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Original poster

Is H dealing with this in the right way?

137 replies

userhank · 28/05/2023 21:46

We have DS together he's 5. Also have dss who is 9. They have not been getting along well at all now for the last couple of months. It's always the same thing.

DS misses dss. Dss comes to stay (eow and school holidays) and DS wants to play with him. Dss doesn't want to play.

DS then gets angry at this and lashes out at everyone, dss included. Dss then refuses to play with DS for the rest of the weekend because his brother is mean. However he never wants to play with DS to begin with. It's a viscous circle.

I had a word with dss last weekend and explained that while I know his brothers lashing out is unacceptable, DS just misses him and wants to play with his brother. DS is generally a really good boy. Never in trouble at school, very polite and well mannered. I don't have any issues with him really until dss arrives and it all kicks off.

This weekend, dss arrived and said he was going to make a real effort with DS this weekend. He promised us he was going to play with his brother and spend spend some time with him. Until 5 minutes later, DS asked him to play, dss said no and the whole thing kicked off again.

I try deal with this amicably. I can see it from both sides. My son misses his brother when he's not here and hers excited for him to come. My step son thinks his little brother is mean and all he does is hit and kick him.

H has had enough and took dss to his mums for the rest of the weekend and has sent me a text to say the boys will no longer see each other. He has also fallen out with me too it seems.

So I have 3 children to deal with here.

I've been apart of my step sons life since he was a baby and I love him very much. He's a good kid. However there is a side to him which I've seen on going which H is completely oblivious too. Dss is jealous of DS. He will get DS into trouble and blame DS for everything even when he is not at fault. H immediately takes the side of dss and my son gets into trouble. This doesn't happen all the time but there is a lot more too this than just dss doesn't want to play. I think dss has figured out that if he says 'no' to DS, then DS will start kicking and hitting and then that gets DS into trouble.

So sad but I think that's what's happening here. H cannot see any of this at all. I've tried to explain it to him but he just shuts me down.

I also think there is too much of a big deal being made if it. They are brothers. They will fight. Sometimes my so can say the smallest thing to dss without even meaning too and dss will go in the hugest sulk and it just doesn't get forgotten about. I have 2 kids fr a previous relationship and they fight like cat and dog every day but they don't hold grudges. It's forgotten about minutes later. Dss gets on well with my kids, just not his brother.

I think I'm done with this step mum malarkey. I'm not being horrible about my step son here. I'm not an evil step mum. I've done so much for him and done everything I can to make sure he's as included in our family as can be. There is issues but I feel I'm the only one that can see them and H is just not listening to me. And now he's buggered off sulking, taken dss with him and left my little boy wondering where the hell his brother and dad have gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
userhank · 28/05/2023 22:20

X

OP posts:
Valour · 28/05/2023 22:23

Step son should not be under any pressure or obligation to play with your son. At all. I'm sorry, it must be tough and feel like rejection to DS, but it's really not on tp put that pressure on your DSS.

Original poster
userhank · 28/05/2023 22:26

Valour · 28/05/2023 22:23

Step son should not be under any pressure or obligation to play with your son. At all. I'm sorry, it must be tough and feel like rejection to DS, but it's really not on tp put that pressure on your DSS.

I haven't put any pressure on him at all. We don't expect him to play at all.

But I don't think it's my sons fault either. He has a good relationship with my kids )who obviously he sees a lot more of) and plays with them every day. My son just hopes for the same from his brother.

I spend my weekends keeping my son away from dss.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 28/05/2023 22:27

If he doesn't want to play with him, he doesn't want to play with him, 5 year olds can be pretty annoying...

Instead of trying to engineer this playing, can you do something else where the boys are together instead, family swimming, play areas, all play football etc etc. Then when DSD is at home, if he doesn't want to play then as long as he's not being unpleasant, so be it.

TokyoSushi · 28/05/2023 22:28

*DSS

Theunamedcat · 28/05/2023 22:28

Dss shouldn't make promises he has no intention of keeping

Ds shouldn't be lashing out

DH is acting like a knob how is he planning on seeing both children separately when you split? Seperate days weeks weekends? Pick your favourite? OR will he mediate between the two so they get along? 🤔

Maybe ask him because he seems to be taking it all out on you and ds and that's unfair

Soubriquet · 28/05/2023 22:28

I’m sorry but I agree. It doesn’t matter if your son wants to play with his brother. Your stepson does not have to play if he doesn’t want to.

