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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They must be available at some point.

227 replies

botheritsgone · 28/05/2023 23:36

My MIL is about to have a milestone birthday. We are not in the habit of giving lots of gifts or having big parties. However, Mil did mention she would quite like a photo of all the grandchildren together.
This is proving very difficult. I enquired locally and told my SIL about the availability around here for photographers. I also said that if it was helpful we could come to a location closer to them. They are about 150 miles away.
SIL said that she wouldn't be able to get her teens together for a photo because she couldn't tell them what to do and all have busy social lives.
I realise my kids are much younger at 5&3 but can you really not even ask your 14&16 year olds to keep a couple of hours free one weekend to get a photo for their grandma?
I'm unsure what has been said but Mil is making comments about SIL feeling I was being bossy. That wasn't my intention. I was just trying to get something organised.
I can't see there ever being a point where my nephews aren't busy and the photo actually happening. Mil does a lot for everyone so it would be nice to do the one thing she has asked for but hey not my mother. AIBU to just give up on the idea? Maybe just get a photo of my two for their Gran.

OP posts:
EverythingsCominUpMilhouse · 29/05/2023 06:35

JulianFawcettMP · 29/05/2023 00:33

I'd hate this but I would suck it up and teach my children not to be so ducking selfish

Yep. I don't understand why so many parents are so wishy washy / incapable of instilling thoughtfulness and empathy in their kids?

I feel sorry for our own kids who will have to deal with their selfish children when they're all grown up. Thanks guys 👍🏼

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 29/05/2023 06:41

Horrible that the teens mentioned here won't spare a couple of hours for their grandmother, yet their grandmother would probably lay down her life for them.
Still, I suppose if it's not a selfie then it's not worth the effort.

It’s not horrible. For my children, it wouldn’t be the time that’s an issue, they regularly spend time with the people that they love and love them. They wouldn’t all want to go to have professional photographs taken though. And no, none of my kids are the sort to take selfies and they don’t put photos of themselves on social media. Nice bit of judgement there though. Maybe look at your own “horribleness“ before calling out others you know nothing about.

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 29/05/2023 06:45

Yep. I don't understand why so many parents are so wishy washy / incapable of instilling thoughtfulness and empathy in their kids?

Is it being thoughtful and empathetic to make your children do things they’re uncomfortable with, I don’t think so. My kids would happily go for a meal or spend time with someone they loved, but not all of them would want to sit for professional photos. One of them is autistic and it wouldn’t be something they could do. But another one, judging away. 🙄

Augend23 · 29/05/2023 06:53

ginnybag · 29/05/2023 05:27

While I would expect my DD to understand and take part - and she's 13, autistic and absolutely hates photos - we'd need a fair old bit of notice to make it. Right now, if you needed her at a weekend in a studio 'round the corner, you'd be looking at slots Sunday morning before 11.30 only. At any distance more than an hour drive, it realistically couldn't happen this side of November.

At 14 and 16, I can well believe they're busier still. You mention swimming comps, and there may well be other hobbies, too. The older one is probably mid-GCSE and may also be working part time. If that's the case, park the conversation full stop till July.

After that, if you can find a photographer who'll do it, you might have better luck with on a weekday evening after 6.30/7ish rather than a weekend.

Honestly, though, if its important to your MIL, get SIL to organise and you fit in with her. It's probably the only way it's going to happen.

This side of November??

I think if I had no weekends with even a single day free between now and November (i.e. 5 months notice) I'd go insane due to a lack of down time.

I'm not sure being unable to wrest a single day of free time over the course of 5 months is standard even during busy teenage years.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/05/2023 06:54

I’d strongly suggest that the nephews know nothing about this. I think the SiL thinks you are treading on her toes because it’s her mom.

as for the people who wouldn’t oblige their teenagers to do this, it must be fun in your houses!

Augend23 · 29/05/2023 06:55

Augend23 · 29/05/2023 06:53

This side of November??

I think if I had no weekends with even a single day free between now and November (i.e. 5 months notice) I'd go insane due to a lack of down time.

I'm not sure being unable to wrest a single day of free time over the course of 5 months is standard even during busy teenage years.

Show quote history

I should probably clarify that I don't have kids that age so I may just be hopelessly out of date with my beliefs!

red78hot · 29/05/2023 07:03

Just do your kids and forget about sil. I wouldn't be bothering her again, I don't tolerate " tale telling " in adults. She'd have burnt her bridge by running to mil complaining about being bossed around.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 29/05/2023 07:03

Some of the replies on here 🙄 do you actually do any parenting once your kids become teens? Fuck me.
OP, since your mil has commented on sil saying you were bossy, step back. Next time mil mentions it say you tried and repeat what she said to you. Your efforts are obviously not appreciated so don't bother. Let one of her children sort it out.

Fenty1 · 29/05/2023 07:04

I too am shocked at all these responses whose teens wouldn't do this for their grandparent. My mum recently turned 70 and my ds 15 had a photo taken with his much younger sibling and cousins. Although I admit he wasn't overly keen, he would never have refused because he loves his Grandma and knew it was a lovely present for her. I think your SIL sounds jealous that you are trying to sort this and is being awkward on purpose. Give her 1 chance to join in- e g pick a date and say this is when we are getting it done and then if not just get one of your 2. And if u really want to piss her off, you and hubby get in the photo too 😂

Powertoyou · 29/05/2023 07:05

Teenagers spent their whole taking pictures or having selfies.

