Is H dealing with this in the right way?

[userhank]

We have DS together he's 5. Also have dss who is 9. They have not been getting along well at all now for the last couple of months. It's always the same thing.

DS misses dss. Dss comes to stay (eow and school holidays) and DS wants to play with him. Dss doesn't want to play.

DS then gets angry at this and lashes out at everyone, dss included. Dss then refuses to play with DS for the rest of the weekend because his brother is mean. However he never wants to play with DS to begin with. It's a viscous circle.

I had a word with dss last weekend and explained that while I know his brothers lashing out is unacceptable, DS just misses him and wants to play with his brother. DS is generally a really good boy. Never in trouble at school, very polite and well mannered. I don't have any issues with him really until dss arrives and it all kicks off.

This weekend, dss arrived and said he was going to make a real effort with DS this weekend. He promised us he was going to play with his brother and spend spend some time with him. Until 5 minutes later, DS asked him to play, dss said no and the whole thing kicked off again.

I try deal with this amicably. I can see it from both sides. My son misses his brother when he's not here and hers excited for him to come. My step son thinks his little brother is mean and all he does is hit and kick him.

H has had enough and took dss to his mums for the rest of the weekend and has sent me a text to say the boys will no longer see each other. He has also fallen out with me too it seems.

So I have 3 children to deal with here.

I've been apart of my step sons life since he was a baby and I love him very much. He's a good kid. However there is a side to him which I've seen on going which H is completely oblivious too. Dss is jealous of DS. He will get DS into trouble and blame DS for everything even when he is not at fault. H immediately takes the side of dss and my son gets into trouble. This doesn't happen all the time but there is a lot more too this than just dss doesn't want to play. I think dss has figured out that if he says 'no' to DS, then DS will start kicking and hitting and then that gets DS into trouble.

So sad but I think that's what's happening here. H cannot see any of this at all. I've tried to explain it to him but he just shuts me down.

I also think there is too much of a big deal being made if it. They are brothers. They will fight. Sometimes my so can say the smallest thing to dss without even meaning too and dss will go in the hugest sulk and it just doesn't get forgotten about. I have 2 kids fr a previous relationship and they fight like cat and dog every day but they don't hold grudges. It's forgotten about minutes later. Dss gets on well with my kids, just not his brother.

I think I'm done with this step mum malarkey. I'm not being horrible about my step son here. I'm not an evil step mum. I've done so much for him and done everything I can to make sure he's as included in our family as can be. There is issues but I feel I'm the only one that can see them and H is just not listening to me. And now he's buggered off sulking, taken dss with him and left my little boy wondering where the hell his brother and dad have gone.

He's 9 and I'm tip toeing around my own home trying my hardest to not let anyone upset him because the minute his dad gets home, he runs straight to him and tells him the smallest little thing that has annoyed him which then leads to ME being shouted at for allowing it to happen.

This is the real problem right?

H needs to acknowledge that a problem is developing and help you solve it. He is being unreasonable not to engage. Ask him what he thinks the solution is but try to present it as per the above, not in terms of DS being upset he doesn't get his brother's attention.

I think you need some ground rules agreed with your H and understood by all. E.g. hitting each other, if there are witnesses ask them, if one of them owns up to starting it then cut them some slack, but if you have no evidence you can't assume who hit first. (Also ideally they should be leaving the situation and not hitting back.)

Same with whose idea it was to throw stones at the car, etc.

Same with other things that upset DSS. Have some boundaries. Some things are legitimate to be upset about, others not. You need to thrash this out with H. Tell him about the walking on eggshells feeling. Explain you want to make DSS happy and welcome and to do so you need agreed boundaries for everyone's behavior and what is or is not reasonable. You need backup, and you need to be making decisions that H feels he can give you backup for without being disloyal to his son.

Finally, manage your DS's expectations. 'DS; DSS is coming round, he loves you but he may not want to spend much time with you at the moment, he is into doing his own thing and having personal space'. And if that means you have to play with him then play with him. DSS is not his babysitter!

It's always sad when one person in a relationship cares more than the other one but it's reality, it sounds like DS needs to let go a bit.

Also you might find what DS really wants is his choice of games on the Xbox, in which case a second Xbox might ease your pain if you can manage it!

What we seem to be missing here is that your DSS is only with you EOW so what, 4 days a month? Then school holidays, is that the whole of the holidays including 6/7 weeks at summer?

