Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

The bit that sticks out to me is the word ‘controlling’
Every partner I have ever had that was controlling had an issue with my close relationship with my mum. The healthier relationships haven’t been bothered at all. Don’t compromise your relationship with your mum, you can set boundaries around films and stuff like that but don’t distance yourself from her. That’s so sad :( for her and you.

There's no right or wrong way to be with your mum. If the relationship works for you two then that's all anyone needs to know. She's your mum and she'll always be there for you. It doesn't sound like your current partner will ever fit into your family dynamic. I'm not saying he is in the wrong, but he has clearly been brought up in an entirely different family model and he is not going to be able to change to fit into yours. Personally I would ditch him and find someone who is more easy going about your close relationship with your mum and can laugh it off. Also, if you decide to have dc later on then you are more than likely going to want a similarly close relationship with them and it doesn't sound like your current partner would be happy with that approach.

I'm very close with my mum, speak every day. I do think there are times when you need to give your partner your undivided attention though, and it would irritate me if you could never let a call go to voicemail. You should be able to have meals, watch films etc without interruption. Albeit he isn't handling it maturely.

I'd probably talk to my mum and say I need to devote time to my partner mentally and not just physically i.e. be present, so I won't always be available to chat that minute. If you're as close as you say, she will understand.

Forget this is a partner and mum situation. Imagine it's a partner calling you everytime you're with your best friend and you answer during a meal. Your best friend would probably be irritated and feel as though you don't value their time or company.

Don’t let your relationship with your mum go. However it sounds a little ott. My partner has 8, yes 8 different WhatsApp groups going with his family and they are always messaging. I had to ask him to silence them as we couldn’t do anything without his phone pinging non stop. It can get frustrating when you’re trying to have some time together and always get interrupted. Maybe put your phone on silent if your spending a day together.

You maybe do talk to your mum a bit much but I don’t think anyone can really comment on that, it’s your mum and up to you! Your partner however sounds like a mardy, jealous baby and like you’d be better off without him. It might get annoying the regular phone calls but how can someone be annoyed at someone else for loving their parents? Bizarre

“ want to text my dear mum goodnight every night. I love her and in the same way I kiss my babies good night every night. I like to text my lovely mum good night.”

After my dad died , I gave my mom a quick ring around 11 pm to say goodnight. It made her happy , she didn’t demand it. But I liked think she went to bed thinking someone had thought of her.
Generally I would say about your mom ….. let the film finish, then text / ring her.
you don’t need to answer immediately, she knows you love her x

In which case, why did you bother posting OP? You don't care what people who disagree with you think, but welcome the views of those who don't disagree. You have a counter argument for anyone who disagrees with your perspective, yet you say that you want advice on the situation. FWIW, I speak to my mum every day - since lockdown anyway - but there are limits and boundaries. You mention that your partner is abusive, but wondered if he is being abusive in this scenario. Frankly I think you are asking the wrong question and focusing on the wrong thing. You have two young children, an abusive boyfriend is the last thing that you need.

I don't think you have really taken on board what most answers have said. Yes it's lovely to have that close relationship with your mum, and I used to text or what's app my DM most days but as people have said it does seem just a bit too much if you are asking an honest opinion.
Even if you were with a different partner you adore and who loves your DM too I don't thinks all the checking in all day on all outings is a normal healthy relationship.
Sure text goodnight and a message in the day but all the other contact seems very intense.
If you find a future Mr right and he's constantly connected and messaging his DM during your dates and evenings together would you be fine with that?

Although she may ring his phone if it was a while because she will worry something has happened to me.

So if she hasn't heard from you in, say, 6 hours, she might ring your partner to check if you're ok?

OP you seem very happy with the relationship you have with your Mum. If your partner isn't happy with it then there are healthy ways he should be communicating this to you. Getting in a mood, ignoring you and insisting you don't text in bed are not healthy and yes they are abusive. Regardless of anyone's opinion on your relationship with your Mum your partner is being abusive in the way he's dealing with it.

