Is H dealing with this in the right way?

[userhank]

We have DS together he's 5. Also have dss who is 9. They have not been getting along well at all now for the last couple of months. It's always the same thing.

DS misses dss. Dss comes to stay (eow and school holidays) and DS wants to play with him. Dss doesn't want to play.

DS then gets angry at this and lashes out at everyone, dss included. Dss then refuses to play with DS for the rest of the weekend because his brother is mean. However he never wants to play with DS to begin with. It's a viscous circle.

I had a word with dss last weekend and explained that while I know his brothers lashing out is unacceptable, DS just misses him and wants to play with his brother. DS is generally a really good boy. Never in trouble at school, very polite and well mannered. I don't have any issues with him really until dss arrives and it all kicks off.

This weekend, dss arrived and said he was going to make a real effort with DS this weekend. He promised us he was going to play with his brother and spend spend some time with him. Until 5 minutes later, DS asked him to play, dss said no and the whole thing kicked off again.

I try deal with this amicably. I can see it from both sides. My son misses his brother when he's not here and hers excited for him to come. My step son thinks his little brother is mean and all he does is hit and kick him.

H has had enough and took dss to his mums for the rest of the weekend and has sent me a text to say the boys will no longer see each other. He has also fallen out with me too it seems.

So I have 3 children to deal with here.

I've been apart of my step sons life since he was a baby and I love him very much. He's a good kid. However there is a side to him which I've seen on going which H is completely oblivious too. Dss is jealous of DS. He will get DS into trouble and blame DS for everything even when he is not at fault. H immediately takes the side of dss and my son gets into trouble. This doesn't happen all the time but there is a lot more too this than just dss doesn't want to play. I think dss has figured out that if he says 'no' to DS, then DS will start kicking and hitting and then that gets DS into trouble.

So sad but I think that's what's happening here. H cannot see any of this at all. I've tried to explain it to him but he just shuts me down.

I also think there is too much of a big deal being made if it. They are brothers. They will fight. Sometimes my so can say the smallest thing to dss without even meaning too and dss will go in the hugest sulk and it just doesn't get forgotten about. I have 2 kids fr a previous relationship and they fight like cat and dog every day but they don't hold grudges. It's forgotten about minutes later. Dss gets on well with my kids, just not his brother.

I think I'm done with this step mum malarkey. I'm not being horrible about my step son here. I'm not an evil step mum. I've done so much for him and done everything I can to make sure he's as included in our family as can be. There is issues but I feel I'm the only one that can see them and H is just not listening to me. And now he's buggered off sulking, taken dss with him and left my little boy wondering where the hell his brother and dad have gone.

I have to say I agree there. However he really doesn't want my attention at all. He wants abit if time with his brother.

But I have to spend my weekend playing with him in order for him to leave his brother alone.

If my step son was my son, I would be dealing with this COMPLETLEY differently with both of the boys but I can't.

This all sounds very forced, and stepson will end up resenting your son, especially as you seem always to take his side.
Instead of putting pressure on to play, take them both on fun outings and see if the relationship progresses naturally from there. At the moment you're engineering situations that always have the same disastrous result. Shake it up and try something new.
It's not easy though and I do sympathise. Good luck.

But I also will say that in the time my step son isn't here, there are no issues with my son really. Obviously he has his moments but there's no hitting, kicking his other siblings (they are 10 &12) They can play for hours on end and I never hear anything out of them.

I think my son just wants that with his other brother.
I'm not excusing his behaviour but he's not wrong to hope for a similar relationship

I'm sorry but I don't think you've read my post. Nothing is forced. I don't force my step son to play. My step son is told by his dad that he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. I make sure that my son doesn't bother him.

My step son wants to spend the entire weekend gaming with the door shut. I can't win - he doesn't want to do anything i suggest. He doesn't even want to come out of his room to eat. If I try put my foot down, I get shouted at by my husband and my step son gets absolutely everything he wants. I can't win here.

The post isn't being read how it was meant to. My issues are with H and how he handles things. Not my step son.

Boundaries need put in place for both children here

I think my son just wants that with his other brother.
I'm not excusing his behaviour but he's not wrong to hope for a similar relationship

You need to start managing your sons expectations. He will be aware (from school) that other children are different so you need to build on that. Tell him that dss wants different things, mostly older children things, and ds is too young. Keep saying maybe when he's older...

I get it, its hard. My two fought like cats and dogs if unwatched until youngest reached 12yrs then it calmed down and I could stop watching/separating. But until then you have to protect both, not just the baby (who isn't actually a baby anymore). Stop pushing them together, its helping neither.

Honestly, your relationship with your husband does not sound healthy. You should feel like you are walking on eggshells. I can't imagine and situation when even a busy parent never parents their children.

It still sounds from your posts like to dislike and resent your dss.

