Is H dealing with this in the right way?

[userhank]

We have DS together he's 5. Also have dss who is 9. They have not been getting along well at all now for the last couple of months. It's always the same thing.

DS misses dss. Dss comes to stay (eow and school holidays) and DS wants to play with him. Dss doesn't want to play.

DS then gets angry at this and lashes out at everyone, dss included. Dss then refuses to play with DS for the rest of the weekend because his brother is mean. However he never wants to play with DS to begin with. It's a viscous circle.

I had a word with dss last weekend and explained that while I know his brothers lashing out is unacceptable, DS just misses him and wants to play with his brother. DS is generally a really good boy. Never in trouble at school, very polite and well mannered. I don't have any issues with him really until dss arrives and it all kicks off.

This weekend, dss arrived and said he was going to make a real effort with DS this weekend. He promised us he was going to play with his brother and spend spend some time with him. Until 5 minutes later, DS asked him to play, dss said no and the whole thing kicked off again.

I try deal with this amicably. I can see it from both sides. My son misses his brother when he's not here and hers excited for him to come. My step son thinks his little brother is mean and all he does is hit and kick him.

H has had enough and took dss to his mums for the rest of the weekend and has sent me a text to say the boys will no longer see each other. He has also fallen out with me too it seems.

So I have 3 children to deal with here.

I've been apart of my step sons life since he was a baby and I love him very much. He's a good kid. However there is a side to him which I've seen on going which H is completely oblivious too. Dss is jealous of DS. He will get DS into trouble and blame DS for everything even when he is not at fault. H immediately takes the side of dss and my son gets into trouble. This doesn't happen all the time but there is a lot more too this than just dss doesn't want to play. I think dss has figured out that if he says 'no' to DS, then DS will start kicking and hitting and then that gets DS into trouble.

So sad but I think that's what's happening here. H cannot see any of this at all. I've tried to explain it to him but he just shuts me down.

I also think there is too much of a big deal being made if it. They are brothers. They will fight. Sometimes my so can say the smallest thing to dss without even meaning too and dss will go in the hugest sulk and it just doesn't get forgotten about. I have 2 kids fr a previous relationship and they fight like cat and dog every day but they don't hold grudges. It's forgotten about minutes later. Dss gets on well with my kids, just not his brother.

I think I'm done with this step mum malarkey. I'm not being horrible about my step son here. I'm not an evil step mum. I've done so much for him and done everything I can to make sure he's as included in our family as can be. There is issues but I feel I'm the only one that can see them and H is just not listening to me. And now he's buggered off sulking, taken dss with him and left my little boy wondering where the hell his brother and dad have gone.

I'm just amazed that people keep wittering on about DSS and him "feeling included" and "not being bothered by the DS".

There is a grown man here who is blaming a 5yo for a complex situation, losing it with him and hitting him. You only need to look at some of the awful child abuse cases which occurred during lockdown to see how this could potentially escalate. If I was the OP, I'd be very wary of leaving DS alone with his dad.

You're not surprised an adult man has hit a 5yo? Wow.

Yeah because a grown man losing his temper and hitting a five year old child as a result is a great way to teach that five year old not to hit or kick when they lose their temper 🙄

should of said in the post that I don't expect dss to play. I should do also said that H has had to work overtime a lot lately so I'm dealing with this on my own a lot of the time

Well that's sorted then. You no longer, according to your husband have to look after him. Score.

Or as a PP suggested, he needs to sort out childcare as you're off out doing fun stuff.

Your husband has a favourite kid. That's it. There's no way to change that if the other adult doesn't want to see it.

All of this.

He's a shit dad to his kids so having him around 100% of the time raising your own biological son when he hits him is a Bad Idea.

I agree with this.

Dss is jealous of DS.

Of course he is. DSS is a boy, he strongly identifies with his father. His father spends more time with a rival boy . From DSS POV DSS has been abandoned by his central role model Dad and now he feels displaced by a rival that dad favours. . He never asked for this situation; don't delude your self that he welcomed a cuckoo in his broken nest.