Its not like he’s been able to build up a sibling relationship with your DS is it, on 4 days a month and a few other weeks in the year?

Not at all comparable to siblings who live in the same household.

I feel for the poor kid, going to stay with his Dad for a few measly days a month, and having a kid there who’s attacking him because he wants his full attention and feeling forced to play little kids games with him, a kid who’s got his Dad’s full attention 90% of the time as he lives with him.

Of course there will be some very justified jealousy from your DSS including with your daughter who I assume also lives with his Dad? Not DSSs fault, parental choices.

I’m gobsmacked you can’t understand why he’d feel jealousy tbh!

Does DSS have siblings at home? Is he used to having other DC around or is he an only with his mum? Must be really hard to adjust to EOW with an annoying (in his mind) younger kid who’s attacking him if he’s an only?

Does he even want to come to your house if he’s shutting himself away gaming? Doesn’t sound like it.

Obviously your DH needs to parent both DS and DSS as they are both his sons but he also needs to focused on DSS on the little time he sees him without all this stress going on which will be affecting DSS very badly. Does he parent your DC?

He shouldn’t have walked out and should have said that he felt it better he see DSS at his mum’s before he went (would you have agreed?).

He’s obviously not coping with parenting DS if he’s losing his temper with him, so that needs to be addressed urgently.

Sounds like lots of DC from different relationships involved if you have a stepdaughter, your DH has 2 stepchildren (yours), a son with you, then a son from a previous relationship. Must be complicated for everyone.

Probably best to keep to this arrangement at his mum’s and arrange to meet up with you and DS for a walk outside or some sort of activity (cinema or swimming) so they see each other out of the house until they’re a bit older.

Your husband is a shit father and a disgusting bully. I don’t know why you’re with him, I certainly wouldn’t be looking after his son anymore during HIS fucking contact time. Why do you tolerate him treating you and your son like this?

Your husband is the problem. It’s not 60% DS and 40% DSS. It’s 100% their dad. Lots of parents manage to work and not emotionally damage their kids.

He hits (or has in the past) his very young son and is quick to blame and punish him based on the reports of his favoured child. No empathy applied and no attempt to do any real parenting. Just aggression. In the meantime, DSS is not secure in his relationship with his father either, because his dad is rarely a feature in his life. He spends time at his dad’s house with his stepmum and little brother (or hiding in his room), but his dad isn’t there until he turns up tired and bad tempered. It’s really not OK.

Much as it would be a shame to separate the boys, neither of them appear to be getting much out of the current arrangement and you certainly aren’t. My suggestion would be to put your foot down - your husband won’t like it - and tell him that you aren’t prepared to babysit his oldest child during his contact time any more. Tell him that he needs to be available during contact time because the entire purpose of it is for DSS to be with his dad. If he can’t be there, he needs to make alternative arrangements that don’t involve you. I imagine if he was actually responsible for having to make childcare arrangements he’d be faced with the reality of how little time he actually spends with his son. He probably tells himself “I have DS for 2 days a week” when the reality is that he’s actually there for a fraction of that time.

The whole thing sounds massively dysfunctional. You keep talking about these children being brothers and sisters when their relationships are far more complex than that. Your DSS and DS are not brothers. In addition there appear to be further children on both sides from previous relationships. Family dynamics are complex at the best of times but you don’t seem to acknowledge that due to the actions of adults all these children have had their lives turned upside down and additional children and adults introduced to them as ‘family’ when in some cases they are not really related at all and certainly don’t see each other enough that they would be more than distant acquaintances. As is natural you favour your son over your stepson. Like most parents you also fail to appreciate your own lack objectivity when looking at your own child’s behaviour. The stress and trauma that this will be causing in these children is deeply problematic, the fact that some have already tried to get out of this dysfunctional situation as much as possible is hardly surprising.

*Its not like he’s been able to build up a sibling relationship with your DS is it, on 4 days a month and a few other weeks in the year?

Not at all comparable to siblings who live in the same household.*

This jumped out at me too. You consistently (and it’s obvious, for totally the right reasons) refer to DSS as your son’s brother. I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I think you have to accept that being half siblings with a relatively small age gap is just a very different beast. And, as you’ve said yourself, the situation means that you’re simply not allowed to treat them like you would if they were brothers. So I’d step away from this notion for the sake of your DS. Of course, you’re still kind and welcoming to your DSS, but you let your DH take charge. You tell your DS that DSS is coming to see his father and dampen down any expectations that they are going to play together. While this may be disappointing for your DS, it is clearly a real problem for your stepson, so I think you do need to nip this in the bud, even if it does cause a bit of upset/changes their relationship. Do something else with your DS; take him out to the park/cinema/swimming/playdate as a distraction. You can ask DSS if he’d like to join in, but go anyway if he wouldn’t. Just create a bit of space and distance and remove some of the drama. And let your DH parent his own child.

