Is H dealing with this in the right way?

[userhank]

We have DS together he's 5. Also have dss who is 9. They have not been getting along well at all now for the last couple of months. It's always the same thing.

DS misses dss. Dss comes to stay (eow and school holidays) and DS wants to play with him. Dss doesn't want to play.

DS then gets angry at this and lashes out at everyone, dss included. Dss then refuses to play with DS for the rest of the weekend because his brother is mean. However he never wants to play with DS to begin with. It's a viscous circle.

I had a word with dss last weekend and explained that while I know his brothers lashing out is unacceptable, DS just misses him and wants to play with his brother. DS is generally a really good boy. Never in trouble at school, very polite and well mannered. I don't have any issues with him really until dss arrives and it all kicks off.

This weekend, dss arrived and said he was going to make a real effort with DS this weekend. He promised us he was going to play with his brother and spend spend some time with him. Until 5 minutes later, DS asked him to play, dss said no and the whole thing kicked off again.

I try deal with this amicably. I can see it from both sides. My son misses his brother when he's not here and hers excited for him to come. My step son thinks his little brother is mean and all he does is hit and kick him.

H has had enough and took dss to his mums for the rest of the weekend and has sent me a text to say the boys will no longer see each other. He has also fallen out with me too it seems.

So I have 3 children to deal with here.

I've been apart of my step sons life since he was a baby and I love him very much. He's a good kid. However there is a side to him which I've seen on going which H is completely oblivious too. Dss is jealous of DS. He will get DS into trouble and blame DS for everything even when he is not at fault. H immediately takes the side of dss and my son gets into trouble. This doesn't happen all the time but there is a lot more too this than just dss doesn't want to play. I think dss has figured out that if he says 'no' to DS, then DS will start kicking and hitting and then that gets DS into trouble.

So sad but I think that's what's happening here. H cannot see any of this at all. I've tried to explain it to him but he just shuts me down.

I also think there is too much of a big deal being made if it. They are brothers. They will fight. Sometimes my so can say the smallest thing to dss without even meaning too and dss will go in the hugest sulk and it just doesn't get forgotten about. I have 2 kids fr a previous relationship and they fight like cat and dog every day but they don't hold grudges. It's forgotten about minutes later. Dss gets on well with my kids, just not his brother.

I think I'm done with this step mum malarkey. I'm not being horrible about my step son here. I'm not an evil step mum. I've done so much for him and done everything I can to make sure he's as included in our family as can be. There is issues but I feel I'm the only one that can see them and H is just not listening to me. And now he's buggered off sulking, taken dss with him and left my little boy wondering where the hell his brother and dad have gone.

You do not have to do whatever he wants he is nine let him crack on and occupy himself do things with ds your DH is being underhand with those comments he is effectively preventing you from parenting in your own home perhaps he should stick around and parent his own child/children instead of leaving it to you

Does he ever watch the two of them together by himself?

I'm a similar amount older than my sister, and the expectation that I play with her combined with my parents blissfully ignoring the fact that she would hit and kick me utterly poisoned any chance we had at a decent relationship when older. 30 years on and I still keep very very strict boundaries. And that's without the complications of a blended family, little brother getting to see dad all the time, dad being absent due to work on contact weekends etc.

I have a five year old and if she was hitting and kicking anyone I would be furious with her. She is absolutely old enough to know better than that.

My kids aren't here.

Yes I do see your point entirely! I don't force my step son to play with my son. I constantly tell DS that dss doesn't have to play if he doesn't want too. However I walk on egg shells around my step son! He's 9 and I'm tip toeing around my own home trying my hardest to not let anyone upset him because the minute his dad gets home, he runs straight to him and tells him the smallest little thing that has annoyed him which then leads to ME being shouted at for allowing it to happen.

He's 9 and I'm tip toeing around my own home trying my hardest to not let anyone upset him because the minute his dad gets home, he runs straight to him and tells him the smallest little thing that has annoyed him which then leads to ME being shouted at for allowing it to happen.

Your DH needs to be there to look after DSS whenever he is at your house in which case…..

Your 5 yo isn't too young to understand that hitting and kicking to get your own way will not make people want to spend time with you. It's understandable that dss doesn't really want to play with ds. You need to take the pressure off this situation and try to support them in redeveloping a relationship at their own pace. Is there an outing you could all go on that both would enjoy and bond over? I think you will see your little boy upset and maybe not fully understand from dss point of view.

It's hard to tell whether your dh is BU or just fed up of his son feeling forced in to spending his weekends pandering to a younger sibling. You need to teach ds to accept no as an answer if he asks to play and then you can distract him with something else.

This is more of the same.

You see "we took both boys to play football, and DSS and his sulking at my poor DS put a stop to that so I had to take DS home"

What happened, is yet again, DSS was expected to play with a child half his age, when all he does is let you know that he doesn't want too.