He needs to learn that he can’t have everything he wants all the time and that lashing out is only going to push people away, and get him in trouble. You are punishing him when he does this right? You’re not “oooooh Alfie. I’m so sorry Bobby doesn’t want to play with you. Come and play with mummy”

NotAHouse · 28/05/2023 22:28

Can't believe this is real, but a 5 year old shouldn't be hitting and kicking because someone doesn't want to play with him.

LIZS · 28/05/2023 22:28

Agree, dss has the right to his own space and not be pressured to play. Your and h role is to distract ds and entertain them separately if needs be. Do your dc live ft with you? He has overreacted by withdrawing altogether though, that is not a solution long term. When things are calmer you need to discuss it again.

Ontheperiphery79 · 28/05/2023 22:29

I don't know many 9 year olds that would want to play with a 5 year old, sibling relationship regardless.
I definitely understand why your DSS doesn't want to play with a much younger child who then kicks off and lashes out when he doesn't get his own way.
Good on your DH for taking his son to MIL's for the weekend to allow him to decompress, away from the expectation to play with a sibling he clearly doesn't want to bond with in the manner that you desire.
Your DSS is stating his boundaries around what he would and would like to do whilst visiting his Dad and, as much fun as his younger half-sibling lashing out at him sounds, I think it's totally unfair to guilt him into playing with his stroppy little brother.

SavBlancTonight · 28/05/2023 22:30

My dc have that age gap. They play v little together. You are being ridiculous expecting a 9 year old.to.play with a 5 year old for any extended.length of time

It's not just about how much your ds wants to play. Younger siblings ALWAYS want to play with their older siblings. Doesn't mean they get to.

Original poster
userhank · 28/05/2023 22:33

TokyoSushi · 28/05/2023 22:27

If he doesn't want to play with him, he doesn't want to play with him, 5 year olds can be pretty annoying...

Instead of trying to engineer this playing, can you do something else where the boys are together instead, family swimming, play areas, all play football etc etc. Then when DSD is at home, if he doesn't want to play then as long as he's not being unpleasant, so be it.

I should of said in the post that I don't expect dss to play. I should do also said that H has had to work overtime a lot lately so I'm dealing with this on my own a lot of the time.

My mum is here a lot on a weekend. Whenever I suggest doing anything, dss just wants to stay with my mum rather than come out with us.

I told H today when it all started that I would just take them out rather than be stuck in the house but H was that fed up that he just walked out with dss and left.

I've tried to speak to my 5 year old about this but he's too young to understand. He actually wants to do the same thing as his brother - gaming. It just DS wants to play a different game than what dss wants to play.

Again I should of said - it's not like DS wants play hide and seek or anything like that. He just wants to play a different game on Xboxes.

I just wish H would actually help me with it

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 28/05/2023 22:34

It sounds like you are landing the blame on your dss for your ds' poor behaviour, when your dss is actually the one being hurt.

It's pretty understandable that he doesn't want to play with much younger kid who hits him. It isn't your dss' responsibility to manage your ds' behaviour or to entertain him.

It's your responsibility to closely supervise at flash points such as when your dss arrives, and to correct any violent behaviour. 5yo is plenty old enough to know you aren't allow to hurt people if they don't want to play with you.

Soubriquet · 28/05/2023 22:34

5 years old is NOT too young to understand. He is plenty old enough to realise that the games he wants to play, and the ones his brother plays are completely different.

Whatyoutalkingabouteh · 28/05/2023 22:35

Would they get on if you did an activity together out of the house?

Polik · 28/05/2023 22:35

It is no child's responsibility to have to play with another. Your 5yo needs to learn that. Allow your 9yo to be a child too and do his own thing.

