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Original poster

To find this deeply unusual and sad?

455 replies

ToTheMax0 · 28/05/2023 12:04

Met a 39 Yr old lady the other day at a small gathering at my neighbours.
I asked if she was married with kids and she looked embarrassed and said no to neither. Later on in the evening, she admitted she had never kissed a man or dated, nothing like that. Not assexual, just nothing has ever led her to a relationship and she's scared to date online but also, not entirely interested. She went to mixed schools but was teased for being ugly and then onto an almost all female college and university. Was never into the pub and club scene as a young woman either. Just find it sad for her.

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 29/05/2023 19:56

ThirstyThursday · 29/05/2023 19:19

@Thepeopleversuswork

Grow up

Show quote history

I suppose if this response to another poster is reflective of your conversational skills then talking about marriage and children might be all you can manage 🤷‍♀️

CantAskAnyoneElse · 29/05/2023 20:14

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 29/05/2023 18:56

To reach that age without sex is sad.

You are joking!
You must be.
What a crazy thing to say.
There is nothing sad about of not having had sex, at any age. Or ever.

You must have a very boring and empty life, ffs.

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/05/2023 20:20

@sammylady37

Indeed. @ThirstyThursday on second thoughts perhaps stick to talking about marriage and babies. You don't want to strain yourself intellectually.

Ketzele · 29/05/2023 20:25

When I was young and lovely- a long time ago now - men frequently told me what a shame it was, what a 'waste', that I was lesbian.

Be careful of feeling sorry for women without encumbrances. They are vastly over-represented among those who do amazing things in the world.

Willyoujust · 29/05/2023 20:41

ToTheMax0 · 28/05/2023 12:04

Met a 39 Yr old lady the other day at a small gathering at my neighbours.
I asked if she was married with kids and she looked embarrassed and said no to neither. Later on in the evening, she admitted she had never kissed a man or dated, nothing like that. Not assexual, just nothing has ever led her to a relationship and she's scared to date online but also, not entirely interested. She went to mixed schools but was teased for being ugly and then onto an almost all female college and university. Was never into the pub and club scene as a young woman either. Just find it sad for her.

I don’t think it’s unusual or sad. I have quite a few friends in their 40s who are unmarried without children. I think it’s quite normal these days x

Macinae · 29/05/2023 20:49

Marriage and kids aren't the be all end all. I'm sure there are interesting things about her outside of those things. As a society we need to make more effort with small talk and stop perpetuating the notion that all women have to converse about is marriage or kids.

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 29/05/2023 20:57

Sexuality is part of being human like grief, like happiness.

JediIsMyMaster · 29/05/2023 21:28

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 29/05/2023 20:57

Sexuality is part of being human like grief, like happiness.

In your opinion.

StoptheToryshitshow · 29/05/2023 21:35

What a conventional bunch of women we’ve become if being married and having kids is ‘the norm’
I actually got married (briefly) in my late 20’s in the late 90’s and in my workplace I was the only person married at the time. Marriage then, (admittedly living in london so maybe not the norm elsewhere) was seen as a bit ‘out there’ and overly grown up.
Also I know at least 5 people in their 50’s who have or are getting married for the first time. I don’t think her situation is the slightest bit odd. I admire her actually for not following the herd and I wouldn’t have asked that question, it’s very pedestrian and yes a bit intrusive and presumptuous.

changeme4this · 29/05/2023 21:38

Our DD is in her mid 20’s and is on her own, no major love interest and doesn’t have a large circle of friends, just one from school and a couple from work all but two of those are single and childless.

Goes to the gym but isn’t into the club/pub/drinking scene and is quite happy about it all.

I don’t think your person is unusual, but as you have read on your own thread it can be difficult to start off conversations without someone taking offence. DD says she has had enough of dealing with people during business hours, so quite happy to be on her own.

Vintagejazzing · 29/05/2023 21:51

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 29/05/2023 18:56

To reach that age without sex is sad.

Sadder than people desperately boasting that they've lost count of the number of people they've had sex with, as I've frequently seen on here?

I don't think so.

