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Original poster

To find this deeply unusual and sad?

455 replies

ToTheMax0 · 28/05/2023 12:04

Met a 39 Yr old lady the other day at a small gathering at my neighbours.
I asked if she was married with kids and she looked embarrassed and said no to neither. Later on in the evening, she admitted she had never kissed a man or dated, nothing like that. Not assexual, just nothing has ever led her to a relationship and she's scared to date online but also, not entirely interested. She went to mixed schools but was teased for being ugly and then onto an almost all female college and university. Was never into the pub and club scene as a young woman either. Just find it sad for her.

OP posts:
Apricotjoy · 30/05/2023 08:03

Why do you feel sad for her? Because she doesn't conform to what your version of happiness is? Or did she specifically say she was sad she never married or had children? Because what I DO think is sad is a grown adult measuring happiness on if they married or not.

Solonge · 30/05/2023 08:53

madnessitellyou · 28/05/2023 12:08

Why on earth is it any of your business to ask someone you've only just met if they're married with kids?

Fwiw I'm married with dc but had a very similar experience at school. I was never into the pub/club scene and really couldn't care less.

I don't think this is unusual or sad. And absolutely nothing to do with you.

Rude.

Solonge · 30/05/2023 08:54

ToTheMax0 · 28/05/2023 12:04

Met a 39 Yr old lady the other day at a small gathering at my neighbours.
I asked if she was married with kids and she looked embarrassed and said no to neither. Later on in the evening, she admitted she had never kissed a man or dated, nothing like that. Not assexual, just nothing has ever led her to a relationship and she's scared to date online but also, not entirely interested. She went to mixed schools but was teased for being ugly and then onto an almost all female college and university. Was never into the pub and club scene as a young woman either. Just find it sad for her.

Yes it’s really unusual. Nothing wrong with asking and she clearly opened up to you. If as you say she isn’t entirely interested in following anything up then that’s good for her, if she feels she missed out, it’s sad,

SparklyBlackKitten · 30/05/2023 08:56

@drinkyourtea12
'I'm 39 no kids not married
Hate when people ask me this question!
I'm happy with my choices'

Really?!?! You should see someone about that. Because that would be the most asked question that pops up in conversation. Ever....

If you are "happy with your choices. Then you wouldn't feel any anger when people ask you a normal question 😉

SparklyBlackKitten · 30/05/2023 08:57

And yes op. it is sad for sure.
A sad life :(

Maybe you can help her:)

Im not being sarcastic btw.

Comedycook · 30/05/2023 09:01

I think a lot of posters are misinterpreting this because of their own insecurities.

No one has suggested it's sad to be single or childless. That's totally normal and unremarkable. What is more unusual and sad imo is to get to your late thirties never having even kissed another person or gone on a date. That's a totally different situation to just being single

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 30/05/2023 09:09

SparklyBlackKitten · 30/05/2023 08:56

@drinkyourtea12
'I'm 39 no kids not married
Hate when people ask me this question!
I'm happy with my choices'

Really?!?! You should see someone about that. Because that would be the most asked question that pops up in conversation. Ever....

If you are "happy with your choices. Then you wouldn't feel any anger when people ask you a normal question 😉

She probably feels angry because she knows her answer will be met with patronising twats pitying her and thinking she needs 'help'.

Maybe you're not particularly original or bright enough to ask questions of women outwith their marital or reproductive status, makes me sad for you 😔, you should get some help with being a more imaginative and interesting person. I'm sure if you start a thread you'll get plenty of help on here.

FlipFlopVibe · 30/05/2023 09:22

I find the question posed the strangest part ‘deeply unusual’, who for? Yourself? Just because it doesn’t fit your norms doesn’t mean it’s deeply unusual or sad.

I don’t know what you are hoping to achieve from the question, if you got affirmation that yes it’s unusual and sad would you start intruding in this lady’s life? Now that you have been told it’s rude to interfere, what’s your plan and have you achieved what you hoped?

arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2023 09:24

Oh you would @SparklyBlackKitten
I promise you, when you've been asked it a bazillion times, from a person so narrow minded who doesn't have the brain capacity to think someone might be happy living a life different to their choices. It can make a very very happy person momentarily angry, yes.

DilemmaADay · 30/05/2023 10:23

You must be one of those people who thinks being married and reproducing defines a woman. How very sad.

Elly46 · 30/05/2023 10:50

No not sad at all. Maybe sad to one who has experienced dating, pubs, relationships etc but so long as she’s happy it’s her business
sounds like bliss to me. I’m married to a man and have 1 son who’s autistic. I’d love the peace and head space she probably gets!

PeachyPeachTrees · 30/05/2023 11:15

One of my friends is 56, never married or had kids. Never been kissed and still a virgin. She is living alone and lonely and would have loved kids. She spends a lot of her time with her sister and neices.
I think it's a normal chit chat question to ask if you are married or have kids but I wouldn't be surprised if she dreads this question. My DH hates being asked what he does for a job. We can only talk so long about the weather though!

