Having to make space for a ‘sister’?

[Meggymoo777]

I have a half sister, same mother and we grew up together. Im mid 30s and she’s 6yrs younger.

I cut my ties with her 6 years ago, we were on holiday and she did some really unforgivable things, thought this holiday would really bring us together, I was so wrong, it just proved that she’s a really terrible person . I made sure she got home safe from that holiday and we never spoke again.

Her relationship with my Mum has been up and down, and completely nonexistent at times, but they are now rebuilding their relationship (nothing to do me or my Mum, in my opinion, my ‘sister’ just used people and she has now separated from her ‘partner’ who she’s had a child with she’s now using my Mum)
I am genuinely happy for my Mum, she’s happy she sees her daughter and now her grandchild, I offer advice on the latest drama that this girl has going on, I’m a great support to my Mum and she relies on me I think.
She asked me to meet this girl, I said absolutely not. I’m made to feel guilty because she also has a son, my ‘nephew’ apparently, that I’ve never met. I don’t feel guilty.

Now that they are rebuilding a relationship (which I want for my Mum!) I didn’t expect this pressure to be be directed at me as well. I support my Mum and her relationship with this girl, but I will not have her back in my life under any circumstances.

Think I’m just writing this to vent and get it down but would love some feedback | advice… am I wrong? Is family always so importantly as I’m told? I really don’t think it is?

You do sound jealous, maybe you aren't but it comes across very strongly. Do you have unresolved issues from childhood, your dad not being there, a new man there and then another child? Do you associate the issues with her father with her? Even her children seem to be an issue.

How do you refer to her to your mother? You say how much you love your mother, how much you do for her but you must hurt her terribly if you talk like that in front of her.

You don't have to be her friend, you don't even have to spend time with her but your jealousy/hatred sounds like it is eating you up and for yourself you need to resolve some of this.

@Zazaz talks a lot of sense.

I guess it triggers the wound that may have been caused at six years old.. along comes a baby who has done nothing to earn all of the attention. Now 30 years later, along comes a needy sibling taking the mothers attention. This is the exact formula for causing OP pain. My childhood wounds are around not being heard, being shamed for having a reaction to being hurt, shame for having my own perspective. SO when my mother gaslights me and shames me, it is the exact behaviour to make me feel crazy.

I dont know what the answer is, but I think op's mother should understand that op needs observe over time how this plays out before risking meeting.

You don't just sound jealous, you sound like a jealous child having a tantrum.

As a half sister myself who grew up with three older half siblings, I hate the use of ‘this girl’. I don’t particularly like the continual use of half sister either. It’s like pointing out that you’ll never feel the same about them as you would a full sibling.

Stick to your guns

Leopard, spots

In time her true colours will come through again

Well OP has had plenty of time to think up some horrific behaviour to justify herself even if it wasn’t so bad.

It’s frustrating when someone posts like this with half a story. None of us can really know where the problem is.

What is clear is that OPs mother doesn’t view her daughter as irredeemable and she is entitled to continue her relationship. OP is under no obligation to have contact with her (half) sister but she needs to avoid dripping poison into her mums ear about her.

OP you say your mother discusses your sister with you. I think it’s reasonable for you to set a boundary there and say you don’t want to hear it. Somehow I don’t think you will though…

I'm finding the way you talk about your sister strange. You show great contempt for her and haven't really explained why so it's difficult to tell if you're being unreasonable in not rekindling the relationship to a more civil level than 'this girl'
I'm sure as an adult you can accept that your mum being sad makes sense as no one has dc tbh king they'll never get on. But as an adult you can also set boundaries and deal with them because it is your choice not to see your sister and not your mums. As PP have said gently say I would rather not speak about her anymore and leave it at that. You shouldn't really involve yourself with any matter concerning your sister anymore given your posts as I don't think much good can come from it.

Well nothing, only the fact she's posted an an open forum concerning her experience so I've posted mine. Are you OK? 😳

But that’s your hang up, and has nothing to do with OP. She is by definition a half sister, and if OP wants to make that distinction that’s up to her.

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I don’t think OP sounds particularly jealous, she sounds pissed off that she’s being pressured to have a relationship with her and her children. Her mother may be reasonable to want her children to have a relationship, but it’s absolutely unreasonable to push that knowing full well OP that isn’t receptive. She doesn’t either her mother or her half sister a relationship with the latter, and her mother needs to accept that.

The nephew may be a child, but he’s also a complete stranger.

I get it, my brother is a complete bellend and I cut him out years ago. My mum still makes herself ill running around after him despite him treating her disgustingly, but it’s her choice at the end of the day. She tries to pressure me into speaking with him, I won’t discuss it with her. Just as I respect that she will always give him chances etc, she has to respect I want nothing to with him.

I do however agree with others that your use of “this girl” to describe your sister is pretty jarring and makes you look bitter. She’s your sister, nothing will change that, and your nephew is your nephew. You seem to resent them being related to you? Also, if all this happened when she was under 25, I do actually think it might be worth giving her a chance, people grow and change a lot from their early 20s. But that’s your choice ultimately.