SashaPearce · 29/05/2023 21:53

Missingpop · 29/05/2023 18:39

Get in there & show her what she’s missing then because that s what your really asking am I being unreasonable to want to ask her out !! No your not

😄

Comedycook · 29/05/2023 21:57

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 29/05/2023 20:57

Sexuality is part of being human like grief, like happiness.

Of course it is.

Seven billion people on this planet proves it's not going out of fashion anytime soon.

Speakingmymind · 29/05/2023 22:30

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 29/05/2023 18:56

To reach that age without sex is sad.

To be as ignorant and close minded as you is sad

DeeLasVegas · 29/05/2023 22:58

Why on earth do some people find it so hard to believe that a person can be fulfilled and happy without the need to be married or have kids. I have many friends who are living their best life without the need of a partner and children. It’s 2023 🤦🏻‍♀️

Winnipeg23 · 29/05/2023 23:34

Thepeopleversuswork · 28/05/2023 21:34

You're not from round here are you?

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣 great answer! 🎯

porridgeisbae · 30/05/2023 00:39

As someone unable to work due to disability, I really appreciated the one person that never asked the 'what do you do' question, too.

Admittedly in her case she was probably just a bit self absorbed and didn't ask about other people much.

But I still appreciated it at a time when I used to feel very anxious in social interactions when I thought people wouldn't understand and would dislike me because I didn't work.

10 or more years on I'm more able to be open about my work situation than I was though. If people draw any wrong conclusions and don't get it, I'm not bothered.

porridgeisbae · 30/05/2023 00:46

Sexuality is part of being human

Many things that can be part of being human. A particular individual mightn't participate in every single one, even common ones. Work, happening to reproduce, whatever. Home owning. Going to pubs/cafes. Travel or lack thereof. Driving. There are no doubt all sorts of things.

porridgeisbae · 30/05/2023 00:48

Sadder than people desperately boasting that they've lost count of the number of people they've had sex with, as I've frequently seen on here?

@Vintagejazzing Do people boast about that as such? I suppose I might've before I became Catholic. Now I have to try and play it all down. Grin

BritInAus · 30/05/2023 00:51

95% of all threads on here are about people in deeply unhappy marriages and relationships. I would feel much sadder for them.

Mamanyt · 30/05/2023 01:02

If she looked embarrassed, then no, YANBU. And you said she did. IF she had said, "NO, I'm very happily single and unencumbered!" THEN YWBU to feel sad for her.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/05/2023 01:26

ToTheMax0 · 28/05/2023 12:20

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat.
The latter part of the conversation came about late in the evening when we were chatting more. She has never wanted kids so not an issue there, didn't seem sad particularly but do get the hint she is lonely. I know relationships are really tough at times but the connection and love is worth it. I was just surprised as I have never met anyone in her position before. That's all.

So she doesn't want kids, isn't overly interested in a relationship, seems happy enough but you pity her because she isn't living life like you to choose to.

Rikitiki78 · 30/05/2023 03:40

Wow. ToTheMaxO, aren’t you sorry you shared that conversation? I agree that it is just small talk and some people just give out personal info more freely.

PosseGalore · 30/05/2023 03:41

ToTheMax0 · 28/05/2023 12:20

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat.
The latter part of the conversation came about late in the evening when we were chatting more. She has never wanted kids so not an issue there, didn't seem sad particularly but do get the hint she is lonely. I know relationships are really tough at times but the connection and love is worth it. I was just surprised as I have never met anyone in her position before. That's all.

You’re the one whose world is limited and small. You can’t imagine a lifestyle different to your own, which means you lack imagination. That’s sad and I feel very sorry for you.

RockyReef · 30/05/2023 07:09

It's slightly unusual in that a majority of people seem to be married or in long term relationships or have had long term relationships by that age, but I don't think it's unusual in a completely never encountered it before sort of a way. I am married with children, but my sibling (late forties) isn't and to my knowledge has never had a relationship or anything and is perfectly happy on their own. I also have a cousin (early forties) and a friend in their mid forties who are both exactly the same - no relationships ever. All of them have fulfilling lives, and are very happy. So no it's not sad unless the person in question wants all those things and feels sad about it themselves, even then they may well not want your pity!