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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They must be available at some point.

227 replies

botheritsgone · 28/05/2023 23:36

My MIL is about to have a milestone birthday. We are not in the habit of giving lots of gifts or having big parties. However, Mil did mention she would quite like a photo of all the grandchildren together.
This is proving very difficult. I enquired locally and told my SIL about the availability around here for photographers. I also said that if it was helpful we could come to a location closer to them. They are about 150 miles away.
SIL said that she wouldn't be able to get her teens together for a photo because she couldn't tell them what to do and all have busy social lives.
I realise my kids are much younger at 5&3 but can you really not even ask your 14&16 year olds to keep a couple of hours free one weekend to get a photo for their grandma?
I'm unsure what has been said but Mil is making comments about SIL feeling I was being bossy. That wasn't my intention. I was just trying to get something organised.
I can't see there ever being a point where my nephews aren't busy and the photo actually happening. Mil does a lot for everyone so it would be nice to do the one thing she has asked for but hey not my mother. AIBU to just give up on the idea? Maybe just get a photo of my two for their Gran.

OP posts:
GulesMeansRed · 29/05/2023 07:58

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 29/05/2023 00:09

I wouldn’t tell my teens that they had to have a photo taken. Maybe they don’t want to, maybe they’re genuinely not free at the same time etc. Just get a photo of your own kids if you want to.

I have teenage boys and I would definitely tell them! at 14 and 16 they are still kids, yet old enough to appreciate that sometimes it's not about them and that it is important to granny to have a photo of all her grandkids together.

Lollipopsicle · 29/05/2023 07:58

DreamTheMoors · 29/05/2023 03:56

I’d tell those two teens to sit their asses down because Nana wants a photo.

Christ. It’d take less than an hour and a phone. It’d actually take more like 20 minutes.

The excuses on here for the 15 & 16-yr-old are absurd.
Who put the teens in charge, anyhow?

Nobody’s asking for them to lie down in the street or to drink poison or eat poo or to walk naked to school. It’s one photo for Nana. Surely they can sacrifice 20 minutes for that.

Couldn't agree more.

BethandRip · 29/05/2023 07:59

You have said you have grown apart from SIL. Maybe she’s unfairly jealous or maybe she has reason to be annoyed with favouritism in the family and now won’t put herself out. We don’t know SILs version of events, I bet that would be interesting.

As you have grown apart, it’s not surprising that she doesn’t want to spend time meeting up with you and getting photos done. Your MIL will have to make do with separate photos. As you’re 150 miles apart, it’s not as easy as just taking a photo.

My kids wouldn’t do it for their grandparents, they’ve shown clear favouritism to their cousins and their parents over the years, not that they would admit it. Despite comments here, my kids aren’t selfish or thoughtless, they just keep their energy and efforts for people they like.

Hillrunning · 29/05/2023 08:00

ThePlasticScouser · 29/05/2023 07:47

I appreciate that you had a hard time with your DH away and having a newborn during lockdown, but maybe your SIL feels like it took support away from her. Did she not see her parents during this time as they formed a bubble with you? Did her DS's not see their GP?

Now it is you who is planning her special birthday treat, and she is expected to sort her mums gift out through you. TBH sounds like her nose has been put out of joint. If someone told me I had to do something for my mum, I'd be very obstructive and tell them that I will deal with her directly, not via them.

It sounds to me like your SIL feels you have muscled in on her mum, at her expense. Not saying you shouldn't have any of the help you got, just that is perhaps how she feels.

This is what I was trying to get at. OP think about if you have (intentionally or not) over stepped the mark with this.

It would be very normal to feel resentful that your bothers family gets more of your mums time than yours does.

GoodVibesHere · 29/05/2023 08:00

Surely the entire point of a group photo is that a group of people are together having fun (e.g. a meal/get-together/ holiday/day trip) so you take a snap of you all together to remember it by? Somehow driving for two hours purely to pose for a photo is a bit odd? You'll get them to line up like an official royal family portrait? It all seems so false to me.

Must we really bow to the demands of 'elders'? Does the MIL actually desperately want the photo?

LlynTegid · 29/05/2023 08:03

I realise you are looking at an alternative, but SiL not being insistent on her children being available to meet their cousins for a one-off occasion is poor in my opinion.

Moveoverdarlin · 29/05/2023 08:04

Some people hate this sort of thing. I imagine teenagers might. Meeting my siblings and their partners and then kids from toddler age to teenage age and sweetly posing for photos seems like my idea of hell and we are all very local so not too much arranging or travelling. My Mum wanted to do a similar thing and it never materialised because no one wanted to do it. Get someone decent with a camera to take good photos at the party of you all as a big group, they look so much more genuine than those naff, white studio background ones with forced smiles.

Sigmama · 29/05/2023 08:04

I can't imagine being a grandma and the one thing I want is a photo of my 4 grandkids together, especially when I had probably been sent loads on whatsapp already

dreamingbohemian · 29/05/2023 08:04

I think you are being a bit bossy though -- insisting on a professional photo shoot that they will have to travel for. This would not be my approach at all, I'd just take some photos myself next time we were all together.

You say it's months away, are you not going to see them at all in that time?

It's OK to object to logistics, it doesn't mean they don't love granny.

Saracen · 29/05/2023 08:06

RoseAndRose · 29/05/2023 07:42

I think I'd make it clear that I hadn't intended to be bossy, admit (to both MIL and SIL) that you know nothing about the teens' weekend commitments, and that you will happily leave photo admin to SIL (as it's easy for you to travel with your younger DC)

Sounds perfect.