Oh lord, I thought that one had been retired alongside head tilts and enquiring about the status of one’s pritt stick problem, but guess not.

Sure, but she wasn’t asking whether you liked or used the term ‘half sister’. She is by definition a half sister, regardless of anyone else’s personal issues with that designation.

Hard to judge without knowing what happened on this holiday. You could be completely overreacting for all we know

I get she feels stuck in the middle but she also needs to respect your wishes that you don’t want to be there. Deep down your mum will know your the one that’s always there if not already you don’t need to worry about that but you also don’t need to give this person head space if your mum brings it up say you know how I feel mum let’s talk about something else focus on the positives in your relationship with your mum and her time with you. X

@Meggymoo777 you say you've been there to pick up the pieces mum wise. Well STOP. She has a husband for that. Kindly tell her that you don't wish to discuss sister and will leave, hang up the phone if she starts. And do it.

Not your circus not your monkeys.

I've always had a lot of sympathy for the Prodigal Son's elder brother.

So my phone is acting up and I there’s too many responses to reply individually

She is my half sister. This is biological fact whatever anyone here thinks. We do not share the same parents. Ah

I have tried and tried and tried again to form a relationship with her. She would appease me only when she needed something. Our last holiday was yet another attempt by me to bond with her. She turned this into a complete disaster. I still had the good grace to ensure she made it home safe, including driving her home from the airport when all I wanted to do was throw her out of my moving vehicle. She would not have made it home without my assistance.

Those wondering what actually happened between us - as I said up thread, there’s too much to mention. The holiday was merely the last straw. Stealing, lying, violence, abuse, appalling treatment of my mother, I couldn’t take it anymore. And to the PP saying that I’ve had plenty of time now to make something up to justify what I’ve said here, that made me smile. You must think I’ve plenty of time on my hands 🤣

Those who have questioned my lack of a relationship with her son. I would genuinely love nothing more than to have a nephew, I really think I’d be a great aunt and I’d fricking love my DC to have a cousin. But it’s not a role I would take lightly and will not get involved as I know it would end in separation and tears all round.

As I said previously, my use of the phrase this girl isn’t actually meant in any sort of malicious way, it’s purely used as a means of describing this person. Maybe it’s where I’m from but this wouldn’t be seen as derogatory in itself. You’ll notice I switched to describing her as an adult human female. Another biological fact. I hope this sits better with those that had an issue with my turn of phrase.

Those you have referenced any sort of jealousy - this really is laughable. I have a really lovely life.

To PP who said I was demonising this adult human female… trust me, I absolutely have not. She has done this all by herself.

To PP asking why I turned out ‘well’ and not her… I honestly have no idea. On paper, I’ve had far more adversity to overcome, some very very difficult things to deal with. Hence the hundreds of hours and thousands of pounds I spent on therapy to ensure I made myself the best person I could be. She does not have this drive for self improvement. She has never really worked and has always depended on a man to support her.

To PP saying her reconnecting with my mother will only affect me if I let it… not true I’m afraid. It’s already affecting me. The adult human females most recent relationship broke down over Xmas, she had to stay with my Mum. This had an impact on me and DC. I can no longer just drop in for a cuppa like I used to. Mum is busier now, running around after this adult human female so it is absolutely affecting my life. Having seen how she has absolutely destroyed my mother at times, the fact that my and my DCs life is affected by her reappearance frankly boils my piss.

@Meggymoo777 , What kind of childhood did your half sister have? What were her parents like and how did her older sister treat her?

You mention that you've had a lot of therapy, presumably this wasn't all related to the actions of your sister. Was this stuff that impacted your sister's life too?

I'm wondering how old you both were on the holiday and what it was that put you in danger. Was it drink, drugs, getting involved with dangerous men? I've got 2 younger sisters that I've had to get out of difficult situations a few times. There have also been some pretty serious incidents that have affected us all.

I don't really understand how you have come to feel so strongly as to not even refer to her as just sister or even half sister (if you feel strongly about it).

Why not just sister?

She is biologically your sister and I don’t understand why you can’t just say so.

If she's as bad as you say, then the safety (and soul!) if your nephew is in danger.

I'm surprised you haven't taken the opportunity to get to know him, you being such a great aunty and all (even if it is in absentia).

My mother and CPS are involved to ensure the safety of her child.

No... she's biologically my half sister

You'd best get to know him then, he might end up being the newest usurper at your mum's house.

Four times a week is a lot. Maybe you would find life easier if you were less enmeshed with your mother and spent more time developing other relationships.

I wonder if you should take a step back from your mother. You say you see her 4 times a week, that is a LOT. She is engaging with your abusive half sister again, constantly telling you about it, and subtly pressuring you to engage too. This is actively upsetting you. I think seeing your mother less might be helpful. Once a week, for example, would still be loads, but much less opportunity to hear about your half sister.

It involved all of those - drink, drugs and dangerous men. She also conceived her child in this holiday and returned home and has since passed this child off as her now ex boyfriends. I wanted to tell him, but Mum told me if I said anything and she did anything to hurt herself, it would be my fault. So she now has an ex who thinks this child is his and a child who will never know his real father. She’s a piece of work