I think OP that there is a lot going on in your house but I wouldn’t put the title of the thread as you did. People are reading it and making assumptions whereas your updates show that the problem is beyond playing together and much deeper. I think you should post a new thread and ask for advice. You’ll get more out of it.

I can’t get past the husband unavailable to parent yet wants his child here with the op parenting them and gets angry at the op for any upset. I think it’s time for the op to say you’re busy you’re stressed you’re yelling at your younger son all the time, and you think I’m lying when I point out occasions where dss has set ds up to take the blame. I can’t parent dss anymore, you will blame me for whatever happens when I do. From now on you need to be around or he can’t come, I’m done with this juggling and you’re only turning up to yell at me or a 5yo.

Yeah I've worded it all completely wrong. I'm just exhausted and needed somewhere to offload todays events. I wasn't even going to press post as I knew it doesn't make sense! You are 100% correct that there is a lot more.

It may sound like a resent my dss. I don't. I was starting too a while back but reminded myself that he is a child. None of this is his fault. My husband has a favourite child and it's him. My son and his older daughter do not compare and never have.

My step daughter and my son are incredibly close too. They have a lovely relationship. They are full of cuddles etc whenever they see eachother.

My step daughter and my step son barely see each other and are not close at all. They never have been and there's a firm wedge between them both now. I doubt it can ever be repaired.

History is repeating itself with my son and my step son.

When my step son was my sons age, my husband used to get so angry with my step daughter when she refused to play. My step son would do the same - hit and kick etc and H would force her to play. I used to stand up for her and say she needed a break. My step daughter eventually stopped coming because she couldn't deal with it all anymore.

Now my son is at an age where he wants to play and it's the complete opposite. The absolute other end of what my step daughter was treated like. I'd never want my step son to be treated badly by H and I'd stand up for him if he did so I'm glad it's not happening but it's just clear who the favourite child is.

I'm just so done with it all. I'd find life easier as a single mum - I am that anyway pretty much.

Your son sounds annoying (but most 5yos are), but your DSS sounds like a right little Iago that your husband favours and panders to.

Your husband sounds like an angry, violent, abusive man who has the household walking on eggshells around him. Personally, I'd be looking to take your DD and DS and get out. He's already been violent to a 5yo - I'd be afraid of how his behaviour will escalate from here.

What would you do if they were both your sons?

I think dss knows now that he can do anything and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it because H will believe him over anything I say. So now I've stopped saying anything at all.

I'd say with the arguments it's about 60% my son that's the issue and 40% dss. It's more my son that dss - absolutely. But on the times that it is dss, it's just completely ignored. Or on the off chance that H might snap at him, he will be apologising minutes later and going to the shop to buy him sweets. He just cannot discipline him at all. Never has been able too. He was just as bad as my son for lashing out but he would always blame the other child and say 'dss is only 4 years old'....

We also have issues when it's one of the other kids birthdays. We had a weekend away for my daughters birthday and dss just couldn't handle that the attention was on her so he kept acting up. It really is such a deeper problem here but as I've said, no one else can see it but me.

I did used to be able to handle it all no problem. I am a very fair person and if I see something with either child then I would deal with it. But the last few months it's just all gone to pot with the boys.

Some may question why I haven't left but genuinely because things are all well and good during the week. DS is happy and good. I just thought it might all get better but it's just getting worse.

Can you just take DS out for the day when DSS is around?

Your DH is controlling your parenting. And thus controlling you (I've been there done that, and it doesn't end well)

@InceyWinceySpidy I wouldn't be waking on egg shells around a 9 year old for a start. I wouldn't let him eat in his bedroom away from the rest of us. If we're going out then we're going out. I wouldn't change my plans because he doesn't want to do something. I wouldn't be ringing my mum up to ask her to come watch my step son because I really need to pop to the shops and he doesn't want to come .

I would ask both sides of the story for any incidents that I hadn't seen. Because as much as I realise the 5 year old is in the wrong the majority of the time - he's 5. He doesn't try hide anything. If you ask him if he hit, he will say he did. I'm well aware that a 9 year old is clever. The 9 year off can sometimes of wound the 5 year old that much that it causes the 5 year old to lash out. Like I said earlier it is 60% my son that's in the wrong but 40% is the 9 year old who has a habit of doing things then no one is watching. Or at least his dad isn't watching.

However if they were both mine, I'm not sure we would be having this problem in the first place.

Yes I do this now. Although that always used to be a problem. Whenever I did anything on the weekend dss wasn't here, dss would always make a comment of why couldn't I have waited until the weekend he is here. So I got into the habit of doing that and feeling like I can't do anything when dss isn't here.