It's got to the point where dss doesn't want to do anything at all.

It's got to the point where DSS can't take any more being paired up with a 5yr old. A 5yr old who lashes out when DSS doesn't want to play how the 5yr old wants too. You said yourself, DSS happily gets on with your older DC.

Your H needs to be more involved in this. It's not fair that you're left to deal with it. It's his son.

It does sound like you are babying your DS though. At 5 years old he is presumably at school, does he hit and kick the other kids there if he doesn't get his own way? That's not acceptable.

Older kids don't often want to play with younger kids, it's normal. When my DS was a similar age my neighbour's younger kids kept wanting him to go over to play but DS found it boring.

@Theunamedcat no but I wouldn't trust him too.

The other week, dss whacked DS so hard on the arm it left a mark. Ds was screaming. Me and H came in to see what happened and dss said my son hit him first. So obviously H shouted at my son saying that dss has every right to hit if my son hits him first.

My daughter witnessed it all and told me afterwards that DS never hit dss at all and I know she's telling the truth. I haven't said anything to H as it's pointless. He will stick up for dss entirely.

Then last weekend, me and DS were out playing football in the garden. Dss came out, took the ball from DS and refused to give it back. Then my son starts crying, H comes out and dss shouts 'he never lets me play with him' and sulked. DS then got shouted at again by H. I tried explaining that DS had done nothing wrong but it didn't matter.

H doesn't see any of what goes on when he's here so I don't trust him to watch them alone. He just turns a blind eye to absolutely everything.

He’s got to dread going to your home tbh. He gets there and his younger brother attempts to commandeer his attention, and when that fails he lashes out at him. No wonder he doesn’t want to play with or be around him. It probably is best, for both your husbands relationship with his son and for the sake of the brothers having any chance of developing a decent sibling relationship, that they are separated. At least for the time being.

This.

Gaming can bring out the worst in kids as well.

A great thing to do to get them to bond a bit more might be to do a fun and silly you (or even better your H) vs them game... For example piggy in the middle where you stay the piggy the whole time, a you Vs them nerf battle, floor is lava... nothing too competitive or rules-based that needs keeping score. Let them win.

@InceyWinceySpidy no we were playing as a family! We were all playing football together. What am I supposed to do? Tell my 5 year old he can't play while me, his dad and brother play together?

I should of said in the post that I don't expect dss to play.

I'm sorry but I don't think that's true because in you're opening post you said...

I had a word with dss last weekend and explained that while I know his brothers lashing out is unacceptable, DS just misses him and wants to play with his brother. DS is generally a really good boy. Never in trouble at school, very polite and well mannered. I don't have any issues with him really until dss arrives and it all kicks off. This weekend, dss arrived and said he was going to make a real effort with DS this weekend. He promised us he was going to play with his brother and spend spend some time with him.

So it's pretty clear you are pressurising your step son to play with your son. I don't think that's fair. It's git to be your stepson's decision. My sister and I have 4 years between us and we really didn't hang around together until we were in our late 20s!!

Football with a 5yo and older child goes like this:

Adult kicks penalty kicks to older child in goal for a bit. Then swap and older child kicks penalty kicks at adult in goal for a but. During this time 5yo occasionally kicks ball back to adult ir older child every now and again, especially if the ball goes out of the playing area.

See, mostly this ^ is adult playing footy with older child. Younger child 'tags along' in thr game. It wouldn't work at that age if 2 children were left to play on their own.

I believe you OP.

I have a similar dynamic with my DC (not step / half DC) where the older one winds up the younger one as they're jealous and the younger one then lashes out. It's a nightmare when they fight. I just wish my older DC would be a bit kinder and more gracious, but I also understand that being shouted at and attacked by younger DC has led to a lot of these behaviours. It's really both of them together in combination that's the issue.

As much as everyone is correct about my sons hitting - I do agree and believe me he is punished. Too hardly by his dad I feel but anyway....

I don't see how there is anything wrong with a little boy who misses his big brother. It is not either childs fault that our family is like this. My son absolutely adores everyone. All his siblings and he misses his big brother.

He is absolutely in the wrong to lash out. 100%. But it does break my heart when it gets to Friday and my sons wakes up all happy and excited because his big brother is coming that night and he just wants to spend a bit of time with him. I don't see what's wrong with that at all.

My step son is not forced to play at all. My step son pretty much rules the house when he's here. He has done since he was 2 years old - my husband is a complete Disney dad towards him.

I also love my step son very much. It is not him that I am frustrated with as he is a child himself.

I just cannot deal with this on my own anymore with absolutely no support. My husband screams at my son to not hit and kick but then smacks his bum and loses his temper.