Brefugee · 29/05/2023 08:06

Contact the teens directly, ask if they could suggest a date if they'd like to be in the photo.
If they can't but want to be in it ask them if they have a photo of them (individually or together) - or a few photos individually and together - and make a collage.
If they don't want to? Just do your children.

Sigmama · 29/05/2023 08:06

Agree with good vibes, it'll be one of those awkward photos where everyone looks uncomfortable, sure grandma will love it!

GoodVibesHere · 29/05/2023 08:06

Sigmama · 29/05/2023 08:04

I can't imagine being a grandma and the one thing I want is a photo of my 4 grandkids together, especially when I had probably been sent loads on whatsapp already

Same here! It seems such an odd request.

Codlingmoths · 29/05/2023 08:09

Tell Dh to tell his sister that you will just give mil a photo of your dc but since it’s his sister can’t he say it’s pretty shit she shows zero interest in doing one very easy present for his mum? And he hopes that one day her kids go to exactly the same zero effort for her.

dreamingbohemian · 29/05/2023 08:10

Sigmama · 29/05/2023 08:04

I can't imagine being a grandma and the one thing I want is a photo of my 4 grandkids together, especially when I had probably been sent loads on whatsapp already

This too! The request seems very old school.

My MIL has so many photos of the kids that she makes a calendar every year from them (from one of those photo websites) and gives them as gifts to us too.

Ginger1982 · 29/05/2023 08:10

I think this is very sad.

I have a similar situation OP in that DH and his siblings make very little effort to do nice things for his parents milestones. When his mother turned 70 I kept pestering him that we should have a nice family dinner. He kept musing about it until the time passed and nothing happened. It's sad, because he and his siblings had parties for their own milestones but won't pull their fingers out for their parents. I gave up in the end as she's not my mother and it wasn't for me to try and organise. His dad has a milestone birthday this year and I'm waiting for nothing to happen once again.

But your DH being abroad doesn't absolve him here. He needs to be dealing with this given it's his family.

NatashaDancing · 29/05/2023 08:17

Lollipopsicle · 29/05/2023 07:58

Couldn't agree more.

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Christ. It’d take less than an hour and a phone. It’d actually take more like 20 minutes.

They are 150 miles away - that's around 3 hours drive to get there.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 29/05/2023 08:17

As the owner of teen boys I can hand on heart say they would rather stick pins in their eyes than sit for a staged unnatural photoshoot.

MaryBeardsShoes · 29/05/2023 08:19

Codlingmoths · 29/05/2023 08:09

Tell Dh to tell his sister that you will just give mil a photo of your dc but since it’s his sister can’t he say it’s pretty shit she shows zero interest in doing one very easy present for his mum? And he hopes that one day her kids go to exactly the same zero effort for her.

Yeah. If I got a message like this from my golden child brother and his golden child wife that would be the final straw for me.

MrsMikeDrop · 29/05/2023 08:22

Gymrabbit · 29/05/2023 07:32

yet another mumsnet thread where it is obvious why a lot of teens are defiant, rude and think the word revolves around them.

If your teens really can’t spare a few hours for an elderly relative (autism excluded) and more importantly you won’t tell them to suck it up and have their photo done on ONE occasion then you have utterly failed as a parent. Are they going to refuse when they go to have work passes done? Or passport photos. Of course not.
you have brought up vile self obsessed creatures and you should be throughly ashamed of both yourselves and them.

Agree!!
I hope grandma sees what selfish little brats some of her grandkids are doesn't leave them anything in her will! These comments are so sad, my nieces and nephews would never have this attitude towards their grandparents. Also how pathetic are the kids if they can't even suck it up for a photoshoot. Seriously despair at humanity of these are our future leaders.

Sigmama · 29/05/2023 08:24

Mrsmikedrop,I doubt these kids are our future leaders! Despair is a tad over reaction

ZeroFuchsGiven · 29/05/2023 08:26

MrsMikeDrop · 29/05/2023 08:22

Agree!!
I hope grandma sees what selfish little brats some of her grandkids are doesn't leave them anything in her will! These comments are so sad, my nieces and nephews would never have this attitude towards their grandparents. Also how pathetic are the kids if they can't even suck it up for a photoshoot. Seriously despair at humanity of these are our future leaders.

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Not everyone wants to sit in front of a camera for a fake photo. Personally I think they are the worst, I would much rather see natural photos.

AppleCinnamonBagel · 29/05/2023 08:26

RooftopParty · 29/05/2023 00:47

My MIL was keen to get all the grandchildren together for a photo but none of the the older ones, mind included, wanted to so it didn’t happen. I refused to make my kids do it, it was their choice.

I think that's selfish. It's not about you all the time! You should give some thought to other people's feelings sometimes, try it one day. Maybe MIL ought to reconsider who she gives Christmas and birthday presents to! Bet your ungrateful children would soon object if they got given nothing on special occasions.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/05/2023 08:30

ZeroFuchsGiven · 29/05/2023 08:26

Not everyone wants to sit in front of a camera for a fake photo. Personally I think they are the worst, I would much rather see natural photos.

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It isn’t about what you and your dc’s want or would rather see though. This is a small, selfless gesture for a woman, who is getting on in years and who loves her family.

TequilaNights · 29/05/2023 08:30

Take individual photos yourselves (Sil do her kids, you do yours) as nice as you can, and then have them put in a photo together.

Not what you originally wanted, but solves the needing to all be together.