I do it now though. But then dss gets sad he wasn't included if he finds out. I honestly cannot win no matter what I don

Surely the main point of DSS coming to stay is to see his dad. So why the fuck is your husband working when his son is at home?
Even if your DSS has a great relationship with you and his brother your husband should still be there. If my husband told DSD she could do whatever she wanted while he was at work I'd hit the roof.
You have a couple of problems. At 5 your son knows he shouldn't be hitting or kicking anyone

Ar 9 your DSS is old enough to either agree to play with his brother for a certain amount of time or not. He doesn't get to say he will but then decide not to. Nor dies he get to choose the rules just because dad said so.
Your main problem is your husband. I don't think he's wrong to take DSS to his mum's tonight but everything else is wrong. He should be there when his son is. And you absolutely need to tell him a 9 year old doesn't get to choose what to do. Your husband if he really can't be home, tells DSS he listens to you as you are the adult.
His idea to keep the boys apart is ridiculous. Does he not want them to see each other? Who is looking after DSS when he's at work? Doesn't he think his kids should learn how to compromise?
Tbh thing's might be a lot easier with your husband not around.

Why does it matter if the DSS gets sad? Does this make your husband kick off? Surely it's in both boys' best interests to be separated atm.

So what was it about this man, who you observed being a shit father for years, made you think he’d be a good bloke to procreate with?

This is actually his last weekend of having to work. Typical really as I really expected this weekend to be ok. But it kicked off within 5 minutes of dss arriving. Dss had promised to make more of an effort with DS - this was nothing to do with me. This is what he had told his dad in the car.

But as soon as he arrived, DS gets all excited and asks dss if they can play a game together. Dss usual response is always the same 'no I don't want to play with you'

However this weekend dss worded it differently. He said 'I will but not now'. Unfortunately all DS heard was 'I will' and got all excited and ran off to grab his games console only for dss to turn round and say 'no I'm not playing with you now, maybe later'

Ds misunderstood. You might all judge me but I felt bad for ds. His face lit up when he came running in for his games console. 30 seconds later they are at each others throats. DS got the blame (even though he genuinely misunderstood) and next thing they are both gone out of the house.

The weight I feel I have on my shoulders for all this is just too heavy. It would be easier to do it alone

I understand that things are quite complicated for you, but were I in your situation my husband would have been out on his ear the first time he hit our child.

Your husband has form for favouring and treating his children with inequality. Yes your son is probably irritating his brother and his behaviour hitting out is not ok, but otherwise what you have described sounds similar to my son and his half brother's relationship. As a mother I get it, it guts me to see my son so excited to see his brother only for him to be upset within minutes but that's all pretty normal.
Your husband is basically treating you as a baby sitter to his older son, expecting you to care for him without having the ability to apply boundaries and rules. I look after my step children alone regularly but our relationship is such that I can parent them knowing my husband would support me.

If I were you I'd be asking your husband to remain at his mum's for the foreseeable whilst you think about it relationship.

“My husband screams at my son to not hit and kick but then smacks his bum and loses his temper. “

And yet you’re still with him.

It is very clear to me what is going on here but I feel you will just come back with more excuses or yes buts… op. Posters have given you advice and you keep coming back with excuses or reasons and counter arguments. It appears you and probably your dh are not ready to address this.

For what it’s worth I think you need to both take a step back, discuss a way forward and reset.

It is clear to me that you have got into an unhealthy cycle of each protecting a ds and each over compensating for that dc.

This has caused a confusing dynamic for the dc so behaviours are escalating. You can claim to love your dss all you want, you can claim to be a fair person all you want, you can claim not to pressure dss all you want but your posts radiate resentment of this child. I’m not saying it’s intentional but you have passed your issues with your dh onto dss. It is also clear to me that dh is overcompensating with dss. This is a chicken and egg situation. It’s hard to say whether you saw dh favouring dss first or if your dh did so on the back of you favouring your 5 year old. You have got into the cycle of making excuses for the 5 year old and dh has sided with dss. This has turned into a battle of sides. You and ds and dh with dss.

None of the behaviour from the dc is abnormal. 9 year olds wind up and egg on 5 year old brothers, this is normal. 5 year olds pester 9 year old brothers also this is normal. What has happened is that the adults in this household have each sided with a dc, again not intentionally.

Facts are that your dh will feel naturally more protective of dss because he is the child from a split household etc and he’s probably hyper vigilant to any perceived upset to dss. You then step in to protect ds from this perceived favouring and the cycle continues. In my opinion the reason this is not the case with your older dc or dh dd is because 5 year old is 1, a boy and 2, both dh dc. It appears dh immediately took on some guilt about him having a another boy with another woman and thus over compensated with dss. You will treat you own dc more favourably because that is nature no matter how much you think you hide it.

It will be very difficult to address this but at the moment it’s damaging to both dc.

With all that said, your dh is completely wrong to physically abuse dc and shout at anyone. This needs addressing before anything else. That is abuse plain and simple and regardless of anything else going on it is not acceptable. I would have left the minute dh laid a finger on my dc but I’m not you. Do you know why dh split with his ex? You may wish to undertake a Claire’s law.

Op it’s up to you what you do but it appears life would be much simpler single.

Your husband is the issue here. You know that right?