On one hand you call them brothers but a second later you're done with this stepmother malarkey. The pretence is over; you do NOT love them equally and DSS is acutely aware of it. He's not your Number 1 son. Nothing he can ever do will win that prize. You adults have showed him, love is not equal between adults; or between adults and children. Adults have favourites.

Now he's showing you; his rival is resented and rejected far more than loved .

FWIW, a 9 yr old has so little in common with a 5 yr old; you really can't expect them to play much together and its unfair to blame the older one for that.

I've been in his life since he was a baby.

When he was a toddler, I I poked after him on my days off work. I used to take him on days out and all sorts.

As he because older, I've looked after him weeks on end when his mother used to just expect me to have him at the drop of a hat. I include him in absolutely everything.

Who buys his birthday and Xmas presents? Me. Who organises every single aspect of his birthday parties? Me.

Who looks after him when he's poorly? Me. Who does he want when he's poorly? Me.

Who sits and does his homework with him? Me. Who buys his school uniform....also me.

Who is the first port of call when he's poorly at school and no one can come and collect him? Also me.

He buys his food, does his washing, keeps his bedroom clean? Me.

Who asks him to get dressed on a morning, brush his teeth, have a wash? Me.

Who buys him new clothes and make sure he has everything he needs? Me!

Who spent hours driving around the shops the other week looking for prime? Me!!!

Who can tell when he's grumpy, upset, something on his mind? Not his dad...me. Who will chat with him about things? Me. Who does he talk to about everything that goes on at his mums house...me.

I have tried my very very best with my him. I really have.

I have said time and time again I underhand why he is jealous! It's only me that gets it and unless his dad is on board with it too then there's really nothing else I can do. It's like banging my head against a brick wall.

And despite all that - a man who doesn’t even bother to get his own child a birthday present - you had a child with him him 🤦‍♀️

It's the way we worked. I am a carer for my child and work in a temp job when I can. H works full time, very well paid John but can mean working all the hours and comes with a lot of stress. The way we worked always was that I took care of everything to do with the house and dc. His days are sometimes 14 hours long at work. It's just how we worked. I'm making a point that I done my bit for my step son. Infact I've done way more for him that most would.

And to answer your question, no relationship is always shit. Even abusive ones. Abusive relationships can be blissfully happy for a long amount of time. No one would ever stay if it was constantly bad.

I'm making a point that I done my bit for my step son. Infact I've done way more for him that most would.

You may have done your bit for your DSS in the past, but now you really need to step up to protect your son.

At the very least, tell your husband that the next time he lays a hand on your DS, you'll be calling the police and reporting him for assault. Because you just don't understand what planet he's on that he thinks hitting a small child (even one who's being aggravating and annoying) is acceptable.

The vast majority of stepparents will of course love their biological child more. That’s hardly controversial.

having read all of OPs posts it doesn’t come across that she’s treated him unfairly at all. If anything she holds her own children to a stricter standard than she does DSS, and that’s on top of his father outright favoring him. Her son’s behavior isn’t great and he does need to learn to leave his half brother alone and not lash out, but there’s a much wider context here that is deeply problematic.

Where exactly does it say that in the OP??? The 5yo is hitting the 9yo!!!! That’s what I have a problem with yes and this entitled mum thinks that the 9yo should just carry on and persistently play with her out of control sprog! 5yo is plenty to know not to kick and punch!

His father loses his temper and hits him.

Can you see how that's rather confusing messaging for a five year old?

Teaching him it's wrong to lash out and hit people... by lashing out and hitting him?

Not one person has excused the boy's behaviour, they've simply read all of OP's posts (which is very easy to do in one click) and noted that her husband is dealing with this abysmally including by hitting their five year old child.

This.

OP, yours is a very hard stressful life, made worse by a violent husband that hurts your child.