KimberleyClark · 30/05/2023 11:23

My DH hates being asked what he does for a job.

I hated that too. Some people transparently want to know how senior you are/how much you earn.

ManateeFair · 30/05/2023 11:28

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat.

It's not, though. I wouldn't dream of quizzing someone I'd just met about that. I might ask them about their job or where they lived or something like that, but I wouldn't ask if they were married or had kids. That's something for them to mention if they want to; it would just naturally come up in conversation if they wanted to talk about it.

Basically, mind your own business and stop patronising people. Do you think she wants your pity? I doubt it.

Skodacool · 30/05/2023 13:59

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 28/05/2023 12:37

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat.

No, most people won’t ask that.

I’m one of those who would not ask such questions. You wait until the other person mentions these things in the course of conversation.

AllyCart · 30/05/2023 15:27

SparklyBlackKitten · 30/05/2023 08:56

@drinkyourtea12
'I'm 39 no kids not married
Hate when people ask me this question!
I'm happy with my choices'

Really?!?! You should see someone about that. Because that would be the most asked question that pops up in conversation. Ever....

If you are "happy with your choices. Then you wouldn't feel any anger when people ask you a normal question 😉

@SparklyBlackKitten

And yes op. it is sad for sure.
A sad life :(

Maybe you can help her:)

Im not being sarcastic btw.

Wow. Giving you the benefit of doubt, I'm sure you don't realise how bloody vile you sound.

Sartre · 30/05/2023 15:30

Well yes it’s unusual because society piles a lot of pressure onto people (particularly women) to marry and have children by a certain age. Some women don’t wish to do either and that’s honestly fine. I’m sure she gets by ok without a partner so she doesn’t need your pity.

AllyCart · 30/05/2023 15:31

For clarity, it's this bit that's particularly vile:

If you are "happy with your choices. Then you wouldn't feel any anger when people ask you a normal question 😉

That dismissive, condescending 'wink' in particular.

As if it's impossible for someone to be happy with their own situation just because it's not one you would choose for yourself.

thecatsthecats · 30/05/2023 16:00

AllyCart · 30/05/2023 15:31

For clarity, it's this bit that's particularly vile:

If you are "happy with your choices. Then you wouldn't feel any anger when people ask you a normal question 😉

That dismissive, condescending 'wink' in particular.

As if it's impossible for someone to be happy with their own situation just because it's not one you would choose for yourself.

It's particularly normal to be narked by people CONTINUALLY questioning your happiness, as if you shouldn't be.

And to be narked by people being dull conversationalists. I've never been asked questions like that who has later turned out to be a scintillating raconteur.

Brighteyes2368 · 30/05/2023 16:31

WTF!?!?
You invaded her privacy by asking very personal questions even though you don't know her at all and now you're "sad" because her life doesn't measure up to your weird definition of a happy/successful life?
F* off and leave her to her happy life.

Quveas · 30/05/2023 16:40

ToTheMax0 · 28/05/2023 12:20

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat.
The latter part of the conversation came about late in the evening when we were chatting more. She has never wanted kids so not an issue there, didn't seem sad particularly but do get the hint she is lonely. I know relationships are really tough at times but the connection and love is worth it. I was just surprised as I have never met anyone in her position before. That's all.

I can honestly say that not only have I never asked anyone (male or female) if they are married with kids, but to my best recollection, nobody has ever asked me that either. You seem to be reading a lot into her life.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 30/05/2023 17:02

FatCatBum · 28/05/2023 20:15

But I find an 'oh god no, couldn't think of anything worse' usually shuts the nosy judgy bastards down quite quickly

I’ve gone with ‘No’, No, thank goodness’ or ‘No, thank fuck’ in the past, depending on who I’m talking to & what initial response I get.

Comedycook · 30/05/2023 18:21

To all those who think her life sounds blissful, why didn't you choose that? Never dating anyone, never kissing a man, no sex, no marriage, no kids. If it sounds so brilliant, you could have lived like that

arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2023 18:25

Comedycook · 30/05/2023 18:21

To all those who think her life sounds blissful, why didn't you choose that? Never dating anyone, never kissing a man, no sex, no marriage, no kids. If it sounds so brilliant, you could have lived like that

Ah the benefit of hindsight.

So, I didn't quite do it, societal expectations and all that, but, having done both, (married and kids 20 years; single 5 years) there is a very very clear winner in terms of how happy I am; and if I had my time again, whilst id probably choose kids, I would never ever choose marriage.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 30/05/2023 18:27

Comedycook · 30/05/2023 18:21

To all those who think her life sounds blissful, why didn't you choose that? Never dating anyone, never kissing a man, no sex, no marriage, no kids. If it sounds so brilliant, you could have lived like that

I did.
I am living like ’that’.
And it is bliss ☺️

And I think many are just saying it’s rude to think she (or me, or people like us) are sad and unusual.
No one has to live in certain way to prove something.
People with children can see that childfree people can live a good life, people who drink can see that being teetotaler is an good way to live.
Do you understand where I’m going with this?