I really feel for you this situation is too much.Firstly tell DH you will not be available to care for SS if he is not around,the boy comes to see his father not you.Take your son out as much as possible so he doesn’t have to see his brother who clearly only wants to be on the Xbox alone.I would make plans to leave this situation will only get worse.Good luck.

I think I get what you're saying but it's accidentally coming across as you blaming it all on dss not wanting to play.

The reason is because I think it's the same situation I got into with a friend (who I'm not friends with anymore).

I'd have her children for her for days. They'd refuse to have any personal responsibility (because they were spoilt so not their fault). At the end of the day they'd run to my friend and tell her all the things I'd done wrong towards them throughout the day. When I defended them she'd tell me she was just saying what they'd told her.

The final straw was the day her DD hit a golf ball from the pitch and putt set I owned under a bush (she hit it towards the bush despite being told not to). I told her to get it herself and if she couldn't then obviously she couldn't play. She said it was an accident. Like a 9yo couldn't a) listen when told the consequences and b) work out for themselves if you hit something towards a bush it will go under.

This began to extend to it being my ds fault for not wanting to play their games. No one ever stopped them choosing their game but it was expected ds played theirs or shouldn't be allowed to play at all

It's amazing how quickly children who know they can manipulate a situation learn the art of manipulation very quickly and can control all the adults around them and control every narrative as them being the victim.

When I suggested a compromise and each play each others games for a short period they always had to play her kids first and when it got to ds turn they were bored and their mum would say "they shouldn't have to play if they don't want to".

Your ds absolutely should NOT be hurting and he absolutely understands what he's doing wrong by doing so. If he didn't he wouldn't be such a good kid at school.

But it also sounds like he enjoys his big brothers company and is reacting to the fact that when he comes around the whole weekend is dictated by what DSS wants or doesn't want to do and yet he gets no benefit from his brother calling the shits because he's not allowed to be included.

In your shoes I would actually start by arranging fun days out for ds the weekends his brother visits. Arrange these with your mum. Tell your DH that you and ds will be doing x y and z and so he'll need to make sure someone is home to care for dss from x to x time. Make it clear that your life with ds will continue and if dss doesn't want to be part of that then you respect that but it's then his responsibility as his father to make alternative arrangements.

Make rules about Xbox. Each child gets half an hour each or whatever. During their time they choose the game and the other can join in if they want to. But they don't have to and cannot control the game unless it's their go.

There is hope as dss grows up and matures and your ds gets older they will get on better. It's not uncommon for children that age to have nothing in common and not play together.

You need to teach DS that he doesn’t get to play with DSS just because he wants to. DS is much older and is coming up towards big personal changes whilst your DS is very young.
mug DS steps back and doesn’t bother DSS all
the time then DSS will probably play with him now and again.

I think you are blind to DS faults and that’s why DH defends DSS so much because someone has tk be on his side too.

However this weekend dss worded it differently. He said 'I will but not now'. Unfortunately all DS heard was 'I will' and got all excited and ran off to grab his games console only for dss to turn round and say 'no I'm not playing with you now, maybe later'

Ds misunderstood. You might all judge me but I felt bad for ds. His face lit up when he came running in for his games console. 30 seconds later they are at each others throats. DS got the blame (even though he genuinely misunderstood) and next thing they are both gone out of the house.

And where were you in this? You heard maybe later, did not misunderstand dss, yet it still escalated. Why not interrupt ds fetching the console and asking again?

You have a husband problem OP.

Your boys are at loggerheads, for whatever reason, and you and your husband need to work as a team to resolve it.

Until that happens, it won't improve.

My step son wants to spend the entire weekend gaming with the door shut.

What is the point of your DSS coming to visit? His father isn’t there to spend time with him, DSS wants to be on his own gaming and he doesn’t interact with anyone. He might as still at his mum’s house and lock himself away gaming.

And is that also why the "D"H hits the 5yo?

Maybe if the OP teaches her little child to behave properly, he won't be at risk of physical abuse from his other parent 🙄.

It is more than your original post explained.