Time to look at the logistics of splitting.

This is not a good man, father, husband.

Time to accept your reality.

Well the ops a fucking idiot for allowing that clearly where the 5yo has got it from a very angry little boy what her op should of stated is I’m crap at safeguarding my own child therefore he lashes out rather than a drip feeding op.

Absolutely dire parenting all round.

Not many 9 year olds want to play with 5 year olds. If DSS does not want to play with DS then he does not have to. What punishment is 5 years old getting if he hits and kicks DSS? He should be punished every time he hits or kicks anyone. It sounds like he wants his own way all the time. Your DH sounds like he has had to take DSS away to protect him from being attacked. If you're not careful DSS will refuse to go anywhere DS is for fear of being attacked. If a 5 year old of mine attacked another child there would be no ice cream for them when others had one. I'd make them come in if in the garden too. I'd sit inside with them whilst DH spent time with DSS. They'd be taught kicking and hitting others is never acceptable and rewarded. As DSS only spends eow with his Dad could his Dad take him out somewhere nice and you and DS stay home or go somewhere else. If DS asks why he could not go just tell him because he attacks DSS so can't have any treats.

I have no idea what this thread is about anymore. Last night it was about a stepmother complaining that her 9yo stepson didn't want to play with her 5yo son. It seems now to have morphed into an abusive relationship with the father.
If the whole situation is so stressful, just call it a day and leave. Then your son doesn't need to see his step-siblings anymore and he won't be kicking and hitting, and he won't get into trouble.

I’ve got two sons, one aged 8 nearly and one age 4, they squabble all the time! They get on here and there, I do think it’s the age gap tbh, my soon to be 8yr old is wanting to play roblox/Minecraft with his friends and read books etc and my youngest son wants to climb over him and have him pretend to be a horsey! We just play with the younger one, a lot of the time I’m the horse😂! But my eldest son gets to have space and do what other children his age are doing!

theres absolutely nothing wrong with your step son wanting to do his own thing, I have now started to ignore them both when squabbling over silly stuff! If it gets out of hand or I can hear it’s just about to I’ll separate them, send one upstairs and keep one downstairs so they have chance to cool off!

they love going on outings together tho and that’s mainly when they get along! Have you tried taking them as some others suggested, swimming, soft play (my boys love flip out?) sometimes there’s offers on aswell so that helps, burns out there energy so the younger one isn’t so full on and the eldest will happily sit and watch a film with his brother as there both knackered!

cinema is another good idea aswell, create your own cinema at home with popcorn and goodies!

by the sounds of things in your situation the younger one just wants fun and to play, your step son just wants his own space.
also you have to remember that step son is between two households so this may be why he goes stroppy occasionally.

my advice is to not push but let time do it’s job, let them both do things separately, you play and keep younger one entertained (your husband sounds like he needs a kick up the arse aswell) it’s no good him shouting and smacking younger ones bum as this will just teach your son that it’s ok to hit when feeling frustrated 🤷‍♀️.. he needs to help support you! I feel he’s part of the problem to tbh.

definitely arrange some trips out tho! With mine it works wonders especially if it’s something they will both have fun with x

Your H is the problem, always has been. DSS is as much a victim of his father’s favouritism as the rest of you. OP, hand wringing and blaming your DSS won’t change things because the source of the problem is your DH’s shit parenting and bullying.

Its time you stop making excuses and deal with the source of the issues. I can not believe you stood by and watched your DSD get bullied by your H and then thought it a good idea to have a child with this man.

Perhaps RTFT or at the very least, ALL of the OPs updates before getting your knickers in such a twist.

In answer to the question in the title, no he isn't. Having RTFT I think you should LTB. Wishing you strength and support, OP.

Blended and second families sound like such misery.

As soon as you add another joint child that's it. You're tied to your (useless in this case) DH and stepkids for life even if you split, because they're your kid's blood relatives.