ToeJammed · 29/05/2023 07:07

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 29/05/2023 06:45

Yep. I don't understand why so many parents are so wishy washy / incapable of instilling thoughtfulness and empathy in their kids?

Is it being thoughtful and empathetic to make your children do things they’re uncomfortable with, I don’t think so. My kids would happily go for a meal or spend time with someone they loved, but not all of them would want to sit for professional photos. One of them is autistic and it wouldn’t be something they could do. But another one, judging away. 🙄

It's a photo, not a naked trek up the Everest.

RooftopParty · 29/05/2023 07:08

Horrible that the teens mentioned here won't spare a couple of hours for their grandmother, yet their grandmother would probably lay down her life for them.
Still, I suppose if it's not a selfie then it's not worth the effort.

My kids would make the time to be with relatives/family friends. They wouldn’t want a photographer taking photos of them and that is their choice. Why should they be made to just because they’re children and someone asks for it?

CurlewKate · 29/05/2023 07:09

I really think it's OK to expect teenagers to do things they don't want to sometimes simply because someone else wants them to. That's how society works! "Grandma would like a photo of all of her grandchildren for her birthday. Which of these 3 dates/times can you manage?" is what would happen in my family.

RooftopParty · 29/05/2023 07:09

Teenagers spent their whole taking pictures or having selfies.

Maybe your kids do. Why is that? My kids don’t.

Sigmama · 29/05/2023 07:10

I think it's up to her own kids to organise gift, not sure why being abroad prevents your dh sorting it out, there are phones and Internet n shit

ToeJammed · 29/05/2023 07:11

RooftopParty · 29/05/2023 07:09

Teenagers spent their whole taking pictures or having selfies.

Maybe your kids do. Why is that? My kids don’t.

My kids are beyond teenagers, whether they take selfies or not I have no idea.
That said, they would happily pose for a photo for their loving grandmother, whatever age they were.
Why don't yours?

PoseyFlump · 29/05/2023 07:12

It's one photo that's going to sit on Nan's sideboard, not be splashed all over the internet.

Some of the replies on here are embarrassing. No wonder kids are so fucked up with parents like some of you. Bet you let them same teenagers lie in till late afternoon too.

GoodChat · 29/05/2023 07:12

What is the plan for her actual birthday? Why not (finances allowing) organise a party/family weekend away/meal and just get a picture of all of the grandchildren together then, and present it to her afterwards?

Do not contact the nephews as others are suggesting. That'd add fuel to SIL's 'bossy' fire and will make her less inclined to join any kind of family event.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/05/2023 07:14

I’m all for giving teenagers their autonomy on many many many things. Both of mine were very independent at that age. I am also all for them being kind, thoughtful and learning that everyone - and I mean everyone - has to di stuff they don’t want to occasionally, especially for those they love, that their feelings don’t always trump everyone else’s, and that sometimes, often in fact, that doing something nice for someone actually turns out to be the best feeling ever. Those are the life lessons I’d want to be teaching.

Sigmama · 29/05/2023 07:17

Good chat, good idea, I also think getting people together for one photo who live 150 miles apart is hard work

DontTouchMyMug · 29/05/2023 07:18

I'm quite aghast at the willingness to indulge teens who don't want to do a perfectly normal thing that would make their granny happy.

OP I'd get your DH on the case and ask him to find out from his sister what's going on.

Notonthestairs · 29/05/2023 07:21

I would ditch the idea of the group photo altogether. No merger photos or photoshop.

Just get one of your two.

I suspect your SIL is being deliberately awkward because for whatever reason she thinks you are overstepping. A bit of a failure to see the overall picture on her part but not much you can do about it.

I have kids the same age - 1 with SN - and I'd absolutely talk to them about making time to do something nice for their grandparent. But I don't have an axe to grind with my SILs.

GoodVibesHere · 29/05/2023 07:24

toomuchlaundry · 29/05/2023 00:39

Many teens don’t like having their photo taken

Exactly! It's ridiculous to demand a photo of them.

I'm sure your MIL would be happy with flowers, chocs, jewellery, whatever else for her birthday?

DontTouchMyMug · 29/05/2023 07:26

*Exactly! It's ridiculous to demand a photo of them.

I'm sure your MIL would be happy with flowers, chocs, jewellery, whatever else for her birthday?*

WTAF are you actually being serious?

EverythingsCominUpMilhouse · 29/05/2023 07:27

BitOutOfPractice · 29/05/2023 07:14

I’m all for giving teenagers their autonomy on many many many things. Both of mine were very independent at that age. I am also all for them being kind, thoughtful and learning that everyone - and I mean everyone - has to di stuff they don’t want to occasionally, especially for those they love, that their feelings don’t always trump everyone else’s, and that sometimes, often in fact, that doing something nice for someone actually turns out to be the best feeling ever. Those are the life lessons I’d want to be teaching.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