Is H dealing with this in the right way?

[userhank]

We have DS together he's 5. Also have dss who is 9. They have not been getting along well at all now for the last couple of months. It's always the same thing.

DS misses dss. Dss comes to stay (eow and school holidays) and DS wants to play with him. Dss doesn't want to play.

DS then gets angry at this and lashes out at everyone, dss included. Dss then refuses to play with DS for the rest of the weekend because his brother is mean. However he never wants to play with DS to begin with. It's a viscous circle.

I had a word with dss last weekend and explained that while I know his brothers lashing out is unacceptable, DS just misses him and wants to play with his brother. DS is generally a really good boy. Never in trouble at school, very polite and well mannered. I don't have any issues with him really until dss arrives and it all kicks off.

This weekend, dss arrived and said he was going to make a real effort with DS this weekend. He promised us he was going to play with his brother and spend spend some time with him. Until 5 minutes later, DS asked him to play, dss said no and the whole thing kicked off again.

I try deal with this amicably. I can see it from both sides. My son misses his brother when he's not here and hers excited for him to come. My step son thinks his little brother is mean and all he does is hit and kick him.

H has had enough and took dss to his mums for the rest of the weekend and has sent me a text to say the boys will no longer see each other. He has also fallen out with me too it seems.

So I have 3 children to deal with here.

I've been apart of my step sons life since he was a baby and I love him very much. He's a good kid. However there is a side to him which I've seen on going which H is completely oblivious too. Dss is jealous of DS. He will get DS into trouble and blame DS for everything even when he is not at fault. H immediately takes the side of dss and my son gets into trouble. This doesn't happen all the time but there is a lot more too this than just dss doesn't want to play. I think dss has figured out that if he says 'no' to DS, then DS will start kicking and hitting and then that gets DS into trouble.

So sad but I think that's what's happening here. H cannot see any of this at all. I've tried to explain it to him but he just shuts me down.

I also think there is too much of a big deal being made if it. They are brothers. They will fight. Sometimes my so can say the smallest thing to dss without even meaning too and dss will go in the hugest sulk and it just doesn't get forgotten about. I have 2 kids fr a previous relationship and they fight like cat and dog every day but they don't hold grudges. It's forgotten about minutes later. Dss gets on well with my kids, just not his brother.

I think I'm done with this step mum malarkey. I'm not being horrible about my step son here. I'm not an evil step mum. I've done so much for him and done everything I can to make sure he's as included in our family as can be. There is issues but I feel I'm the only one that can see them and H is just not listening to me. And now he's buggered off sulking, taken dss with him and left my little boy wondering where the hell his brother and dad have gone.

This sort of relationship is common even in families where everyone lives together. It sounds very like 2 of my DNs who are similar age to your Ds and Dss. The youngest wants to play with the eldest and gets angry lashing out when eldest doesn't want to play or when they get frustrated because the game they are playing is too difficult for them. In turn eldest plays even less with youngest because they spoil games kick and get angry! They are both lovely bright and happy children most of the time but just seem to bring the worse out of each other.
I think sadly it is just how siblings can be. And it's best not to make it into mode serious than it is. You should of course stop your son every time he becomes violent by moving him away from DSS , perhaps try and get him interested in something else. It apart from that I'm not sure what you can do other than talk to DSS and try and get him to indeed how DS feels left out

But this is the equivalent of your Dsis taking the eldest's side and yelling at the youngest while your BiL takes the side of the youngest. It's a lot easier to deal with when both parents are on the same page and one parent isn't smacking the youngest one for it.

Having read your later posts the issue is obviously your husband. Losing his temper and htting your child isn't going to teach him that hitting is wrong. And letting your DSS get away with everything isn't helping him either.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. I'm not sure what the answer is but you absolutely should tell your husband that you will not tolerate him hitting your child. If he won't or can't change you may need to separate for your son's sake

So you allow your husband to smack and shout at your son.
You allow your son to hit, kick and scream at your stepson for not wanting to play with him
But you seem to think all this is your stepson's fault?
You and your husband need to learn to parent and set boundaries.
You also need to tell your husband to stop being abusive to his son!

This so much

Your DH is the issue here, not the kids. He’s fanning the flames of discontent between them, favouring his older son and treating his younger son like he’s a problem, and yelling at you for things that aren't your fault. He’s a bad parent and a bad husband. Sorry OP.

Have you read the rest of her posts?

^^This sums it up in a nutshell

He doesn't want to play with him. They sound like normal siblings to me. That's life

So DS wants to play on a games console with DSS, but not the games that DSS (4 years older plays, so when DSS says no he kicks off physically?

is that an accurate summary?

Keep the younger child away from the older child.

There's really no solution to this. You married a shit man.

He did the very typical thing they do when they don't want to care for their own children. They quickly find another woman to marry and take over his parenting duties and facilitate his life.

He likes the idea of children and marriage but only the parts that benefit him.

The 5yo gets screamed at and hit by the father.

Is that sufficient punishment, do you think?

I'm really not sure what else you feel it would be proportionate to add into the mix when disciplining a small, confused child.