for their grandmother, yet their grandmother would probably lay down her life for them.
Still, I suppose if it's not a selfie then it's not worth the effort.

My kids would make the time to be with relatives/family friends. They wouldn’t want a photographer taking photos of them and that is their choice. Why should they be made to just because they’re children and someone asks for it?

Because it's the kind thing to do. My GGdad sadly got dementia. As he deteriorated, looking at photos of his family was one thing which still gave him joy.

Teens may not have the empathy to understand how important family photos can be for others as they get older and less able to get out & see people, but when they are older themselves they might regret not doing the kind thing by honouring their grandparents's wishes. That is why it's down to their parents to explain that & set the expectation that they will overcome their own discomfort to bring happiness to someone else.

UWhatNow · 29/05/2023 09:54

I would text the teenagers direct and say ‘Hi Aunty x here - granny wants a photo of all her GC for her birthday - when are you free to arrange?’ I bet they would be compliant and helpful. Most are. It’s only indulgent idiot parents who let teenagers get away with unreasonable diva behaviour.

Some of us adults don’t like having our photo taken either, but you suck it up because that’s life sometimes. You’re not expecting them to do something dangerous or harmful so, ASD or not, it’s a valuable lesson to teach developing young people that sometimes you do shit you don’t don’t want to do, because kindness to others is more important sometimes. And they will survive.

Q2C4 · 29/05/2023 09:54

BitOutOfPractice · 29/05/2023 07:14

I’m all for giving teenagers their autonomy on many many many things. Both of mine were very independent at that age. I am also all for them being kind, thoughtful and learning that everyone - and I mean everyone - has to di stuff they don’t want to occasionally, especially for those they love, that their feelings don’t always trump everyone else’s, and that sometimes, often in fact, that doing something nice for someone actually turns out to be the best feeling ever. Those are the life lessons I’d want to be teaching.

^^ this

FarmGirl78 · 29/05/2023 09:56

ThePlan · 29/05/2023 09:39

as well as it being nice to listen to your teens, it’s also nice to teach your teens to be kind and thoughtful human beings. She’s their gran and possibly won’t be around for much longer. It wouldn’t be top of the list for my teens to do but they would do it for granny, as they consider other peoples feelings and have learnt to listen to other people’s needs as well

@FarmGirl78 My children are kind and thoughtful but they didn’t want to have professional photos taken. Thankfully their nan understood. They (and their cousins) organised and paid for something else that they very much appreciated. My daughter and niece also spent hours making them a patchwork quilt/blanket. But yeah, they’re brats who don’t consider others.

@ThePlan I have NO idea why you've tagged me in this post when what you've quoted isn't what I wrote, and I've certainly never called your children brats or implied they are.

Q2C4 · 29/05/2023 10:02

Sigmama · 29/05/2023 08:04

I can't imagine being a grandma and the one thing I want is a photo of my 4 grandkids together, especially when I had probably been sent loads on whatsapp already

I find it strange that some people can't imagine wanting a photo of all their grandchildren, effectively their life's legacy, all together.

My grandparents on one side had 19 grandchildren and a photo of them all together took pride of place on their mantle piece.

CherryCokeFanatic · 29/05/2023 10:07

I wouldn’t sweat it.

Not on you to solve it. If MIL mentions it again then say you asked but the teens apparently weren’t up for it.

Absolutely not your problem lol

Longdarkcloud · 29/05/2023 10:07

OP I recommend you look on Etsy where there a number of people offering to do artistic things with photos. If

LoveQuinnOhDearyMe · 29/05/2023 10:09

Some of the replies on here are depressing. I hated having my photo taken as a teen (actually I still do, including selfies) but fir my grandparents I would do it. Of course I would. For crying out loud, it’s a family photo! It’s not a horrendous ordeal. We’ve all got to assume there’s no issue between grandchildren and grandparents here because we don’t know the OP, and, apart from an issue of jealousy that SIL hasn’t recovered from, all seems to be well with this family.

Sometimes in life you have to do things you don’t want to do. That’s life. It’s a photo. A family photo. I’m sure most of the teens who would refuse likely have social media full of photos of themselves.

OP I suggest you try and arrange a day get together, maybe in the holidays, and just say at some point it’s really important that everyone’s there just so you can quickly snap a shot. It’s probably going to mean travelling for you as SIL clearly won’t play ball but I think taking it yourself is the best option here.