But the OP wants this level of contact with her mother. She actually texts her mother to tell her that’s she’s in bed, having already had a telephone conversation with her before going to bed to say “goodnight”. They are both maintaining their over-enmeshed relationship.

I think your relationship and your contact with your mother sounds lovely. It's loving and close and like mine with my mother. Your partner seems jealous and that's sad. You have explained to him why you have this closeness and I hope he will eventually understand it. Keep trying. Good luck.

It's great to have a close relationship with your mum. I think that if you managed your time speaking to mum a little better that may help your relationship. I wouldn't be answering or texting during a film or out at dinner when you have together time. I'd be cautious of the partners controlling behaviours. I wouldn't allow him to dictate my relationship with anyone.

Make the most of the time you have with your mother. If your partner loves you then he will respect the strong mother and daughter relationship that you have. Yes, perhaps her timing isn’t always perfect but it’s not too big a deal is it? Perhaps gently and lovingly tell her that you won’t be able to answer her should she phone in the next couple of hours (or for whatever length of time the film is on). I’d do anything to hear my mother’s voice again 😔

Ignore your DP and stay with what you do with your Mum. My ex did this and was abusive, he lasted a year. No one should make you pick between them and your family.

Man too close to his mum, it’s his fault it’s damaging the relationship, he’s a mummy’s boy, leave him

woman too close to her mum, it’s his fault it’s damaging the relationship, he’s a controlling arse, leave him

Sorry if this has been said already, I haven't rtft, but why don't you put your phone on silent during a film or just not pick up, or quickly text to say you're watching a film & will catch up tomorrow? You don't have to answer your phone.

Going against much of the grain but it’s his problem and yes your mum calls when you’re sometimes busy doing other stuff but him going off to sulk, not talking to you, not eating etc is pathetic behaviour, far worse than talking to your mum a bit too often for his liking.
could you perhaps just text your mum and tell her that you’re popping your phone on silent for. Couple of hours when you’re with him?
Or better still, get a new partner who isn’t a sulker.

What a total and complete false representation of the majority of views on the thread.

And it took several pages for you to say something the same as lots of others, but less helpful.

He is abusive, you need to get out of this a.s.a.p

The question my therapist had me ask myself, "Does it interfere with day to day life?" Not, "am I used to this, talk with her, and go on," but, "am I having to pause activities to take this phone call on a regular basis." And your answer is, although YOU do not mind it, "yes." Talk with your partner, and separately, to your mother, and set some reasonable bounds...IF you value the relationship with your partner. If he is playing a distant second to your mother, then tell him that the relationship is not working for you. You have no reason to stay in ANY relationship that makes you feel controlled and stifled, whether with a partner, or with a parent. BUT, and I repeat a previous post, most men won't deal well with this level of contact with a parent, and you may end up with just your mother. Think long and hard about what this looks like when she dies...will you have a life left?

For accuracy, OP referred to herself as an ‘Eastender’. I made the reference to ‘Ethnic Eastender’ when speaking about my maternal family. And yes, being Ethnic Eastenders has certainly influenced my family and our relationships with each other. My grandparents, mum and her siblings experienced a lot of racism and poverty and the family unit became a refuge. My uncle was badly beaten by the police during the 80s as part of a so-called ‘stop-and-search’, and called unspeakable racist names. In those days there was no public recourse for abuses of power like this, so yes my family turned to each other for support and its made us unbelievably close. I’m not saying that this is unique to Eastenders or ethnic minorities and I’ve friends from all over the UK of different ethnicities who have similar family dynamics. However, I know that these factors have been pivotal to my family.

Please try to understand that your experience of life is not the same as everyone else’s.

He isn't controlling, he's annoyed and I don't blame him.

First of all, your partner is a controlling, childish dick. I think he is bad news for you unless you can have him understand your relationship with your mom. That being said, talk to mom and tell her the situation and see if she can ween off the calls that are interfering with your time with your partner. Again, I think he has serious issues.

I would protect your great relationship with your mum, he shouldn't be trying to change that or taking the mick, sounds like you're not happy as on edge and to better the situation something really has to change, good luck.