Original poster
userhank · 28/05/2023 22:37

SavBlancTonight · 28/05/2023 22:30

My dc have that age gap. They play v little together. You are being ridiculous expecting a 9 year old.to.play with a 5 year old for any extended.length of time

It's not just about how much your ds wants to play. Younger siblings ALWAYS want to play with their older siblings. Doesn't mean they get to.

I haven't said I expect him to play. I spend my weekends keeping DS away from him. I don't expect dss to play. All DS wants to do is game with his brother but on separate games.

I then end up spending my entire weekend playing with my son so dss has his son space.

Then I have H who is zero help to me at all and falls out with me even though I'm trying to keep it all going along as best as I can.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 28/05/2023 22:40

My two are same age difference they usually play together for a bit then seperate and do their own thing eldest has always been cautioned not to promise to play unless he means it, its not always successful because they are children but it works for the most part and now they have switches and an xbox they can cross platform on its much easier

Original poster
userhank · 28/05/2023 22:41

Whatyoutalkingabouteh · 28/05/2023 22:35

Would they get on if you did an activity together out of the house?

It depends what it is really. We went to the park a couple of weeks ago and they were playing football but dss ended up sulking because DS doesn't underhand the rules of football so I told DS home so dss could play with his dad.

It's got to the point where dss doesn't want to do anything at all.

H is constantly telling dss before he leaves for work that he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do when he's here so I end up feeling I just have to do whatever dss wants.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 28/05/2023 22:41

I've tried to speak to my 5 year old about this but he's too young to understand.

He is old enough NOT to kick and hit others. My god, stop being ridiculous. Discipline your child properly. Even an adult wouldn't want to be around if he acts like this. You really think schools would say he's too young?

Your poor dss is being bullied and you are allowing it.

Theunamedcat · 28/05/2023 22:42

userhank · 28/05/2023 22:37

I haven't said I expect him to play. I spend my weekends keeping DS away from him. I don't expect dss to play. All DS wants to do is game with his brother but on separate games.

I then end up spending my entire weekend playing with my son so dss has his son space.

Then I have H who is zero help to me at all and falls out with me even though I'm trying to keep it all going along as best as I can.

Show quote history

I'm getting the feeling no-one is really reading what your saying

You have a DH problem

InceyWinceySpidy · 28/05/2023 22:42

OP you can't see it, but it's DS who is the problem here. And it's not because you're deliberately defending him, I can see that you genuinely feel that DS is sad, and wondering where daddy and big brother are.

What is screaming out to the rest of us, is that DSS does not want to play with a 5yr old. He wants to play with his peers, ie your older children.

The 5yr old keeps pestering him when he's trying to play his Xbox, wanting different games, then essentially attacking DSS when he says "no."

The only person who thinks it's endearing that DS misses his big brother, is you. This is no fun for DSS at all. He can't relax in his own father's home because DS is wanting to play continually. So yes, DH has done the right thing by taking DSS out for the day, so the boy can breathe! And he's annoyed with you for not seeing why this was imperative. You only see poor DS, abandoned by his own father and the brother he loves so much.

crazeekat · 28/05/2023 22:42

i think they are all being unreasonable. husband by leaving with dss and basically showing dss how to get all his attention. dd is learning to kick off to get what he wants. the next time it starts i would take myself off out and have dh deal with it all. it's not ur job to keep everyone happy.
there is defo some jealously at play dss and ds so they need to share more eg 20 mins of one game, then they switch. they play well together then they get rewarded. small steps. i don't think it is unreasonable to expect dss to at least give a little bit of time to ur dd, they are brothers and need to learn to tolerate each other.

Original poster
userhank · 28/05/2023 22:43

Pixiedust1234 · 28/05/2023 22:41

I've tried to speak to my 5 year old about this but he's too young to understand.

He is old enough NOT to kick and hit others. My god, stop being ridiculous. Discipline your child properly. Even an adult wouldn't want to be around if he acts like this. You really think schools would say he's too young?

Your poor dss is being bullied and you are allowing it.

My ds is punished believe me. By us both but more by his dad.

OP posts:
parietal · 28/05/2023 22:44

If you want the boys to play, you have to structure the play and supervise v closely. So all 3 of you play a board game or do geocaching or similar. You can't expect Dss to play with DS without an adult.

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