Is DSS jealous that dad has another son? He might get on better with your kids as they are not a threat to his attention from his dad? DS may also aware there is a different dynamic going on and this is contributing to his outbursts.

Its not a great situation and does need you and your husband to be treating the children equally.

Your first mission is to get DH to accept what you have been saying here, how DSS can manipulate the situation. Was it your daughter who witnessed him lying about DS hitting him? Could she speak up and say DSS was lying?

DSS is only there every other weekend (apart from school hols) and it sounds like his dad is out working/busy some of that time.

It sounds like the bulk of that time needs to be 121 time with his dad. Perhaps particularly the first day/afternoon as part of the transition back in so he can settle. Then after that he may have more patience and be more content to spend time with DS.

If i was sad and missed my dad and felt uprooted and then a lovely Labrador type five year old launched themselves at me on arrival id just be a bit overwhelmed. But the 10 days in between visits must feel endless for your 5 year old so his excitement is understandable.

I'd stop describing them as brothers so much. As DSS clearly isn't feeling it. Cousins at best.

A lot of people seem to be missing what imo is the key point. Perhaps this is due to how the OP sets the issue out.

A 5yo child is being emotionally and physically abused by one of their parents, who loses it at them, shouts at them, hits them and doesn't listen to them. Apparently due to some twisted golden child/scapegoat dynamic, but really the cause is irrelevant. The behaviour of the parent is abusive and unacceptable.

The behaviour of the OP's DS in these circumstances is also irrelevant. Nothing a 5yo child could do would justify this sort of response from one of the people trusted to care for them.

I don't know why people are still giving advice to the OP on how she can reduce conflict between the two boys to avoid "triggering" physical and emotional violence against her DS from their dad. The situation is way beyond that.

I've read all your posts, and the more I've read the sadder I am for your DS.

Tell your 'D'H that you all need a break from DSS as it is doing Ds harm to be treated like this, you are no longer willing to referee, and quite frankly he treats DSS like the golden child are enough is enough. He can take DSS to MIL as you will no longer be a party to this horrid treatment of your DS.

Plan lots of fun things with your DS and your other DC, invite your DSD along for some, and the 5 of you have a wonderful time.

After a sufficient time apart you can try to have DSS over again but make it clear that even ONE incident of him favouring DSS over DS will have you all leaving the house (preferably to do something wildly exciting) without DSS or your D'H.

seems like dss knows what he is doing and your H takes his side out of some sort of guilt because he is not in that family unit anymore?

@OrderOfTheKookaburra that’s right exclude and punish a child for adults behaviour ! That will definitely help this chaotic situation. Or not ….. can’t believe you have suggested literally leaving a child out of a ‘wildly exciting’ activity because of the actions of his feckless father. Awful and emotionally abusive suggestion. Really hope you don’t have dc.

I agree, but there is another younger child in this situation who is being intimidated and physically abused. While no one should be excluded, the priority should be to stop the rather more serious abuse of this child. The reality is that this may require the OP to separate her son from his father and DSS.

My husband screams at my son to not hit and kick but then smacks his bum and loses his temper.

So he expects to teach your son not to lash out and hit people when he loses his temper... by lashing out and hitting people when he loses his temper. What a prick.

And believe it or not, I also have an older step child who stopped visiting us because she couldn't deal with the way her dad treated my step son compared to her. She's almost an adult now and we still have a good relationship but a few years ago it was horrific. She felt so excluded of our family compared to her brother.

So this man is essentially a shit father who has a favourite child and treats his other children and step children poorly.

Why on earth are you still with this man OP? He has hit your little boy. He's a shit dad. He plays favourites. He criticises your parenting of his child when he's not present to parent that child.

Seriously, why are you with him?

Your 5yo hits and hurts his DSS because his father does the same to him.

Your DH has taught your son by example that lashing out is an appropriate way to handle problems.

No one gets to hit another person. No one. Ever.

@Goldbar i get that and it probably is best to separate them because op needs to separate her ds from his abusive father, but the pp suggested not only separating them but rubbing dss face in activities he will be excluded from due to the behaviour of his father.
It is not dss fault that a 5 year old is being emotionally and physically abused. It’s the fault of the parents.

Na you need to sort your own son out rather than making your stepson make promises about making a effort! Insane! 5 yo are annoying af put your energy into disciplining HIM punching and kicking not surprised your oh has absolutely lost it!

But equally he needs to be more involved in prevention of this mess!