To be sad at the level of competitive spending..

[BelleMarionette]

At children's parties?

The old fashioned coming over to the family home, party games and some food and snacks seems to have disappeared.

It's now all about hiring venues, entertainers, or going to expensive places that offer packages.

I can't remember the last time my children were invited to a party in the children's house without an entertainer. Even families without a lot put on big parties.

I can't afford fancy parties, and feel embarrassed to host a 'normal' (ie just at home with food and games I organise) party.

When I was child I remember parties just being a few games or running riot in the child's home for a couple of hours.

Aibu that the norm has very much changed?

Never did a whole class party in Primary and neither did anyone else. They’re not a thing around here but we’re rural/countryside rather than town/city and a trip to the cinema in the town 25 mins drive away is as exciting as it gets for the young teens.

For primary aged kids, birthday parties around here are usually a family affair with grandparents, cousins and a few friends.

We did make a bigger effort and invited all the boys in the class when DS was 6, but that was only 6 boys as it’s a village primary school. DH painted a cartoon Pirate onto a large piece of plywood and attached it to other bits of wood so it could stand up on its own. He cut out a circle where the face would be and the boys took turns and chucked wet sponges at whoever was stood behind it. DH organised lots of other games too and I made the usual party food. We did party games like the ones back in the 70’s when I was a kid, pass the parcel, eyeballs in jelly etc. The Piñata full of sweets hanging from a tree branch was well received.

The other friend who organised really great kids parties had a small farm and so there was loads of space to run around, ropes hanging from trees to climb on and square hay bales to sit on. She often did a huge summer party during the school holidays as she had 5 kids and this saved doing separate parties for each of them during the year. They’d start about 2pm and finish late in the evening with loads of food and drink and guests would also bring a contribution. There was always live music too as her husband and several guests played instruments and sang.

This feels very small minded.

I love my child, I want them to have a happy birthday.
I'll have an event to share the happy birthday with my child's friends.
I'll make it nice for everyone who comes.

OP: I don't like that I can't do what you did.

Just do what you want to do and not worry about what other people think.

No one round my way does fancy parties. No one can afford that. It's just maybe hire a hall for £30 and all the kids just have fun for a couple hours.

You can come to mine next week!

They are getting some tents up in the garden, some random craft activities, decorating digestive biscuits, a few party games and if it's warm, a water fight at the end.

Most people just don’t want loads of kids running about their house if they don’t have to. It’s not a new thing.

Agree! I definitely don’t want children and their parents that I barely know and likely haven’t met in my home, the mess, or the liability. There are venues for kids’ parties for a reason.

I went to birthday parties that were mainly at venues as a kid, only two I can remember was at a house and one was a sleepover.

I think this depends on what your kid enjoys, they’re not going to have many ‘big’ birthdays like this - I’d imagine we’ll do them from 4-8 and then they’ll just want a few close friends to do something with them. I’m happy to hire an entertainer so they have a fun time, I’m not great at entertaining a group of kids for 2 hours! We did the bouncy castle when younger but now it’s drop and go at 7 then I think they would enjoy someone fun entertaining them! Maybe it just wasn’t done so much in the past but we have the money for it so why not.

It's not unreasonable to be nostalgic for the sort of parties that you remember from childhood, but it is a bit unreasonable to not expect things to have changed. Whether they've changed for the better or not is debatable but, unfortunately, most kids parties are out at a venue rather than the family home. Depending on where you live, it's often because the family home is a tiny flat where there's simply no room to have a party.

My experience is that it's not so much competitive parenting but, because most kids have parties at a venue, it becomes the expectations and some kids can be pretty blunt when expectations aren't met e.g. 'I'm bored' and asking where the party entertainer is. Personally, I don't like being responsible for entertaining at least 12 kids, and I can't afford £200+ for a venue/entertainer, so I actually invite 2-3 kids over for cake and an outing to the movies or something and that's it.

My youngest just had his party at a local indoor play centre and it was well worth the money not to have 20 kids ruining my house, dealing with their arguments/play fighting/its not fair etc buying, prepping, storing the food, sorting out party bags etc. I probably would have had a nervous breakdown if Id have done that at home.

Instead, we went to an indoor play centre, arrived 5 minutes before the party started, letting the kids run riot whilst the parents drunk coffee in the cafe, the centre did the food, the party bags and the clearing up. We had left within 5 minutes of the party ending with the cards & presents and had no stress. It was brilliant and nothing to do with competitive spending, more with preserving our sanity at a young kids party!!

Our parties as children were either a few friends round someone's house for a party tea when younger, or by primary school a church hall disco and party tea or an hour at a play barn and a party tea. I don't think any of those were particularly extravagant.

I think the shift is the scale of young children's parties where they get minimal benefit (eg expensive cakes, balloon arches etc for 1 and 2 year olds) and more fancy parties that cost a lot of money. I've noticed there's more obvious spending on the visuals of parties, which to me seems to be about photos/for show

Yep, this.

It's a combination of average dwelling size getting smaller so the typical family now has a smaller living space than they did when todays parents were kids, and people preferring paying for an easier life.

The easy running riot in people's gardens that OP remembers as a child certainly won't have been easy for the parents, mothers let's be honest, who had to do all the legwork.

This is a description of my sixth birthday party.

My mother made and iced my birthday cake, but due to some horrible error with the food colouring it turned out bright green like the poisoned cake in Peter Pan. About an hour before the party started my father phoned to explain that he had to work late. Suuuuuure. Faced with the prospect of entertaining 25 six year olds for 2.5 hours my mother immediately roped in our neighbour to help.

