Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

While OP is busy calling her mum morning, noon and night, she’ll need to get used to having her children 50% of the time....

Her mum is her priority

All sounds pretty immature- you , your mum and your partner. OTT and inappropriate behaviour from all three of you. I’d have no patience with any of you: you phoning your mum constantly, your mum phoning at inappropriate, inconvenient times and DH flouncing off in a sulk. Grow up, all of you!

You and your mum have some big issues

No wonder it drives your dh up the wall

It's like there are 3 of you in this marriages.

If this was a thread about a man talking to his mum this often he would have been torn to pieces even more 😆

You and your mum need to cut the umbilical cord and see a therapist to find out where this clingy and needy behaviour comes from. And how to stop it .

Or divorce your dh and marry your mum and live happily ever after with your best friend in the whole wide world

@FelisCatus0 Dear Poster, you referred to OP as “arrogant” and yet you call posters who share OP’s perspective “unhealthy enablers” which suggests some arrogance on your part.

I don’t agree with the advice you have given to OP but I’m not going to make negative blanket judgements about you. I recognise that what is right for me may not be right for others and vice versa. You may have as loving a relationship with your mum as I do with mine but perhaps we demonstrate that love in different ways and that’s ok.

If you really want to help OP to see a different perspective, approaching this with some compassion would help. I know you feel dismissed but two wrongs don’t make a right.

Also, the mocking of people from the East End by other posters is disappointing. Making jokes about another person’s identity is a form of discrimination, no matter how light-hearted you believe the jokes to be.

Mumsnet was created for women to support and uplift each other but this thread is quite the opposite. If we cannot be civil on a chat forum then what hope is there for us?

I’ve not read any posts mocking the OP for being from the East End, only her deeply odd and essentialist belief that this kind of enmeshment with her mother is completely normal for Londoners from a distinct area, and the rest of us can’t understand it because we’re from different cultural backgrounds.

Agree with @EmptyBedBlues

Honestly? It sounds like you're in a relationship with your mum! This is not normal..... Not in the slightest.
I call my mum most days, only ever twice in one day if there's a specific reason for it, but def not every single day and she's 78 & on her own. This is because she has her own life. I don't currently have a best friend but when I did (no longer with us), we certainly never spoke multiple times per day!

@Rosieposey91 I'm sorry about your granddad passing from cancer. However that's largely irrelevant. Almost everyone loses their parents (and 62 isn't exceptionally young).
That's not a 'difficult past'. My mum lost her Dad (suddenly & horrendously) when he was 56 and she was 22 - two weeks before she married my Dad. Yet she hasn't let that define who she is.

This is absolute enmeshment and it won’t end well.

I want to text my dear mum goodnight every night. I love her and in the same way I kiss my babies good night every night. I like to text my lovely mum good night.

This is disturbing

What on earth does being an 'Eastender' have to do with anything? Do you think families elsewhere are just robots or something?

Please tell me what the absolute hell being from the East End (Manchester? Birmingham? London?!) has to do with any of this? Genuinely baffled

The OPs post asks for honest opinions, I wonder if the majority opinions will be taken any notice of.

Turn this round to a man and his mother in this kind of relationship. MIL would be an enabling nightmare, and it would be a 'you have a DH problem' along with 'dump the manchild'

It's famlee innit. Famlee comes first.

Just not her kids… they’ll be living separately from her 50% of the time.

So it’s all about mummy!

Herkids don’t seem to qualify as famleee!
funny, innit

@EmptyBedBlues I am referring to this as well as the video of Kat Slater:
Yes, I feel someone should be shouting ‘Leave it, Phil, ‘E ain’t worth it!’ on a slightly unconvincing pub set, and that some pearly kings and queens should appear dancing down the street in a background shot, speaking a Dick Van Dyke version of Cockney rhyming slang.

You may think these sorts of posts are harmless but they have an undertone of classcism and they are trying to create humour from OP’s identity. I wouldn’t like to be at the receiving end.

These sort of posts may also explain why OP has reacted to some posts in the way that she has. When you feel under attack, the natural response is to retreat to what you know.

OP came here because she thought it would be a safe space but many (not all) of the responses haven’t been supportive. Not because they disagree with her approach but because the critiques have been made in such a personal and painful way. I think we can do better.

“I think we can do better.”

I think we’ve done brilliantly. Best thread for a long time.

OP came here because she thought it would be a safe space but many (not all) of the responses haven’t been supportive. Not because they disagree with her approach but because the critiques have been made in such a personal and painful way. I think we can do better.

@Towntocountry
OP has fought back against anyone who has disagreed with her, no matter what the tone of their comment was. Some people agreed they were close to their mothers too and she replied with "no you aren't, that's not a close relationship".... Rude! Don't come to AIBU looking for an opinion if you don't actually want opinions. Lots of people have given really good advice which she has thrown back in their faces.

Re final para; the OP specifically welcomed honest answers but responded badly to these when her behaviour was not validated in full. She did so in a very defensive and quite rude way stating that posters must not have close family relationships themselves. Hence the Phil Mitchell references etc. All of the posts prior to this were very supportive but mainly concerned about her relationships with both DM and DP. She has singled out the minority of responses in agreement with her approach to feel vindicated by. Fine, it's her life. But why post, requesting candour about both relationships, when what she really wanted was a chorus of agreement?

@Confusion101 OP did take on board some views that don’t align with her current approach. For example, those put forward by Joeylove88 much earlier in the thread. However, the ensuing pile on may have put her on the defensive.

@Frogmila I don’t think the Eastender jokes can be justified because some of us may have been offended. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Why is it you're OK with your partners behaviour being questioned, but everyone has to accept your relationship with your mum?

This post has actually made me feel a bit sorry for the OP. Her mum has encouraged codependence and sabotaged her daughter’s relationship so that mum remains the number one in her daughter’s life.

Though the OP has stopped commenting, I presume she is still reading. And will hopefully take on board some of the comments and not repeat the cycle with her own children.

I can't disagree with this.

Probably because her mum is a nice person and her partner is abusive.

Mumsnet was created for women to support and uplift each other but this thread is quite the opposite. If we cannot be civil on a chat forum then what hope is there for us?

People are frequently uncivil on chat forums.
Especially when the OP is rude and dismissive.

So all OPs should just accept a kicking and not fight back? Good on the OP for standing up to some of the arseholes on this thread.