And believe it or not, I also have an older step child who stopped visiting us because she couldn't deal with the way her dad treated my step son compared to her. She's almost an adult now and we still have a good relationship but a few years ago it was horrific. She felt so excluded of our family compared to her brother.

It may look like drip feeding now but this has been going on for years. I feel like what happened with my older step child is all now starting again but this time with my son.

Yes. Please see PP explanation as to why two adults, a 9yr old and a 5yr old aren't "playing football together.". It's not a suitable activity for those 2 children.

The more you post, the more I can see why the frustration occurs from your DH, and DS.

The other thing that stands out is that your DH is often nowhere to be found. How come your daughter witnessed the whole hitting incident but said nothing while DH was present and shouting at DS? However, you also won't trust your DH to look after DS and DSS on his own to see things with his own eyes, so how is he supposed to see what's going on?

The biggest problem by a country mile is your husband. He apparently favours his eldest son, allows him to tell tales and shit stir, and treats his younger son more harshly. He leaves you to look after his son (DSS) and doesn’t support you in dealing with the obvious friction between his two children (DSS and DS). His solution to the problem, rather than pull his finger out and do any parenting, is that his children just won’t see each other any more? Pathetic.

DS should not be hitting anybody. Is there a reason why he is not able to understand the problem with his behaviour even on a very basic level? Unless he’s unusually immature for his age or there are additional needs at play, he should be capable of this at 5. And of handling negative emotions without lashing out physically. I get that you’re disappointed for him; he looks forward to his brother visiting and then DSS can’t really be bothered with him when he gets there. That must be hard for him to accept and hard for you to watch, but lashing out is not OK and you making excuses for him will do him no favours.

DSS shouldn’t feel obligated to play with his brother all the time but I do think it’s fair enough to expect that they are both able to spend some family time together where you all do something e.g. go for a walk, go swimming etc. Is DSS playing video games the whole time he’s with you? Where is your husband? He needs to be there during these 2 days a week that he actually has contact with his NR son and be encouraging both his kids to bond and spending time with them both. Video games shouldn’t be centre stage.

Your husband really needs to step up.

It is absolutely both of them. Dss knows what he's doing. He knows now what he has to do to get DS into trouble and it's as simple as saying the word 'no'. A couple of weeks ago I caught dss trying to get DS to throw stones right by my car. I knew what he was trying to do but thankfully I stopped it before any damage was caused. It's just like I'm the only one that can see it. But if I try to say it then I'm like the wicked step mother.

I honestly feel it's all down to H and the fact his is working so much at the moment. He's getting little time with his dad which is hard for him. And he's stuck with me lol. Obviously DS gets plenty of time with H and that's hard for dss. I get it. I'm sure that's what the issue is.

There's been quite a bit of different information in your later posts.

If the real issue is your dh being verbally and physically abusive to your ds, then of course you need to intervene, and if he won't stop then you have to leave him.

H is working overtime. He's fallen behind at work. It's been pretty stressful and to be fair to him - he is absolutely shattered. The last thing he needs is 2 of his kids acting like the way they do. Which is another reason why i tip toe around dss so he doesn't go stressing his dad out the minute he walks through the door. I get so angry at myself that I'm doing this around a 9 year old.

We don't know about DS yet. I have an older child with autism. I'm on the fence about younger ds. He has been recently diagnosed with something (I don't want to say on here as it's quite rare and it could be outing) and this is linked to autism. I'm waiting for a paediatric appointment to see but i really am unsure. I can't see any major traits but I feel if he is on the spectrum then they may start to appear soon. There are some minor sensory issues. I'm constantly speaking to his teachers and asking what they think. He's very very intelligent but extremely shy. He barely speaks at school.

@InceyWinceySpidy he never really needs to watch them on his own. He's always working at the moment and tired when he gets home. The last thing I'm going to do is leave him to watch them when he's tired and stressed. It would just make things worse.

The incident happened when we were in the kitchen. I rushed in to see what happened first - DS was sobbing. I asked what happened but dss wouldn't answer me. H followed. Asked what happened and he told his dad that DS hit him first.

He has hit DS before yes. A few times. And we have spoken about it and I've told him it's not acceptable. He cannot tell our son not to hit when he does it himself. He hasn't done it since and I'm hoping he doesn't do it again.

Clearly if you think ds may have additional needs or that dss is setting him up to misbehave you cannot leave them together unsupervised.

Your son has learnt to behave this way, that whenever his stepbrother comes over he gets segregated and punished, and it’s a perpetual cycle now. He also gets mummy’s undivided attention.

Exactly. It's so hard. Though I dont want to throw the additional needs card in there as I'm not entirely sure. Having been through it once already, I'm not convinced he is on the spectrum. Though I know not all children are the same and I'm in no way an expert anyway.

H obviously refuses to believe there is anything wrong so it will be a battle I'm facing alone if it comes to it.