Two children arrived howling with horror at the thought of spending an evening in my company. They didn't even make it across the threshold but had to be taken straight home. I was suffering from a plague of boils on my leg, I thought that was only in biblical times and I'm honestly not that old, but there we were. One decided to burst in bloody and pus filled glory to much interest from the assembled throng.

We played blind man's buff and managed to destroy my mother's prize Christmas cactus. We played hide and seek and several children decided the best place to hide was on the window sill in my sister's room. This was back in the 70's so single pane and no safety glass. My mother managed to end the game before having to explain why several children were accidentally defenestrated to distraught parents. We played many other games but one girl kept winning so our neighbour tried to fix it so that she didn't, but was detected in the fraud.

One girl found the whole thing so entrancing that she gloomily pounded on our piano for the entire evening.

Finally we got to the tea and nobody would touch the birthday cake. Except me. My mother was so harassed by the end of the event that she forgot to give anyone their balloon and slice of cake. So I got to play with about 30 balloons for the next week and eat many slices of my favourite cake. Result.

After that we went to the pantomime to celebrate my birthday.

My mother still talked about that party 50 years later.

Lol that's a very vivid description! I feel like I was there.

It's a great example though of how the simple parties running riot in people's homes that OP describes won't have been remotely easy or straightforward for the adults who had to facilitate them.

I’m in my thirties and didn’t have an at home party until I was about 13/14 and it was less of a party, more a sleepover with movies and snacks.

The local park isn’t always an option either. I grew up in the north and my birthday is in February so a visit to the local park would have literally been a washout.

Not interested in competitive spending. We can afford it but have never done it.

most parties have been at home with a bouncy castle and games.

a couple have been out and about but it’s specific activities at a reasonable cost per head and less guests.

my most expensive party was a teepee sleepover one which was about £500 in the end, but usually they’re around £150-£200 out of choice (that’s more than I need to spend but I’m a bit of a theme diva and I love it!)

Two dc and two venue parties, allowed rest were in our humble homes.
I'm very grateful to the people's who splashed out one the big parties though!!

Never hired an entertainer, once I hired a glitter ‘tattoo’ lady (she was amazing and kids went mad for it). I admit to hiring halls, bouncy castles and we’ve had one party each at soft play centers and a climbing center. We’ve also had plenty of home parties with nothing super special except some party games and aways a pinata. What I didn’t like about the hall hiring and soft play was I didn’t see my kid enjoying her party, and that annoyed me. Home parties were more work but my husband is really funny with groups of kids and made them all laugh a lot. Don’t be embarrassed. Do what you want!!

What I find weird is now most of the kids parties we attend usually offer grown ups Prosecco and beer.

This was exactly it for me.

I did not want the inconvenience and hassle of having dozens of other people's children rampaging around my house. So we either went to soft play when they were still of that age, or hired the local church hall and an entertainer. It was not outrageously expensive at all and took a lot of weight off my shoulders.

Doing it at home with everything I would have had to have bought would only have made a very marginal saving, if any at all. So why would I have done that and put myself through all of the drudgery and hassle?

My "children" are in their twenties now, so those parties are rather a long time ago. I don't miss them to be honest. These days we just go out for a meal at a local restaurant or pub.

i can remember thinking I'd rather give birth again than ever throw another children's party! After 3 in my house I went for hiring venues, I was lucky at my child had their birthday the day after their then best friend all the guests were in the same friendship group so us mums organised a joint event. It was still exhausting

I disagree with the comments re: social media influence. I don't post my sons birthdays on social media but then I don't post them on social media at all. Neither do his friends parents for the most part.

When we have birthdays its not a whole class event but rather 3-6 close friends (same social circle since nursery).

I've done a mix of home/special location type parties and they've all been well received. I genuinely don't feel the need to impress anyone.

I couldn't care less what other parents thought of his choice of events - so long as my boys and their friends have fun and are safe then that's all that matters.

I’m late 30s and can remember loads of different parties from when I was a kid.
Some were at home or at grandparents’ houses (if they had a bigger garden).
Lots were at venues- swimming pools with inflatables, roller discos, soft play, pubs with function rooms.

I had parties at home and attended them, but also attended parties such as discos in a local hall and bowling.

Surely the difference now is that people live in smaller places?

My 2 year old had to have two birthday parties this year as he's a winter birthday and we weren't organised but couldn't accommodate all his friends plus a parent in one sitting in our small 2 bed terrace.

I grew up in a much bigger house despite living in a single parent household.

I actively go against competitive party spending as I cannot be arsed and don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

I have twins and it’s a bouncy castle in the garden, hot dogs and ice cream. That is it. Kids love it, they bomb around and jump about, chase each other and eat ice cream, then they go home.

We also have a no gifts rule as the kids have enough toys. Everyone gets a slice of cake to take home as I’m not buying loads of plastic tat that is a waste.

Exactly this. For a child, they have no idea how much a party costs but they will forever remember the fun they had. Obviously the location and price of a party has no relation to the experience...a backyard party in perfect weather and with the right friends will probably equal that of an expensive party above. However the more money is spent, the higher the chances are that children will have a unique experience. If a family can afford that, then why begrudge them?

I would be disgusted to spend time and money planning a fantastic party for a group of kids, and then have a parent like the OP show up sneerily judging us for being "competitive". This is part of the reason people send their kids to private school.

Time of year is the decider for us. Great summer parties in the garden. I would go somewhere in the winter,